Down

Yesterday I couldn't write anything - had fever and a lot of cold. In the morning I used 3 hand kerchiefs - my nose was flowing; all 3 got wet. I had a lab internal today and I did it terribly bad - no regrets for that - I couldn't study anything; just gave some reading and spent 30 minutes with the book.

I have another lab internal tomorrow and I have no idea if I am going to study for it. I am not able to sit at one place for long - feel like lying down.

I don't want to be envied, I wan't to be loved

Just wokeup at 4:30 am today, had the early breakfast - sehri, and switched on the computer. I thought of just checking a few things, updating the blog, then perform my prayers and sleep. But I saw something that got me really angry. I really don't know when it was the last time that I got angry this way. I performed my prayers and since then I am trying to think if there is something that would set things right.

There is (was) a guy in orkut who was in my friends' list. He is supposed to be some friend's friend. Everytime we met, he was good to me and I was good to him. But yesterday he reacted to a scrap written by a friend of mine in my scrap book. I don't want to get into whose mistake it was, but what this #@&%) guy did after that was and continues to be intolerable. He created a fake profile and is trying to hurt my friend.

I wish I knew the right thing to do now. I even feel like going and banging him. But thats not the right way I suppose. I will wait to hear what my other friends have to say. ... damn hell! what a bad person I had as a friend. And what a wrong way to know what he is. I hope to forget all this but I know its going to be here for long.

I have prioritised all people I have with me. At no moment of time will I have any problem in selecting whom to support and whom to fight against. I have done this after a lot of thinking and even if in some way I am wrong, I am not going to mind. I am ready to face all consequences. And again I take all responsibility of everything that happens within me and around me.

Hardly a day passes by when I don't ask Allah to make me a good person. I beg Him for goodness in me. I ask Him to make me a person who would never do anything wrong, never hurt anybody, never say anything bad ... a person who is liked and loved by eveybody. I really don't care if I am the richest or poorest of all the people in this world, but if I am not good, I know I am the wrost and i can never forgive myself.

I will become a good person not by just avoiding bad things. I need to do good things to become good. And I ask Allah that He helps me, and makes me, do good things.

I don't want to be envied, I wan't to be loved. I don't want to envy anybody, I want to love everybody. But when anybody does anything wrong, hurts me or any of my friends, I can't tolerate that. I am usually quiet ... usually taken as calm. I don't like telling people thing like 'you have never seen my anger' or 'you don't know who I am and what I can do'. Even I don't know things like these but I know one thing - Allah is with me and with all people who are dear to me. I am forget some personw ho troubles me, my friends my forgive a person who troubles them, but I can't guarantee that Allah will forgive. He is just and He takes into account every deed done by a person.

I simply can't understand how people can even think of hurting or causing trouble to anybody. How can they ever forget that Allah is watching them? I like learning things from everything I see and experience but this time its not affordable. I can't hold my and my friend's respect at stake.

A day wasted

I don't remember doing anything today. Just helped my mother in washing some clothes, brought some snacks from outside, went for shopping in the evening, missed prayers and slept for many hours. That's what I actually did today - sleeping. It was a lousy day; I didn't feel like doing anything. Read Young Muslim Digest for sometime. The articles I read were from Arab News and The Guardian. Nothing much ariginal from the editors fo the magazine.

My father and my brother had to buy some clothes. My father asked me to accompany them and we all 4 took along. Then at the shopeI was asked to buy a shirt for myself and I did. Then we went to the tailor, spent soem time there. He also happens to be my father's friend. He was telling me about his sons who are studying in Australia.

I had a lite dinner and I will sleep a little early today. I plan to study for sometime tomorrow morning. I really don't know if I am going to study or not!

I think even my post for today is the same as my day today - boring!

What does 'being alone' mean?

This is my second post for today - just felt like writing something about today evening. I went to a friend's house after Asar prayers. Other friends joined us and we had the iftaar meal at Pizza Hut. We were 9 people there. I had almost 6 slices of pizza - more than one slice more than what I had on Friday.

We bought some softdrinks outside and went to Jubilee Hills. We were 8 people now on 4 bikes. The ride on the empty streets was too good. Some of my friends were upto some non-sense and they started shouting. After some good riding we reached KBR park. We had the drinks standing in the parking place. Then we took to the walking track. I, along with 3 others kept a distance from the other 4 who were too weired and illmannered to be had as company. Somehow time passed and we were on bikes again.

