coincidences

If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect.
— Ted Turner (attrib.)

I have no idea what I can write for now but that reason that I post this is just vague - I feel like writing. It is difficult to write with no inspiration at all. There is some want but no force. Inspiration can make me write even when there is resistance to write. When I read my old posts I always wonder if it was me who could write all that. I at time feel I have lost some knack. My posts now a days don't excite me.

I slept at 2:30 am and woke up at 10:15 am. I went to bed again after having a cap of tea and a look at the newspaper. I woke up around 12:45 pm and had my breakfast - I don't know what exactly I can term it as. It was heavy with a big piece of chicken and lots of 'masala'. I had had the same thing even yesterday night. Now again there is a cup of tea getting cold just beside my keyboard.

For the last two weeks my computer's mouse is making me unhappy. It takes a single click as a double on and event he scroller has turned murky. I checked out with two stores near my house but didn't get the kind of thing I wanted. Maybe I will buy one tomorrow. As always I have taken the money from my parents and have not used it yet.

My eldest cousin brother had asked me to come to his house and load some softwares for children on his computer. Two of my niece, he says, will enjoy them. I said I will be there on Sunday. It was more than two months back that I had said this. He asked me again when he was here last Sunday. Today inshAllah I will go to his place in the evening.Its too hot outside now.

My aunt, from mother's side, who lives in Mecca is not well again. We are in continuous contact with her. She has some problem with her throat and she is finding it difficult to talk as the pain is unbearable. We are praying that she recovers soon. My another aunt who is a doctor and lives there is keeping us informed too. We are worried.

I never got to know them

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

— Helen Rowland

My uncle, aunt and two cousins arrived from US yesterday night. Their flight touched down at 10:30 pm they came out around 12:15 am. My uncle said no matter how nice the new airport being constructed is, if the management is same, it is useless. They had to wait for a very long time to get their baggage. Around the same time there were two more flights and the place was in mess.

Today they came to my house and we had dinner together. Right from the moment I met my aunt it looked to me as if we have been in continuous contact all these days. Have them at dinner proved it. We had lots of fun talking about everything we could in the short time they were here. I am waiting to see them again - perhaps tomorrow.

Today my mother went to buy some jewellery for the girl my cousin is getting married too. The last time she made such a purchase I was with her. Today she did it even without my knowledge. I don't say this as a complain. Just a fact. I wanted to be with her while she made this purchase. I myself don't know why I wanted to be with her. There is nothing to think about this want! Its irrational.

Yesterday alhamdulillah I submitted the report at Genpact along with my friend. I will get my letter soon stating about what I did being there for these two weeks. My friend will be continuing there and will get into some other process. I wish I could still continue but I have something I find more important. Even my mother is happy with this.

Yesterday I had lots to things to eat. I started with what I had at home in the morning. The same thing was repeated in the lunch. Then there were lots of fruits at Genpact in its cafeteria. After reaching home I had tea - I already had had coffee thrice during the day time. Then at an aunt's place I had herbal tea, samosas and of course lots of sweets. I can't forget these sweets and ever thoughts of them is making me laugh. I don't I have any reason and even if I have it, it is irrational again!

One of my two cousins who are here is 5 years younger to me. He hardly talks with anybody unless asked of something. His replies are short - not more than in two words usually. My uncle said he is the same even with them. The last time they were here five years back, he was different. But I did find him talk to people of his age group. He is well acquainted with my brother - they were already in contact through internet. The only two things he asked me till now by himself were: the time of the day when he arrived here yesterday and if Le Bon was still there. Le Bon is the name of the dog at my aunt's place. But he is a cool guy. It looks apparently.

Today the two cousins, my brother and another cousin who lives here went to City Center and McDonald's. They supposedly had lots of fun. They even had plans to go to Hi-Tech city but had to cancel as they were asked to come home in the evening. I was at home till 3 pm and went to a friend's house after that. He picked me up, took me to his house and dropped me back at my grandmother's house. He had a back up of my hard drive with him and I have copied it back onto my hard drive which I was forced to format a few months back.

No matter how my heart breaks

Nothing so stirs a man’s conscience or excites his curiosity as a woman’s silence.
— Thomas Hardy

I spoke to my friend at Genpact who is with the HR team. I told him that I might not be continuing with the internship after the coming Friday. I will be finishing the current and though I have a chance of getting into some there process, I want to quit and spend some time with CAT. We will be submitting a report on Friday inshAllah.

I really have nothing much to write for today too. In fact its just the thing I must avoid I guess. I have an ambivalent mind-frame and it is best to stay calm. Sometimes sitting back and taking time helps a lot. I have music going in my ears and I am listening to songs that make no relation to me. To be more precise, I find no song that I can match my mood. That's a good thing.

My elder cousin brother from Gulbarga called me up today in the afternoon. It was so nice talking to him. I was very happy glad and happy to hear form him. He will be shifting to Hyderabad on Monday. He will be doing DNB at Wokhardt Kamineni hospital here. He already has a specialization in orthopaedics. I am looking forward to meet him. I have always looked at him as an ideal but could never become like him.

In a short while I will be publishing a post on my family blog. It has been written by my cousin of course. I am just giving some value-add. It will be a long time after which we have written something for this blog.

I reached home a little early today. There wasn't much to be done or seen. We saw a little of the cross-training going on and we also spent some time preparing the report. My friend came to my house in the morning while I was asleep. It took me time to calm myself down. I wanted to sleep a little more.

stitched up by the hands of fate

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box.
— Italian saying

Its only out of sheer love towards writing that I am updating my blog now a days. I write only what this love makes me write. I am getting tired by the time I am reaching home and something is necessary to propel me. Its love here. I reached before 10 pm today.

