They Are Not My Songs

It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem.
- G. K. Chesterton

I was watching a movie a day for the last four days. The time was usually only after 11:30 pm and went on till 2:30 am with many interruptions made by chatting. I have many more lined up for viewing - "Just My Luck", "Julius Cesar", "City Of Angels", "Resident Evil Extinction" and "Underground Evolution" are a few of them. The next batch would get me all the three from the "Rambo" series. Among the ones I watched recently were two from the "Die Hard" series. And there shouldn't be any guessing about how many times I have watched "Troy".

Sometime back my father took us out for a walk. I don;t find Tolichowki a place to take a stroll but because he asked, I didn't want to miss the chance. A bakery on the way reminded my father of burgers. We had standing there and all of it was unexpected. I still have to eat my dinner and nobody looks interested in it. It's already 10:45 pm. I am hungry but I don't feel like eating anything.

Yesterday night when I went to sleep I had an unexplainable feeling of fear in my heart. I couldn't understand why it was there. As I lay on my bed I began to think of all the possibilities - I thought about my parents, my friends, studies, even blogs, about the Saturday I was going to see with the new sun, about Sunday's test, the party I have planned for the evening that day - nothing seemed like a probably reason for fear I should be having. I hoped I understood what it was so that I could take some action. I am sure it was already 4 am. I kept staring at the ceiling for long before waking up to the morning. I was fine then.

My mother called my short-length shirt as a choli. My brother reminded my father that I had once called him a senior citizen. My mother told me that I have become callous and am I no more soft like I used to be when I was a kid. My father told me how once when I was a kid I saw a dead cockroach and had asked him how it had died. My father had said that it must have become too old. It seems I asked him if even we are going to get old someday and die like that cockroach. He was just reminding me that things like those used to effect me. My mother told my aunt today that I am not interested in staying with them after my engineering and I want to leave home. Then she told my father that once I go to US, I would marry a girl there. She said I would just bring that girl to them someday and inform them that she was their daughter-in-law. I listened to all this and said nothing.

It's 11:02 pm now and I am being called for dinner. The television is on making my aversion towards it hard to beat. I have to now sit in that room with my parents and forcefully listen to it. I have been doing it all these days and there are so many adverts I can recognise only by the music in it. There are some serials I hate even listening to. But because I have to dine with my parents, I need to do it. It was a good day today and I will do it without complaining.

Intemperate Rage

Charlie Chaplin once allegedly said to Albert Einstein: "The people applaud me because everyone understands me, and they applaud you because no one understands you."

I find it the best to keep my moth shut whenever I am angry. I can go to the extent of not replying to my parents, ignoring phone calls and overlooking messages I see on the computer screen. I find it as the easiest way to let others know that I am angry and that they should keep away from me for that time being. It also helps me remain decently placed inside my character. And the best thing, I would never shout or utter anything bland that could cause any implications. But I might end up irritating others this way without intending to. My intention would be to keep things peaceful.

Anything that causes anger should be held responsible if the raged shows unacceptable behaviour. But what makes him angry would also explain his priorities and perhaps even to a good extent his character. We really can't go about holding the person or the situation as the criminal. We can't even point at the crime. Only one thing matters - if response to the implicated mental arousal is unsavoury, the criminals must be punished; both of them. Anything reasonable must be appreciated alongside being taught more about the importance of reason rather than logic.

I didn't write anything yesterday because I wanted to avoid the reason and the logic. They meant nothing to me. I only wanted to do the right things. I kept my lips tied and my mind focused. I spoke only to one friend. Even that was after a long time I found this friend to be online. It was necessary that I talked. I didn't give any reasons for my state of mind to my friend. I rather focused on taking help - the talking itself was a help rendered to me. When my mother was leaving in the morning, I listened to what all she wanted me to do for the day, I greeted her for the day and I went back to bed. I had then opened my mouth to speak after many hours.

Before afternoon came I let my phone ring for as many as 15 times. I even cleared a call on the land-line. I wanted to be alone - without thinking anything that could move me away from the track I was walking on. And I am still walking on it. I was back to normal in the evening, talking to so many people as usual, and even watched a movie - the whole of it at once this time.

Yesterday I watched a part of "Con Air" and I finished that today. The movie I saw sometime back was "Bourne Ultimatum". All the while I was watching this movie, it looked to me as if I was reading a novel. When the movie ended and I looked at the casting, it also told me that the movie was based on a novel by Robert Ludlum. It's usually the novels that have perfect characters and plots, and of course loads of details. Both these movies were good.

