Today afternoon I didn't feel like attending the Computer graphics lab and so, I asked a friend if he could stay with me and spend sometime in the college without attending any class. He agreed. But he said it openly too that I wanted others to be there. My other friends were also not so interested in attending the classes and we were together till almost 4:30 pm. A few left before. I was happy being there with everybody around. I wanted some time.
Yesterday late in the evening I got a cell phone activated. It was gifted to my by my uncle and I was afraid that my parents wouldn't let me use it. I didn't even had to ask for it and I my number with me.
Several years back when cell phones in India were new, my uncle - father's elder brother - purchased one. Then and even now whenever somebody calls him, he receives the call by having the first word said by him as his name. He hardly looks as the phone number of the calling person. He simply says his name and then proceeds with the conversation. Even level.since I saw him doing this, I had decided that I would be emulating him.
But now that this style has been viewed my several people in the movie 'Don', I guess I will have to abjure this idea of doing it like my uncle. It's disheartening to me that a movie of Shah Rukh Khan is stopping me from doing it. I won't be doing it as I don't want anybody to say that I am imitating Don. I just wanted to be like my uncle - walking tall, professional and independent.
My grandfather used to fill water in a glass and keep it in his room so that he will not have to make frequent trips to the other room where water is kept. On Saturday too he might have done the same thing. On Sunday when my aunt and I were moving some furniture in his room we found the glass in a shelf. It was full, filled with water, and covered with a plastic cover. That Saturday my grandfather didn't know that he was not going to drink it.
There was a table in a corner of his room on which he had some books, his medicines, shaving kit in a corner, some boxes having scissors, a set of magnets for magneto therapy, his toothbrush and paste and a few other things. There was a box that stacked biscuits for him. He ate them a few times everyday at fixed timings. The box i still there with the biscuits. He is not going to eat them. The same is the case with a box that has some dry fruits in it. He had to eat them to maintain his cholesterol level. There is a bottle of honey too. It's full.
On Saturday I reached his house at 3:20 pm. Unlike every time I go there, I didn't go to his room to greet him. Even he calls out my name and asks me how I am and if I was coming from my college. That day he didn't. I was very hungry and I told the same thing to one of my two aunts there. At 3:30 pm my mother arrived from her office. I told my aunt that it was after many years mother was coming early on a Saturday. Allah sent her early with a purpose.
My aunt asked me if I can skip the class at CL that evening. She wanted me to o some packing as she was scheduled to leave for Mecca on 26th. I told her that I would do it the next day - Sunday. I said that it is important that I attend the class. I didn't know I was not going to attend.
The moment my mother entered the room she started shouting. On her way home she received around 10 calls from her office asking for some file which was in one of the several cabinets in her room. She had to instruct people to search for that file and she was thinking that she might have to go back should the file be not found. She was almost crying saying that life for her was so unfair. Then finally the file was locate and she was relieved. But in those 30 minutes she said a lot of rubbish. She didn't know that her father was lying dead in the room just next to where she was standing.
While she was shouting on the phone and even at herself, for a second I thought about my grandfather. He always becomes a part of all conversation that takes place in the home. He also greets my mother and always waits for her to come on Saturdays. There was no sound from her but I thought he was sleeping. I didn't strike me that he never slept this way. He always used to get disturbed very easily.
Around 4 pm, like daily, my grandmother went to his room with a cup of milk. She tried to wake him up. He didn't respond. She shouted to call my aunt. She went and shook him and shouted several times. We were there already. My grandfather was cold by now and he looked a little blue. I couldn't believe it.
My mother, grandmother and aunts started crying. Hearing this our neighbor came. There was a doctor too. She checked my grandfather's wrists. She was already negative when she asked us to take him to hospital. I ran out to get an rickshaw. He never ran that way on a street before. By the time I reached home the neighbor had already put a sheet of cloth on my grandfather's face. I shouted and told that we should take him to the hospital. Somebody said that it was all over. I still wanted to take him to the hospital. I couldn't believe that he could leave us this way. I had not even met him. I had to talk to him like I do every Saturday. My mother had to meet him. that day he was taken to a doctor int he morning and we had to ask him how he was feeling now. The doctor had told him that he was a little better.
It took some time to understand what had happened. Just fine minutes back I was sitting in the other room waiting for my mother to finish her phone calls so that we could have our lunch. I was so hungry. I had not had my breakfast that morning. I had the first meal of the day around 10pm. My grandfather never took rest until he saw me eating food in the afternoons on Saturdays. He wasn't there to scold me this time. If he had know that because of him I was having my meal so late, he would have cried.
the last one month he spent his time in a very depressed state. He used to weep literally for simple things. He had lost all his sheen and might but still used to shout so much at ever small thing that was not in its place. That morning he had scolded the servant maid and had made her clean some blocked drains. He had taken a walk outside. He spoken for an hour with my aunts. My youngest aunt was leaving on 26th so he used to tell her that he would not be here when she would visit the country in 2008. He would cry.
