Where is the context? Not in the alphabets

After college hours - where I had two tests today - along with four friends, I went to Lifestyle, then had "chaat" at Whitehouse beside that, and then to Abids where I stood outside Softyden waiting to see if there could be some table found to sit, but then finally had pizza and coke at John's. Tomorrow again I have two more tests.

I have no particular reason for myself to be at Lifestyle. I just went there to accompany a friend. But when I am out, I know I must enjoy. That's what I did; it just left me tired. It was 8 pm when I reached home. Mother had been calling me daily while I am at college, so I had already informed her. But I found a missed call from my father when I reached home. Though nobody asked me where I had bee, I just said about the Abids part - nobody was interested in knowing much. Not because they were uninterested in me, but only because they know they need not take all the information about all that I do.

There isn't anything interesting for me to write - I just started typing hoping for something to come out. I have been feeling great since the time I wrote my last post. But yesterday night I realized there was in fact something I should have thought before publishing that post. I didn't feel anything for the post, but for the guilt - it was bad. I have been thinking a lot if there is really something that could prove me bad or prove me as a person with bad character. I need to find something within me that can sweep me off my feet. That guilt couldn't answer this.

Bad character is a continuation. It never stops unless made to stop. If I write an obscene word, it wouldn't prove me bad. Some might even take that word as normal. I won't write anything bad here - I need to keep this space clean. But if there was some really bad word or an idea written in the past, I don't think anybody would end up calling me bad for that mistake I had done. I just hope so. Context does make a lot of vibration.

I saw television today for sometime - with keen interest. I was watching a series on Star One. I don't remember when it was the last time I saw something with so much interest. It was a comedy show and I could relate some of friends with it. Today's show had it's theme as valentines Day! I had my brother and father watching with me and we enjoyed. I was also told that my father watches that show daily.

Here is a challenge

Just some time back I spoke to a cousin on phone. I had been wanting to talk to him since long and today finally he called me up. He is doing his DNB in a corporate hospital here in Hyderabad; he is the best in class in the whole state of AP - he had secured the first rank in the entrance some months back. I have always looked up at him as my inspiration and also a person in whom I can put my trust blindly. He is in no way a book worm or a nerd; he is intelligent, a genius and pure wisdom. His support is what I needed.

I just updated him about me and he showed how I shouldn’t care for what others say behind me or even think. Though he told me things I already knew, his words do made a difference to me. Terming some people as dumb and foolish he made me realize that I don’t become bad just because somebody has said so. I listened to every word he said. I am waiting for next Sunday to come when InshAllah we would be meeting.

I had mixed emotions today since the time I woke up. I have been seeing my weekends go grey now days. It has the backing of all my previous experiences and I see this as a consequence of every word said and heard these 20 years. I don’t live an average life. I don’t know how others live theirs, but on my side it’s totally a fiction. Everything looks so perfect, even when it is foolishness, lies, betrayal or even dumbness. I learn so much even while hating some of these teachers.

There are only a few selected people I am willing to talk to. I am avoiding much talk with my parents. I want to keep away from my relatives but today my cousin told me that it would make them feel as if I am showing some kind of pride and avoiding them because I feel myself superior to them. He asked me to be proud of what I am and what I can do but be friendly with others. All this can’t be made lucid as long as I don’t put the context here. It would be a sin to give a form in words.

I also understand that if someday I explain something to a person and if that person understands something else or takes my words in some other way than what I was trying to tell, I would be the first one to be held responsible because it was me who couldn’t explain it well. I cannot blame that person for not understanding me. I can’t tell him that he understood only what he preferred understanding. It’s my fault if I am not clear with what I am saying. It’s my fault if I am not direct. Alhamdulillah I have always kept myself clear.

I have always tried to write things clearly in my blogs. Though I never used any names, I was more or less direct. Even when there were faint ideas, they had some backing of some previous knowledge any person knowing me is expected to be aware of. I don’t know how many people know me in my college but in now way can anybody tell me that I appear like a person of bad character. No rational person can ever point a finger to something I did or am doing telling that it is bad for the society or is against some ethics.