Image courtesy: www.wikipedia.org

Disaster Management

The most valuable 100 people to bring into a deteriorating society would not be 100 chemists, or politicians, or professors, or engineers. But rather 100 entrepreneurs.
- Abrahan H. Maslow

I was holing a plastic cup three quarters filled with tea with my two fingers fixed diagonally at the midsection of the cup from outside. The liquid was stirred by a faint movement of my hand and it caused to swing the cup just to make its opening face me. The tea spilled onto my shirt, tie and blazer. There was nothing I could do apart from using my kerchief to wipe off the droplets from the thick cloth of the coat that had temporarily prevented the liquid from getting absorbed. I had just finished my dinner and was standing in the lawns having tea with my father and cousins.

It was surely an experience. I didn't feel anything apart from the urge to ignore all the eyes on the stains on my shirt that was facing the lights cutting through the opening of my coat near the collars. Few minutes later we left the place for home. I had had a heavy meal as my father who was sitting beside me kept serving chicken. It was the last of the four functions we were invited for by two of my father's cousins. We have some more to attend in the last week of this month.

Yesterday a friend told me that there was a kidnap plan executed in some part of India and the kidnapper had collected all the information about the victim from his blog. My friend told me that I shouldn't be writing a blog. My instant response was to tell him that there are hundreds of thousands who write blogs and they are more ardent than me. We didn't talk much about it but later I sat thinking if this can really cause me a problem of such level. I surely write a lot about me and any person interested in me can get all he wants from my blogs. Right from my thinking to my action - everything can be gauged.

But then, when I write so much about me, I still don't think it can be enough for in-depth understandings about me. May be a person can collect small data and keep doing it over a time to build the complete picture, but will that be enough? None of my routines last more than a week! Further more, I find no reason why I must be kidnapped. And if I had to kidnap a person, I would personally track him or her rather than trying to read his blog. I believe that more than half of the times we don't know what the next day is going to bring to us. I can get into innumerable arguments and it will all be pointless.

After I returned home today, I soaked my shirt and the tie in water and I will wash them tomorrow. Today I had also washed around 30 clothes which had got accumulated over the last two months. I washed them all and it took me two rounds with the washing machine. I started with separating the ones that were soiled from the ones that were comparatively clean. Then I soaked them separately in water with dissolved detergent. Then I washed them with hands before using the machine. It was tiring. I have this lone shirt for tomorrow.

Yesterday I had a long day with my friends. We met in the college, then had burgers, went to Durgam Cheruvu, rode around Madhapur and Gacibowli before spending an hour of detailed discussions at my house. We were five and four of us were after the fifth trying to put into his mind how important it is to understand everything about money at this age itself - being prepared. We worked around several examples and gave him information what is meant by interest, insurance and finance. We told him what taxes are. He knew a lot already but I felt it was complete in no way. It was half-baked with him tied with only the information he could get from his elders. It was definitely very less. Being a friend, I thought I needed to tell him whatever little I knew.

My friend kept arguing that we learn what all we need to when we start earning. He told us that time will teach him and he need not worry about anything now. He even tried to validate that reading books is not necessary to become successful. According to him, all we are required to focus on now is one single subject from our engineering and perfect it. He said this is the time we must invest in learning what to be when we get into a job. He even believes that experience has a value more than a master's degree. He said it's time to focus and not to widen our knowledge base. He condemned the my will to learn more about money management at this stage of my life.

I am sure a student of my age would agree to all these things he said. But I don't agree even a bit. To start with, I have my mother's example - she is rich only because she had plans right from the day she joined her job 23 years back. No person earning what she does can reach this point without such adroit planning. This is no time for me to explain what all she did, but in short - she kept her future in her mind and had learnt all about money in her five years of study of commerce. She was so perfect because she had money as her core subject. We being engineers have to learn it from other sources. If we wait for time to teach us, we can wait for several years before we can buy the car of our choice, before we start investing in hundred thousands, and before we can think of moving into better lifestyles. Time teaches but it takes time.

