Crayons

My brother has his first term examinations on so he couldn't come with us to a marriage function we went today. We were invited by one of our neighbors and because we often miss so much in the neighborhood always being busy or not at home, we thought we should go. I wanted to stay home but also didn't want anybody to think that I am anti-social. So, I took along with my parents. I missed my brother there.

I slept a lot today again. The number of hours is going well above 10 especially on holidays and I am a little unhappy about that. I don't feel like doing anything - I am just keeping myself on the bed and that is making my mother think that I am not well. Today being a holiday she was home. I read a book, studied a little, listened to some music, ate, and of course, slept.

On Thursday we have Wipro coming to our college to select students. Though I am not eligible - I have already been selected by another company - I am still going to the college. I will meet my friends and int eh afternoon go out to purchase some book. I have my first internals starting from the coming 20th. I feel so tired already. I wish I could keep myself lying on the bed with some book in my hand. Perhaps if there was something that could read my mind and put it in digital format, I could have finished writing the novel I am dying to write but not getting the right motivation.

Lazy Sunday Evening

I don't have much to write for today; just felt like working with the keyboard on the "edit" window of Blogger. I woke up around 10:45 am today, had snacks for lunch and helped mother with her Sunday. My cousin brother who got married some weeks back came home on lunch; had some fun with him. He always makes me laugh. In the evening his eldest brother was here with his family. He wasn't here for long - just had tea.

I finally replaced the adapter connecting the microwave oven's power-cord to the switch-board. All these days there was some loose connection between them creating frequent sparks. That was preventing my mother use the appliance. I couldn't get the adapter of a different brand, but this piece fits well.

Yesterday night I had lots of fun with my brother. He was playing some game on his phone and I was continuously bugging him. He was enjoying it. He was wearing some strange shirt which was making him look like my father and I was teasing him pointing at the small strings of his still-to-appear-clearly beard. I was constantly telling him that we would end up in a serious fight if he didn't allow me bug him. Several time I also told "why are you behaving like a kid?". He told me that I was behaving like a kid. Then I continued "I am talking to myself". I am fine now. Alhamdulillah.

So bad it hurts inside

I can't understand why I am living my days this way. The only thing I did today was getting the CAT application from the bank. I slept again in the afternoon. I haven't had a single proper meal since morning. I am hungry but I don't feel like eating. I am getting frustrated with everything that is being said and asked to me. I know my father is hiding things from me. Last Saturday I explained him how it will cause me more pain if he did that, but he continues. It's not just my father, but some other people too are hiding facts and truth from me. I am more interested in the truth.

I don't feel like talking to any of my friends. In the last two days the phone calls I have received were the ones with new numbers; I rejected the rest of them. I don't feel like talking much. I can keep control on my facial expressions but it's a bit tough to do that with the tone of my voice. I am fine with chatting online but I am preferring being invisible. Yesterday a cousin started a chat even while I was invisible. I took some time to think what would happen if I spoke to him. The chat lasted till 1:40 am.

When I am saying that I am ready and willing to take all the responsibility of everything that happens relating to me, many people are taking it for granted that everything can be thrown at me. Some days back my mother asked me if I had written letters to somebody. It seems there was a complain that I did. My first response was "Letters?". I said I didn't write any. Then I recollected that a day before my father had asked me if there were some mails exchanged. I replied in negative, but I didn't think much about it.

The first letter given in person was in January 2006. Then a year later, a friend forwarded an article. Then a couple of months after that, there was a message sent through 'Orkut'. If anybody had found this as bad, I could have been told. The way my mother asked me looked as if she was angry that I wrote "letters". It made me cry that this became a matter of grave concern. I didn't know I was a cause trouble with the three so called letters. I wonder if they were really letters. I don't know who all has read them till now. I feel so embarrassed and insulted.

I wish I could really write a letter and send it. I wrote so many of course. But never sent them. They were just deleted even before being read for the second time. How many people can I explain this to? I am afraid if this continues, even the people who are supporting me now will begin to show indifference. But it all boils down to only one person who, unfortunately, won't speak up. I support this person. I understand how important it is for her to never get into all this. I will keep myself at the receiving end, but I plead that it is not overdone.