My cousin told me that people only know how to talk about others and they don’t understand what it means to talk the truth. He told me I never did anything that was unIslamic and that even if somebody questions me, I must ignore that person. Here again it is the context that makes the difference.

I am keeping my mouth shut only because I don’t want to comment on others. If I start that, I know how reason and Islam can prove them wrong and how much it can hurt their character. I still support them. There is an idea that I term as exception making and it is still alive. If I kill that, it would be time for chaos. My words might look big and absurd. I know how I can be called ridiculous. I know how I can be called immature. I have done that already with myself and I am prepared to fight.

I hardly have 10 more months in Hyderabad. Whether it is an MBA or Infosys, I will be out of this place. I am looking ahead for that. I won’t care of how much damage I do before leaving. All I will care is that I follow my religion well and don’t end up causing pain to people who matter to me. I am starting to draw lines and prepare a list of who is going to matter to me and who must be taken for granted. I am not afraid of this list. It just hurts me to do it. But it’s an emotional baggage and I must get rid of it. I pray that Allah gives me more wisdom and makes me do the right things.

So having said all this I openly challenge any person interested in showing hell to me to prove that I am not a good person and that I have a bad character. I openly warn everybody against any illicit or unpleasant action towards me. I don’t say that I can do big things. I warn reminding that Allah is looking and I still don’t find any of my prayers not being accepted. I have always tried to measure my words and actions with what I find as lawful and wise. I don’t like people who talk and shout with no knowledge of themselves.

I like the way sometimes I can show my anger and frustration on my blogs. I love the way it feels to exhilarate power that comes out of pride and anger. I love myself more than anybody else. I will never cause any harm to anybody. I only have faith in Allah.

Déjà vu

I wanted not to write today but I wanted somebody to listen to me and my blog is the only thing that does that silently without showing contempt. I only wish it even had shoulders. Though I usually find more than 10 unique visitors daily, I seldom fail to read posts myself. And whenever I do, I end up wondering if I am the very person who has written it. Then thank Allah that I am the same person. If I am asked to rate my anger on a scale of 0 to 10, I would put myself on 9. For reason.

In the morning I went to a friend's house for the first time. We were three there. We had talks on the interviews and how to take care of them in the least negative way. Our necessity to assemble there was to help ourselves understand interviews better. I was there for almost two hours.

I had what I can call as "normal" time at my grandmother's house after that but my aunt who is leaving for Mecca tomorrow said that I was very quiet. Sometime back I was recollecting the times I spoke an I understood that everybody sees me quiet only because they expect me to be that way. I know I am being normal enough for any person to take me as alright. I really don't have to contemplate on that.

There are some star marked e-mails I have to reply. Two of them are from my cousins from Mecca and Houston and one from as aunt from Houston again. I don't know why I am procrastinating the work but every time I look at my mailbox, something troubles me. But whenever I find people having tens of unread messages in their inboxes, I feel glad I don't keep such things with me. I have subscribed only to the news letters I read and I discard whatever I don't need immediately after reading.

Today I got the application for the entrance conducted by ICFAI. Though I am not keen in taking up MBA at any of their colleges, I thought having a back-up would help. The test's name is IBSAT. The only ICFAI center worth being studied at is the one in Hyderabad. If I am asked to rate my controlling of anger on a scale of 0 to 10, I would put myself on 7. With reason. Those two units need to be worked on rather than trying to avoid anger.

Crayons

My brother has his first term examinations on so he couldn't come with us to a marriage function we went today. We were invited by one of our neighbors and because we often miss so much in the neighborhood always being busy or not at home, we thought we should go. I wanted to stay home but also didn't want anybody to think that I am anti-social. So, I took along with my parents. I missed my brother there.

I slept a lot today again. The number of hours is going well above 10 especially on holidays and I am a little unhappy about that. I don't feel like doing anything - I am just keeping myself on the bed and that is making my mother think that I am not well. Today being a holiday she was home. I read a book, studied a little, listened to some music, ate, and of course, slept.