He always said that my uncle shouldn't come when he dies. My uncle had initially told him that he would be arriving here on 20th. Some problem with his passport delayed his arrival. My grandfather left us on 20th. Uncle came on 22nd. We completed the funeral rights after the fajar of 21st. My grandfather had a smile on his face when I saw his body for the last time. It was just after the bath given to him.
I was asked be there when the bath was being given. My uncle asked me to get down in the grave and do the rituals. I was afraid to do either of the two things. I felt myself weak. Perhaps I should have done it. I remember the days when he used to take me out to buy me chocolates holding my small and weak hands. I was afraid now to hold him and help him into his final place on the earth.
He left so much behind. So many things, so many memories. Every single things hurts me now. tears roll down simply without me having to think anything. It simply hurts and I can't define it. It is terrible. There seems to be no way out of this change I have to live with. I know many more of such things are ahead on my way to the grave.
My grandfather always wanted me to have a cell phone Now that I have it, he is not there to see. It looks so unfair. But it's all Allah's wish and I complain not even a bit. He is great.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
He can't leave me this way
I still didn't feel like writing but finally thought of putting a few lines. I went to the college today but left early - at 1 pm. I went to my grandmother's house. Yesterday morning my uncle - mother's brother - arrived here from Saudi Arabia. He wanted me to stay with him in the night but I had to go to the college and so, I didn't. Today I was with him in the afternoon and evening. He may not be going back to Saudi. He will stay with my grandmother.
I have several thoughts in my mind. I have seen and experienced so much in the last few days. I have learned so much and did things I never wanted to do and was afraid was. I want to put them all in words but I am confused if I should really do it. It's all about my grandfather. Right from the morning of Saturday till today evening.
Alhamdulillah things are better now. I have seen how it is human for us to find small happiness even when the atmosphere is filled with the air of sadness. It is like alternating between smiles and tears. I have seen tears roll down from my eyes even when I wasn't thinking anything about my grandfather. I didn't cry the way others did, but I need to break open and relieve myself. I am still shocked. Life won't be the same from now on.
Whenever I was at my grandparents' house I was used to having so many constraints on me. There were so many things I wasn't supposed to do without taking my grandfather's permission. Not just me but everybody else. Now there is nobody to stop. I felt guilt so many times moving things in my grandfather's room because nobody ever had the chance to move anything from it's place unless he had asked for it. He is no more there to stop anybody.
We have no authority above us now - the authority which we all loved; which I had felt and lived with for more than 20 years. The last day of the Islamic calender took him away from us. I still have a feeling that he is there, somewhere, in the house, with us, yet silent. He hasn't left. I need time to believe that.
I have several thoughts in my mind. I have seen and experienced so much in the last few days. I have learned so much and did things I never wanted to do and was afraid was. I want to put them all in words but I am confused if I should really do it. It's all about my grandfather. Right from the morning of Saturday till today evening.
Alhamdulillah things are better now. I have seen how it is human for us to find small happiness even when the atmosphere is filled with the air of sadness. It is like alternating between smiles and tears. I have seen tears roll down from my eyes even when I wasn't thinking anything about my grandfather. I didn't cry the way others did, but I need to break open and relieve myself. I am still shocked. Life won't be the same from now on.
Whenever I was at my grandparents' house I was used to having so many constraints on me. There were so many things I wasn't supposed to do without taking my grandfather's permission. Not just me but everybody else. Now there is nobody to stop. I felt guilt so many times moving things in my grandfather's room because nobody ever had the chance to move anything from it's place unless he had asked for it. He is no more there to stop anybody.
We have no authority above us now - the authority which we all loved; which I had felt and lived with for more than 20 years. The last day of the Islamic calender took him away from us. I still have a feeling that he is there, somewhere, in the house, with us, yet silent. He hasn't left. I need time to believe that.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Google, Computer Graphics and My Lunch Box
Flowing Emotions has been reviewed again by a kind visitor through blogsrater.com. http://www.blogsrater.com/review.php?id=806
I found a few interesting things on the blogs of the person who gave the review ...
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends"
Martin Luther King Jr.
"The proverbs, like the oaks, don’t cry, but compel. The ages whisper: “Whom we love best, to them we can say least” Thus the nature study makes clear why we are the eternal debtors of the ones we love the most."
By the blogger himself.
"If I know what love is, it is because of you."
-- Hermann Hesse (1877-1962), Poet
http://trustlight.blogspot.com
http://captains-bridge.blogspot.com
http://www2.blogger.com/profile/16226497003658176393
Yesterday evening I had a long talk with my father on religions and gods other religions follow. We discussed how Jesus (pbuh) never told that he is the son of God and never in the Bible is it written that there is anything like trinity. Then when we came to Hinduism, the misnomer of Vedantism, we pondered on how they have started worshiping humans and have called them as god. In fact I felt that these people do not know the meaning of the word 'God'.
