Do I look like something else?

Yesterday evening we had to attend a wedding function - my mother's cousin was getting married. Even while everybody was getting ready, I kept myself at the computer. I simply was reading something when I made up mind that I will stay home. I had no specific purpose for such a feeling - I wanted to stay home. When I told my parents, my mother started with a little scolding.

My father asked me a 'why?'. I said 'simply'. That was the only reason I had. I explained to my mother that there are times when we have to attend such functions and I really feel like attending them but we don't go because she or my father feel the otherwise. She as angry with me. But this was not all.

I was at the computer with my father and mother in the bedroom talking something. I could hardly hear them but I managed my mother's last sentence. She said to my father that she will never search for any girl for me to get married and I will have to do it myself. I was dumb-struck. I simply couldn't get why she had to say such a thing and in what way it was related to me not going to wedding party. But relating to a little past, I knew I had the answer.

My parents are sure that I am into some affair with some girl - most probably some friend. And yesterday they were thinking that I had to talk to that girl and so, I wanted to stay home. Though they never spoke to me on such a thing or never tried to find out anything - as far as I know - the trust my father has in me perhaps tells him that I will let him know whenever I find it appropriate. Only I know I have nothing of that sort that I may say.

I have spoken to my father several times on love-marriages. My mother keeps mentioning about me and my brother getting married and the related kinds of things. On last Saturday she was telling my aunt that she should have enough money to get me and my brother married. My aunt told my mother that she has sons and not daughters and her sons will take care of everything. But my mother said she will do what all she can do. I was sitting next to her behaving as if they are talking about some person I have never met.

Some days back I was thinking how nice it ca be if I could get rid of the internet connection I have with my computer. A couple of days back my mother said that I am not studying ans so there should be no such connection. I didn't say a word but like it happens every month, she gave me the required money I might be needing to clear the monthly bills. I hardly meant what she said. But I could see a mischievous kind of smile on her face expecting me to burst out. She was probably thinking that I would ask her to keep the connection so that I can chat with the girl I am having an affair with.

Please. I am not a part of any such thing. I am not in love with any girl and also I am not aware of any girl having such a thing for me. I can never even think of having any such relationship. I hate the concept of girlfriends. Allah save me. I don't know if I can explain my parents all this. I don;t even know if I really have to clear things with them. The best part is that, even after thinking that I am into something like that, they are not asking for any explanations, nor are they trying to stop me. Alhamdulillah.

Things have always been kept casual and open between me and my parents. I know there are things I had to hide from them but if I compare myself with other people I know, I know that I am more transparent. transparent in a way that makes my parents know about me - as much as I want them to know about me. But now a days, they are making thoughts of their own.

But I feel fine about this. It is not a bad problem to have. In fact I might reconsider terming it as a problem. But if my mother really means what she told my father yesterday, then I can see something bad for me. Now, again I do not know if that can be bad. I also feel like laughing aloud. But I don't know how exactly I must react. Thinking Allah is always the best thing. He has always kept things in my favor - in some way or the other.

Wednesday evening I left for my grandmother's place. My uncle and aunt had to go out to attend some party and my grandmother had to stay home. My mother asked me if I am willing to give my grandmother some company in the evening as she would be alone at home. I agreed. I had the option of coming home back after my uncle arrived, I chose to spend the night there. I spoke and listened to what all my grandmother had to say for a couple of hours - and I liked that. Then I spent the same number of hours talking to my uncle. The next day - yesterday - I went to my college to take a copy of my intermediate mark-sheet. Three of my friends came over and I had some good time with them.

On my way back home I had to check out at the local RTA office for the RC of the two-wheeler my father had bought some weeks back. I was asked to come at 4 pm. When I reached home my father told me that I was stinking. I knew I badly needed a bath but hearing that I was stinking was embarrassing. I took a shower, had my lunch and slept. The previous night, though I had gone to sleep early, I remember being awake till 2 am.

I am happiness!

I spent almost all of my evening smiling and laughing sitting in front of the computer. There wasn't much I did today except washing the car but I am happy. Alhamdulillah. I had grilled chicken in dinner and it was heavy. But I feel like eating something more now. I will have some biscuits before I go to sleep. I even had the first of mangoes today - first for me this summer.