All these years I have tried to make myself a better person. I removed so many words from my vocabulary, I kept away from even repeating so many words. Everyday before sleeping I recollect my whole day asking myself for the erroneous things I have done. For many acts done by me I have spent hours thinking if they could be wrong and how the consequences would be. I have discussed so many things with my elders, made so much effort to correct my behavior, learn good manners, etiquettes, and take in every possible good character. I understand that even then I am very much like an average human being with fallacies in me. But after having done so much to myself, after having deprived myself of so many luxuries I could have enjoyed, keeping myself reserved, when somebody questions my character, I simply cannot let that thing go down my throat.

There are various definitions of character we all know. I wonder if even one is understood comprehensively. Just because I started liking a girl in the first year of my engineering, decided that she should be the one I live with all my life with, told my parents about as much as I could when the situation demanded, insisted them to go and talk to the girl's elders, prayed and cried for hours that the proposal is accepted, hoped that things would be in my favor, I don't think makes my character questionable. Please, please somebody teach me if I am wrong with my belief. And also tell me why I can't be relied upon. Please talk.

I Am Calling You

I just asked my brother to close the drawing room’s door and keep quiet. I showed him some pictures of Infosys’s Mysore’s campus and he started asking me several things relating to how my job there would be. He then asked me if I was not going to do MBA and how I could do it if I were joining Infosys the same time of the year next year. I said I am going to write CAT. He asked me or rather said that I was not studying. I asked him if he was studying for EAMCET. He reminded that CAT was in November and EAMCET the next year. And I asked him to close his mouth. He was playing on his cell phone while talking to me.

Yesterday two of my college friends came to my house after 11 pm. I had my glasses resting on the table when I heard the bell ring. My father was out and others were already getting ready to sleep so I went downstairs to check the door. The two guys had moved back to the gate waiting for me to come. I saw them from a distance. As I had no glasses I stared wondering who could come at such a time even while I knew most of my friends do this. I asked them to come up.

Around 2:45 am I realized the time. They both stayed till 5 am and left as we could hear the Fajar Azaan at the nearby mosque. We had serious talks, naughty times and moments of uncontrolled laughter. But it all had only two premises – Infosys and I cannot directly mention the other thing here. The time went racing as we didn’t care of what was going around. Everybody home was asleep after my father came home at 11:30 pm from a marriage function he had been too. Nobody else went to that function for we had a get together at home – home made chicken and mutton biryani from outside.

The day I got selected in Infosys I hardly had any form of jubilant feeling which I could see in many people there. All I could think was my mother’s happiness and how proud she could feel telling her colleagues about her son’s selection into Infosys. Soon after informing I started getting calls from other people to congratulate me. I kept them telling that I am for doing an MBA and Infosys can’t give me what I want from my life.

The next day at my cousin’s reception party I met more people than I had ever met in my life before. They were greeting me. They were telling me how happy they were for me. They also explained me that this is for the first time somebody could get a job this way in the whole family especially when most of the money here has been pumped using foreign currency. I was happy hearing all that but it was not really what I wanted. One of the two things I wanted was just a few meters away from me yet in reality a million miles far, and the other thing, an MBA degree from a premier business school which had just started giving me sleepless nights, started looking blurred. Possibly, that day things began to change for me. They really changed; with the other thing too.

Getting into and working at Infosys seems too easy now and working for CAT seems the hardest thing. The last mock I wrote went so well that I scored 86 percentile and cleared one cut off out of the three. I say that it went well because there was zero preparation behind it and the section in which I cleared the cut off with three extra marks had always worried me. I am cent percent confident that if I study now, I can crack even the toughest paper presented to me. Who will provide me with the motivation I need now? The other thing has got me dejected.

Yesterday I asked one of my friends to remember something very important whether in doing business or in doing a job – if you are not growing, you are bound to fall. There is no such thing as security. Success never stands on a plateau. If the downfall doesn’t come immediately, it’s just a matter of time before we are struck by it. The only way to fight is the keep growing. That’s the only way.