There are some personalities who are being worshiped by Hindus and are termed as god. According to them these personalities could perform miracles and they were/are wise. My father said that the common goes for what he finds superior to him and starts doing what he is not supposed. I immediately asked my father who this common man is. He said he is the one who cannot think. My father is right - those who can't think remain common because they like being called common. That is their yardstick!
Today I woke up at 7:45 am. I had to do so many things that I realized I won't be able to make it to the college even by 9:30 am. So, I decided that I would be slow and reach the college well before the start of the second class - 10:50 am. I reached the college that 10:20 am. I was happy. Then as the time neared to 10:50 and then 11 am, I realized that the already there in the class was going to continue the class till 12:30 pm.
I could complain about myself but I went to the football ground, sat in a corner on the stairs and continued reading 'Magnet People'. At 12 pm I went to the library and read news paper till 12:25 pm. Later I had to tell all this to so many of my friends who asked me why I came to the college when there were no classes in the afternoon. I liked telling them. :D
After the prayers I left the college and reached home a little after 3 pm. I slept and woke up after 7:15 pm. I still don't feel nice that I slept for so long. I should have woken up early. When I get sleep and don't get the right motivation, it becomes really tough to get up. In the mornings is it easy for em to get up because it's fajar and also that I get to chat with any of my cousins online at that time. 2 reasons - I know it should just be the 1st one. InshAllah it will be, very soon.
Yesterday I spent sometime in searching the internet on what it has to tell about Muharram and the 10th of Muharram. Here is a short summary of what all interesting I found:
The month of Muharram is associated with many auspicious events in Islamic history. Allah is supposed to have created the heavens and the earth on this blessed day. On this day He gave His infinite blessings and bounties to many of His Prophets and delivered them from the clutches of their enemies. Allah created Hazrat Adam (pbuh) in this month and pardoned him of his mistake. Hazrat Noah's Ark landed successfully on Mount Judi during this time centuries ago. God is also said to have saved Hazrat Ibrahim from fire and rescued Hazrat Musa from the Pharaoh during the month of Muharram. The Sunni Muslims also fast during Muharram and on the tenth day as recommended by the Prophet Muhammad during his lifetime. (Source: Wikipedia and some websites found through Google search.)
Yesterday we had no class in the afternoon. We just had a lab (Computer Networks for my batch) in the morning. But at 3 pm I had to attend a seminar on Search Engines which was delivered by Mr. Hamza Hydri. He is a Ph.D, works in Italy, and does research on search engines and related technologies. He has been a part of many research papers and knows a great deal on many new technologies currently being developed for the world wide web. Most importantly, he was a student of my college and he graduated in 2002.
I found the seminar very interesting. There were many things I had read on google from some pages of google itself. But they were broken. I had a some knowhow of how google works, the personalized search engines and its servers that constantly scan the web for new pages and also the page ranking system. The seminar gave me an organized form of knowledge. While the talk was being given, at many times, I felt that I already know a few things. The seminar made the information complete. I enjoyed the 90 minutes I spent in the Seminar hall of my college yesterday.
Today around 12:45 pm in the college I took my lunch box out and started eating. I had 7 of my friends around me. I shared my box with 2 of them. All the time while I was eating I was in a dilemma if I should ask others if they would like to taste or if I should keep quiet. I thought it would be bad for me to offer my lunch box because there was only one spoon available and 3 people were already using it. But I also thought that food can be eaten even by using hands. I was confused. I did nothing except finishing the box and putting it inside my bag. I hope I decide something on this soon.
I am sure at least one of them have thought how possessive I am about my lunch box. The reason is different. Some times I don't ask anybody if they would like to share my box thinking that if that person doesn't want to have it, he would still do it thinking that I may feel bad if he refuses. I don't know what to do!
I found a few interesting things on the blogs of the person who gave the review ...
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends"
Martin Luther King Jr.
"The proverbs, like the oaks, don’t cry, but compel. The ages whisper: “Whom we love best, to them we can say least” Thus the nature study makes clear why we are the eternal debtors of the ones we love the most."
By the blogger himself.
"If I know what love is, it is because of you."
-- Hermann Hesse (1877-1962), Poet
http://trustlight.blogspot.com
http://captains-bridge.blogspot.com
http://www2.blogger.com/profile/16226497003658176393
Yesterday evening I had a long talk with my father on religions and gods other religions follow. We discussed how Jesus (pbuh) never told that he is the son of God and never in the Bible is it written that there is anything like trinity. Then when we came to Hinduism, the misnomer of Vedantism, we pondered on how they have started worshiping humans and have called them as god. In fact I felt that these people do not know the meaning of the word 'God'.
There are some personalities who are being worshiped by Hindus and are termed as god. According to them these personalities could perform miracles and they were/are wise. My father said that the common goes for what he finds superior to him and starts doing what he is not supposed. I immediately asked my father who this common man is. He said he is the one who cannot think. My father is right - those who can't think remain common because they like being called common. That is their yardstick!