Purchasing the right kind of insurance policies, making the right investments in bonds to save taxes, having the knowledge of how inflation and gold prices effect the value of money, understanding why different methods of saving money have different consequences, and most importantly, understanding the need to do all this puts us on the track to the destination we want to reach. We can't expect our monthly salaries to buy us cars and property. We need more pipelines. And we need all this at the earliest. Waiting for time to teach us the tricks of making money will pull us down into the glitches of mediocrity. If, instead of making money, the idea is to earn money, then it is foolishness to dream big. The dreams will remain as dreams that way.

Right from day one at our job, we need to know why we are there. We might be there to realize our potential as excellent programmers, me might be there to show everybody that we are the best, we might be there to fulfil our desire to become a scientist or get our selves engrossed in intensive research activities. But will we do all this if we are not being paid? We are there for only one thing - money. What we do is done because we want to earn more alongside give ourselves some satisfaction which we may derive from our work. We are not going to stay as programmers or scientists for all our lives - we have to become managers some day. The objective remains the same; the type of work changes.

My friend asked me what I would do after I complete MS. I told him my plans for the next three years after that. He even seemed to throw some mockery at my sudden decision to write GRE and TOEFL. I am sure it must have looked funny to him that I take new route when I was hell bent on doing MBA and staying in India for next two years at least. And I am sure many had thought this way. They must have also questioned my credibility as a person who sticks to one thing. Surely my commitment must have been looked at in doubt.

To start with, I had only two plans - Plan A and Plan B. Plan A was to give everything required to get into a decent MBA college. If that had then failed, I would have looked for Plan B - joining Infosys. I somehow find that the colleges where I can do an MBA with such CAT's score are not worth. Spending around 4.5 lacks didn't sound fine to me. So, Plan A almost failed. I was left with Plan B and it still remains. But not as Plan B but as Plan C. Infosys can always be exciting but I don't want delays or slow rides in my life. I need it to be fast and satisfying.

I brought in Plan B - doing MS in the United States. I was asked once by my aunt if I wanted to study there. I had said in negation. A few weeks back I spoke positive. I have booked slots of TOEFL and GRE and I have all my concentration of doing MS now. I am leaving Plan A completely so that I find MS as the only option and achieve it. I consider it as very bad to remain a graduate. I want to be a professional and I have to do my masters. Just to give an interesting but pointless example, I can mention that all the guys I see getting decently married these days have either done MS or MBA. This education shows it's worth not only in the industry but even else where. I am going to do MBA. But after I start working. I can always join evening classes as long as I am in US. I will learn more there. Infosys might just not teach all that. I need to get an I 20 and then the F 1 visa. The Plan C is always there to fall back. Allah decides.

Where's My Insurance?

Every vice has its excuse ready.
- Publilius Syrus

I tried to taste as many dishes I can in the marriage function I attended today. It was a good one. I gave a decent treat to my belly without overdoing anything. I didn't touch the biryaani though wanted to have a taste of it. Later my father said it wasn't very good. I was sitting with one of my elder uncles and my father on the other side. They took good care of me but uncle finished early. He asked me if I could cook any of the dishes we had there and also reminded of "fox's meat we used to have" recollecting an old joke we shared.

Yesterday night I watched "Finding Nemo" and today it was some part of "Minority Report". I will finish watching it in some time now. We have plans to meet in the college tomorrow. We wanted to watch a movie but every movie released is readily available in form of DVD rips. So, going to a theatre is not a question. I just have to ask my friend to get a particular movie downloaded and there it is! He gets it to me within two days. I had requested for "Minority Report" last.

I suppose I have become a symbol of gossip in my friends' circle. I am talking a lot - about many things. It was my first belief that I was just sharing it. Then I thought it was my curiosity. Then I realized that I was becoming an entertainer! I never had the intentions to create fascination or excitement but I surely did. Perhaps I even got close to back-biting or even committed it. I never wanted to make any names bad; I just wanted everything to be openly discussed and cleared. I always had this heaviness within me because there are things I can't discuss with some close friends. I tried a lot but backed off fearing repulsion. It always made me feel guilty for it made me feel that I was taking sides with irrationality. My only intention has been to be transparent. It would be painful to know that I am misunderstood. I am into a lot of gossip though!

Love Finds No Preamble

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed.
-Dwight D. Eisenhower

The curiosity went into an apparent loop that seemed to keep me turning pages without pausing. It was 11:40 pm already and I had to kill the feelings to put myself at the computer. I have less than 200 pages of the book left to be read and I will accomplish that tomorrow. I have some more in queue. And one of those will stay for long - till February 4th! I will finish one before that. The classiest one will take a lot longer if I am estimating myself correctly.

