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Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.
- Kathleen Kelly,You've Got Mail

Its 12:24 am here now and more than 10 days since I last updated the blog. And as long as I intend to continue updating, I find no compulsion to give a reason why I should write paragraphs on what kept me from updating. It always makes me feel powerful whenever I say that I am not going to give any explanations for what I have done or perhaps for what I haven't done. It is presumably because nobody will ask me after reading such a thing; and it gives additional length to the post!

In this mean while I saw some good movies - 'Serendipity', 'You've Got Mail', 'When Harry Met Sally', 'Notting Hill' and 'National Treasure 2'. I still have a big list before I can get more space on my computer's hard-drive. Before I saw the first four of the movies I have mentioned above, I only used to like action flicks on some serious and fast ones like 'Da Vinci Code'. But after watching these, especially 'Serendipity' and 'Notting Hill', my whole perspective of romantic ones changed into apparently what I can term as 'sensible'! In fact my perception of this country called United States has also changed - the people there to be specific.

Saturday I experienced a totally new form of time - I had to select curtains for home. To start with my mother liked one which I couldn't like. I asked her to go ahead with it telling that it she, my father and brother who are going to live in the house! Then I liked one which she didn't like because it had black in it. Even till now I couldn't figure out what "not-so-good" the color black has in it. The final selection of course was my choice!

That Saturday I had also visited my paternal uncle's house in the morning. He keeps himself so busy that I literally had to take a kind of appointment from him before he could spend two hours with me discussing about our family and my further education. It started with a question I asked him about why my eldest uncle never visits India. There were reasons - starting from his nature from childhood, moving around his education in India, then his aeronautical engineering in France that costed him 90,000 franks in the early 1970's, the his job in a company named Thompson that dealt with radar systems, his marriage there, his two children, then his divorce, then his lonely life fully dependent on pension. It didn't make me feel good but the conclusion cleared me why my uncle would never come to India.

Then of course was a discussion about my father's maternal aunt who is a Saudi national and how she had been funding and sponsoring so many people inside and outside the family. I felt glad for being among the ones who never took her help; I can't write more on this as it usually turns out to be a sensitive topic. I respect those who have depended on her - it was necessary of that time of theirs'. I depend only on my parents and I intend to pay them back someday - indirectly if not directly.

Our talk revolved around money. We spoke about big amounts and we spoke about small amounts - all significant. I learnt a great deal of my family from him. I knew a lot from my father already but my uncle gave me reasons of things being that way. The best part of course is that everything is fine now and everybody is independent. But we are not supposed to forget our past, we don't have to live with it either, but we have to know where we belong to and what we are no matter where we go.

On Sunday night, with my parents and brother, I went to the annual industrial exhibition. We had to park our vehicle more than a kilometer from that place due to lack of parking in the vicinity. There was nothing much we had to buy there. My parents kept asking my brother and me if we wanted anything and all along our answer was the same "nothing". We walked around the same places the stalls several time - the objective was of being together and spending time. Alhamdulillah I have everything I need now. And I know how beautiful it is to see thing coming to us at the right times of our lives. My brother sees the same - he is already as mature as I am; apparently of course, but at times he looks more sensible than me!

Coming to walking, on Tuesday I walked from Banjara Hills to my house. It was a walk of more than 5 kilometers and took me around 45 minutes. I was totally out of energy and the one-hour sleep after reaching home brought me back to life. I had no specific reason to walk - I had burgers to take home and I didn't feel like boarding a bus. I had the option of hiring an auto rickshaw but I recollected that I didn't like them! I don't remember my 45 minute walk, I cannot recollect of how the path was, I was into some deep thinking when I reached home and saw the watch - it was satisfying and also tiring.

On Sunday after the walk through the famous 'numaish', we had dinner at a vegetarian restaurant. I cannot forget two thing I saw there - the way my father called the waiter "jango" and the way an elderly man was talking on a phone telling the other person that he was at a place more than five kilometers from where he was sitting. After the dinner there was this long walk through the empty streets of Nampally. It was all so wonderful. Saturday too we had a dinner outside. It was to celebrate my father's birthday. We had gone to a Chinese restaurant at Basheerbagh.