Today I woke up at 7:45 am. I had to do so many things that I realized I won't be able to make it to the college even by 9:30 am. So, I decided that I would be slow and reach the college well before the start of the second class - 10:50 am. I reached the college that 10:20 am. I was happy. Then as the time neared to 10:50 and then 11 am, I realized that the already there in the class was going to continue the class till 12:30 pm.
I could complain about myself but I went to the football ground, sat in a corner on the stairs and continued reading 'Magnet People'. At 12 pm I went to the library and read news paper till 12:25 pm. Later I had to tell all this to so many of my friends who asked me why I came to the college when there were no classes in the afternoon. I liked telling them. :D
After the prayers I left the college and reached home a little after 3 pm. I slept and woke up after 7:15 pm. I still don't feel nice that I slept for so long. I should have woken up early. When I get sleep and don't get the right motivation, it becomes really tough to get up. In the mornings is it easy for em to get up because it's fajar and also that I get to chat with any of my cousins online at that time. 2 reasons - I know it should just be the 1st one. InshAllah it will be, very soon.
Yesterday I spent sometime in searching the internet on what it has to tell about Muharram and the 10th of Muharram. Here is a short summary of what all interesting I found:
The month of Muharram is associated with many auspicious events in Islamic history. Allah is supposed to have created the heavens and the earth on this blessed day. On this day He gave His infinite blessings and bounties to many of His Prophets and delivered them from the clutches of their enemies. Allah created Hazrat Adam (pbuh) in this month and pardoned him of his mistake. Hazrat Noah's Ark landed successfully on Mount Judi during this time centuries ago. God is also said to have saved Hazrat Ibrahim from fire and rescued Hazrat Musa from the Pharaoh during the month of Muharram. The Sunni Muslims also fast during Muharram and on the tenth day as recommended by the Prophet Muhammad during his lifetime. (Source: Wikipedia and some websites found through Google search.)
Yesterday we had no class in the afternoon. We just had a lab (Computer Networks for my batch) in the morning. But at 3 pm I had to attend a seminar on Search Engines which was delivered by Mr. Hamza Hydri. He is a Ph.D, works in Italy, and does research on search engines and related technologies. He has been a part of many research papers and knows a great deal on many new technologies currently being developed for the world wide web. Most importantly, he was a student of my college and he graduated in 2002.
I found the seminar very interesting. There were many things I had read on google from some pages of google itself. But they were broken. I had a some knowhow of how google works, the personalized search engines and its servers that constantly scan the web for new pages and also the page ranking system. The seminar gave me an organized form of knowledge. While the talk was being given, at many times, I felt that I already know a few things. The seminar made the information complete. I enjoyed the 90 minutes I spent in the Seminar hall of my college yesterday.
Today around 12:45 pm in the college I took my lunch box out and started eating. I had 7 of my friends around me. I shared my box with 2 of them. All the time while I was eating I was in a dilemma if I should ask others if they would like to taste or if I should keep quiet. I thought it would be bad for me to offer my lunch box because there was only one spoon available and 3 people were already using it. But I also thought that food can be eaten even by using hands. I was confused. I did nothing except finishing the box and putting it inside my bag. I hope I decide something on this soon.
I am sure at least one of them have thought how possessive I am about my lunch box. The reason is different. Some times I don't ask anybody if they would like to share my box thinking that if that person doesn't want to have it, he would still do it thinking that I may feel bad if he refuses. I don't know what to do!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Is there a hole in my character?
Yesterday when I came out of the class at 12:30 pm for the lunch recess, I didn't know that I was not going to attend the Computer Graphics lab that was going to start at 1:20 pm. After having having my lunch one of my friend's told me that he was not feeling like attending it. Even I said the same thing. I called a cousin of mine and confirmed with him about meeting in the evening.
Two of my friends were leaving the college at 1:30 pm to watch the movie 'Guru'. Initially, I wasn't interested. But I thought it would be just fine if I take along with them, and at 2:15 pm were at a theatre, Venkanramana. We got the tickets with ease and the movie went on upto 5:15 pm.
The movie was worth watching. I somehow felt that the story was similar to that of 'The Fountainhead'. The role played by Abhishek Bachan was pretty close to a role that can be created by bringing together the two major characters of the novel - Howard Roark and Gail Waynand. Aishwariya Rai too was close Dominique Frankon in the way in which she supports 'Guru' all through his fight as a businessman. I didn't like th songs in the movie.
After the movie my friends dropped me at Koti and I went to see m cousin at Masab Tank. I didn't go till his house - called him out. He was ready waiting for me and in a few minutes we were at City Center. There at a shop named Max we spent around 20 minutes. I had to buy some gifts - for my father and 2 of my friends. I bought a flower vase for my father. It was his birthday on 12th of January.
We had a burger at McDonald's after that. We decided not to drink anything there and bought some cool drink bottle on our way to Panjagutta. We went to Archie's Gallery. I was searching for something I saw at Max. I thought Archie's would be having some more variety on that. But no success. There I decided that I would be going to Max again and buy what I have seen. I had seen this particular thing long way in the December and it was then itself that I had decided to gift it to a friend.