There was something else too which we spoke. It has been running in my mind for long. I have a cousin sister of mine who lives in Austin, Texas. I had spent many of my childhood days with her and she has been like a teacher to me. I remember her once telling me that she wanted to do Phd. and she likes having that “Dr.” thing attached with her name. She got married when I was in my ninth standard and on the 1^st of this month she started teaching in a school there in Austin. Until now she was a housewife. I am glad I have such a good person in my life and if someday I sit down to write the list of people who have influenced me, I would be including her name in the top few. But I feed sad that she has not done her Phd. till now.

This happens with many girls. At their kindergarten age, like every other person, girls do dream of something big – being very rich or achieving so and so things. They grow with the dream in their heart and seldom do they realize that the destiny they are heading to won’t let them materialize it. They get married in their early twenties and the dream is lost. They have no pain of seeing the dream dying – at least as far as I could understand. This is usually what happens in the society I come from.

I know it’s bad. It’s as bad as stepping on ones ideas. It hurts me – it hurts not because the dream doesn’t come true, it hurts because the will to fulfill it dies. I always see a person by the size of the dream he or she keeps and the commitment being put behind it. It’s a different thing if the dream goes unfulfilled. The making of a dream into a goal is important.

I Don’t have sisters. At least my mother has done what she wanted – she is independent and earns to meet everything she wants and more. Alhamdulillah. And I am also glad that she supports and encourages every person who dreams; just that she laughed when I told her that I wanted to buy an island! Though in general, in my whole family, girls have always been taken equal to boys and have been given equally good education no matter how much money the situation had asked for. My two maternal cousin sisters are going some steps beyond this.

If I had a sister I would have supported every dream she could have ever dreamt. It can be a bigger satisfaction to help others achieve their dreams. I wish I could do more with this idea of letting girls keep their dreams alive even after they get married. I can just write it here. It won’t make much difference. I can discuss it with some people I know and those all who will give their ear to me. But still it won’t make much difference. The tragedy will continue. I still wish I could change that idea. I still wish the other thing I mentioned above wasn’t that million miles away from me. I could have kept the dreams alive even after three years from now.

If I join Infosys I will work with them for at least two years. I would be looking forward to leaving this country at the earliest. I was glad when they asked me to keep my passport ready when I join them next year. But my aim is to do an MBA from a very good institute. I would try to pursue something through the company itself. I have always kept myself at an inclination toward management and that’s where I want myself to be destined to go. I like programming, I like being a technical person skilled in computer languages or working with computers for the computers. But that’s not how I want to see myself. I don’t like being called as a software engineer. I never wanted to work for any IT company. I hardly knew of Infosys until I saw their website on the 17^th of July, the day on which I had my interview. I may work with them, but they can’t take me to my goals. I have fixed check-points to be crossed – they come at 5 years and 10 years from now respectively.

But I am sad that things are not going the way I wanted them to happen. I thank Allah for the support I am getting from my parents and other relatives but still I am not getting what I wanted. When I asked everybody to open my heart and see, they cut through my ribs, took a razor-sharp blade and slashed the hard muscle of my heart, and complained about what they saw. They said there was only blood, and some chambers they couldn’t figure out. So sad they couldn’t understand what ran in that blood. They didn’t see what gave motion to it and what resided in the chambers. I wish they could understand that the other thing resided in my blood stream and it can never be removed from it. Colorless blood has never been found in humans.

Lately I have understood that even if I have a backing of a hundred people, one single person can prevent happiness from reaching me. I wanted to show faith, that I can be the one who can make happiness, but there was nobody to listen. I can’t even go and beg for I have to keep the pride and honor of the family. My aunt told me that I am being played with my emotions. I still don’t know what lies on the other side. The person won’t speak up.

I have always used my blogs liberally to convey messages and I thank all those who read it. I found a new reader too who mentioned about me in her blog a few days back. It feels nice to be talked nice about. None of my friends blog; so I can never read what the people who are known to me can write. Two of my cousins write but they are not personal. I am reading the two blogs of my new reader daily and I could relate myself to what she writes. She was right when she wrote a comment on my blog – even on the other side of our planet, there are people we can relate ourselves to.