Information is a strategic resource

Yesterday it was definitely 3 am by the time I finally hit the bed, and I woke up 5:01 am exactly. I remember that from the alarm in my phone. The fajar azaan too started exactly the same moment. I couldn't leave the bed immediately given that I am not used to sleeping so less. I lay there with half my body hanging down from the edge of the bed and resting on the floor which was unfortunately warm. If I were so conscious of my surroundings and milieu, it would have surely reminded me of the ruthless summer. I hardly slept in those two hours.

While I was writing my second theory external - Computer Graphics - there came a time when I had to search for a dry area on my hand kerchief. I was sweating hard. I could feel sweat accumulating near the hairy union of my eyebrows located just before the start of my bulky nose below the frowned forehead. I could feel it take a down hill from there rolling onto the oily skin of my nose and waiting at its tip to gain weight and fall down. I was always the victor in avoiding even a drop to fall off the tip onto the examination paper.

The last 20 minutes of my stay in the examination room were without the fan working. Not that I was sitting below the wind-machine but it was definitely circulating some air. The 20 minutes were terrible. The power had let us down. I was much into the questions working on them so that they could work with marks-machine. The examiner. I am confident she would give me my share. I managed a decent chunk of the pie - of 8 essay answers.

It was 2:45 pm when my father reached home and saw me staring at the computer screen. He had called my friend on my way back home and asked for me. I had not received his calls on my phone and my mother had already started to sing her fears till then. He didn't ask me about the time I had reached home. Only I knew he arrived 25 minutes after my arrival. When I came out of the college, my phone had five missed calls. I checked them belonging to my parents. I knew they would call again. My father had to call my friend because I showed my class by forgetting to bring my phone from silent mode to general.

Its 1:01 am now and I can still feel my taste buds tasting of 'khidchi - kheema' combination. I had more than a liter of water in the last one hour and I guess I will have more after writing this post. I have the fan throwing air on me and sweat on my forehead explaining that fan is not a solution. I have no more solutions at home. A better possible solution is to think of something else and not the solution.

When it comes to thinking, I am sure even this sweat will be amazed. The sweat wouldn't know that a few inches away from the place it is moving around is a bed of neural circuits that can obtain insane obsessions that can make the rest of the fulcrum forget about the sweat itself. Not just the sweat but all the flowers of the ocean. The ocean being the one of levers and machines and human beings. Save water. I am doing good.

All this time of my fingers groping on the keyboard for the right keys, the wires starting at the head-set points of my computer system were ending in the two ears with two small magnets surrounded by foam. I was wired to some Hindi music. After I lost my playlists and the much relished English songs, Hindi ones are the only tracks that are finding me interested in.

I am private now

It was 1:04 pm when I published the last post and it is 12:06 now (of Sunday). I had my dinner around 30 minutes back and I really don't know what I should write now. I also have in my mind that I don't have to think about who is reading my blogs - two of the most sensitive ones are private now. I sent open invitations to those of my friends and relatives I could think of. I know there are people beyond who read regularly and I do want them to read it. I don't know their ID. So, if anybody reading knows somebody who has to be invited, please let me know. I have no big reservations. But I do know who needs to be kept aways.

It was big decision to make the blogs private. I had initially thought of deleting everything and had completely forgotten that blogs can be made private. Thanks to one of my friends reminded that. There is a kind of security and warmth I feel with thing being private but I can also feel some sort of discomfort - I will get over it soon inshAllah.

I spent some time at my grandmother's house. I was missing my grandfather and I felt a little nice being there - though his absence makes the house look empty. He was life that could spread life. Even on Friday I was kind of missing him so I had been to visit my grandmother. Later that night my mother asked me if it was necessary for me to go there leaving my brother alone at house. I thought of explaining that I was missing my grandfather. But I knew she wouldn't understand that - I didn't expect her to - and so, I didn't tell her anything.

After a while... After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn...