Our next stop was Cafe Coffee Day at Jubilee Hills. We stayed there for almost an hour. We had an apple flavored 'hukka' and Cafe Frappe! It was good to be there even though there was something not completely fine with the 'hukka'. But we enjoyed it. Then we came back again to City Center - Max, and I bought the gift. I was at home around 9:15 pm. My parents greeted me with their smiles and were glad to see me home 15 minutes before the time I had told them I would be coming - 9:30 pm.
After coming home I had chats with a few friends and cousins. By the time I went to sleep it was already 12:15 am. I wanted to sleep early - I was too tired. Today I woke up at 6 am. When I turned on the computer at 6: 20 am I found my sister online, finally. We had a short chat and now, I am here writing this post.
The 'hukka' was fine. This was my third meeting with this gentleman. And like the last 2 times, I had a little tough time with it for the first 20 to 30 minutes. The first few intakes hit my throat and head. I immediately started feeling giddy. I thought I would perhaps fall. I was also thinking how I would reach my home. Along with that I was having coffee. But slowly my lungs and blood got used to the smoke and I was enjoying the flavor and feeling of letting out this smoke from my mouth and nostrils. The first few minutes are always testing I thought!
Lately I have been thinking if my actions and behavior match with the character I have and intend to possess. If someday my parents have to introduce me to anybody, they would say "meet my son Zubair. He is doing his engineering from Muffakham Jah. He is in CSE and in the last semester he has scored 68% marks. His aggregate is around 72%. He has many friends and he roams around with them a lot. He frequents a lot to Sarvi, Ohri's, Coffee Day, Pizza Hut, KFC, McDonalds, HC, City Center and the similar kind of places. He smokes 'hukka' too. And he watches a lot of movies."
It would be a different thing that many of the places they refer are the ones I visit once only in months, the hukka I had was just the third time and I don't usually watch more than one movie per month. I have seen them already do this a few times but it was never in a sarcastic way or in a way in which it could insult me or at least present me as a person who is a freak. But I know that someday it can cost me several thing. I don't know what exactly I am but a good part of what my parents would be true.
Then to make things more serious I opened a new chapter in the book of my engineering yesterday. It was a class of Design and Analysis of Algorithms going on. An aged professor teaches us this subject and he hardly cares to who is listening. I was feeling sleepy so I moved back tot he second bench. I highlight the words 'second bench'. I listened to the class for sometime until I got excited to see people around me listening to music on their cell phones. Of course they had the ear phones.
I thought of giving it a try. Beside me was my friend who was listening to some music too. I took the right side ear phone from him and put it to my ears. I listened to 2 songs - none of them fully - a song form the movie 'Taal' and 'It's My life' by DJ Alban. It was just a matter of 10 minutes that I was sure everybody knew I was doing this. Later I came to know it made a good difference.
Now I wonder where I am going. I have been doing things I never thought I would ever do. I go to so many places, I listen to music in the class, I spend so much time with my friends ... the list goes on. This is not what I thought would be until a couple of years back. I have no regrets to anything I am doing except for the last thing I did - listened to music when the class was on.
I have perhaps flawed my character so many times by now. I have put in action things that contradict the behavior and the mind set I have - may be. I am not even sure if I can understand what is happening. Not is troubling me. I just don't want to loose anything I have build all these years in my heart and mind. I want to have a clean character and show it with my actions. If my actions show something else, the I am a hypocrite. It's a sin to be so.
I don't want to be like those who say somethings, do something else and believe in a completely new ideas. I want to be one. I intend to be so. I don't want anybody to say that my talk is 'big' or I am a fool thinking this way. May these things don't come to everybody's minds or may be they o. It makes a difference to me here. I don't want to have a loose character with holes in it. I don't know how others take these kind of things about themselves. Somewhere my integrity is being compromised.
Two of my friends were leaving the college at 1:30 pm to watch the movie 'Guru'. Initially, I wasn't interested. But I thought it would be just fine if I take along with them, and at 2:15 pm were at a theatre, Venkanramana. We got the tickets with ease and the movie went on upto 5:15 pm.
The movie was worth watching. I somehow felt that the story was similar to that of 'The Fountainhead'. The role played by Abhishek Bachan was pretty close to a role that can be created by bringing together the two major characters of the novel - Howard Roark and Gail Waynand. Aishwariya Rai too was close Dominique Frankon in the way in which she supports 'Guru' all through his fight as a businessman. I didn't like th songs in the movie.
After the movie my friends dropped me at Koti and I went to see m cousin at Masab Tank. I didn't go till his house - called him out. He was ready waiting for me and in a few minutes we were at City Center. There at a shop named Max we spent around 20 minutes. I had to buy some gifts - for my father and 2 of my friends. I bought a flower vase for my father. It was his birthday on 12th of January.
