Do not think bad. Do not make others think bad.

So I finally started with the list on Flowing Emotions. I knew it was possible only because I have posted that list there. So that I write just because I have said it. Its a kind of force I put on myself and it works. I will have to adhere to the words I say (or write). This present post was about the people I tend to develop a dislike for right from the time I meet them. I hope not everybody is so opinionated and choosy like me.

I also started taking scrap for my article on Operation Desert Storm (the first Gulf War). It will take time. It requires me to read a lot of papers I have downloaded. I will put facts as the premise but my emphasis will be on what we can derive from these facts.

Today both my parents brought home lots of mangoes. None of them had the knowledge that the other was getting them home too. The refrigerator is full of manges and there is little space for other things. There is a lot of Mazaa too left. Tangy things everywhere now a days!

Today I finally decided to the watch the movie 'Sarkar'. I had the CDs since long and I wasn't getting enough courage (yes courage) and patience to sit in front of the television for long. I didn't watch the full movie. Not even the first CD is done. I will continue it tomorrow. I can't watch it on my computer as the DVD - ROM is still unhappy with me. I don't feel its necessity because of the USB drives.

I got a call from a call center today. This was just one of the many calls I get every few days. Long back I had registered at Monster.com and a few other job portals (I have reoved my CVs now though). Once I had an on-telephone interview too. I was asked to narate the story on any movie. I narated 'Hitch'. I was asked to come down for an interview. Today too it looked as though Mr. Harinath was testing me with my lingo. He asked me to drop in for an interview tomorrow. I am not going. I am no more interested in doing any jobs now. I will be joining any of the institutes that shall prepare me for CAT which I must attempt in the November or December of 2007. My parents are happy with this. My mom was always against me doing any job.

I can definitely got there just as an experience. But I am too proud to go there and fail. I won't do anything with half heartedness. If I don't fail then I can't beat the temptation money offers. One of the reason can be lazyness too!

Today I even updated News and Opinions. It has an important topic discussed. I got that as an e-mail from a friend and I thought it was a must-read. I can't forward it. I can flaunt it!

Today's title talks about two important things Mr. Gandhiji missed out while preaching virtues. He forgot to convey through his monkeys 2 things more important than the 3 he has delivered on. The two are: do not think bad, and do not make others think bad. I wonder how he would make his monkers say these 2.

Lesson Learnt by Being Deprived

Yesterday's midnight saw me left deprived of a statement that gives me the satisfaction I demand every day before going to bed. It was the last day of my internet connection's account and unlike every month it didn't get renewed by itself. For the first time after taking this connection I faced a problem of this kind and I was unhappy switching of my computer due to a problem. I had never seen any problem with the connection in the last 6 months. I telephoned the provider's office 4 times today and they finally restored it in the evening at 9 pm. And the package they have given me now, according to them, is temporary. It is some damned 'download limit' package but promises a higher speed. Glad to know its temporary - I don't want any limits on my usage, and my usage hasn't got anything to do with a vey high speed.

So I spent my time on The Fountainhead. I spent more than 3 hours on it but read less than 45 pages. There were so many instances that asked for rereading. I obeyed to these instances. But while being engrossed into this book, at one ocasion of time, I obstinately felt a sort of uneasyness for not being online. I didn't like myself feeling that. I kept it untill I felt good again after sometime. Felt good for not continuing with a senseless anger.

I had planned to write an article for News and Opinions but it required some study on a recent history and that was possible only through the web. And this was not available to me. I wanted to complete an unfinished letter. Didn't even do that - week commitment to it might have been the reason. Wanted to write on one of the topics I have listed on Flowing Emotions. Laziness prevented me from writing. Wanted to get ahead with a long pending exercise of writing on some people. But that required thinking and I was too week for that today. (This is the self-guided thinking I am refering to; it requires a lot of effort and gives me a lot of strength - all that is required here is motivation. I understand many other things implicitly. Some things come from nowhere - I mean, without any intention to find them.)

I will be writing on Operation Desertstorm on News and Opinions.

It's not the object, it's the desire

In the evening my parents and my brother were going out for some casual shopping and while getting ready my father put on a new after shave. It had a peculiar flavor of lime and it shocked me. It was something as though I had smelled this fragrance long back and it had left a powerful mark on me. I tried hard to recollect if there was something I remember connected with this fragrance, but I couldn’t. I thought about it for sometime and found nothing. I was amused. I will never use this aftershave for myself. I don’t want to confuse myself my smelling it again and again.

This happened while I was in the 501st page of The Fountainhead. I was struggling with a small sentence on the last line of that page. I read it 5-6 times and yet I was not able to get it. There were no new words - just simple vocabulary that was laughing at me. I have seen this happen before with much simpler ones and this time I was thinking about the aftershave more than the sentence. After reading it I found that I was missing a small word – ‘for’. I was so preoccupied with that smell that I was not seeing this little ‘for’. The sentence was – ‘That special sense of living I thought this marriage would destroy for me.’