Veronica A. Shoffstall

I am not bad. Please

Yesterday I reached home around 2:15 pm after writing the first of the five theory external examinations. I had a terrible head ache even when I was writing the exam and also after reaching home. I could also feel a lot of pain in my neck and also the cheek bones on my face. I tried sleeping but couldn't get the exact posture for my head that would help me relax. I got some sleep in the evening but that couldn't relieve me of any pain. I slept again after 2 am. The previous night I had slept for a little less than two hours.

Today I came home sometime back from my grandmother's house. I felt like meeting and so I went there at 5 pm. I sat with her spoke for sometime. As I was going there, I also took with me a pen-drive and the CD of service pack 2 of Windows XP. I copied the contents of the CD onto the drive and right now that thing is getting installed on my system.

Today will most probably my mother's last day in Nalgonda Dist.. She totally had to go there for 5 days and she divided them into 3 sessions. She had to do some inspection work at the District Co-operative Central bank of that place.

Yesterday after the exam was over one of my friends was hit by an auto-rickshaw. It ended up in a small fight. My friend got hurt on his hand. I stood at a distance from the place which was surrounded by my other friends. I didn't know what to do. I stood there and watched smiling. There was no necessity to fight. The best thing my friend could have done was punching the driver hard and leaving that place. But they both were mud-slinging.

Today I woke up at 7:30 in the morning. My parents were leaving at that time and I had to keep an eye on the servant maid. I slept again after 9 am when my brother woke up. I was up again after 12 noon but kept myself on the bed till 1 pm. I am nearly sure that I am having some problem with my head - it is aching again.

I want to come to a point form where I can say "it really don't matter now"

Priorities invariably play a very imperative role in a person's life. If something bothers me would only let me know that it makes a difference to me and it is verily there on the ladder of priorities. It is a ladder because with time, people and maturity - inanity including - those 'priorities' keep moving up and down. The problem starts the day any one or more of them get stuck at on of the steps of that ladder. I refer to the things that refuse to change but should change. On top of the ladder one is supposed to have religion and parents so the top never attempts to differ. The rung just below that is the critical place that can make or break.

When my priorities cause to break me, it perhaps means that I couldn't be the kind of person I wanted to be and I need to revisit the moral codes of conduct I was attempting to follow. I don't say I have anything concrete decided but my mind-set guides me to some logics and they can be erroneous. It makes me poignant. The whole of me. That amounts to self-destruction. There is no excitement in self-destruction.

Before dinner I spent almost 30 minutes on the terrace again. The was only the moon to be seen. I don't remember the presence of any diamonds in the sky that sometimes make me feel offended when they twinkle. It looks as though they are smiling with some unknown mischief and mocking at me. I didn't feel that today and so, I am sure there were no stars in the sky.

When I was walking up the stairs my mother asked why I wanted to go there in dark. I said "simply". My brother asked if he could accompany. When I asked him a why, he said "because it is dark up there". I said it doesn't matter. Yes how can darkness matter when the 40 watt fluorescent tube was pinching my eyes. 20 minutes after my stay upstairs, my mother called me again. She had a kind of tone one would have when he or she is asking happily a beloved person to stop doing something that makes him very serious for that moment and he is not supposed to be that way. Though I didn't see her face when she called for me, I am sure she had a smile then.

I asked her why she was calling me. Instead of answering to me, she told my father what I was asking. Sometime later my brother called me for dinner and I heeded. And responded in a few minutes. I finished the dinner with my parents. My mother asked me why I ate so less. I ate enough. Usually I don't eat so fast, this time I did. And I was asked for eating less.

I thought somebody would come online and I would chat. I found nobody. I am sure all my friends are studying for the exams. The first of these externals is the toughest one for me. It is all Allah's will. I wanted somebody to talk to. Nothing particular in ideas. Just about something to make myself feel that I am not lonely. I asked my father if we could go for a stroll outside. He agreed. Then I said we will drop the plan. I had no plans to tell him anything in particular. I just wanted somebody to be by my side. And walk with me.