I wasted a lot of time today after waking up early - at 10 pm. But then I had a nap stretched in time after my lunch which too came at the correct time in the day. The breakfast was spread across several hours - two bananas, a mug of cold coffee and a fried egg. I wanted more. I feel hunger every hour but don't find the exact scratches for this confusing itch. I had a good meal as my dinner sometime back and I am sure I will go for the cucumber in the fridge after writing for today.

I find Yahoo's spam protection service as the worst. They keep letting 2 to 3 mails reach my inbox folder even without knowing that they belong to the classification of spam. Perhaps that I could have accepted but to make things unacceptable, they send messages from my friends into the bulk mail folder. They mark the valid mails as invalid. That gives me the additional burden of checking those tens of nonsensical mails. I like the protection provided with Gmail and Hotmail. Hotmail in fact blocks the garbage at its server without letting me even see it. Gmail presents it in the spam folder with takes in at least 10 daily. But Yahoo works pathetically.

A friend misunderstood my yesterday's post and asked me something referring to a person he thought I had written about. I explained him that he had made a mistake and he doesn't know her. Though my friend didn't go much deep into what he questioned me about, he did question me and made it clear what he thinks. I avoided all talks of the person I mentioned yesterday. I went for the person whom he tried to relate my post - I wanted him to realize that he was the only one against me on that context of defamation and he was ignoring some critical points. I even felt a surge of anger when he asked me about her. Yesterday when I wrote the post, I had only one person in my mind - the girl whose blog I read. I was empathetic and I wrote my heart out. It's saddening to see somebody could take it wrong.

I feel odd sitting at home with no plans for the coming days. I might be doing productive things time to time but spending time alone at home looks wasteful. When I go to sleep in the night, it always makes me feel good to know what I am going to do when I wake up. It gives me a reason to have a complete sleep and have some motivation for waking up fresh for work. Living on a slow-hill is ludicrously tiring. It takes my mind to distasteful places giving damned logics leading to guilt and dissatisfaction.

It's Smothering Me, I Have To Do Something...

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
-Martin Luther King

Yesterday after I logged out of all my accounts on Gmail and Yahoo, I began to read my blogs trying to recollect and bring back to reality the thought processes I had when I wrote those old posts. I even wondered if I am the same person who had written them. I realized nobody else can put it all that way! I found many errors in the posts. They were not exactly grammatical - the erratic behavior of my fingers that put some alphabets at absurd locations made the spelling mistakes look like grammatical. I am not justifying my language - alphabets come natural to me!

I had a long reading exercise on the computer yesterday as I read not only my blogs but several others. I am using Google Reader these days to collect feeds and present them to me from a single access place. Its making my work simple and I don't have to open any page other than my account there. I can even share the posts I like. I just have to click on a button and the blog-post's name appears on the widget on my blogs. Using this application from Google, I can keep a track of all the updates made on several blogs. It doesn't save any posts; it just makes them available to me.

A day my mother takes leave from her work always comes as a blessing to me if I have a holiday that day. I get to spend some time with her without worrying about her mood. She has problems from her work-place and I know it takes a lot from her away. We went for shopping in the morning then to meet my grandmother. I reached home in the evening and left to attend the reception of the marriage I attended a couple of days back. I missed the presence of a cousin there. We have more functions coming up.

I got around a blog yesterday and read many posts from it. It made me feel good; but it made me feel bad more. It was the feeling of overpowered emotions and the victor was the blog. Some things hit hard with no reason - or perhaps a reason we are afraid to talk about and don't even realize unless we think about others who have faced it. I have light all around me, I have the whole world open to be explored, to be enjoyed, to be overpowered - if that can be mentioned with no isolation of desire, and the only one who can change anything is Allah. But after I read this blog, I saw in real words that there can be people who have the whole world open in front of them, it will even help them enjoy it, they can overpower it if they want to; but the desire is lost, the prime mover of life - love - had exploited them.

Nobody is to be blamed - not even love. It does its work the way guided upon and the way it can be guided. Neither the reality nor the dream hurts - it hurts from inside. The pain can't be measured. Even an innocent child laughing in his sleep would hurt us making us feel that he is laughing on our plight. We try to be strong and tell ourselves that we can endure anything that pain gives, that we cannot be exploited by any emotion, that we have to stand tall and keep a smile on our face always. But it hurts from inside. Because a smile has to come from inside. I know how easy it is to make it appear in my eyes with nothing similar to it in my heart!