I am not aware of the presence of any form of human authority above me. I always like people who can think for themselves and take their own decisions. My parents have always encouraged me and my brother to take decisions for ourselves. We have never been stopped or forced, just guided. We both have always spoken our minds without the fear of being scolded or reduced. We have also been given the right to veto if something was not in favor in our house. I strongly believe that that is how a house can be made into a home. The way my parents can question me, I can ask them anything. They have always made me feel their equal even while respecting the age differences and that rights and duties we are bound to live. We have learnt to enjoy the freedom in discipline. Alhamdulillah.

Tell me I am...

There are always things that prompt me to write. Many times it so happens that something hits me so well, it immediately makes me design and phrase how I would be writing it on my blog. But, I somehow think it must happen this way, I lose the desire to really put all that in words or even share it with anybody by the time I finally get hold of the black keyboard. I ran through so many currents today, I thought and tried to understand so much today, I am still not confident of putting it all here. I will try. I don't want to have a reason for that.

After attending the Distributed Systems lab today, I ran to see if I could get some books from the library. It was heart-breaking in a way to find nothing for me there, but I took it well telling myself that its easier to buy them than to spend time here waiting for the books. I know that would make me spend money taken from my parents. I wish I could help. The last time books were being issued, I couldn't come to the college. I had to collect my passport from the post-office and also accompany my mother for some shopping.

Having spent some time with some friends, I went to meet my injured friend along with another friend who had been wanting to meet him. On our way back home, we got caught in a very fiery rainfall. It was not the rainfall that brought chaos on the roads, but the stagnated water. We waited for more than 20 minutes for the rain to slow down. We were happy it was raining. But our bike was already one-third down in the clogged water.

Somehow my friend managed to get the bike out and bring it to a safer side of the street. The tyre, we found then, was punctured. We walked with the bike for about a kilometer before we could get it repaired. The rain which was a drizzle had turned into a heavy shower which could drench us by the time we reached our homes. It was almost Magrib when I entered the house and my brother opened the door.

I spent most of my time after reaching home in frustration and despair. I can't hold my patience for long. I found myself loosing my temper frequently, even when I was made to talk something I would have been interested at any other time. I don't want to discuss things with my parents yet. I wonder if they had forgotten it. I am worried. Allah will decide for how long I am going to wait.

Yesterday I had signed a withdrawal form to take money from my bank account. I had given the form and the passbook to my mother as the account is in the bank she works for. Today she did bring the money but also told me that the specimen signature which I had given to the bank authorities twice is now lost as the manager who was in-charge till now has been transfered. On top of this, the new form my mother asked me to fill had a slip attached to it stating my name and my mother's name on it - the spellings of both the names were incorrect. 'Z' was replaced by 'J'. There were more errors. I agree that Telugu speaking people find it difficult to read 'Z' but I didn't knew they find it difficult to read and write words seeing from a printed passbook.

I was already in a volatile state of mind with things really bothering me from within. An error in my and my mother's name and also the irresponsible behavior of the bank in losing my signature got me angry. I thought discussing the fallacy with my father would calm me down but my father was somewhat in support of the bank. Even my mother was. I had some arguments but the moment I realized that anger was getting out-of-bounds, I closed my mouth shut. I allowed my parents to say what they had to and I stayed calm. even till now I am still hoping that I understand how the bank is not wrong when it can lose my signature. I can't seem to get the point in my head. I can well cry in search for this wisdom. I am crying for bigger things already. Allah knows it all best.

I have fixed deposits in my name in the bank. I have had this account for more than nine years now and I have also used to as a proof of address to get my passport. Maybe I am still a small customer of the bank, I am not convinced that they can do what they want. The argument with my father is that my father said the bank makes the rules so they can do anything. He said government offices work this way. I am still in search of wisdom.

I am asked where I stand today, my answer would be "between tears, pride and intellect". Whatever brain I have draws a line between emotions and rationality, and tells me that I need to strike a balance in such a fashion that both look equally important and satisfactorily appealing. Pride says I must look ahead and kill every piece of emotion in me. Tears say that I must cry until the fear and pain is no more.