I can't bear to be fooled by a person who might be on that priority ladder. It would hurt me. Hurt my ego; hurt my heart. Heart my soul. It would hurt even more because I don't feel like weeping. It feels as if everything is over and it is only me that is left. Sometimes not even the memories. Not that I had many. And not that I know that I have been fooled. But it matters and I don't know why. And I don't see if the knowledge too could make any difference.

Teach me wrong from right...

Today I waited to see the sun set. I went to the house's terrace around 6:30 pm and my eyes incidentally fell on the orange sun rays streaking out of some clouds and moving up into the sky. The sun was nowhere to be seen with clouds hiding it completely. When I had a look at it from the other side of the terrace where the number of concrete structures was a little less, I found the orange ball glowing from behind the clouds.

I started staring at it and it was clearly apparent that the huge ball was moving down. Slowly it came to a point there were no clouds to obstruct the complete profile and I could also see a big dot and a line on the orange surface. I thought it was something the earth that was coming in between. It was something on the sun itself. As the time kept ticking the visibility was decreasing as the structures around my house were hostile to my view. I had to climb onto the top of the over-head tank. I saw the sun for a few more minutes. I even stretched myself standing just on my feet to keep it in my eyes. The earth moves and so the sun has to set. Life moves on.

I got down and went inside the house. People say we don't have time to reflect and the time to look at beautiful things of the nature like the sun setting. People keep saying such thing only because hearing them sounds good. It says that we don't have time, and that we are busy. We are never so busy. It is just an excuse. We don't need a beach or a smooth horizon to see the sunset.

I have always wanted to live by some set of fixed rules. I do have my religion but I thought having something designed by myself based on my religion would make me follow them better. Once I even started writing them down, but something stopped. I don't member what it was but it was powerful. I thought it could embarrassing too. Once I even thought of writing all my dreams and goals on some paper. I was supposed tow rite it down and read it every day twice. It is a technique proven to be effective. Unfortunately I didn't do it - bad on my part.

I once wrote about me being mentally invulnerable. The article still stands on one of my other blogs. It was a kind of exaggeration but it was supposed to boost my morale. I read it quiet a few times after I wrote it and it did meet its purpose. Then I stopped reading it.

A couple of days I sat to read my old posts on this blog. At several instances I wondered if I was the very person who had written all those things. It was sometimes quiet unbelievable to see that I could ever be so emotional and sometimes maudlin too. Things were naive at many places. The naivete was a necessity. It helps grow. It heps develop sophistication. It thats what I need presently!

From tomorrow my mother would be going to Nalgonda district for 3 continuous days. Two weeks back she had to discontinue her trip there as her head-office got a new MD and he was asking for some meetings. Presently my mother is handling two sections in her office one of them being the long term loans section. I don't know about the other one. She has prepared some curried already and had stored them in the freezer. These will relieve her of some cooking for at least two days.

In last few days I have lost a lot of material from my computer. A lot of that was deleted on purpose too. I lost a good amount of written material when I had to format my hard-drive. Yesterday I made many deletions to the files and blogs existing on google's servers. I deleted two blogs and some mails with attachments. I have lost a very important file. I still have to search for it and see if is there in my Inbox. I am sure that one of my friends has it.

I spent some good time on searching a good picture for my profile on blogger. I made the search through google images. I searched for "gold", "gold coins", "crystals", and many more things. I narrowed down to the one that exists on the right side on this blog. I found nothing much in it except that it has the Mercedes symbol and that I found it under the search for diamonds and crystals. For me, the key-chain represents nothing but the search! I had to put something and I chose this. It has no much logic in it.

I had been wanting to create a back up for all my blogs. May be someday I might feel like removing them all from the internet. I don't have service pack 2 on my computer and it is necessary so that I can install Office 2007 on my computer. I have the original CD for SP 2 but I don;t have a CD ROM! I have no ideas to buy one. I don't find real necessity. Pen drives make up for most of the transfer media. And they are fast and good.

My sleep in the night was terrible. The first one hour after I went to bed around 2:30 am was the worst. I think I even woke up shouting something once. My father was awake then and he heard it. I didn't ask him what I shouted. I was getting some vague dreams I remember and I know what they were about. I am not going fine.