I scored 70% marks this semester. And as I say it always, I say it again - I was expecting more. I am perhaps presenting my answers in a way the examiner doesn't expect them to be. Perhaps my sentence structures are too complicated or I am using a vocabulary I am not supposed to be using. I feel good writing this but it is effecting my percentages. I remember the environmental studies paper which I had written so well and so perfectly - in my way of writing. I had given utmost care while using the words to make the answers look professional and classy. I scored lesser than the average in that! It's too later for me to realize all this. I have only three more theory exams to go.

And it was 85.7 percentile in CAT for me. I scored more than 90 percentile in the English section and that is the only thing that didn't surprise me - I was expecting it. But I was not expecting a percentile for more than 85. I have or perhaps I must say, I had a chance of getting calls from some colleges ranked in top-20 in India. But I had not applied to any of them. I did get many e-mails from many colleges which went unresponded. Yesterday I got a call from Career Launcher and they told me that I can attend the personality development classes and I will do that from next week.

My Value Judgement

Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.
- Ayn Rand (1905-1982)

A strange sense of discomfort remained in my heart all day asking me repeatedly why I was getting so lite and easy with almost everything I am hearing and saying. I have begun to feel that I am not thinking before talking and not even before writing. Being able to write as fast as I could speak sometimes is making things a little complicated in a way I am not able to understand. Some changes are hard to contain. I am joking a lot, playing a lot with ideals, looking at casual sides of everything and more poignancy, of course, lies in not thinking before talking. I intend to get corrective soon. I did hold back some words while I was with friends today but some of them could have been shared. There were others that could have been withheld as well.

But there was somewhere also a feeling that I can be carefree when I am with my friends. I have come a long way where I don't have to think what they would think - if they find something wrong they can always tell me and have it cleared. I am also afraid that they won't speak up fearing that I would mind. Nobody has ever called upon me for anything till now. It's all muffed up for me here.

Perhaps I am taking these trivial things too seriously but I have always believed that small intricacies make a lot of significance in the longer run. I have always tried to find one single person in whom I can trust with everything and have all faith. I have hoped to make one friend in whom I could confide with everything never thinking of what he or she would think. I have always visioned the company of an alter ego who too could have a similar trust in me - I would reciprocate the same way. I came close this way with four of my friends but an invisible magnet in the form of fear kept pulling me back. I know I would loose all of them someday. We have different objectives and different plans. I can trust with everything three of these four say. I can bet my life on all four of them. But I can't expect a trust from the time that refuses to stop or even slow down and give a chance to eternity.

I waited in the college for 50 minutes in the morning before a friend came and I could talk again. Another arrived in a short while. Very soon I had a cosy company with two more arriving. The lecturer concerned approved the topic I proposed to give a presentation on. He read the abstract and much to my expectation he enquired how I came across this topic. Cryptovirology is a subject of research in some universities in the United States and I found just enough information to fuel 15 to 20 minutes of talking. The only thing I forgot to ask my lecturer is the date of my seminar.

I wanted to be with my friends for as long as possible even while knowing that I am awaited by my grandmother. I wanted to meet her and talk to her too. A friend dropped me there just before 7 pm and I was there at her house till 8:30 pm which consisted of a nap. I was very tired. The moment I had reached there my mother asked me if I was using the car. I immediately recollected that she had asked me to take the car with me in the morning so that I could pick her up in the evening from my grandmother's house as my father had gone to a picnic. He managed to pick her up on his two-wheeler but my brother and I had to take the bus's route.

Things kept flashing in my mind - the images of the place I was sitting in the college, sitting alone first, then with only one friend, then with two, then with two more. Then I recollected my meet with some seniors, then the travelling on my friend's bike, then a short stop near a friend's house, then finally the bed at my grandmother's house on which I lay with my eyes closed. There were regrets all along - for laughing too much, for talking useless ideas, for not talking a few important things, for having to regret all this - and then there was finally a feeling of contentment of at least knowing what was going on with me. It's all so simple and clear. Alhamdulillah things are going fine and I am learning.