My cousin brother's marriage has been finalized and most probably the dates have been decided too. No confirmation of the dates yet, but they will be around 15th of May. My cousin lives in London and he will be here for a very few days. The last time he was here was 6 months back if I am not wrong. That visit was just for 20 days.

On Friday InshAllah my uncle from US will be here in Hyderabad. I am not sure if my cousins too are coming with him. In July there will be many people coming here from Saudi Arabia. I am waiting for those days to come. Many reasons.

I take no more than i deserve... still need to learn more

I am beautiful; you have quite good features; she isn’t bad-looking if you like that type.

I thought I won't write for today. But I was reminded that today my friend said "for the first time I found a nice girl in Genpact" so I thought I could mention that. In fact a few days back he had said "there is no stock here". I didn't write about that. Just left it for a chance like this.

It i not at all that I have anything against him and I want to exploit everything he says. I just like bugging him. I hardly do that with anybody else. He does it too with me but he does it on an emotional level. So I have to retaliate it this way - by just making it public whatever he says. And he says amazing things regularly.

It was a busy day for us. We learnt a lot again. I am enjoying all this and liking it too. There is of course a difference between liking and enjoying. I am not going to assess that here today. I reached home at 10:20 pm. I had missed my cab and I had to walk a long way before I could get a bus.

bold, italic, publish, save, draft ... more

Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.

- Marcus Aurelius

Sometimes I don't have anything to write but I feel like writing. Writing even poems becomes simple. Something gives a reason I don't understand. It is not inspiration I know. It is pain and I don't understand it too.

As I have always believed that some things happen for the first times in our lives and it is nice that they happen. Yes, it is nice. But it can be painful. Torturous at time. Unhealthy for the future. They may excite me for the moment but they don't turn into words easily and so, I can't get lucid. It is serious. Those things are serious. I am serious.

Sticking on to something can be tough. Especially when I have spent some years in believing an idea contrary to the present one. I knew grief was somewhere around but didn't know it would strike this way. So brutally and so cleverly. It happens to perfection, creates reality that can't be thought as vague even if it is so; it happens as Allah commands. And He does it beautifully. No doubt. I sit and talk to myself and to Allah.

It was once of those things I had to get over and I was thinking that time would help me out. Here time seems to hunt me down. Perhaps it knows the future and it is preparing me for it. I really don't know what it is. I would reather fill all of today's post with the words "I don't know what is going on". All I can see is a systematic series of events, I had once ruled out thinking them to be foolishness, taking place at the apex of my emotions.

I can't explain intutions. I wish I could at least write them down. It could be so pathetic. But they were not exactly intutions. They were rather cognitions; my imaginations I had created to entertain myself. This would sound unimaginable. Even the presence looks the same to me. I can take things as they come. But its not as easy as it looks. Maybe it is. The mood I am right now says it is not.

I cannot always show it

The individual who has experienced solitude will not easily become a victim of mass suggestion.

— Albert Einstein

Today I had arguments with my mother twice. Once in the morning and once in the evening. Int he morning when I said that I wanted to take the car to the college, she didn't let me do that. In the evening because she said that I was missing classes at CL and that she doesn't really understand why I am going to Genpact. I didn't know what to explain her. She keeps repeating that I don't understand her. I don't make any attempts to make her understand me. Its a two-way process and its not taking place well.

I was at home the whole day. I didn't step out of the house for even once. This Saturday, is perhaps is the first Saturday that I have stayed home the whole day. For once it gave me the feeling of a Sunday too. The home-made food in dinner reminded me that its not. I had 'tahaari'. It was fine but I didn't like it much. The reason I didn't go to my grandmother's place is that she was at my aunt's house at Malakpet the whole week and she returned home just a couple of hours back.

Today there was some program I was supposed to attend in the college. When my mother didn't allow me to use the car I was a bit upset and I went back to bed. I woke up after 12:30 pm. I did want to got here. I wanted to be with my friends for sometime. When I called one of them to find out if they were going to be there in the college for some more time so that I could come, he replied in negation. I didn't go. Maybe even he didn't know that they were going to stay there for another two hours after I made the call. I felt a little bad. I move on.

Somethings don't let me move on this way. They keep coming back again to present themselves as if they are an integral part of my destiny. They tell me that my past won't bury so easily. What I came across eight years back looks as though it will haunt me all through my life. Maybe the word 'haunt' is in its improper use here. I might as well perhaps call this as a punishment - of some divine sort. I don't know what it is but it hurts.

Today when I lay myself on the bed thinking about going to the college, I came across this thing that brought tears in my eyes. I didn't know I would cry on it taken that I regret its occurrence. It was not that simple wetness in the eyes. I had tears rolling from both the eyes and my heart hurting me. I fell asleep. I was fine when I woke up. I had moved on then.

Then I got to talk to a cousin of mine who gave gave me a news that apparently seems as the most exciting of all the things I have heard in my recent past. I still do not know how to react to it. It looks silly. I feel like laughing for once. And I feel like shouting. I wish I could cry on it - the tears won't come on this occasion. The news has some string attached to it that states that it may silently bury itself. But there are more chances of a 'move ahead' scenario and I want that to happen. If I exaggerate, I can call it my destiny and accept it. But terming that way would sound naive. Perhaps no. What else is destiny then?

Tomorrow I plan to go to my aunt's house and spend time with my cousins. it has been long since I met them. In fact I was supposed to be there today but we found it better suited for tomorrow. I have many things to talk to one of them. Today my father had said that we would go out for a drive today but he postponed it for tomorrow. Thats is among the important things too. CAT is always there as a background process.