The very next page made me silently thank my friends again for gifting me this book. The middle of the 502nd page had this –

‘I love you, Dominique. I love you so much that nothing can matter to me – not even you. Can you understand that? Only my love – not your answer. Not even your indifference. I have never taken much from the world. I haven’t wanted much. I’ve never really wanted anything. Not in the total, undivided way, not with the kind of desire that becomes an ultimatum, ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and one can’t accept the ‘no’ without ceasing to exist. That’s what you are to me. But when one reaches that stage, it’s not the object that matters, it’s the desire. Not you, but I. The ability to desire like that. Nothing less is worth feeling or honoring. And I’ve never felt that before. Dominique, I’ve never known how to say ‘mine’ about anything. Not in the sense I say it about you. Mine. Did you call it a sense of life as exaltation? You said that. You understand. I can’t be afraid. I love you, Dominique – I love you – you’re letting me say it now – I love you.’

Long back in one of my posts on Flowing Emotions I had written “its relations that are more important than people”. I was confused after writing that. I didn’t know if what I had written was right or wrong. One of my friends said he didn’t agree with me. I had no answer to give. I thought about it a several times ever since then. I had never been confused so much with something I had written, myself. Then I read this today. I read it several times – just to feel the pleasure of being right, to enjoy a victory, to relish an answer I had been searching. This character in The Fountainhead, though has a few bad traits, is the second of the two in the story that are close to objectiveness, and are the heroic ones. They are probably the ones that have described the philosophies of Ayn Rand. I am in the 508th page now with almost 200 more pages to go. This is what I have perceived till now about this second person – Gail Wynand. The first of course is Howard Roark.

I am spending a heck lot of a time reading this novel. It is not heck I mean here. I mean the ruthlessness the word ‘heck’ describes. I have, at many instances, read a few paragraphs very fast – using a few techniques I had learnt sometime back – but it was just out of curiosity. The zeal to get deep into the book had made me come back and read the sentences slowly again – to feel them and to learn from them, to absorb them and cherish an understanding, and capturing every part of them. It’s making me happy and proud. I don’t know about this proud thing!

My day was good today and I have learnt a lot from it. I even learnt how car batteries are charged and repaired. I learnt how to be calm when I feel the throttling urge to shout back. I learnt how weak I am.

I arranged an old table for myself in a new place. It is front of a window now from where a lot of light comes in at all times of the day. I will do all my reading and writing work here from now on. It’s beside my computer so an added advantage. I will fix a tube light tomorrow on the wall behind my computer. The light from behind me, forming a glare on the monitor, is giving me a head ache.

Do they really don't think of their future?

I woke up to see light at 7:30 am today. I had slept at 2:30 am. So this was exactly they way I wanted to see it happen - me sleeping for not more than 5 hours. I later went to a friend's house and was there till 6:30 pm. It was truly a good time I spent there. I had my lunch at his house and we spoke for hours.

Another friend was with us too. When the talk of our future - what after engineering? - came up, both of them said they were still undecided on it. I know they have their own ways and life and in no way am I supposed to question them but is this the same way others too are? I mean how can they not have anything decided till now? Don't they have any ambitions or any dreams? Ok, even if they don't want to do anyting, they should at least know by themselves that they want nothing!

After having a great time with him, I came down to my grandparents' house and then finally back to home at 9 pm. I came online sometime back and I shall be here for the next 3 hours atleast.

An hour in front of television today

When I left for dinner today at 10 pm, I had all my messengers logged it and were simply set to 'away'. I wanted to be back in 15 mins. But I got carried away. I was watching a comedy with my father for an hour. It was good except for the fact that I am going to write much against this television shortly on one of my blogs.

Today I couldn't beat sleep. When I woke up early, I was happy with it. But soon I found that the thing I was fighting against took me in its arms. I was fighting sleep and I had to sleep again. Today I read around 50 pages of The Fountainhead and I plan to finish the book in the next 4 days. I will do it. I am reading for the first time by keeping the book on a table and sitting erect on a chair. This looks as though I have turned out into an obedient student religiously using his study table in the most proper method. It just looks that way. I am reading a novel.

Today I sat with my mother for sometime. I was reading and she was readnig the newspaper. But she was sitting beside me and she was happy with my calmness - lately she had been saying that I have anger on my nose. I was in deep concern about her complains and I decided to be calm even when she bewilders me. She always complains that I don't allow her to touch me the way my brother does. She says I am still a small child. She was treating me like a child today. Good.

I downloaded the latest version of MSN messenger today. I was expecting it very new. I was not pleased. Did I ever tell how much I use MSN messenger? Well, it is not much of use now but I had hardly used yahoo untill 2 years back. I have more than 25 contacts in MSN and they are in regular contact - all of them my relatives.

It rained a little here. It was less than what I was told about the rains in other parts of the city. I was lying in the living room when I heard something like the falling of water drops. When I saw outside it was raining (obviously - what can I expect then?). I was not expecting the rain with so much light outside. As was I correct - it didn't rain much.