We reached a friend's house around 9:30 pm. Its pretty close to my house so I was comfortable here. We took many pics here and had lots of useless talk. It was good - got to have a lot of laughing and shouting. But I was me - and I didn't forget that.

I have so many friends and they are so different. Each of them teaches me something. Even if he is not doing something good, I learn from him that I shouldn't be doing that bad thing. Sometimes I appreciate some people's company and sometimes I prefer staying away. It was fine today even though I didn't like a few things. Nobody makes me feel bad; I am respected, never laughed or joked at. So as long as this continues, I am sure I will never have any problem.

But among all the friends I have, my group at the college is best. I am at the best of my comfort lavels with them and I really love their company. . . . . but even this won't last for long. Less than 2 years is all I have. I lose them after that. They will take their own ways and I will take mine. Nobody knows who is going to remember whom - I will never forget anybody. I shall remember every time we all spent together, every nice talk we had, every online chat we had ... everything.

I had a holiday to CL today. I woke up at 11:30 am after sleeping at 7:15 am. I did a lot of small things after that and even got a hair cut. I feel relaxed now. A lot of weight form my head is gone now!

May be I am being too emotional

I had my early morning meal an hour back. Just thought of spending some time on the internet so didn't sleep. Yesterday night I opened the blogger.com website to update the blog but didn't feel like writing anything. I even went to the compose-page but logged out after that!

Yesterday I reached home at 9:00 pm from CL. I missed my taraveeh prayers and even the evening ones. I had my iftaar at a bakery near CL - it was a heavy spring roll. This was for the first time that I sat alone in a place like that and ate something. Everytime I eat something outside I have somebody wit me; if I am alone I get things home and have them. I was alone today. Felt different, but I know things like these are going to happen more frequently now.

Earlier during the day yesterday I bought an inkjet printer. It's from HP. I had an old friend of mine to accompany me. We went on his bike. Then there was another problem with my computer - my optical drive wasn't working and I needed it badly to install the printer drivers. So, I called up my uncle who lives in Saudi Arabia and asked him if I could take one of the 2 ROMs from his computer here. He agreed too happily. I took it home and by the time my computer was ready with the printer it was already 12 midnight. I took some printout just now and I am satisfied with everything.

Now that I have a ROM in my computer, I am thinking of having a format done. It will be one of those recoveries of the data wherein all the registry is reset and my computer will be rolled back to what it was when I purchased it. None of the data will be deleted but all the software I had installed will be removed. So, its going to b a task for me to reinstall everything. But it will be worth that hardwork given that my computer's performance will bettered by a good measure.

Yesterday sitting at the bakery alone I looked out of the huge glass window staring at the busy street below. It was on the first floor of a small building overlooking the Green Lands Guesthouse. I felt real lonely. I was waiting for the rolls to come and was terribly hungry. I felt as if I live alone in the city and there is nobody who knows me here. I was getting into too many deep thoughts when the spring roll arrived. It was quite a lot in quantity but hardly took any time for me to finish it up. I was already getting late for the class. Just reached there before time.

Yesterday morning I got out off bed at 11:30 am. I remember getting up a lot earlier than that but was just lying there - trying to think! When I came out and sat in the living room I felt as if I ws going to waste the whole day. So I called up my friend and asked him if we could go out to shop for the printer. He was too friendly and agreed.

My brother has his last 3 days of Dusserah holidays. Today after the morning prayers he went out to play. He is fasting and he didn't listen to my mother's advice that he should sleep. He plays cricket and football usually. Today he is playing only football - with his Sudani friends he has made. He plays with them every Sunday and they have socialized.

My brotherly is more friendly than me. Quite a few times I have been told by people that I talk less, and that I am cold by nature. I can't help with this - simply. My friend know how much I can talk. They know they can't stop me when I am on. But this doesn't happens always and whenever it happens, it's only with my friends. I find no reason why I should talk to new people unless there is a need. And I always hope that no need arises. Even when there is something I need to know I prefer acquiring things by myself. Probably I am wrong with this; probably I don't know how to make friends - I never made friends by myself; and probably I don't know how to socialize with people and get acquainted. But this is how I am - I wish I can learn things and change myself.

My friend at CL has already made a few friends. I spoke to a guy last week - actually he spoke to me; he was the 3rd one to talk to me. He told me his name and I forgot. Perhaps I didn't take it seriously. Later I asked my friend about him. I hope I don't forget anything. There is one more guy who greets me everytime I am there - I need to know his name too. It is essential for me to be more friendly and loose my cold nature so that I get to meet more people. People in turn are essential to ones success - but right kind of people.

