Love is blind and madness always accompanies it!

Some days back when my father went to a petrol pump to get his two-wheeler filled, he fell short of change. He had currency notes and the person there wanted a rupee in change. When my father put his hand into his pocket, he took out a pack of mint, 'minto', with the two last pieces in it. He offered it the person there with a smile. The person took one and my father popped the second into his mouth. There was no issue with that rupee then.

My father was explaining to me that every person is nice. All we need is the right approach. Usually people working at such places are stubborn and they don't understand what courtesy is. This time it was different. Very different.

Saturday late in the evening we went t an electronics show at Abids, TMC, and purchased a television. It was delivered to our house the next day. It is Samsung Plano - 29 inches flat. I simply can't resist staring at it! As if that was not enough to make me get more interested in watching television - which definitely I am going to resist successfully - today I came to know that we won an upgrade to the present model. That will be done in the next coming five days.

Today I had the first of my lab externals. It was made very easy for me by Allah. There was some problem with one of the two programs, but after the lecturer checked the code, she found that the algorithm had no fault in it and she marked 'executed' for it. Viva too was easy. Alhamdulillah. I have two more tests to go. InshAllah I will do them well too.

Today after coming from the college I spent some good time with the newspapers. I read some things that are specially made available in the news papers so that they sell. Those 'things' were interesting but more than half of it was crap. Not that I didn't read sensible things - I read about the military developments being undertaken by USA and Russia especially the deployment of missile interceptors by the United States in eastern Europe. There are some ideas of the continuation of the famous cold war. Russia says US is doing it because Russians are upgrading their defense systems. US says the interceptors are for the long range Iranian missiles. There is no proof that Iran is in possession of such long range weaponry.!

The best of His creations ...

Initially I had my reservations when I was told about the pictures taken on the farewell party. When I showed a little frustration none of my friends mailed them to me. I was hardly thinking about them until I saw a few in the college. Now I have more snaps than man other people in my class or elsewhere!

Some days back my brother's friend gave a hard-drive to me asking for the movies I have with me. Today I finally copied them all into it. I copied almost 20 Gb of data. It was irritating to see the system go slow when the copying process was on. I smiled when I thought even the slow speed of my computer can teach me something - patience here! It is working perfectly fine now. Alhamdulillah.

I have been receiving several queries from my cousins asking about the anonymous commenter on our family blog and the only answer I am giving them is that it would be immature to find any conclusions. I may not keep calm for long but presently I see light ahead of me and I am happy. I still have no grudges against that person. Priority works.

I showed all the farewell pictures to my brother. I told him a little about my friends. I showed him some videos. I really see no ideas inside me that would tell me what he might have thought after seeing them. There were things I wanted him to understand. Especially I emphasized extraordinarily on a few pictures and on a video. I am sure those who know me understand this. I asked my father to have a look at them; he was tired, said that he would see them later, then he slept.

In the afternoon two of my college friends came down to my house. We saw the movie 'What Women Want'. We didn't see the complete movie but just the enough part that would entertain us and clear the idea! The movie was nice. Interesting. But senseless.

I have my lab externals starting from Monday. I am a little too much apprehensive about one of the tests - Computer Networks. I guess I will have to spend some time with it tomorrow at least. I have never, or hardly, spent time on studying before the exams. this time it is imperative. I don't want to end up in an impasse.

I don't know how to put the thing I have in my mind now. At times they look foolish, some times very simple. And most of the time they look everything to me. Whenever I use the word 'life', somewhere in my heart I feel something silly or imbecile. I wish to fade my inanity with the light of the coming days. But the 'coming days' I long for never appear. They are blurred by their own light. Maybe I am unreasonable and desperate. I am loosgin my mind.

The reason is simple

On Saturday I finally got a chance to take our four-wheeler to the college. I had never imagined that I would get the permission for it form my parents so easily and also that I could drive pretty well in the traffic. I was a bit apprehensive myself so I had requested a friend to come to my house in the morning and be with me while I drive. He was kind and he helped me. I took it as an achievement. It had remained as a wish of mine to take the car to the college some day and Allah granted me that wish on Saturday.

In the after along with 5 of my friends I went to a restaurant named Bombay Blue at Hyderabad Central. The place was not at all good and the food was over-priced. A few of my friends were grumbling but I thought it as a lesson.

Something similar happened on Monday too - a lesson. In the afternoon a few friends and I happened to go to a friend's house near Lifestyle. We played a lot of cricket and football there (I kept away from football; I believe I need to learn to fight before learning that game!). We were tired and hungry and so, we decided to have a lunch somewhere. On our way we found a small hotel. To be precise it was a punjaabi place. We ordered chicken. After it was served and two of my friends tasted we thought of asking the waiter if it was halaal. It wasn't. We left immediately. I took it as a lesson learnt! That was perhaps the only option.

There are some interesting things going on in the family-blog I keep with a cousin. Some idiot is writing anonymous comments and bugging. He is being too foolish an trying to tarnish r family's image. I do not understand what fun he is finding in doing this but I sincerely hope that Allah guides him. I have written two highly provocative posts since this thing has started. I was impertinent. I had to be. I love my parents and relatives.

