My Dream - again!

Today, while standing at the bus stop, I told my friend that I have a good topic to write on today. He said he was about to tell me the same.

It was around 1:30 pm at that time and earlier I the day we had been to Durgam Cheruvu, Hi-Tech city and a bakery. We had a great time together along with another friend. We sat for a long time on a wall overlooking the lake and we spoke on topics like dreams and future and blah blah. It was important actually. Then I finally told them both about a final dream I have. It took me 2 years to tell them what exactly I want. There are 2 things I want and both of them have been termed as foolish by my parents. When I told about the first thing to my father, he said only mad people do it – I want my father to call me mad for that reason one day. My mother called those people who do the second thing as fools – I want my mother to call me a fool one day.

But these are not my dreams. I want these two things. There may be something more even beyond this but at the present moment I put the 2 as a desire. My dream takes me to an end. When I am going to die, if I am conscious just before dying, and if I have not achieved those 2 things, then I will pity myself, curse myself, regret not being a successful person, feel sorry for myself, hate myself and call myself a looser. I will die unhappily if I don’t achieve these 2 things. My dream is that I die happily.

At Hi-tech city I had a closer look at the new materials that are now being used for construction in Hyderabad. Steel, concrete and glass have always excited me but after I read ‘The Fountainhead’, the excitement turned bigger. I was of no much concern for who works in those buildings there, I was more interested in when I will be getting … no I should not complete this.

I didn’t mention that today I had a holiday and I went to the college though I knew nobody was going to come. I just had 2 of my friends with me. I somehow sneaked into the college to have a look at the place with nobody around. It was the same – I didn’t expect it to be different!!! No big deal.

HUNDRED

In the evening I had been to a local exhibition named as a trade fare. It was very small and only the rides were interesting. My cousin was with us and we had a good time. I bugged him a lot. Later after comin home he sat with me watching everything I was doing on the internet. Earlier he even created a blog for himself. http://hamzza.blogspot.com

This post on my blog is the 100th. Frankly speaking I feel nothing with it. It is just another post on a yet another day. Yesterday I had forgotten to do it else that itself would have been the 100th one.

I had planned to write a poem today but really didn't get the right kind of inspiration. I plan to take stanzas from various song I have listned to and put it as a single one that touches me. Something like a compilation of all the nice lines I have heard in a poetic form. I hope it works nice. I even have to complete writing a few posts i had decided previously.

Nothing bad and wrong though!

Today I let out the letter to another friend of mine. I am still trying to understand if I should hav really written all that. It was not rubbish. Even the previous one wasn't. This letter will be private - no one will read it without my knowledge!

Except for a harsh and loud shout by our DBMS lecturer, I don't remember anything remarkable for today. He shouted and asked us all to leave the class immidiately as the person wo had given someone's proxy attendence come up with his confession. No comments on this. He was staring towards me when he shouted.

Today we were told about some internship opportunity for us by our head. This thing simply gave me some tension - I will feel guilty if I don't give it my 100%, and if I try for something and if I loose, it will hurt me. I didn't want to tell about this to my parents, but I did - I just can't hide from them; have already done so much till now :D nothing bad and wrong though!

Yesterday night I came back home at 12 midnight after attending my cousin's 3rd b'day. It was ata restaurant and I met almost all of my paternal relatives who reside in India. I don't get to meet everybody at other functions b'cos it requires me to go into the ladies' (I hope this is the right spelling in the context), which I don't like! Yesterday we had common dining. Had a good time there aftet having talks on several thing with people I meet once in a while and hardly get a chance to interact - I sat with my cousin sister's husband, he was cool!

Alertness

Today I have to attend my cousin's b'day at a restaurant and this is the 2nd function I will be attending this week. The previous one was on Monday which was my cousin sister's engagement kind of thing. It was around 23 kilometers from my house and by the time I was back home it was 1:20 am. It was actually a bit early that I had expected! We didn't stay till the end of the function there.

Tuesday at teh college we were made to attend a lecture by an old student of our college who spoke about an MS in US. He also made us au fait with some concepts of network security. It was interesting.

Today we had to attend a seminar on Cyber Safetly. It was ok being there.

Today I also found that I am loosing some alertness in me. I have been observing this since long and today when I saw something, a box, fully decorated with packing-paper kept a little far from my house's door upsatairs, I didn't feel anything to go and find out what it was. I just saw it and closed the door. It was father who later who asked me to check if there was something on the stairs. It was a box of sweets left by my cousin today when he visited our house when we were not there. I need to stop myself from being preoccupied.

