I won't breath until...

I didn't write anything about my cousin's marriage. My two cousin sisters who got married some months back were written a lot in the blogs - not only this one but also the family blog. Somehow, I still won't be writing anything this time. There is too much to be written and I am sure I will end up being biased. I can't answer the question of how I can be biased. Those who know, know it. I am waiting.

There is some person I badly need to talk to. But I can't. That person won't heed to me and I have also given my word that I won't try to talk as long as we are into our engineering. There are things I have to discuss with my parents. I can do that anytime. But the only thing that troubles me is that I don't want them to come to know so much through others. They have always trusted me and I already told my father once that I am hiding something form him. He has a fair idea of what it is and he has no problem with it. He knows that I will let him know everything when I feel that the time is right.

According to what I had wanted, the time is not right. But time had done different things here. I don't control it. Allah has charge of everything. I find unbelievable things happening with me and around me. I am open now. I don't even know from where it started - who said it first, to whom, who all know it, who thinks what. I am sure nobody knows the right things in the right way. But to my astonishment, they all are positive. They talk about it among themselves but they never tell me whats going on. I wanted to have things said by me. The right things - that it is only me responsible for everything. That I am the one who should be questioned if at all something is found wrong. I don't know what lies inside. I don't know what lies ahead.

I meet my elders. They know about me. They smile at me. I sit with them. They stare at me. They look happy with me. But they never talk about it. I try to behave normal. I try hard. I know it shows. I love them. They are important to me. I never meant to hide things but I found that somethings are to be said only when there is substance in it. How can I share it when I myself don't know what resides on the other side of my story? I can't tell them I have been spending all this time thinking myself as a looser and then suddenly things have become so critical. I had become used to loosing.

Since the time I got selected by Infosys, life has changed. I am looked at as a very good student, as a person who is very confident of his future and who is going to do something big. I have my dreams. I will achieve them no matter what happens. InshAllah of course. I am confident about my future. No doubt. Alhamdulillah. But they don't know that there is something I want and it keeps on hurting me. I will never be able to explain my seriousness to so many people. I do understand that I don't have to explain it. But I am 'me' and I have always been doing it. There are people out there ready to forget some rules just because it is 'me'. It is getting complicated day by day. I am being spoken and I don't know what exactly is being talked.

I took the liberty to write all the above lines. It was necessary. For me. To relieve myself. Some people will read it. Maybe my cousins, some friends. I know I don't have to justify. My cousin brother who got married said the same thing - don't justify. He is sweet. He has always been so. I don't want anything to go wrong. I will take the 'wrong' on me if necessary. I am not fooling around here. Things matter to me. Its so easy to smile.

I respect everybody and I thank them for the positiveness they are showing towards me. But I want them to know that I have no idea what lies on the other side. I don't know if I should explain them what all I did in the last two years and that it was all done only by me. Just me. If somebody is impure, its only me. Nobody else. I don't know if I can explain anybody that there is some person to whom I want to tell a billion sorries but that person won't listen to me. Is that a punishment? I will take it. But please let me know that it is a punishment. Everyday I live, I understand that Allah is greater than what I had thought Him to be the previous day.

I don't know your heart

So many things go unsaid and unwritten. I don't know if I am growing but I do know that I am not at a standstill. I am moving ahead - at least in some good and accepted direction. Its totally a diffet think to find out if that is what I want or not. But I am going fine. Alhamdulillah. For the things I missed on the blog in these few days, I wrote post on Flowing Emotions and names it as "Welcome To My Heart". It is a nutshell to several thoughts and gravity. It has vagues reasons in it.

I don;t have much to write. I never had in fact. I used to seek things that could be written. I never forged anything. I just put into words all that I had in my eyes. I tried to do it. Its again a different thing if I did it to reality or not. But itw as good and satisfying. There has never been any deception in it.

I am not happy with the way things have spread. Though nobody complains, though everybody seems to be happy with me, I know things shouldn;t have become so open so early. I wanted to be the word of my own and talk for myself. I don;t understand why the word had to come in the air without my knowledge. It is sad to know what others think now. I don't know if they speculate, but like always, half knowledge is dangerous. Allah knows best. I only seeks His guidance and worship him. Its He who decides. My duty is to accept. I am happy for that.

You don't have to remember anything when you say the truth

There are many truths I can derive from the facts today. My purpose of writing for today is to thank Allah for not just letting me get selected by Infosys, but also for letting me have the right people and energies around me. It was way back in 1999 when I attended a workshop on personality development that I was exposed to many ideas I could hardly understand. Perhaps I did understand them then, but I didn't get why they were necessary and why I should be happy if people laugh at my words coming from my heart.