Destruction is exciting

I thought I was not going to write for today. It is already 2:13 am and some hours back I was thinking of hitting the bed early. I didn't do anything much all this time but what I did was important - something I must have done a long time back. A search on google.com with my full name was supposed to give my blogs' links in the first 10 returns - it did till now. When google's web crawler comes across this the next time, it will make some changes to the indexing on my blogs.

I went to the college, met my friends, tried to study a little, spoke a lot and returned home at 9:45 pm. I had been to my grandmother's house too and also a friend's house at 9 pm. The only productive thing that happened with me today was that I got some notes photocopied. In fact two of my friends did it for me.

I thought some people are more intelligent than me. Now I don't understand if my thinking was at fault or my perception of that people has changed. I like being associated with those who have better brains than me - I always liked that. It won't change.

Allah knows it all ... He knows me; more than what I know about myself

Today I started watching Mission Impossible. I started. I see movies at home in parts! It will take another two sitting before I can say I have finished watching it. Hilarious! I know.

Tomorrow I might be going to the college. The reason would be that some of my friends are coming and I felt a bit 'not-so-good' staying at home today. I know this is hilarious again!

There are many more hilarious things happening around. Some are supposed to be very serious. I hardly thought about them today but did talk about them to some of my friends. It was necessary. I won't give reasons like I am very much human. That again would become hilarious.

There was nothing significant that happened today. Perhaps this was one of the most trivial days in the last ten. And there is nothing hilarious in it.

My hands and fingers simply went to the mouse and the keyboard to get me to the edit page of my blog in blogger.com else I wouldn't have written anything today. I am very much my own self and there is nothing wrong in me. I thought I would be writing something big today but as it appears, it was limited to the thinking. My hands and fingers didn't resemble my thinking. It happens. Many times.

Read: My blog is my character ... almost

Many times when a person goes for a job interview he is asked to talk about himself. I was wondering how a person can talk about himself without telling good - things in his favor. If he goes on to tell the bitter things in him then he would hold no chance of getting the job. And we all know that it is considered insane to talk good things about ones own self. I couldn't get the point how a person can be given a job on what he tells about himself.

There was something more interesting I was pondering upon. I see many people getting married - I see some marriages closely when they are of my cousins or close relatives. I often find that the guy selected (if it happens t be a cousin sister's marriage) is judged chiefly based on what all the parents come to know about him through others. Character of that person is said to be the most important thing. And it is also an essential matter to have a clear idea of that person's financial position - obviously because money is what everybody needs and many love.

To the best of my abilities to think, I don't think that a person's character can be judged merely asking a few people who know him. But the only thing that can be judged is something which is more apparent - money. Status can be flaunted in many ways. I am not aware of a single method to flaunt good character. Especially when somebody is in this scenario.

I have even seen some absurd judging done in colleges by lecturers. Now in no way am I writing that something unfair has happened with me in th recent past or the present. I have a different objective here might never be accomplished! Some lecturers see a student, look at the face, maybe even consider the marks, and decide the character of the student. I can list easily list out several people who score less than average but are better people than many others. I also know people who score a lot but ... I must not write much about them. Else, someday, somebody might question my character.

I have always tried to make my blogs a mirror of mine. And so, I wrote as much as I could. And more precisely, as honest as possibly. And for that reason I have been questioned too and even ended up being hated sometimes. Today I told a friend sorry for something I wrote about him some months back. In fact it was a complete post blasting at him.

My blogs give my character. I have always believed in being a person with an ice berg kind of outlook - ten percent visible to everybody and the rest hidden beneath the water but still accessible to anyone who wills to get closer - friendlier. But today as I write all this, I know I have crossed many lines. Perhaps I have only ten percent hidden and the rest open. Open, unshielded, unprotected from any possible threats and heat. I do sweat because of that heat quiet often now. But I am glad I have integrity on my side. I am not fooling anybody. I am not fooling myself.

I have written many times how I was a fool, how I didn't think before doing so and so things, I have mentioned that I am a lazy person, I have also stated how I can justify my inabilities. I have written as many bad things I could about myself. All with the purpose of becoming a transparent person. I have well been told sometimes that I wrote a little too much and ironically I have felt good about it.