I have also learnt about myself that I take a lot of time to get close to a person even after getting well acquainted with him. I never feel like sharing anything with any person unless I totally trust in him. I fear being laughed at - may be not in front of me but behind my back. I find myself at comfort with a person after a long time of staying together. But over the years I have found many people like these and I have a long list of friends. But I don't find any person who became my friend when I tried to forge a friendship. I never tried that with anybody. I don't know if I will ever do that. I suppose as long as I keep trying to become a good person and behave well with others, I will get friends without any trouble. But this nature of mine tells me about a problem that may arise in future ... may be I am being too emotional!

I had been trying to write something for Flowing Emotions but I am not able to find time at night. I am getting too tired and crashing out earlier than usual. There are 2 topics I had decided long back and they are waiting for my attention and time!

I am so blessed

Today while in taraveeh prayers, I could hear every muscle and bone I stretched and bent telling me about the pain it had. They were complaining that I was being too much of a sadist causing them to strain. I kept praying but hardly concentrated. I wish I am forgiven for that. I had a very tiring day.

I didn't attend the afternoon class. I had to go to each of the 1st year classes of CSE and IT and ask them to send their articles for MJ Communique. I had a completely new experience today. The first confrontation was in the workshop when I called some students at one place and told them the details. I asked them to inform about it to their other class mates. This was simple and easy.

Then I went to a chemistry lab. I was packed with confidence when I entered the lab. The lecturer was explaining something to the students at the board and around 30 students were around her. Then moment I told her that I wanted to make an announcement, she waved her hand and asked me to go ahead. I turned towards the students and went blank. They were all staring at me. All faces - as if I am being judged for something. Some faces were poking if between from other faces. I somehow said a few words to start with. I was literally trembling. I had a friend with me who took some responsibility of the announcement and helped me out. I was relaxed when it was over.

I still wonder what made me so nervous when I was there. After chemistry lab I went to 2 more classes and I was extremely comfortable with the students. One of the 2 classes was in the other chemistry lab and the other in a class room. The class room thing was the best feeling. All students were paying all attention and were listening to me eagerly.

I am sure I learned a lot today. I am also sure that the next time I have to say anything this way, I will be definitely good at it. I have spoken in front of many people before when in school but I didn't know I would fear this at this time. I was so confidant that I would have no problem - I had no problem actually save the chemistry lab!

Yesterday my friends had decided that we would go t Pizza Hut today to have the iftaar meal. We were 11 people there and had a lot of fun. One of my other friend was there too but with cousins on another table. I even met (an 'hi' from far away) a classmate from school. I met my cousin brother too.

The best part of today evening was I sat with my friend who had not been talking to me for the last few days. He (or probably we) was (were) back to normal. I felt so good and glad about this.

After reaching home I lay down for sometime. I sat beside my father. It was such a good feeling again. I wished I could take rest on his hand and relax, the way I used to do until a few years back. I realized I am too old for that now and I may never get a chance for that again. I even wished that I could sleep on my mother's lap ... Even that is not possible now. I have taken myself too far.

I had a terrible pain in my legs - thighs, knees, calf muscle, ankles, toes, palms, the complete feet. I usually give a massage by myself by pressing he muscles. I wanted to do that but had no time to relax. I left for prayers at 8:30 pm. I had already missed Ishaan. I prayed it individually and joined the taraveeh.

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I prepared the notice on behalf of MJ Communique today and most probably tomorrow it will be on all the notice boards of CSE, IT and MCA. I hope we get a good response from the students. I have begun to like what I am doing :)

Yesterday I forgot to update the blog. I was awake till 12:15 am but it didn't strike me that I should be writing. I realized only after switching off the computer.

Today morning I reached college late by 30 minutes. I was afraid that sir wouldn't allow me into the lab but he did. I guess he saw that I was heavily sweating! I felt bad that I was late ... Probably it was something against my self-respect -- entering the class so late. Somehow I am fine. But all the while in the lab I wasn't feeling good - not because I was late - for something else. Simply. I had a 'low' time for 2 hours. I didn't do much in the lab except for what I had remembered sir teaching on Tuesday. Later when I met my friends, I felt better. Great actually. No doubt how much I need them.

I received my study material from CL through post yesterday. Things are piling up and I need to get working with them. I feel I would be fine with English and data interpretation; quantitative analysis would be the area I need to work hard.