I sometimes wonder if "alter ego" is a myth. Then I have also wondered if having such a person in ones life is necessary. By the time I will reach an age of 30, I know there would be no burning need to love or to be loved. It will get into me as a way of life. By then I would be accepting what life was giving me and taking away. But all this only on the emotional requirements - by then I would be strong enough and will have learnt how to stay completely away from friends and at a distance from parents. I can then look back and clearly understand these present days when my emotional needs had to remain unrested. Sury we understand the present when it becomes past.

I always look back at my old days and laugh at myself. I recollect how I used to ask my parents why I shouldn't do so and so things for now I know the answers. Now I understand why my parents resented my frequent stays at my cousins' places. I understand that anything in excess cannot be handled easily. I also now understand why it is always wise to learn good even if I am in a bad milieu. I have learnt all these by myself and there were times I used to question the credibility of these ideas. They aren't ideas anymore. They have become ideals. I don't need a reason for my existence now. I don't have to ask the so called wise about why I am living. I don't have to search for meanings in my life. I only have to be myself and make myself good.

I look at the rows of seats in the bus as I look towards the windshield standing close to the rear end of the bus. I see two human beings sitting on each row, I see each row as a line, I see each line holding two lives, I see two lives I am never going to see again. Then I see the windscreen, then the driver in his seat, I see his movements, I see the responsibility he has, I see how well he accomplishes his tasks of navigating and maneuvering through the dense traffic. I see the traffic outside his cockpit, I see the volumes, the pain in the quantity, the trouble in the movements, the tension in every drop of sweat that dries unnoticed, I see the human beings and I feel love for all I see.

I love them all - my fellow human beings. I don't have to know them. It's not sympathy that makes me love them; it's just the feeling of being alike, just the feeling of being a part of a miracle called life. I can never hate a person for more than a day. And if I hate somebody for that amount of time, I know I will have deep regrets. No doubt I love my parents and put them with high priorities. Just that I love all that Allah has created. I can't hurt anything or anybody intentionally. And just that I am trying to learn not to expect such a love in return. And this is the reason my loves goes unexpressed; and for that there is no reason why it should be expressed.

I had a good meal at my grandmother's house. It had bagaara khaana, chicken 65 with gravy and daalcha. I will have another one in a short while now. It has been a good day to live today; even my brother enjoyed a halfday leave from his college for which the reason he gave was his brother's marriage. He was a bit angry with me when he learnt that I had deleted "Taarey Zameen Par" from the computer. This reminds me how weak I am at remembering the names of movies and actors. But I am growing! My life is beautiful. 36 hours more for Monday's morning. I complete 400 posts on this blog with this one today.

Let It Be

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
-T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)

I finally finished the 'Bourne' and 'Ocean's' series today by watching 'Bourne Identity', 'Bourne Supremacy' and 'Ocean's Thirteen' within just 24 hours. I had finished watching their other flicks some days back. I was considering watching another before I sleep today but preparation of an abstract for a seminar at the college kept me busy. There aren't any big reasons for the blog not being updated - I was just spending time on college's work under MJ Computing Club. I hope it yields something good.

The computing club conducted two tests for our first year juniors on 2nd and 3rd. Not many of them turned up on the second day and it looks obvious on the first day itself given their faces at the end of the test. Yesterday before leaving the college we shortlisted 12 students for the final event to be conducted on Saturday. We plan to ask some faculty members to preside over the event and judge the participants. It would be a public speaking competition.

I went to college all days this week till now except Friday. On Wednesday I had to sit alone for more than an hour before my friends arrived. On Tuesday I was there alone for almost two hours and returned home. There were no classes going on. On Thursday a friend arrived just after I reached the college and saved my time giving me company. Till Wednesday I was forgetting to take any book with me to read but on Thursday I had one. Having friends around always feels better.