I have always wanted to master the art of writing. I would never master it even till the time I die. But I have been putting some efforts and inshAllah I will continue doing so. Whenever I was hiding something in my words, I knew I was doing it. Whenever I was being tendentious, I knew I was. Even now when I write things that may or may not make sense, or may look completely irrelevant, I know I am doing it. That it my objective for today.

If someday some person reads my blog for the first time and complains to me that I write crap, then I would say "half of what I write is crap; but it is necessary so that the other half reaches you". If he says I am trying to flaunt some thing - some precise things, then I would surely ask "are you reading my blog for the first time? I have been doing it since the day I started writing. I had only one premise."

Every post I write, has in some way or the other, 'this' premise I talk about. I know I am not literally talking about it. But those who know me know what is inferred. Yes this thing - those who know me - it makes a whole world of difference. Those who don't know, can surely think me as a bad person. I remember a person calling me mysterious not once but several times. We are great friends now - nobody can believe how great.

I know my behavior is not like that of others. Especially the way I always prefer keeping my head down while walking in the open, giving as much respect as possible to people when I talk even if they are the closest friends of mine (the way I use 'aap' for everybody irrespective of the relationship and age difference), the way I dress always. I know one or more of these thing can make me appear like mysterious. I don't see how my character can be questioned. Now, in no way am I saying that somebody has done it. I have a premonition and I want to ward it away even before it knocks me out.

My brother who is a lot more than four years younger to me knows how we both brothers are different from others in the way we treat each other. On several occasions he has termed me as strange and I liked it. I liked it because I do treat my brother quiet differently than others treating their siblings.

My parents, especially my father, is more often like a friend to me. I have shared almost everything about me with him. I couldn't let him know the premise. I have that guilt always that I have to hide this from him and my mother. I can't explain how much I tell them about me. I can't describe how close I am to them yet how that premise effects things.

Some days back one of my friends was staring at some girls and appreciating them. I immediately started a debate about this - staring at girls with no reason. He, along with another friend, argued that it is normal for men to look at girls this way. I asked if I was not normal if I don't have the same belief. The answer I got from them was a 'yes'. To be frank, I liked when they said I am not normal - especially for this reason that I don't like looking at any girl except for when I have some valid reason and I hardly find valid reasons for this. I took being called 'not normal as a compliment.

For the first time in my blog - in all the blogs I have - I will mention something like this; I won't repeat it again: one of those friends was a girl and she too said that it was normal for guys to look or stare at girls. So, I did take it as a compliment. I can't simply imagine myself looking at a girl with no reason.

Now, one could say that I am praising myself here. Yes I am doing that. I started todays post with something mentioning about this. I am talking about myself. I am talking about what people have to tell about me. I am talking about these people who are good friends of mine. I break one of the rules I had for my blogs just to explain a point that I am not like the other guys. Yes, this might sound absurd here - me calling myself different from other guys. Again somebody might say I am praising myself. That person doesn't trust me.

The reason for what I did - wrote - the above was the premise again. That premise has made me start writing in blogs. It has changed my life. And if that premise tells that everything I write relates to it directly sometimes and sometimes indirectly, I will agree without a doubt or a question in my mind. Thats the premise. And if the premise says that my talking and writing about it defames it, then it is going to hurt me more than how many things could hurt because I remember that when that thing became my premise I fell from grace. I was humiliated. I lost all the image I had in front of some of my friends who were with me since my childhood. I lost a few friends because of this. I lost respect. I lost pride. My ego was hurt. I felt myself a looser. I cursed myself. It changed my life. But no matter what happens to me or what has happened with me or to me, I can never ever even think of hurting the premise in any way. I would kill myself than do that.

If that premise says that my blogs' existence can be bad for it's image, I will delete all of them - all my blogs with several hundred posts in them; all that had taken hours and hours to be built. If that premise says that my existence is a problem for it, then I am sorry to say I won't 'delete' myself. I know that I belong to Allah and that I have no right over the life he has blessed me with. I can think even when I can be mad. At least here.