We had a burger at McDonald's after that. We decided not to drink anything there and bought some cool drink bottle on our way to Panjagutta. We went to Archie's Gallery. I was searching for something I saw at Max. I thought Archie's would be having some more variety on that. But no success. There I decided that I would be going to Max again and buy what I have seen. I had seen this particular thing long way in the December and it was then itself that I had decided to gift it to a friend.
Our next stop was Cafe Coffee Day at Jubilee Hills. We stayed there for almost an hour. We had an apple flavored 'hukka' and Cafe Frappe! It was good to be there even though there was something not completely fine with the 'hukka'. But we enjoyed it. Then we came back again to City Center - Max, and I bought the gift. I was at home around 9:15 pm. My parents greeted me with their smiles and were glad to see me home 15 minutes before the time I had told them I would be coming - 9:30 pm.
After coming home I had chats with a few friends and cousins. By the time I went to sleep it was already 12:15 am. I wanted to sleep early - I was too tired. Today I woke up at 6 am. When I turned on the computer at 6: 20 am I found my sister online, finally. We had a short chat and now, I am here writing this post.
The 'hukka' was fine. This was my third meeting with this gentleman. And like the last 2 times, I had a little tough time with it for the first 20 to 30 minutes. The first few intakes hit my throat and head. I immediately started feeling giddy. I thought I would perhaps fall. I was also thinking how I would reach my home. Along with that I was having coffee. But slowly my lungs and blood got used to the smoke and I was enjoying the flavor and feeling of letting out this smoke from my mouth and nostrils. The first few minutes are always testing I thought!
Lately I have been thinking if my actions and behavior match with the character I have and intend to possess. If someday my parents have to introduce me to anybody, they would say "meet my son Zubair. He is doing his engineering from Muffakham Jah. He is in CSE and in the last semester he has scored 68% marks. His aggregate is around 72%. He has many friends and he roams around with them a lot. He frequents a lot to Sarvi, Ohri's, Coffee Day, Pizza Hut, KFC, McDonalds, HC, City Center and the similar kind of places. He smokes 'hukka' too. And he watches a lot of movies."
It would be a different thing that many of the places they refer are the ones I visit once only in months, the hukka I had was just the third time and I don't usually watch more than one movie per month. I have seen them already do this a few times but it was never in a sarcastic way or in a way in which it could insult me or at least present me as a person who is a freak. But I know that someday it can cost me several thing. I don't know what exactly I am but a good part of what my parents would be true.
Then to make things more serious I opened a new chapter in the book of my engineering yesterday. It was a class of Design and Analysis of Algorithms going on. An aged professor teaches us this subject and he hardly cares to who is listening. I was feeling sleepy so I moved back tot he second bench. I highlight the words 'second bench'. I listened to the class for sometime until I got excited to see people around me listening to music on their cell phones. Of course they had the ear phones.
I thought of giving it a try. Beside me was my friend who was listening to some music too. I took the right side ear phone from him and put it to my ears. I listened to 2 songs - none of them fully - a song form the movie 'Taal' and 'It's My life' by DJ Alban. It was just a matter of 10 minutes that I was sure everybody knew I was doing this. Later I came to know it made a good difference.
Now I wonder where I am going. I have been doing things I never thought I would ever do. I go to so many places, I listen to music in the class, I spend so much time with my friends ... the list goes on. This is not what I thought would be until a couple of years back. I have no regrets to anything I am doing except for the last thing I did - listened to music when the class was on.
I have perhaps flawed my character so many times by now. I have put in action things that contradict the behavior and the mind set I have - may be. I am not even sure if I can understand what is happening. Not is troubling me. I just don't want to loose anything I have build all these years in my heart and mind. I want to have a clean character and show it with my actions. If my actions show something else, the I am a hypocrite. It's a sin to be so.
I don't want to be like those who say somethings, do something else and believe in a completely new ideas. I want to be one. I intend to be so. I don't want anybody to say that my talk is 'big' or I am a fool thinking this way. May these things don't come to everybody's minds or may be they o. It makes a difference to me here. I don't want to have a loose character with holes in it. I don't know how others take these kind of things about themselves. Somewhere my integrity is being compromised.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Tuesday
Yesterday I was busy writing the post for Flowing Emotions. Though I started writing it after 11 pm, I didn't even consider updating this blog before that. Earlier I had been to my aunt's house and accompanied her to Abid's to shopping. She is leaving for Mecca on 26th of this month and will be back only in 2008. I hope not to be in Hyderabad when she comes here! InshAllah I won't be here because I will be in some other city doing MBA.
The college yesterday was till 12:30 pm. One of the lecturers didn't turn up to the college so we were left early. I even had to write an assignment in the college itself I knew nothing of which. The subject lecturer asked for it in the class itself and I said I would be giving it in the lunch break. Thanks to one of my friends who drew the diagram for me. I did the writing work.
Just a few minutes before I was about to start writing, a friend came up to me telling that he had a shocking news for me. I casually turned to another friend sitting beside me and told him that no news can be shocking to me unless ... I didn't finish the sentence but he understood what I was going to say. I was taken in a corner to be told about the 'shocking news'.