Hats Off To Shah Rukh Khan

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

My brother said my smile looks affected and artificial. I had always wondered how I looked while smiling and if I could ever learn to show the exact amount of teeth and pleasingly smile and my brother transformed that wondering into literal thinking. I spent some time in front of the mirror and tried smiling in different ways and nothing looked convincing and satisfying. This was when my beard was a little overgrown and my cheeks and chin weren't visible. I could see my eyes smiling but I knew that if my lips don't smile well, it is never a smile. But since long I have always saluted the people from show-biz who have expertise in smiling and showing teeth. And there are three things I learn from my own fallacy here: I should look into the eyes of people and judge if they are smiling, that I should always mean it when I smile and never fake it, and that there is infinite happiness in seeing people I love smile. I really wish I could write the names' list here.

I received a big parcel from ICFAI today along with a call - letter inviting me for an interview. It said that I have been shortlisted based on the entrance test I wrote some days back and I qualify for the next round of the selection process. There were some booklets along with the letter telling me about the selection process, the placements in IBS, a booklet about some internships offered to the students there, a magazine published by their alumni and also a magazine on Hyderabad city. I loved the last thing and the letter excited my mother. They have asked me for a day in February which I have to confirm and that day I will have to give a presentation on one of the stated topics and then a personal interview. I will go there but I will inshAllah go to the US.

It's pretty clear that my mother wants me to stay here in India at least if not in the city. She says I can meet her whenever I want and the distance would be less than two hours at the most. The cost of studying at IBS is almost Rs. 900,000 and she is ready for that just to have me near her. How much I wish I could explain her why I shouldn't go ahead with it but that I love her always and want to be with her. But there are always sacrifices one must make. I don't want to go out of the country just to get a green card or call myself a foreigner or even take pride in it. Some amount of excitement is always there taken the now infamous "The American Dream" idea. But my idea is to have things extraordinary. I want pace and satisfaction at the same time and I know the life in my country is not precisely that. And I also know that I am working to get out of my comfort zone.

I have always been told by my parents that they don't need me for anything and that they can take care of themselves when I am gone. But I have no plans to stay away from them for long or leave them alone anytime. By the time my brother finishes his studies and plans to move out of the country I will have enough to keep them with me or if they want, come back to where they are. My brother always says that he will never leave India but should he think of it anytime, parents or I shouldn't come in his way. I want him to study architecture and make it as big as possible. I want to see him design big buildings and carve his name on stone. He too is my dream. He is the only person I had started loving even before he was born.

There are more to come and I can't wait for long! This could sound dumb if I explain and weird if I leave it unillustrated. But I can't hold on for long. I love small children - I like everything about them, I like to watch them play, smile, shout, or even just sleep. Nothing looks sweeter than the smiles they give while sleeping. Nothing matches their innocent voices. Nothing gives more pain to see them cry. Nothing could give more happiness to call them my own. Nothing on earth could feel better than holding them in my arms and sing for them to sleep. I wish I could directly jump on to a place in my future life where I would be living all this. I could as well let go what all has to come in between starting from the present. I just want to start living those moments at the earliest.

Some days I go to college with only single objectives - attending one specific class or a lab, submitting one assignment, or sometimes just seeing one friend. These could have no logic in them but they give satisfaction. Usually when I go to the college, I make an assessment of who all would be coming that day and whose smile would be making me feel good. But sometimes it's just the company of all of them. I would never be letting anybody know who brought me to college on a particular day, but somebody is always there - when I am in the college, somebody has to be there. This trend has started only in the final year. And there are very few months left before it ends.

Another thing I would learn at the earliest is to cook - at least some basic dishes that utilise minimal resources. It would surely make things easier for me when I have to stay alone and it always is an asset to know how to cook. Preparing tea, frying eggs or even making fried rice out of plain rice are things I have done many times, making tamatay ki chutney is something I am yet to master. I need to learn how to cook rice first and then some curries. I can keep the bigger things for experimenting. My friend always says "we should be ready for a reality check".