There might be no light ahead in some people's lives. But this blog introduced me to a person who has lots of light ahead of her but perhaps she has fallen in love with that only view. She won't let herself enter the joys of the brightness. She can't for the light betrayed her past. She had been made to weep. All I could do was read her words and comment. I don't know her. I could just pray for her sitting at my desk. I found myself naïve not able to understand what exactly I can say to make her feel better. My words could hurt her. So many people must have said her so much and tried to console her. I tried to put myself in her place to imagine what could make me feel better.

Putting me in her shoes was horror to me. The light I have mentioned looked really obfuscating. It was intimidating. I somehow felt that nothing could sooth and there was no face or a word that could make me feel good. It looked like the end - the end of what I didn't know or perhaps couldn't understand. There was no fight to be fought and no reason to be salvaged. Not even pain to be felt. Just silence. No voice.

I remember when I used to feel bad about various things some months back. What my parent would say passed through my ears like unnerving voice. Every thought was giving me pain. It used to hurt in the throat first. Then it started to move inside like some fluid accumulating in my head, moving into my teeth and then in my chest spreading all the heat and breathlessness there. I wish I could be more descriptive but I haven't felt like that since many weeks now. Only some tears have rolled. Yesterday I recollected how it used to feel. And understood that she must have endured more than that.

Companionship is the best word to describe a necessity worth life and all its prerequisites. It's not just about having an intimate friend. It’s not only the peace it gives. It’s not just about love. It’s about being complete. Its about being in the place where we belong to. It’s about having a home. It’s about sharing life and the commitment to give it all when needed. It’s about having children and furthering life. But when life itself steals away the right to all this, how can a person move ahead? No matter how much light she finds around her, she can't see it. Her right has been stolen. She has been betrayed by the light itself.

I might be too young to understand this or I suppose one would agree if I said that I don't have to understand this. I don't care for what the ethics or the cultures say. It makes a difference to me and I don't know why it does that. It moves me beyond my comfort zone. It makes me think - think if somebody has to suffer so much then I have no right to be happy. It gives me guilt, it makes me sad. It makes me hate what love is about. It makes me feel like betraying myself. And the worst part - I can only sit and write.

No matter how hard we try we can't cause to make any differences by any means. We can analyze them, learn from them, and even teach others. But where is the point when we cannot help the person who is making us realize all that. She is the one suffering. There might be people to stand by her, to take care of her, to be with her. But they are not the ones she is supposed to be. She is not living in her home. She is not living the life she must have. Is anything I can do apart from praying for her?

This Is Where I Fail

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
-Ben Franklin

Things seem to be going very unpleasant with no servant-maid in the house. Mother's getting too tired with the extra work and she finds very little time to rest in the mornings. The floor never looks untidy but the other things are in a mess. We are keeping a few places in order but its all pathetic and any guest would embarrass us by his presence. I don't know how long this will continue.

On Saturday when I went to meet my cousins, I browsed through several books before starting with 'Digital Fortress'. Today I finished a good 60 pages after the 100th. The book is a fast read with very less word-density. I hope to finish it soon and start 'Atlas Shrugged'. I had been waiting to put my hands on this book and it was gifted to me by my friends. After I finish reading it, it would be the bulkiest book I will have ever read.

Yesterday at the wedding function I saw the groom staring at me many times. After many guests left, he came out to meet all the people who were sitting there. I was with my uncle when he came and stood in front of me. He was looking at me making me feel odd. I wondered if he was going to ask me who I was. His face told me so. Then he started meeting my uncle. I stood up immediately, shook hands with him and sat down. I thought of congratulating him. I would have even done that but the cold chemistry we had developed from those eye contacts stopped me.

I saw him looking at me an hour later too. Perhaps my shirt was too shiny for that occasion and my idea of making it sober by having a jacket over it made him more interested. My father and I were the only two with formal jackets - it was Sherwani with others. I told my father that his coat looked old-fashioned with the lapels very narrow. I had asked my brother if my clothes suited the occasion. I saw many eyes telling me there that they weren't exactly. I enjoyed so many eyes.