It was shocking. I couldn't believe it. It was like hell to me for the next 20 minutes. I was not able to write properly. But I was smiling all though. For once I thought everything was going to change forever. I was afraid of what would possibly come next. In those 20 minutes I thought about my next 20 years and what I would be doing in the next 2 hours. In some way I was happy too believing that finally something has arrived that would in some way put an end to many things.
Then may be this friend of mine saw something on my face which made him tell me the truth. He promised to me that he wasn't kidding now. I was relaxed. It was such a relief. The last 20 minutes had taken away my breath. I couldn't talk to him after that as he had some class to attend and he left. I left for my aunt's house.
On my way I had chicken biryaani and tea at a hotel in Mehdipatnam along with my friend. I just told him that I never had tea with a friend at a hotel before and we did it. But it wasn't like having tea in a Irani hotel. We took to the dining section.
The college yesterday was till 12:30 pm. One of the lecturers didn't turn up to the college so we were left early. I even had to write an assignment in the college itself I knew nothing of which. The subject lecturer asked for it in the class itself and I said I would be giving it in the lunch break. Thanks to one of my friends who drew the diagram for me. I did the writing work.
Just a few minutes before I was about to start writing, a friend came up to me telling that he had a shocking news for me. I casually turned to another friend sitting beside me and told him that no news can be shocking to me unless ... I didn't finish the sentence but he understood what I was going to say. I was taken in a corner to be told about the 'shocking news'.
It was shocking. I couldn't believe it. It was like hell to me for the next 20 minutes. I was not able to write properly. But I was smiling all though. For once I thought everything was going to change forever. I was afraid of what would possibly come next. In those 20 minutes I thought about my next 20 years and what I would be doing in the next 2 hours. In some way I was happy too believing that finally something has arrived that would in some way put an end to many things.
Then may be this friend of mine saw something on my face which made him tell me the truth. He promised to me that he wasn't kidding now. I was relaxed. It was such a relief. The last 20 minutes had taken away my breath. I couldn't talk to him after that as he had some class to attend and he left. I left for my aunt's house.
On my way I had chicken biryaani and tea at a hotel in Mehdipatnam along with my friend. I just told him that I never had tea with a friend at a hotel before and we did it. But it wasn't like having tea in a Irani hotel. We took to the dining section.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Magnet People
Almost an hour back I asked somebody to pray. I said this after hearing several things I didn't liked and also after being asked to do something which I thought was not ethical and correct. I had to hear even more after I asked the person to pray. I kept myself silent all the time and listened to everything. I didn't listen actually - I heard. It was partial. In the end I said that it would have been much good and valuable if this time spent in telling me all this was invested in prayers.
All the while I was trying to read a book. Yesterday I treated myself with the final few pages of 'The Alchemist'. It had a wonderful finish. I expected the end to be something unexpected! And today I started with 'Magnet People' by Roger Fritz. I took it from my uncle a fortnight back. The book comes inside the bracket of self-help books but this one particularly deals with people who work and live in a business environment.
I don't like reading any book that points directly to the idea of personality development. I find these type of books as more naive written to make money. These books have things people like to read. The kind of books I like are have a sharper focus on aspects that clearly deal with generic topics. I read one 'The Dream is Everything' by Peter Cox. It was about fulfilling of dreams. I read 'Strategies of Success' by John C Maxwell. It was about how success can be achieved - of course by hardwork - and some extra things that are to be kept in mind. I read 'Magic of Thinking Big' by David J Schwartz and 'How to Become a Person of Influence' by Jim Dornan and John C Maxwell. The names of the books say everything.
None of the above are for personality development. But I also read 'I Can Win' by Shiv Khera. I agree it was a bit closer to the above class. But still it was different. If I look at my right to the shelf that shelves a book named 'Personality Development' by Rajiv K Mishra, I would tell myself I shouldn't come down to the level of reading a book like that. Also that Indian authors turn me off!
Yesterday I wanted to go to a cousin's house. I thought of going out for some shopping with him. But it time time didn't help me. I had to choose between parents and this. I was with my parents. As my mother had to go to her office, along with my father and brother I went to pick her up from there. Then we had a lunch at Sidhartha Hotel which is just next to her office. (i still wonder why so little number of people who that hotel. It has bee into existence for more than 20 years now I am sure.)
I thought we would be having something heavy and non-vegetarian there. But when my mother asked my father what he was interested in eating, he said 'Poori'! Instead of going to the chinese section, we entered the coffee shop. The waiter told us that there was no north Indian food available at that time of the day. I had a 'plain paper dosa' and followed it with a cup of coffee.
When we started from the restaurant, my brother asked "what next". My father replied "home". We went to the Industrial Exhibition. My mother already told that we won't be buying anything and will stay there not for a very long time. We ate quite a few things but I bought a coffee mug for myself. I didn't buy it; my parents paid the bill. My mother was more interested in the refrigerators and televisions. We have been looking at the same old pieces at home for the last 10 years!