Fresh

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
- Walt Disney (1901-1966)

Today is one of those rare days when I log into blogger with an urge to write out and make myself feel better. It is not at all that I am feeling depressed of unhappy - I just always have a right to make myself feel better no matter how good I am already feeling. There was no need for me to ponder upon a title for this post - it was there in my heart the moment I opened the edit page. In a way I also knew which quote to put us here. I usually do these two things after I am done with writing the post. One thing I do not know is what I must right to meet the purpose of this post!

I finished watching a movie 'City Of Angels' and began listening to some music before I came across some songs I used to listen to a couple of years back - almost three years back now I guess - and they reminded me of those days. The exact things I used to have within me in that space of time emerged in my heart from no where just as the old music started to ring in my ears. It wasn't pain or a kind of memory that I never liked. It wasn't anything uncomfortable either. But it was there not letting me understand it's unrequired existence. Peace continues but with a feeling of fear which itself says that it would be no more when I wake up tomorrow. But it threatens the serenity of the time left between closing of eyes and now.

There is simply no reason why I must have these in my heart now. I have moved on and moved ahead of my time. I don't care if I wasn't matured during those days but now I am more matured than the people of those days. It was sheer serendipity that day as I remember even now clearly. It wasn't a lesson. I don't want to go back even a day from today. I am glad I saw my past so closely and I lived it. I am glad I learnt even when I had no intentions of salvaging any wisdom. I always used to think that no matter what happens then, what really matters is what happens by the end of the day. The day is now over and a new day has begun.

I have seen all kinds of friends - right from the kind of friends who never understood to those who understand everything. Even from those who never encouraged me to those who were quiet when I wanted them to talk - even those who were always after me. How they were doesn't matter much now; what they are presently does. Time has made the bonds stronger and memories weaker. Only that some naked strings are left hanging attached to a trigger deep inside my heart. Whenever something pulls them, the sound beeps like hell. The triggers don't activate memories; they shake them to have the dust rise.

I don't have to care for this dust either. I care for the strings, triggers and the memories - they all need to be culminated in a pleasant disposition. I can't end them at will or just leave them the way they are. They must be overridden - not with memories but with the present. It's going to take time and the dust will keep tickling my neural circuitry. I am used to it and I also know how to overlook it but sometimes it feels good to get carried away. It feels nice to stay between the feelings to wanting to cry and not being able to cry. It feels good to hurt myself, then write a post like this and finally make everything feel wonderful.

I am not writing to present anything perfect or an article with no contradictions. It is not rambling too. We don't need explanations or justifications for what comes from the heart as long as we are not letting it interfere with other hearts! Writing such things staying even in a state of bliss can sound eccentric but it is sometimes idiosyncratic to my character. I can't be coherent all the time. But once I am done with the anomaly, I know I am fresh! And that, I can go to sleep with a smile. And I will not even have to lie there gazing at the ceiling.

A deja vu can always throw us out of our mind making us wonder what it was or why it was. That word itself is supposed to give the explanation and we need to be contended with it. I remember a quote "happiness is good health and a bad memory" but I don't need a bad memory. It's only when things come back to us that they can make us stronger. Just that some things need to go or perhaps get overridden. I always miss my grandfather and long to hear his voice call my name. I love my name and like listening to it again and again. I like my parents say it, I like my brother say it, I like my friends say it. If that is like being egoistic, so be it. I am blessed.

Aisle By Aisle

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
- Pancho Villa (1877-1923), last words

There was probably a short circuit in the service wire causing a power failure in my house yesterday evening. It took almost an hour before the electricity department sent some men for repair. Things like these have happened before and all the repair used to be the department's responsibility and when these electricians told us that we will have to pay for the charred wire, it got me and my mother annoyed. I abruptly asked them to leave and also said that I would be complaining that to the Assistant Engineer who would take care of it. I could see the change of expressions on their face when they heard their head's name. There were also telling that they would repair it only the next day.