At Nestlé

When once the itch of literature comes over a man, nothing can cure it but the scratching of a pen.
-Samuel Lover

I asked my father why it is considered as bad by some people to play cards. He said it was usually because they relate it to the involvement of money for gambling which is surely illegal in Islam. Otherwise, he said, its perfectly alright to play it for fun purpose. I asked an elder cousin sometime back today if he knew how to play, and he said he used to play 'Rummy' a lot. I remember once I tried to learn it from my father but couldn't understand. I play 'Solitaire' a lot on my computer and I once finished the game in 39 seconds. Yesterday I learnt how to play 'Bluff' but couldn't learn how to win it. I was too lazy to think then.

Having said how playing cards is not at all a bad thing as perceived by many, I think I can tell how much I enjoyed playing it all night yesterday till today morning. We were seven friends sitting on my house's terrace with two yellow lamps burning. I had arranged a taqt, some sheets sit on the floor and gau takiyas. And of course we had the famous hukka spreading the almost-sweet smoke. We had three grilled chickens and lots of chicken biryaani with coke.

The plan was made some days back when I told a friend that I can get a hukka and we will party someday soon. Then I said it can be done on Saturday but I didn't then know we would be doing it all night. I had to get the equipment from my cousin, and purchase the flavor and synthetic coal from a shop at Mehdipatnam. I was afraid that I would not be able to set it up perfectly but it turned out well when I did it the first time. The second time I used a little less flavor and it wasn't satisfactory. But we had a great time. Everybody tasted it!

The night passed by very quickly. It was cold but I was fine with it. Only my palms were feeling the bitterness of the breeze. As the night approached dawn, the chill increased making the time even more enjoyable. The 'Bluff' games kept us engrossed and excited giving no room for sleep or tiredness. There was no disturbance from phones or anybody else. The only difficult thing came to me after everybody went - I had to wash all the plates and cutlery we used. We don't have a servant-maid helping my mother with house-hold work and she does almost everything. I wanted not to burden her. The platform and the level of the sink in the kitchen is too low for me giving me lots of back-ache while I stood holding each plate under the tap. It was tiring before I finally went to sleep at 7:30 am. My day began at 1:30 pm.

We had to attend a lunch-party at a cousin sister's house she bought recently. I met all my relatives there. I had spent the complete afternoon at an aunt's place yesterday and today again we met. There will a third meet in the evening when we would be attending the wedding function of my father's cousin's daughter. We have invitation of marriage-functions in a row from now on. I hope I get to attend all of them. I like meeting my people, talking to them and spending time with them and these occasions are the only ones when I get a chance. We all are busy otherwise.

After I washed the dishes in the morning, I searched for something to eat in the fridge and found a cutlet and shaami kabab. After heating them for 30 seconds I sat at the dining table thinking about the card game wondering why I couldn't win even a single time. Not that I can't lie, I was surely hesitant. Then I thought how that game can show everybody's intellect and intelligence in a crystal-clear view. The tactics employed by every player show how he thinks and how well he can manipulate his own moves. It even explain how immaculately he can deceive - all a part of the game of course. Then I wondered if I was lacking these skills and if this could effect any of my coming times. I wondered it I am not sharp enough to play such games in real-life. Then I recollected the name of the game and laughed. The name itself is "Bluff" and I felt glad I didn't win any of it!

One of my friends has started working in a call center - GE Money. Another would be joining soon. They cleared the interview rounds and were too happy for what they achieved. I mentioned about this to my mother and she asked me to enjoy whatever time I have before engineering ends. And today I began counting how much I have been enjoying these days and how much money I have been spending. In the last 10 days itself, I am sure, I have spent around Rs. 1500. And I feel fine with it. It am not putting it on useless things. I am enjoying with my friends and I am spending it on myself. I just have to keep a count on the numbers. I have to make the figures on the paper match with the ones in my wardrobe's vault.

Tricked By My Own Heart

You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you've got something to say.
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Some years back when I was doing my intermediate studies I had a big debate with my parents in which I tried to explain them why I had no friends giving every quotable reason for it. I couldn't succeed and my father had said that I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't know what friendship was. I had not told him the chief reason for avoiding close friendships. I couldn't tell him how weak I am in staying away from people who are dear to me. I couldn't tell him that I was afraid of making friends because I was afraid of loosing them - loosing them in time, loosing them to others, loosing them to myself. Four years later, now, my fear has materialised and I don't know how I am going to bear it.