I am happy. At least today. Now. If tomorrow comes with tears in it, I will seeks the help of the intellect part of where I am standing. If that doesn't work, I will try for some pride. But I know, in any case, I will stay with the third contender. It gives what laughter can't provide - satisfaction. I am very happy that Allah has brought me till here. That itself is a miracle. I won't question him. I don't have a right to do that.

Unlike yesterday I couldn't go to sleep early today. I wanted to but the frequent power failure kept me away from completing all I wanted to do. It went off twice while I was writing this blog. Even the browser keeps on getting stuck every few seconds. It looks as though they are testing my patience. I am glad I am fine. Small things won't perturb me. I can't put into words Allah's greatness. I am not checking today's post for errors. I don't do it always.

Playing Russian Roulette With My Days

If I had anything in my stomach today morning, it would have easily buster out. My mouth was continuously secreting lots of saliva and I had the typical vomiting sensation I couldn't bear. I somehow got ready for the college and waited hoping that I would be fine. I was sure that anything put into my stomach would come out so I asked my mother not to keep anything for breakfast on the table. She kept my lunch box ready. I couldn't go to the college either. But as I was expecting, and I knew it would happen, I was fine in some time. Just that the time taken for that "sometime" to come stopped me from going to the college.

I slept a lot the whole day. At one moment I even had prayers going on in my sleep. I was glad things were coming out of my heart and they were not superficial. Like a tear we sometimes try to stop from appearing in our eye, I had to control showing my joy of having my prayers within the idea and principle of integrity. Their acceptance is Allah's will. Allah knows whats on the other side. I don't.

I have been having many things being said to me by my parents. My father probably knows how serious I am. He kept calling me all day to find out how I was doing. In an SMS he sent me today he asked me not to worry. That made me realize that some of my mental state is a reason for the strain in my stomach. Alhamdulillah I am fine now. But I am worried. I am apprehensive but hoping for the best. Maybe by the time I wake up tomorrow morning, things would be already said. Or maybe not. Allah knows if there is more waiting ahead for me.

I don't mean to shock or hurt anybody. I know things will be different once the answer is taken - whatever way the answer goes. I wish I could write all that here. I can see only one way. If that is blocked...

I don't remember when it was the last time I had my dinner before 9:30 pm. I had it so early today. I was feeling hungry. My mother had taken leave from her office and so she kept the food ready early. I ate as much as I could and I will need some good time before I can feel my stomach fine again. Its very heavy right now.

Today my father explained me how bad it can be for me to sleep late in the nights. I know he is right even though I resisted what he was telling. He warned me that this could someday become a reason for bigger illness. I know he is right. I will heed to his words. InshAllah.

I read some blogs today. I have them saved here as bookmarks. I found some very interesting and others very dumb. I was amazed how they could attract so many comments. I wondered if I was lacking something in my blogs. I tried to be unbiased. I couldn't help understanding. There was so much crap written and there were comments telling that it was wonderful, sweet, thought-provoking and what not. But yes, there was definitely something I understood. If I had my blogs being written with a girl's name, I would have had many, many comments on each of my posts! So pathetic. Am I really dumb?

Please

Yesterday and today I uploaded some pictures taken during my cousin's marriage. I used Picasa and I am listing the links here. I have also put the albums on the family blog.

http://picasaweb.google.com/xubayr.z/ZeeshanBhaiSWedding?authkey=qgzBUuRjHmk

http://picasaweb.google.com/xubayr.z/ZeeshanBhaiSWedding02?authkey=3eApHTZCugE

I continue having problems with the browsers. I will once try the Microsoft System Restore. If that doesn't work, then it would be time to go for a partial system recovery using the HP software on the disk. The last time when I tried for such a thing, I found some problem with a missing fine and I had to do a complete recovery using the recovery disks. It had given me lots of pain in recovering the data lost. InshAllah this time things won't be so bad.