I missed out a few things I had wanted to write in the last 2-3 days. The reason being the inaccessibility of blogs in India. I didn't know that there was still a possibility to access them though they have been blocked.

#%&^@#

My cousin brother who lives in London came here to meet us today. He is here after a gap of almost 3 years and it was such a nice feeling to see him again. He will be leaving in the 1st week of August. We all are insisting that he gets married soon and I do not know what exactly he is going to decide. Everybody seems to be in a casual mood and he said he will get married along with me 'in the same "mandap"'. This is exactly how he said. He will go back to London and will start a business of his own - a college. I wish him good luck. He has alwyas been a close cousin to me and he was the first person who took me to an English movie in a theatre. It was 'Silence of the Lambs'. It was remade in Hindi as "Sangharsh".

Since yesterday afternoon all the blogspot domains have been blocked by all Indian ISPs on the orders of the Indian Governament. #%&^@# I do not understand how they can be so naive and unclear of what they are doing. I have more than 200 posts spread over all my blogsand they have been blocked from public viewing - very bad. But even this didn't seem to perturb me except for the '#%&^@#' I have used :D .

I had better days at the college. I even buncked 2 classes today. Actually went late in the morning - I woke up late. Then in the evening I simply didn't feel like attending the class.

Today I finally finished writing a letter I was playing with for so long. It was a lengthy musing and I do not know how I am going to share this thing with. I even have no idea about who all is going to read it. But all my close friends will definitely do. One of the, I suppose, has read it by now.

'Senti-less-mental-more'!

Yesterday I didn't write anything much so I thought of updating early today.

Friday night I slept late - 2 am in the morning. I went to bed at this time and I have no idea when exactly I got sleep. I woke up at 8:15 am and left for college with a friend. There at the college I had to do some paper work for the re-evaluation forms' submission and we reached Osmania University around 1:30 pm. We had to wait in a long queue and it took a couple of hours before we could submit the forms of 11 people we had brought with us.

We even had to submit a form with no college stamp on it. No comments from my side on that!

Then we went to a friend's house who lives near by. After spending some time there I asked a friend to drop me at Koti from where I took a bus for my grandparents' house. I did something silly here. Yesterday in the morning I had taken my new bus pass and I had forgotten about that - I bought a ticket when I boarded the bus!

I slept at 3:15 am in the morning and woke up finally at 12 noon. Then I had a heavy breakfast just before switching on the computer.

I am feeling terrible since yeaterday night. I am trying to keep myself peaceful and reminding myself of the option of always being happy but this time around it is not working. Everything seems to hurt me - the news in the news paper, the sound of somebody knocking at the door, the telephone bell ringing, my clothes I had to arrange, some files on my computer, ... they all seem distorted but they do remind me of some thing else.

I do not understand why I can't make myself believe in anyting to its finality. I am ridiculous in every thought I ponder upon and I need to change. I need to understand that matrity also means not having any mood swings and always being consistent. I have no idea if I am the only one with these thing in my mind. When I think about it, I really feel lonely supposing that it is only me who has such kind of perceptions and feelings. I really hope I am a fool so that I can pray to God for wisdom and set myself right. But if it is not fooloshness, then I do not know what to ask God for. I do not know exactly what I need to have or what I need to lose. I can pray for happiness but I still there is something more missing. It is something else that I had wanted and it is the exactly opposite of that. May be I am very unclar with what I am writing here ... that is how I am presently - unclear and obscure. Untill a few days my online chats used to be lively, now I many time don't feel like being visible and whe I chat with anyone, I end up being too touchy ... one of my friends has given a good explanation - 'senti-less-mental-more'!

I know I don't use any names on my blogs directly or even indirectly but I have to keep some things that way. I will never use any names - at least soemthing out of hand happens and compells me to.

I was at the Osmania University today and by the time I reached my grandparents' house at 5:30 pm, I could count every bone in my feet and legs that was aching. I finally reached home at 8:30 pm and was better by that time except for some mood swing sort of thing irritating me. (I don't seem to understand that I am being a fool - may be I need some different kind of dose.)

I don't feel myself fine to write today. I will post something in the morning tomorrow.

And by the way this is my 96th post on this blog. I am waiting for 4 more.