Today on my way back to home from the college I realized the difference that workshop and the subsequent books I have read all these years. I also understood that it was so important that I could talk to my father on anything and anytime and also have some very good cousins, uncles and aunts. All these years of my life has kept effecting me continuously. Only that I realized some fine points today.

The aptitude tests today Alhamdulillah weren't of much difficulty to me. I could finish both of them even before the stipulated time ended. I stood outside the room for the interviewer to call me in. When I was asked to get in, I stood at the door and asked "may I come in sir". The reply was "please wait".

The moment I saw his face, asked him if I could come in, he replied, I absorbed his tone of voice, I was into a relaxation mode. Those 2 seconds explained to me that I can listen and talk to this person and communicate with him on a level I can appreciate. I couldn't believe that twenty minutes at the HR interview could go so fast. I will putting down some conversation I had with him. I don;t remember the exact words, but this is roughly how we interacted.

He: Can you please switch on the fan. Please don't mind.
I: Sure sir.

I got up, went to the switchboard, and the moment I started checking for the right switch, I turned towards him and said "a little while ago there was no power sir".

The one of the fans started spinning. I tried almost all the switches before I turned on the right appliance. I realized that the switch was already and I had not seen it. I hoped he didn't get that.

He asked me if he could call me as Hasan or Zubair. I clicked on Zubair.

He asked me to talk about my family. I told him about my father and brother before he stopped me and asked me other things. I am mentioning a few interesting ones.

He: what is your ultimate goal in your life.
I: To be happy.
He: What do you call being happy.
I: Being productive. Keep learning always ...
He: Productive in the sense having many children?

I laughed and started telling him a few things which he interrupted. Then I asked him if I could tell him about the biggest thing I want to achieve in my life. He allowed.

I: I want to buy an Island in the north Atlantic.
He: Do you know what will be required to buy that?

Here he was possibly checking if I really meant that.

I: It would take $ 5 million to $ 35 million. I have checked it on the Internet and I know that details.
He: How many efforts are you putting in the achieve your dream.
I: I don't believe in putting efforts or in doing hard work.
He: How do you think you can achieve your goal or dream?
I: I strongly believe that as long as I have fire in my belly, the determination to succeed and the longing for it, I don't I will have to think of things like efforts and hard work. If I work for my dreams and if I call it as hard work, then I am possibly on the wrong path. No matter what I do I won't call it as hard work. It will come from my heart and I will enjoy it. It won't be hard work. It won't be effort. It will be my happiness.
He: Hmmm ...

He asked me a question on elevators which I had already thought about once. I had the solution ready with me. But I preferred telling something new. He instead told me his solution which was same as that I had already thought of long back. But I had to fight him and so I showed him that even his solution can't be ideal. Here, I also conflicted with the existing solution I had thought previously. I stood by the side of my answer even when I had not spent any time on it - I had developed it just then. We discussed on the possibilities. We debated a little. It was good.

He asked me another making me imagine myself as a trainee manager. I enjoyed answering that.

Once the interview was over I tried to imagine myself in his place and see if I must be selected. My thoughts worried me. Then I told myself that I did not know what the person was looking was. If it was general communication skills and positivity with good confidence, then I thought I must be selected. Alhamdulillah I am.

I now that all the books I read till now, all that talks I had with my father and my uncle, was the only preparation I had made for the interview. Alhamdulillah I had the right training. Right things came at the right times. Allah has blessed me with probably more that what I actually deserve. How much do I thank him? Even my tears can't say enough.

I informed my parents the moment I was informed about my selection. My mother told to few more people. Even my father did the same. Many relatives have congratulated me since then. I miss my grandfather and my eldest aunt again now. This thing would have made them so happy. I can imagine what their exact words and tones of their voices. I can draw their smiles in my eyes. I can still hear their voice. If only they were here and I could tell them how much they matter. Allah is great.

I want to do MBA. No doubt Infosys is a very good company and I can make a lot of progress if I join them. But it won't get to me my island. After I told the interviewer about my dream, for a second I thought I had made a mistake. He knows that Infosys won't me my island. And if he knows that, then I am not suited for Infosys. In front of truth, he couldn't read between the lines.

I didn't say even a singe lie to him as far as I remember now. Some hours back I had some thing in my mind I had lied. I forgot that. But I had integrity on my side. I strongly believe in the fact that I don't have to remember anything when I have to say the truth. My reply that efforts and hard work are not right would be called as foolish. But I had the truth in my heart and I said it. I was clear. Words were coming from my heart. It was my subconscious mind speaking. I have been training it for years now. I didn't think before speaking because everything was inside me and I was clear with everything. I was myself in the interview.