I had my thind mock CAT today. It was fine except for the quant section. I was comfortable and satisfied with english and data interpretation. Somehow I was not at all in a mood to sit there for two and a half hours time and complete paper. But when I got into it, I forgot the time. I was glad finiding the english part so easy.

My aunt and two cousins left for US today. In fact they will be boarding the aricraft at 11 pm. It was nice having them here for a couple of months. I met regularly and had good times we will be cherishing for long. I have no calculations of when we can get along together.

My friend who met with an accident on 17th is fast recovering. His stitces will be removed on 2nd inshAllah. I hope to see him back in action soon. I had a talk with him on phone when I was at my aunt's house. I can summarise our talk in a single word - fun. It had other meanings in it only we understand. I didn't like a few things he said.If I am going to continue not liking what he said today or not will be decided soon. I want to hate what he said. I am waiting. Praying.

The luxury of being zubair

I started something a little while ago but found having problem with the browser here. There was some weired spacing happening between the words. I am using Opera for some days now. Mozilla and IE 7 too are there but IE 7 seems to have some problem with Gmail. Mozilla is fine but I liked the interface Opera has. There is some general problem with browsers on my computer. The connection is fine. Something stops me from navigating easily between tabs.

Some weeks back the talk in my house was about my relatives coming to India. Now a days its about their departure. The only times I spent with my aunt who is here from Mecca is when we met at the marriage ceremonies. I feel bad the I couldn't go to receive them. Neither am I able to meet them regularly. Until a few years back they used to stay at my house when in India. Now they live in their new flat. We don't meet unless there is some occasion.

There are hardly any reasonless family gatherings we have now a days. We all are supposedly busy. My parents are busy. The only thing that connects is the phone. Its good enough but doesn't satisfy me. I like meeting people. I like hearing my name being said. I like letting them know that I care for them. That's not happening.

Bigger things are happening. And I pray to Allah that it gives happiness to everybody. I don't want to cause to hurt anybody and at the same time, I want to have happiness in my heart. Even if I sit all my life thanking Allah, I won't be able to satisfy myself. "Thank you" is a too simple phrase. Its too small. some crying does give it substance, but greatness of Allah can't be explained. Those who don't understand this, don't understand what life is.

I don't say I understand life. But I am living it to the best I think I can. Allah has made it all perfect for me. I still can't believe I am living. Tears can't explain my gratitude for Allah. I have learned not to get overwhelmed publicly. I can Alhamdulillah control some emotions. Sometimes its nice not to hold! Allah knows best.

I won't breath until...

I didn't write anything about my cousin's marriage. My two cousin sisters who got married some months back were written a lot in the blogs - not only this one but also the family blog. Somehow, I still won't be writing anything this time. There is too much to be written and I am sure I will end up being biased. I can't answer the question of how I can be biased. Those who know, know it. I am waiting.

There is some person I badly need to talk to. But I can't. That person won't heed to me and I have also given my word that I won't try to talk as long as we are into our engineering. There are things I have to discuss with my parents. I can do that anytime. But the only thing that troubles me is that I don't want them to come to know so much through others. They have always trusted me and I already told my father once that I am hiding something form him. He has a fair idea of what it is and he has no problem with it. He knows that I will let him know everything when I feel that the time is right.

According to what I had wanted, the time is not right. But time had done different things here. I don't control it. Allah has charge of everything. I find unbelievable things happening with me and around me. I am open now. I don't even know from where it started - who said it first, to whom, who all know it, who thinks what. I am sure nobody knows the right things in the right way. But to my astonishment, they all are positive. They talk about it among themselves but they never tell me whats going on. I wanted to have things said by me. The right things - that it is only me responsible for everything. That I am the one who should be questioned if at all something is found wrong. I don't know what lies inside. I don't know what lies ahead.

I meet my elders. They know about me. They smile at me. I sit with them. They stare at me. They look happy with me. But they never talk about it. I try to behave normal. I try hard. I know it shows. I love them. They are important to me. I never meant to hide things but I found that somethings are to be said only when there is substance in it. How can I share it when I myself don't know what resides on the other side of my story? I can't tell them I have been spending all this time thinking myself as a looser and then suddenly things have become so critical. I had become used to loosing.