Yesterday I went to bed at 2am. For the past few nights whenever I go to sleep I hope for only one thing that I get fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes and the necessary requirement had been met when I open them again. It looks like a waste of time sleeping. But when I wake up, I don't feel like waking up. May be it is because I am lacking some will power to get out of bed. I will learn it.

Nothing much here

I, along with a friend, had decided to go to another friend's house but we came to know that he is still out of station. I know nothing how this misunderstanding crop up but it was probably something between 'thursday' and 'tuesday'. So the plan was cancelled.

I woke up at 7:30 am after sleepig at 3 am. It was a short sleep so I compensated it by sleeping for an hour in the afternoon. I didn't want to sleep but I had to.

The rest was as usual except that I wrote a letter. An open one - again. It is not finished yet. I will do it tomorrow.

Its so easy to irritate ppl... but so difficult to please their hearts

Today was a different day for me. It started late though and I spent a lot of time reading a novel, I thought of several things, in finer detail, about points that have been ringing in my mind. To start with I’d like to write out a few points. There is a lot of explanation to make them crystal clear and God-willing I shall do it very soon and put it on Flowing Emotions.

# I have a very big ego that drives me. I approve very part of it in a way that helps me to become a better person.
# People desperately want leaders. They want someone who guides them and takes all the responsibility especially of the mistakes they commit.
# It is a very important trait to understand people. It is important to know what they are – to help them, nurture them, enlarge them and make them independent. All this is to connect with them. Understanding people, or the necessity to do so is everywhere – the adverts we see on the television are made in such a way that they please people and this happens when people are understood. This is just a small example. If understanding of people is taken as a crime then I don’t think anybody will have a right to roam around freely. Every person, right from a novelist to an evangelist, will be imprisoned. Just for understanding people.
# People are weak and they do not know what they want unless they see it. No one would have asked for love unless he/she had felt it at least once.
# Having integrity with people is most important, else everything done with them is short lasting and it amounts for manipulation and fraud. It is a sin to manipulate people. # Understanding is a 2 way process. The intention is to connect with them. People can be the biggest achievement or the biggest liability. The 2 way process gets them close to each other and makes them help and use each other in an equal way with integrity.
# To hurt a person is much worse than hurting our self.
# The most beautiful things in the world are the most useless ones. Lilies and peacocks for instant (I remember reading this as a quote somewhere). According to me Dominique Frankon in The Fountainhead too is useless except for her presence I in the story (I say this after reading just the part I have read till now. Its just an understanding).
# Selfishness is a virtue. Its better that people understand its true meaning – dictionaries have it. My blog has a few details on this. I am selfish and I know this is how I should be.
# People hate others usually for reasons unknown to themselves unless the person being hated is really at fault. It is some times because of jealousy. They fail to understand that its not actually hatred but jealousy. I think it is very good to declare openly that we are jealous of any person if we really are. This helps in having integrity with them. (When I say people, I am included in them)
# I shall never cheat a person. Even if I do anything that may hav a slight meaning of cheating him/her, I should make that person aware of it.

So many times I feel like making myself as open as the vast seas so that people know everything about me. Especially the fact that some of them think I manipulate them. I want to be clearer then mirrors. Mirrors are not clear at all - when I look into them I see myself. Every single thing that I hide burns inside me and hurts me more than any physical pain. Its the guilt that makes me uncomfortable.

I wish I could explain everything about me to everyone. I know most of them won’t be interested as they are never expected to be – but I want every person who thinks anything bad about me to know how much it hurts me to find anything bad inside me. But I also know I cant explain things to anyone who is ready to hear it. Language comes between communication. My not-so-good language stops me from being more transparent. I can’t put into words everything I want to say. But if I connect with people at an emotional level, this becomes possible.

To start with, what all I have written in ‘My Perception of My Own Life’ is very much true. What I had written in ‘I Am NOT Mentally Vulnerable’ is a bitter truth. What I had written in ‘My Humble Prayer to My God’ is one thing I shall always continue with. I mean every single part of all that.

I want every person who knows me to read this post but I know this is not going to happen. They won’t be interested. It is so obvious. And I respect them for this. I will be the same if I am in their place. But they will acquire so much interest in any talk about me they may happen to have; about the bad qualities in me. But they will never come to me and tell met that I need to correct myself. Any person who says I have faults openly to me is the person who cares for me. I shall write in detail on all this sometime later when I feel that I have understood enough to make others understand.

I sincerely hope I am not called as a maniac or a psycho for writing these things here (there is more to it actually). This may be madness though. I believe I can achieve nothing until I really get mad at it. All this is just a transition.

The book that will help me with a better understanding of people will be Personality Plus. It will tell how to classify people to understand them. The full name of the book is “Personality Plus: Understanding Others by Understanding Yourself”. SO I hope this name says a lot too. Actually this understanding thing is very important for people involved in network marketing – my uncle (connected to Amways) is into it and I have learnt a lot from him.

And regarding to my writing thing, I now fully understand how important it is to review what I have written. It is necessary that I edit the complete paragraphs until I really want something good. I shall start doing this to all my posts on Flowing Emotions shortly. I am presently after a few books – I have to complete them in a short time.