I have read some chapters from the book "How To Get Your Point Across In 30 Seconds Or Less". While I was reading them, I was imagining myself in several instances and explaining myself how I must deliver. Things got into my subconsciousness then itself. I realize now that all my answers were to the point and were said in 30 seconds or less. Alhamdulillah I could have my subconsciousness speak today.

I have CAT on November 18th. I have to get into any of the top MBA colleges in India. I find it the easier way to get to the island. InshAllah I will be there. I am happy I could make my parents happy.

The unwritten poem

What if I say I feel like writing a poem? Its been long since I have updated Gridlocked. What if I say I don't understand to whom I can tell what I have in my mind? Neither do I understand if I can actually tell that to anybody. The bigger question is: it must be said or not? I can't cause myself become an insult and embarrassment. I can't reveal how badly I have lost the battle to my ego. But I do realize that I need to give up a few battles. Its the war that must be won. That's the objective. I won't write any poem.

Its not maturity to know how to keep things to myself. Not at least according to what all I have in my mind. There is nothing that is attempting to hold me. I may let my words free even if some person could make some sympathy apparent in his eyes. It won't be a battle to be won or lose. Selection of that person could amount to maturity.

I wish I could have all the maturity required to beat my ego and emotions. I will some day have all that wisdom. But that will be too late. There would be, according to the present heat I have in my mind, nothing left to gain or lose. I don't know if I can wait for some person to realize the words given to me. I wonder if the person was aware of what was coming out of his mouth. 'His' can be non-trivial. I know why I wrote for today. And I understand it is foolishness. I wish I could prove myself a fool. It could be of so much help. I could have taken others as wise and heeded to all they said. A fool is always happy.

My Woe

Darkness surrounds my forlorn soul,
engulfed in the bleak tides of sorrow.
Lost I have, the semblance of being whole,
and no more can I envisage a bright morrow.

The cruel blows of melancholy leave me enervated
and hopelessly do I cry for assuagement.
But my imploring often ends up desiccated,
for all I perceive is tribulation and torment.

I am drowning in turbulent torrents of affliction,
without the promise of extrication and mirth.
To misery, I satiate its addiction,
it feeds off my laughter and grief takes birth.

I have strayed into the lurid depths of suffering,
and the path to atonement is gravely obscure.
No longer do my prayers meliorate the buffering,
of this woe that seems to have no cure.

With each fleeting moment, I plummet deeper,
into the unfathomable reaches of pain.
Now I plead for a rendezvous with death’s keeper,
so that peace I may hopefully attain.

This poem was written by an old friend of mine. He now lives in Chicago and the only contact I have with him is through facebook. I feel great every time he writes on my wall there. When he left of US a year back, I felt a deep pain thinking that I would never come to meet him again. The chats I had with him after that, then the facebook connection made me feel that he is still there. he write great poems. I couldn't read much from him, but what all I read were hear-touching.

In the evening I was with so many of my cousins. I have quite a few cousin sisters I have never spoken. I really don't know why things are that way. We all went out for dinner with our elders and had lots of fun. My uncle from US is returning to his country on 12th. My aunt and cousins will be here for a month more. I am surely enjoying my time with them. Today's evening was another of the great times. I was there with them till almost 12 midnight. Even my other aunt and cousin from Riyadh were there. My cousin from Kyrgyzstan was there too. It was nice meeting him. He has lost good weight!

I have some busy, rough and unusual times ahead. The next week will see many of my relatives and cousins coming from abroad. I looking ahead to meet them. Then I have to attend my cousin's marriage. I am still not sure about that. I have my first mock CAT on 15th. There is is a recruitment program by Infosys. Though I am not much interested in doing any job, I have to keep my mother satisfied. She is paying for my education.

Can you keep secrets? Things to yourself?

With the start of colleges started days with sunlight and as a consequence a lot of humidity. By the time I reach college in the morning I already smell sweat on me. Forget the thirst and forget the water coolers in the college. There is only one left near the old library. I wonder if the managment knows the colleges have started and the students can feel thirst. They did think about hunger a little and went ahead with the second canteen just to add a little variety and extend the existing menu to some south Indian dishes.

I spoke to my uncle sometime back. He was at a movie theatre when I called him. We spoke about the letter he had asked me to write in which he wanted the US consulate to know that he is no longer interested in pursuing an immigrant visa to their country and that they can cancel his existing application. I have already given him the latter and he has liked it. We also spoke about the present book I am reading. Its on Network Marketing. I don't expect anybody to know much on this. I had some misconceptions and doubts, and I am increasing my knowledge on this business technique.

I had nothing to write when I felt like writing today. I am tired to writing about the times i had woken up or slept. I don't feel like typing how my day was and what all I did. I don't want to write what I will be doing tomorrow. I want to avoid facts. Truth is always apparent. Its all in the air. Just the right receptors are required.