Since the time I got selected by Infosys, life has changed. I am looked at as a very good student, as a person who is very confident of his future and who is going to do something big. I have my dreams. I will achieve them no matter what happens. InshAllah of course. I am confident about my future. No doubt. Alhamdulillah. But they don't know that there is something I want and it keeps on hurting me. I will never be able to explain my seriousness to so many people. I do understand that I don't have to explain it. But I am 'me' and I have always been doing it. There are people out there ready to forget some rules just because it is 'me'. It is getting complicated day by day. I am being spoken and I don't know what exactly is being talked.

I took the liberty to write all the above lines. It was necessary. For me. To relieve myself. Some people will read it. Maybe my cousins, some friends. I know I don't have to justify. My cousin brother who got married said the same thing - don't justify. He is sweet. He has always been so. I don't want anything to go wrong. I will take the 'wrong' on me if necessary. I am not fooling around here. Things matter to me. Its so easy to smile.

I respect everybody and I thank them for the positiveness they are showing towards me. But I want them to know that I have no idea what lies on the other side. I don't know if I should explain them what all I did in the last two years and that it was all done only by me. Just me. If somebody is impure, its only me. Nobody else. I don't know if I can explain anybody that there is some person to whom I want to tell a billion sorries but that person won't listen to me. Is that a punishment? I will take it. But please let me know that it is a punishment. Everyday I live, I understand that Allah is greater than what I had thought Him to be the previous day.

I don't know your heart

So many things go unsaid and unwritten. I don't know if I am growing but I do know that I am not at a standstill. I am moving ahead - at least in some good and accepted direction. Its totally a diffet think to find out if that is what I want or not. But I am going fine. Alhamdulillah. For the things I missed on the blog in these few days, I wrote post on Flowing Emotions and names it as "Welcome To My Heart". It is a nutshell to several thoughts and gravity. It has vagues reasons in it.

I don;t have much to write. I never had in fact. I used to seek things that could be written. I never forged anything. I just put into words all that I had in my eyes. I tried to do it. Its again a different thing if I did it to reality or not. But itw as good and satisfying. There has never been any deception in it.

I am not happy with the way things have spread. Though nobody complains, though everybody seems to be happy with me, I know things shouldn;t have become so open so early. I wanted to be the word of my own and talk for myself. I don;t understand why the word had to come in the air without my knowledge. It is sad to know what others think now. I don't know if they speculate, but like always, half knowledge is dangerous. Allah knows best. I only seeks His guidance and worship him. Its He who decides. My duty is to accept. I am happy for that.

You don't have to remember anything when you say the truth

There are many truths I can derive from the facts today. My purpose of writing for today is to thank Allah for not just letting me get selected by Infosys, but also for letting me have the right people and energies around me. It was way back in 1999 when I attended a workshop on personality development that I was exposed to many ideas I could hardly understand. Perhaps I did understand them then, but I didn't get why they were necessary and why I should be happy if people laugh at my words coming from my heart.

Today on my way back to home from the college I realized the difference that workshop and the subsequent books I have read all these years. I also understood that it was so important that I could talk to my father on anything and anytime and also have some very good cousins, uncles and aunts. All these years of my life has kept effecting me continuously. Only that I realized some fine points today.

The aptitude tests today Alhamdulillah weren't of much difficulty to me. I could finish both of them even before the stipulated time ended. I stood outside the room for the interviewer to call me in. When I was asked to get in, I stood at the door and asked "may I come in sir". The reply was "please wait".

The moment I saw his face, asked him if I could come in, he replied, I absorbed his tone of voice, I was into a relaxation mode. Those 2 seconds explained to me that I can listen and talk to this person and communicate with him on a level I can appreciate. I couldn't believe that twenty minutes at the HR interview could go so fast. I will putting down some conversation I had with him. I don;t remember the exact words, but this is roughly how we interacted.

He: Can you please switch on the fan. Please don't mind.
I: Sure sir.

I got up, went to the switchboard, and the moment I started checking for the right switch, I turned towards him and said "a little while ago there was no power sir".