On Thursday we have Wipro coming to our college to select students. Though I am not eligible - I have already been selected by another company - I am still going to the college. I will meet my friends and int eh afternoon go out to purchase some book. I have my first internals starting from the coming 20th. I feel so tired already. I wish I could keep myself lying on the bed with some book in my hand. Perhaps if there was something that could read my mind and put it in digital format, I could have finished writing the novel I am dying to write but not getting the right motivation.

Lazy Sunday Evening

I don't have much to write for today; just felt like working with the keyboard on the "edit" window of Blogger. I woke up around 10:45 am today, had snacks for lunch and helped mother with her Sunday. My cousin brother who got married some weeks back came home on lunch; had some fun with him. He always makes me laugh. In the evening his eldest brother was here with his family. He wasn't here for long - just had tea.

I finally replaced the adapter connecting the microwave oven's power-cord to the switch-board. All these days there was some loose connection between them creating frequent sparks. That was preventing my mother use the appliance. I couldn't get the adapter of a different brand, but this piece fits well.

Yesterday night I had lots of fun with my brother. He was playing some game on his phone and I was continuously bugging him. He was enjoying it. He was wearing some strange shirt which was making him look like my father and I was teasing him pointing at the small strings of his still-to-appear-clearly beard. I was constantly telling him that we would end up in a serious fight if he didn't allow me bug him. Several time I also told "why are you behaving like a kid?". He told me that I was behaving like a kid. Then I continued "I am talking to myself". I am fine now. Alhamdulillah.

So bad it hurts inside

I can't understand why I am living my days this way. The only thing I did today was getting the CAT application from the bank. I slept again in the afternoon. I haven't had a single proper meal since morning. I am hungry but I don't feel like eating. I am getting frustrated with everything that is being said and asked to me. I know my father is hiding things from me. Last Saturday I explained him how it will cause me more pain if he did that, but he continues. It's not just my father, but some other people too are hiding facts and truth from me. I am more interested in the truth.

I don't feel like talking to any of my friends. In the last two days the phone calls I have received were the ones with new numbers; I rejected the rest of them. I don't feel like talking much. I can keep control on my facial expressions but it's a bit tough to do that with the tone of my voice. I am fine with chatting online but I am preferring being invisible. Yesterday a cousin started a chat even while I was invisible. I took some time to think what would happen if I spoke to him. The chat lasted till 1:40 am.

When I am saying that I am ready and willing to take all the responsibility of everything that happens relating to me, many people are taking it for granted that everything can be thrown at me. Some days back my mother asked me if I had written letters to somebody. It seems there was a complain that I did. My first response was "Letters?". I said I didn't write any. Then I recollected that a day before my father had asked me if there were some mails exchanged. I replied in negative, but I didn't think much about it.

The first letter given in person was in January 2006. Then a year later, a friend forwarded an article. Then a couple of months after that, there was a message sent through 'Orkut'. If anybody had found this as bad, I could have been told. The way my mother asked me looked as if she was angry that I wrote "letters". It made me cry that this became a matter of grave concern. I didn't know I was a cause trouble with the three so called letters. I wonder if they were really letters. I don't know who all has read them till now. I feel so embarrassed and insulted.

I wish I could really write a letter and send it. I wrote so many of course. But never sent them. They were just deleted even before being read for the second time. How many people can I explain this to? I am afraid if this continues, even the people who are supporting me now will begin to show indifference. But it all boils down to only one person who, unfortunately, won't speak up. I support this person. I understand how important it is for her to never get into all this. I will keep myself at the receiving end, but I plead that it is not overdone.

All these years I have tried to make myself a better person. I removed so many words from my vocabulary, I kept away from even repeating so many words. Everyday before sleeping I recollect my whole day asking myself for the erroneous things I have done. For many acts done by me I have spent hours thinking if they could be wrong and how the consequences would be. I have discussed so many things with my elders, made so much effort to correct my behavior, learn good manners, etiquettes, and take in every possible good character. I understand that even then I am very much like an average human being with fallacies in me. But after having done so much to myself, after having deprived myself of so many luxuries I could have enjoyed, keeping myself reserved, when somebody questions my character, I simply cannot let that thing go down my throat.