We reached home at 8 pm. I was tired and did nothing much after that. But I finished the book I was reading and spent a lot of time on the internet. I slept at 2 am. And woke up at 11 am int he morning. In fact I woke up a lot earlier than that and just lay myself on the bed for a long time - thinking and contemplating.
I thought of doing the regular chores early and leaving for my cousin's place by 12 noon. I came to know that my aunt and uncle were coming (parents of my cousin who got married a few weeks back). They are still in Hyderabad and should be here till the end of this week before leaving to Gulbarga. Then by the end of this week my uncle will return to his job in Sakaaka, Saudi Arabia.
I saw the photo album of the photographs taken at the wedding function of my cousin sister. I was glad to see myself at so many places there with so many people. The I also copied the marriage videos onto my computer. I couldn't get the CD in which the photographs of the album (hard-copy) were written. My uncle said he will give it to me when we meet next. He saw all the pics I took during the ceremonies and took a copy of them with him. I also showed him the 'Ya Ali' video which my cousins had prepared in August. It was pleasing to my eyes to see that the video had been view more than 2500 times on Google Videos.
Since the start of evening I have been trying to think of some good topic to write on fr Flowing Emotions. I don't know if I will actually write before sleeping, but I have found the idea and also the content. I have to give it a form - in words!
All the while I was trying to read a book. Yesterday I treated myself with the final few pages of 'The Alchemist'. It had a wonderful finish. I expected the end to be something unexpected! And today I started with 'Magnet People' by Roger Fritz. I took it from my uncle a fortnight back. The book comes inside the bracket of self-help books but this one particularly deals with people who work and live in a business environment.
I don't like reading any book that points directly to the idea of personality development. I find these type of books as more naive written to make money. These books have things people like to read. The kind of books I like are have a sharper focus on aspects that clearly deal with generic topics. I read one 'The Dream is Everything' by Peter Cox. It was about fulfilling of dreams. I read 'Strategies of Success' by John C Maxwell. It was about how success can be achieved - of course by hardwork - and some extra things that are to be kept in mind. I read 'Magic of Thinking Big' by David J Schwartz and 'How to Become a Person of Influence' by Jim Dornan and John C Maxwell. The names of the books say everything.
None of the above are for personality development. But I also read 'I Can Win' by Shiv Khera. I agree it was a bit closer to the above class. But still it was different. If I look at my right to the shelf that shelves a book named 'Personality Development' by Rajiv K Mishra, I would tell myself I shouldn't come down to the level of reading a book like that. Also that Indian authors turn me off!
Yesterday I wanted to go to a cousin's house. I thought of going out for some shopping with him. But it time time didn't help me. I had to choose between parents and this. I was with my parents. As my mother had to go to her office, along with my father and brother I went to pick her up from there. Then we had a lunch at Sidhartha Hotel which is just next to her office. (i still wonder why so little number of people who that hotel. It has bee into existence for more than 20 years now I am sure.)
I thought we would be having something heavy and non-vegetarian there. But when my mother asked my father what he was interested in eating, he said 'Poori'! Instead of going to the chinese section, we entered the coffee shop. The waiter told us that there was no north Indian food available at that time of the day. I had a 'plain paper dosa' and followed it with a cup of coffee.
When we started from the restaurant, my brother asked "what next". My father replied "home". We went to the Industrial Exhibition. My mother already told that we won't be buying anything and will stay there not for a very long time. We ate quite a few things but I bought a coffee mug for myself. I didn't buy it; my parents paid the bill. My mother was more interested in the refrigerators and televisions. We have been looking at the same old pieces at home for the last 10 years!
We reached home at 8 pm. I was tired and did nothing much after that. But I finished the book I was reading and spent a lot of time on the internet. I slept at 2 am. And woke up at 11 am int he morning. In fact I woke up a lot earlier than that and just lay myself on the bed for a long time - thinking and contemplating.
I thought of doing the regular chores early and leaving for my cousin's place by 12 noon. I came to know that my aunt and uncle were coming (parents of my cousin who got married a few weeks back). They are still in Hyderabad and should be here till the end of this week before leaving to Gulbarga. Then by the end of this week my uncle will return to his job in Sakaaka, Saudi Arabia.
I saw the photo album of the photographs taken at the wedding function of my cousin sister. I was glad to see myself at so many places there with so many people. The I also copied the marriage videos onto my computer. I couldn't get the CD in which the photographs of the album (hard-copy) were written. My uncle said he will give it to me when we meet next. He saw all the pics I took during the ceremonies and took a copy of them with him. I also showed him the 'Ya Ali' video which my cousins had prepared in August. It was pleasing to my eyes to see that the video had been view more than 2500 times on Google Videos.
Since the start of evening I have been trying to think of some good topic to write on fr Flowing Emotions. I don't know if I will actually write before sleeping, but I have found the idea and also the content. I have to give it a form - in words!
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