The one of the fans started spinning. I tried almost all the switches before I turned on the right appliance. I realized that the switch was already and I had not seen it. I hoped he didn't get that.

He asked me if he could call me as Hasan or Zubair. I clicked on Zubair.

He asked me to talk about my family. I told him about my father and brother before he stopped me and asked me other things. I am mentioning a few interesting ones.

He: what is your ultimate goal in your life.
I: To be happy.
He: What do you call being happy.
I: Being productive. Keep learning always ...
He: Productive in the sense having many children?

I laughed and started telling him a few things which he interrupted. Then I asked him if I could tell him about the biggest thing I want to achieve in my life. He allowed.

I: I want to buy an Island in the north Atlantic.
He: Do you know what will be required to buy that?

Here he was possibly checking if I really meant that.

I: It would take $ 5 million to $ 35 million. I have checked it on the Internet and I know that details.
He: How many efforts are you putting in the achieve your dream.
I: I don't believe in putting efforts or in doing hard work.
He: How do you think you can achieve your goal or dream?
I: I strongly believe that as long as I have fire in my belly, the determination to succeed and the longing for it, I don't I will have to think of things like efforts and hard work. If I work for my dreams and if I call it as hard work, then I am possibly on the wrong path. No matter what I do I won't call it as hard work. It will come from my heart and I will enjoy it. It won't be hard work. It won't be effort. It will be my happiness.
He: Hmmm ...

He asked me a question on elevators which I had already thought about once. I had the solution ready with me. But I preferred telling something new. He instead told me his solution which was same as that I had already thought of long back. But I had to fight him and so I showed him that even his solution can't be ideal. Here, I also conflicted with the existing solution I had thought previously. I stood by the side of my answer even when I had not spent any time on it - I had developed it just then. We discussed on the possibilities. We debated a little. It was good.

He asked me another making me imagine myself as a trainee manager. I enjoyed answering that.

Once the interview was over I tried to imagine myself in his place and see if I must be selected. My thoughts worried me. Then I told myself that I did not know what the person was looking was. If it was general communication skills and positivity with good confidence, then I thought I must be selected. Alhamdulillah I am.

I now that all the books I read till now, all that talks I had with my father and my uncle, was the only preparation I had made for the interview. Alhamdulillah I had the right training. Right things came at the right times. Allah has blessed me with probably more that what I actually deserve. How much do I thank him? Even my tears can't say enough.

I informed my parents the moment I was informed about my selection. My mother told to few more people. Even my father did the same. Many relatives have congratulated me since then. I miss my grandfather and my eldest aunt again now. This thing would have made them so happy. I can imagine what their exact words and tones of their voices. I can draw their smiles in my eyes. I can still hear their voice. If only they were here and I could tell them how much they matter. Allah is great.

I want to do MBA. No doubt Infosys is a very good company and I can make a lot of progress if I join them. But it won't get to me my island. After I told the interviewer about my dream, for a second I thought I had made a mistake. He knows that Infosys won't me my island. And if he knows that, then I am not suited for Infosys. In front of truth, he couldn't read between the lines.

I didn't say even a singe lie to him as far as I remember now. Some hours back I had some thing in my mind I had lied. I forgot that. But I had integrity on my side. I strongly believe in the fact that I don't have to remember anything when I have to say the truth. My reply that efforts and hard work are not right would be called as foolish. But I had the truth in my heart and I said it. I was clear. Words were coming from my heart. It was my subconscious mind speaking. I have been training it for years now. I didn't think before speaking because everything was inside me and I was clear with everything. I was myself in the interview.

I have read some chapters from the book "How To Get Your Point Across In 30 Seconds Or Less". While I was reading them, I was imagining myself in several instances and explaining myself how I must deliver. Things got into my subconsciousness then itself. I realize now that all my answers were to the point and were said in 30 seconds or less. Alhamdulillah I could have my subconsciousness speak today.

I have CAT on November 18th. I have to get into any of the top MBA colleges in India. I find it the easier way to get to the island. InshAllah I will be there. I am happy I could make my parents happy.