There are various definitions of character we all know. I wonder if even one is understood comprehensively. Just because I started liking a girl in the first year of my engineering, decided that she should be the one I live with all my life with, told my parents about as much as I could when the situation demanded, insisted them to go and talk to the girl's elders, prayed and cried for hours that the proposal is accepted, hoped that things would be in my favor, I don't think makes my character questionable. Please, please somebody teach me if I am wrong with my belief. And also tell me why I can't be relied upon. Please talk.

I Am Calling You

I just asked my brother to close the drawing room’s door and keep quiet. I showed him some pictures of Infosys’s Mysore’s campus and he started asking me several things relating to how my job there would be. He then asked me if I was not going to do MBA and how I could do it if I were joining Infosys the same time of the year next year. I said I am going to write CAT. He asked me or rather said that I was not studying. I asked him if he was studying for EAMCET. He reminded that CAT was in November and EAMCET the next year. And I asked him to close his mouth. He was playing on his cell phone while talking to me.

Yesterday two of my college friends came to my house after 11 pm. I had my glasses resting on the table when I heard the bell ring. My father was out and others were already getting ready to sleep so I went downstairs to check the door. The two guys had moved back to the gate waiting for me to come. I saw them from a distance. As I had no glasses I stared wondering who could come at such a time even while I knew most of my friends do this. I asked them to come up.

Around 2:45 am I realized the time. They both stayed till 5 am and left as we could hear the Fajar Azaan at the nearby mosque. We had serious talks, naughty times and moments of uncontrolled laughter. But it all had only two premises – Infosys and I cannot directly mention the other thing here. The time went racing as we didn’t care of what was going around. Everybody home was asleep after my father came home at 11:30 pm from a marriage function he had been too. Nobody else went to that function for we had a get together at home – home made chicken and mutton biryani from outside.

The day I got selected in Infosys I hardly had any form of jubilant feeling which I could see in many people there. All I could think was my mother’s happiness and how proud she could feel telling her colleagues about her son’s selection into Infosys. Soon after informing I started getting calls from other people to congratulate me. I kept them telling that I am for doing an MBA and Infosys can’t give me what I want from my life.

The next day at my cousin’s reception party I met more people than I had ever met in my life before. They were greeting me. They were telling me how happy they were for me. They also explained me that this is for the first time somebody could get a job this way in the whole family especially when most of the money here has been pumped using foreign currency. I was happy hearing all that but it was not really what I wanted. One of the two things I wanted was just a few meters away from me yet in reality a million miles far, and the other thing, an MBA degree from a premier business school which had just started giving me sleepless nights, started looking blurred. Possibly, that day things began to change for me. They really changed; with the other thing too.

Getting into and working at Infosys seems too easy now and working for CAT seems the hardest thing. The last mock I wrote went so well that I scored 86 percentile and cleared one cut off out of the three. I say that it went well because there was zero preparation behind it and the section in which I cleared the cut off with three extra marks had always worried me. I am cent percent confident that if I study now, I can crack even the toughest paper presented to me. Who will provide me with the motivation I need now? The other thing has got me dejected.

Yesterday I asked one of my friends to remember something very important whether in doing business or in doing a job – if you are not growing, you are bound to fall. There is no such thing as security. Success never stands on a plateau. If the downfall doesn’t come immediately, it’s just a matter of time before we are struck by it. The only way to fight is the keep growing. That’s the only way.

There was something else too which we spoke. It has been running in my mind for long. I have a cousin sister of mine who lives in Austin, Texas. I had spent many of my childhood days with her and she has been like a teacher to me. I remember her once telling me that she wanted to do Phd. and she likes having that “Dr.” thing attached with her name. She got married when I was in my ninth standard and on the 1^st of this month she started teaching in a school there in Austin. Until now she was a housewife. I am glad I have such a good person in my life and if someday I sit down to write the list of people who have influenced me, I would be including her name in the top few. But I feed sad that she has not done her Phd. till now.