I had a particular group of friends in my engineeri's first year and it was all formal. They were my friends because they sat around the place I was sitting in the classroom, and being a student I had to keep formal friendship with my classmates. We all were simply friends with no big emotional attachments. When I started making some friends a little far away from my bench in the classroom, I remember somebody saying "you are no more with us these days". The next year I had a new set of friends.

We were still simply friends with the three guys being a bit closer to being called as good friends. Things kept happening. I never had thought before that I would ever talk to a girl in the college. Soon in third year we were a group of nine friends. I changed. I don't know about others because I didn't know them before. They were all good to me, gave me lots of respect, made me feel important and most precisely, I was getting emotionally attached to them. I had my fears but the warmth never made me realize what all this happiness could lead me to.

I kept friends with old people too. Three of my casual friends from intermediate times got more closer to me though we weren't meeting frequently. When one of them left for US, I got the first blow in friendship. Though I am in good contact with him, I never knew I would miss him. The other two too got more closer to me even when we hardly share anything in common. In the college, I became a part of two groups. I can't call the second one as a group precisely, but I had two different sets of friends. One of them became more than just a group to me. Today, as I write this, I am emotionally attached to each of the eight and it gives me creeps to imagine my time without them. I will surely have some tough times after I get done with my engineering. I will have to move on.

Among the several invaluable things they all did for me is a blog they made to wish me on my birthday. I have read the messages in it several times by now and the only thing I can say is that I am sorry, I might not be able to return to them the kind of friendship they gave to me, I might not be strong enough to be such a good friend in return, I am afraid of this bond we have built for it is transient and we won't be together some months from now. I am sorry I tried to become a good friend even when I had that fear in my heart. We can't make the time stop. We can't make friendships stop. But someday we have to move on. The fear would be no more then. Because it would have by then done the damage.

Yesterday we all went for a lunch at a restaurant in Jubilee Hills. We had a wonderful time there. The gifts, the flowers, the presence of each of my friends, the presence of the friendship, the smiles, laughs, giggles, and mischief - it was all mesmerising. The fear too was still there and it didn't cease to exist for a single moment. I couldn't even move away from any of them telling that I can't take it when time moves up apart. I am sure they all are stronger than me. Mental strength is something I couldn't teach myself till now.

I went to meet my aunt today in Malakpet. Even my grandmother is there these days and it was long since I had been there. I sat talking to my cousin for long about our engineering syllabi and campus placements. She is in second year and already worried about the later thing. I spent about three hours there and returned home just in time to receive two of my friends here. Now I am sitting here reminiscing not able to understand what I must do next keeping in mind about what has to be done - as a plain objective.

I Don't Feel It

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
-Robert Benchley

I tried to search within me if there was something new after I turned 21. It was all same. I wasn't feeling any different. Surely a number can't differ with my feelings. Numbers don't define maturity either. They just give more permissions! This time I already had them. Somethings just got legalized.

I had the most sleepy of all my days today. I slept after 3:30 am yesterday and I keeps sleeping from time to time till today evening. I hardly did anything apart from spending some time with a friend who came home. And I am feeling sleepy again now.

A cousin for mine who had started a blog more than a year back but didn't continue writing has started another one. This time he looks promising with an Internet connection at his home in Mecca. He is 13 but 'works' like 16. I remember a friend telling me that these days we find generation gaps for just four years' differences in age.

Purview

Never hate your enemies. It clouds your judgement.
-Michael Corleone, The Godfather

Like how I did several times in the past, I opened the 'create' page and signed out without writing a single word. I had words but no feeling of having the need to type them. I thought I could sleep a bit early but I went to bed after 3 am. I am afraid I am getting used to this schedule. I have to correct myself soon. Yesterday a friend who came to my house met with an accident and it was for the first time I saw such physical pain with blood. He got badly hurt on his fingers and we just hope that he finds enough strength in his fingers to write the last exam tomorrow.

It's environmental studies for tomorrow. We won't find any marks of this subjected being included in the aggregate percentage but scoring 40% is compulsory. I have been through some questions and though I can get away with it even without opening the book again, I will spend some more time. Not that I have opened my book till now, a friend read those answers to us and it was sufficient. I was at the college today with three more friends.

I spoke to so many people today - mostly on phone and it was nice to hear some voices. Talking to my aunt from Mecca especially was soothing. I had been wanting to talk to her but was missing the chance always. She called me first in th evening, the line wasn't clear. She kept calling but we couldn't talk. I called back and the line wasn't clear again. We spoke finally when she called sometime back.