We called up the engineer and requested him. He responded well saying that the repair will be done immediately and that it is we who will have to pay for the cables. An official word always sounds assuring. The electricians returned at 10 pm and they were angry because they were probably rebuked by their officer. I purchased the required wire from a nearby shop and gave it to them. The were constantly showing disregards for the officers in their department as they were asked to work at such odd times. I kept listening to them. Then one of them said that this was their night shift going on which started just sometime back. That made my heart laugh out. It was not at all an odd hour of the day for them. They were in their correct shift and it was their job. There are other people for other times and this time of the day was their responsibility.

The power returned at 10:30 pm when we finally left to attend a wedding function. It was my father's friend's daughter's marriage. They also happen to be our family friends and even my other relatives were there. I had a satisfying time after having to deal with those people and spend some hours in darkness. We were also worried about the empty overhead water-tank that had to be filled when power came and also the meat filling up the freezer. No power for long duration could spoil it.

I have two parties to attend today, one tomorrow and another one the day after. Every time I go to a marriage function or a reception, the thing that irritates me the most is the way the bridegroom is forced to behave. Wearing garlands, standing at the stage, posing for the photographs, meeting people he has never known before and is never going to meet again, trying to be perfect because it is his wedding, and doing everything to make everybody call him smart and good looking. It doesn't end with him. The visitors visit only for the reason of having dinner and commenting on how the bridegroom looks. I wonder if these things are ever going to change. And I can never understand a man's affinity towards flowers - especially in wearing garlands. Flowers are for women - to describe them!

I have always seen good men getting married - they behave well with the people they meet when they are getting married, they look well mannered, shy, pleasing and sensible. They look like the best of all the men who could ever get married - apparently proving to the bride's family that they couldn't have made a better choice. And when they look and behave so good, I wonder where the not-so-good men go. Those men who were not good at studies, who were not good children to their parents, who used to tease girls and keep girlfriends, who had bad company and bad morals - don't these men get married? Or are they the same people who look and behave good when getting married?

Souvenir De Paris

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)

Some times I wonder if I am fool to walk so much even when there are several comfortable means to commute. I walked more then three kilometers in the evening to reach home and I could have as well use the public transport services which have become quite good these days. And also gone are the days when the narrow road of Mehdipatnam used to be a bottle neck; it's simpler now. And it hardly takes 10 minutes to reach my house when I catch a bus from that place. Some times I don't do that.

It gives me a mystical pleasures to walk long stretches without being disturbed. I wouldn't mind if I have company; I just need peace. The noisy traffic and the so assumed deafening sounds of horns of the vehicles are of little effect on me. I forget them when I am with myself. I even forget the loss of energy and feelings of pain in my legs. When people can find peace in their lifetime of wars, why can't I then walking on the side of a busy street?

Yesterday my uncle gave me a small replica of Eiffel Tower. He had brought it from France several years back along with a three foot one which was lost in time. He also showed me a similar replica which was made of glass. It looked liked the most beautiful monument on earth. He has this craze about everything from France. I couldn't understand why but that passion remains with all my uncles and even my father - some genes have transferred to me too! My uncle who is a French national keeps asking us to visit him as though Paris is in the neighborhood. Someday I would definitely go there - for my uncle, Eiffel Tower and the Louvre.

I had plans for learning French starting from January but I don't think it's going to materialize. Perhaps I can make an attempt by myself trying from books but I am not sure if that can be possible or it will be a wild goose chase. After English, it is French and Spanish that are widely spoken in the west and I have always wished I could get along with at least one - French preferably. I am not keen on much with the United States and staying there for long if I get the F 1 visa; I know Europe is a better place and all it takes for an engineer to settle there is the knowledge of German or French.

My mother is not happy with my interests in other countries - she wants me to be with her. And for that reason she says I am callous - emotionally hardened; because I am going to leave her. My uncle says I should go there, study, enjoy and come back. And my mother agrees. Of course staying there in US for long is not my objective. Europe of course sounds better. India is good but we don't have islands for sale here! And I have never liked the life Indians have in gulf countries. Things boil down to parents, money and the island - no matter where I am, no matter what I study, and no matter what currency I deal with. There are good tilts towards friends too.