This happens with many girls. At their kindergarten age, like every other person, girls do dream of something big – being very rich or achieving so and so things. They grow with the dream in their heart and seldom do they realize that the destiny they are heading to won’t let them materialize it. They get married in their early twenties and the dream is lost. They have no pain of seeing the dream dying – at least as far as I could understand. This is usually what happens in the society I come from.

I know it’s bad. It’s as bad as stepping on ones ideas. It hurts me – it hurts not because the dream doesn’t come true, it hurts because the will to fulfill it dies. I always see a person by the size of the dream he or she keeps and the commitment being put behind it. It’s a different thing if the dream goes unfulfilled. The making of a dream into a goal is important.

I Don’t have sisters. At least my mother has done what she wanted – she is independent and earns to meet everything she wants and more. Alhamdulillah. And I am also glad that she supports and encourages every person who dreams; just that she laughed when I told her that I wanted to buy an island! Though in general, in my whole family, girls have always been taken equal to boys and have been given equally good education no matter how much money the situation had asked for. My two maternal cousin sisters are going some steps beyond this.

If I had a sister I would have supported every dream she could have ever dreamt. It can be a bigger satisfaction to help others achieve their dreams. I wish I could do more with this idea of letting girls keep their dreams alive even after they get married. I can just write it here. It won’t make much difference. I can discuss it with some people I know and those all who will give their ear to me. But still it won’t make much difference. The tragedy will continue. I still wish I could change that idea. I still wish the other thing I mentioned above wasn’t that million miles away from me. I could have kept the dreams alive even after three years from now.

If I join Infosys I will work with them for at least two years. I would be looking forward to leaving this country at the earliest. I was glad when they asked me to keep my passport ready when I join them next year. But my aim is to do an MBA from a very good institute. I would try to pursue something through the company itself. I have always kept myself at an inclination toward management and that’s where I want myself to be destined to go. I like programming, I like being a technical person skilled in computer languages or working with computers for the computers. But that’s not how I want to see myself. I don’t like being called as a software engineer. I never wanted to work for any IT company. I hardly knew of Infosys until I saw their website on the 17^th of July, the day on which I had my interview. I may work with them, but they can’t take me to my goals. I have fixed check-points to be crossed – they come at 5 years and 10 years from now respectively.

But I am sad that things are not going the way I wanted them to happen. I thank Allah for the support I am getting from my parents and other relatives but still I am not getting what I wanted. When I asked everybody to open my heart and see, they cut through my ribs, took a razor-sharp blade and slashed the hard muscle of my heart, and complained about what they saw. They said there was only blood, and some chambers they couldn’t figure out. So sad they couldn’t understand what ran in that blood. They didn’t see what gave motion to it and what resided in the chambers. I wish they could understand that the other thing resided in my blood stream and it can never be removed from it. Colorless blood has never been found in humans.

Lately I have understood that even if I have a backing of a hundred people, one single person can prevent happiness from reaching me. I wanted to show faith, that I can be the one who can make happiness, but there was nobody to listen. I can’t even go and beg for I have to keep the pride and honor of the family. My aunt told me that I am being played with my emotions. I still don’t know what lies on the other side. The person won’t speak up.

I have always used my blogs liberally to convey messages and I thank all those who read it. I found a new reader too who mentioned about me in her blog a few days back. It feels nice to be talked nice about. None of my friends blog; so I can never read what the people who are known to me can write. Two of my cousins write but they are not personal. I am reading the two blogs of my new reader daily and I could relate myself to what she writes. She was right when she wrote a comment on my blog – even on the other side of our planet, there are people we can relate ourselves to.

I am not aware of the presence of any form of human authority above me. I always like people who can think for themselves and take their own decisions. My parents have always encouraged me and my brother to take decisions for ourselves. We have never been stopped or forced, just guided. We both have always spoken our minds without the fear of being scolded or reduced. We have also been given the right to veto if something was not in favor in our house. I strongly believe that that is how a house can be made into a home. The way my parents can question me, I can ask them anything. They have always made me feel their equal even while respecting the age differences and that rights and duties we are bound to live. We have learnt to enjoy the freedom in discipline. Alhamdulillah.