Am I being heard?

"Aawarapan", a part of "Terabithia", a review of "Tuesdays With Moorie" that I found after the end of "Five People You Meet In Heaven" in that book, and the first 20+ pages of "Get A Life" gave me the entertainment for today. The time I spent with my grandmother, uncles, aunts and cousins and of course friends gave me the reason required to appreciate the quality of life I am living. Until a few weeks back I had felt myself smiling daily when I laid myself for sleep. I don't go to bed that way now a days. I am unsatisfied. The reason being CAT as I figure it out to be. But I suspect some other activities and "images" too. I can see some images with no necessity to even close my eyes.

Tuesday I had spent many hours with my grandmother at her residence. I even happened to clean my grandfather's room. We had left it almost untouched as if he would come back to use it. There was just a cloth put to cover all the things on his table and it had all gathered dust on it. The dust increased as we started to learn to live without him. We had to wipe it so that the healing could happen faster. It wouldn't work, I knew, even as I cleaned the table and discarded all his medicines including the ones that were ready for him to be taken the day he left us.

There were books. Many. On religion, astronomy, astrology, magnet-therapy and mythology. There were dictionaries - English, French, Urdu and Telugu. There were his diaries. Dating back to 1949. The diary for 2007 being the first one to be opened by me. He wrote everything. The people he met, what they did, where they lived, many phone numbers and everything he could. Though he wasn't writing details for the last few years, but perhaps he knew he was forgetting things and he required some help to remind him of them. I had to discard many such records he had made. I didn't know what to do with them. When he was alive he used to tell us that everything would be useless after he left. But I still have his old diaries. It will take a lot of my heart if I have to call them useless.

His clothes, old, new, his sweater neatly folded and saved in a plastic for the next winter, his woolen socks, his muffler. It was all there. There was no next winter for him. At least with us. Allah knows how a grave feels like. Now my grandfather too knows that. Under his clothes, as it looked to me at the first sight, was some cardboard piece covered in a newspaper. As I unwrapped it, I found an old photograph that had been preserved from all seasons for more than 60 years. It was a group-photograph; of course in black and white. There were names under it and I searched for a Muslim name. I found one. I narrated it to my grandmother and showed the person. He was my grandfather's father. He was a medical doctor.

I found many other photographs I had seen before. I found my mother's school photograph. Some certificates. Many receipts from banks and of paid bills, all records of the money transactions he had made in these years. I had to clear all I found useless. It pains my heart to call them useless. But we had to let it go.

I had a look at his collection of colorful stones and rings made of silver and some golden metal which I am sure is not gold. It must be bronze, copper or brass. I found an old camera. I had never seen such a thing before. It was a big black box with some nut like things attached to it. I will see later what it is and how it used to work.

He had everything of use to him. Blades, scissors, pins - of all sorts, papers, files, tapes, everything. He had a world of his own. He didn't share much of it with anybody else. He was still close to us. But he had a world inside that first room of his house that was known only to him, that had seen more than 35 years of his life. We all have our own worlds that we don't share much. Someday when we leave, it comes to light only to be cleaned and forgotten. There is no way we can show others what we had in our hearts. I don't know if Allah gives that chance to share my heart when we all finally reach heaven. Maybe heaven will make me forget all of it. I can feel it in my throat now. I doesn't go down well.

I asked my grandmother and uncle to sell this house and move to a new one. This one is very old and is not built on columns and beams but thick walls and it is no longer a good and easy place to live in. When I think about seeing this house being sold, I know how it can feel. If I had money right now, Rs. 35,00,000, I would have purchased it and kept it untouched for the rest of my life. I can't do it. Some person is going to buy it, tear it down, and erect a new structure there. I have tears as I write this. I remember every inch of that house, the smell of the old doors, the feel of the heavy walls, the deep ceilings. Everything. It will all go into mud. I don't have that money.

I remember the trees of the house that were brought down some years back. I remember the pain I had felt then. The chirping of the birds that used to perch on the trees is still fresh in my mind. I can't forget that sparrow with only one leg that used to eat vegetable waste daily before noon. I remember the holes I used to dig in the mud to play and then fill them again. There was a stone beneath which I would to save coins. The raindrops of the season fill my years now. The thought of the soil that had turned black due to the used tea powder thrown there daily for years by my grandmother makes me feel the perfumed dirt on my hands. I used to play with it at times. It was not dirty. I can't resist change. I wish I could just preserve it. My blog preserves so much irrespective of what I desire to be saved. It can be an emotional baggage. My grandfather is gone. The home will go. My words will leave unsaid. Is there a chance?