Some times I find some problems as if I was confident that they were going to take place. I find myself foolish thinking those things but when they turn into really they really surprise me. I can't be clear in what I am writing, I have to keep a low key on this - I am afraid of loosing something very precious. I do not understand if I should applaud how my brain can work in a few direction sometimes or simply curse myself for thinking negatively. Some possibilities suddenly turn out to be real threats. Especially when they come from the least expected quarters, they put me into deep thoughts.

I have always tried to keep myself distracted from some realities. I have tried to explain people who believed to be true that we are educated people living for ourselves and having faith in Allah and we should refrain from having anything bad or any grudges for any people. But now when these people against whom I was warned threaten to malign me. They become active threats to my happiness and peace. These were the same people I supported and had even fought a few times in favor of. Now they are against. I can't believe their hearts were corrupted when I was being scolded for supporting them. They have cheated me. They were hypocrites.

I am not talking about anything related to my friends. I am very, very happy for having them around me. I thank Allah for blessing them to me. I know I couldn't have had better people.

There is a past that haunts me though I was never a part of it. It has been in existence even before I was born. Today as I write this I think that I have a responsibility now. I know something that can make a lot of difference to my family. The reason that I came to this knowledge is that I started blogging! And I know the reason I started blogging - February 13th, 2005! I have a chance here of being misunderstood. For the same reason I say that there can be a very big difference made. Only two of my friends know it.

I fear doing things when I do not have complete knowledge of what I am doing. Some times some types of knowledge gives me pride. It can be bad and dangerous for me. Today, it is dangerous for many people I live with. It can take me away from some person who I want to ...

I wish I could write all that here. Things have changes and I couldn't record every thing on my blog. It was nice I didn't some things are to be erased. If not erased at least kept hidden inside the heart hoping that nothing happens that could make it blow up the whole peace.

I have a lot to learn in my life. I am just 20. I know I have seen a lot but I don;t know what I have not seen. I don;t know wt others have seen and hide from me. I don't know what others think. I don't know what others think about me. If I could know all that, perhaps it can turn out to be uneasy from those who think, but for me, it cam help set things right. Perhaps thats whatI mean when I say I have a responsibility now. And that I have to cause to make some differences.

A year from now, I can be in two states - dead or alive. If I am alive I can be happy or I will be he saddest person in the world. I am a Muslim and so I don't have the end myself. Alhamdulillah it is that way. I love my life. But sometimes when I stand near the gas stove something from inside of me asks me to try setting the LPG cylinder on fire. Something like a magnet pulls my mind towards it. It creates a strong fury from within asking me to try it for dying seems impossible. Death sometimes looks like a myth. It is not. Alhamdulillah. No doubt in it.

I have felt this force before. Something that drives some machines and shouts louder than my ears can hear. Telling me to do something when I am not doing it and sometimes asking me not to do something when I am doing it. Today itself I was washing my feet when a kind of magnetic pull was stopping me from doing it. It was creating friction in the joints of my hands. I also felt something pulling my hands back from pouring water from the mug. But I could fight it. With ease. It had to be fought. Even the force knew that it would be resisted and invariably defeated. Yet it comes back again and again. Perhaps to remind me of myself.

I wish I could talk to the people I want to. I wish I could tell them what they are for me. I wish I could explain that there are some people who don't want me to be happy and prosperous. Perhaps I could explain that I do not know what exactly pride means and so I can't fight it if it is within me. I long to tell them how I will accept if they called night as day and day as night! Allah decides. It is better that way. Allah is great.

I have typed all the above not thinking about any possible consequences. I do not know if there are any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors in it. All I know is that I have written it. Things have been making a lot of difference to me.

There is a five letter word. Each alphabet creates circles within me whenever I say that word to myself. Those five letters give peace, remove all peace, fight with me, resolve me, make me smile, make me cry. Sometimes I find it difficult to understand if the tears that roll out are out of happiness or pain. If I could distinguish, maybe I can feel enlightened. But I am not sure if that would be worth it.

Compromise is an art not everybody can learn. If I can first battle immaturity, it is only then will I be able to learn how to compromise. It is close to sacrifice - of ego, of time, of love. It is all painful. It is never ending. Allah knows it best. He created everything. Even evil. He created love.

There were a few problems with my computer first and then with the in internet commection and so tha blog had to be left with no updates. Its 9:05 am of Wednesday as I write this. I have to leave for the college in a few minutes.

There were loads of things to be written and also corrected!

If I could let you know ...

The first word that I was going to write here impulsively without any thinking was 'hello'. Then sense came into me and said this is not a chat window where I say something and the other person sitting on the other side of the line replies. This is just a single-lane single-sided traffic!

Since yesterday afternoon I have been experiencing a slow internet connection speed and so today I wrote an e-mail to the customer service department of Sify. They (their executive) promptly replied and asked me to clear the history pages and the cache along with cookies and all temporary internet files. The reply then asked me to try the speed again and let them know if the problem still persists.

I laughed when I read the reply. I replied letting that person know what I am studying and also that I have been using a computer and internet for quiet long enough that I can do these simple things. But still not allowing my ego take over, I did what that person asked me for. As I expected, there was no correction in the speed. I wrote back stating all this and also that I am not naivete. I explained him how he must give a good reply and also correct the problem without letting me know how to do simple things on the computer.

I also told him that I do understand why he has to reply that way. There are many people out there who don't know simple things about the machine they work on. These kind of people also need to be told how to access the control panel. I told him I don't belong to that category. I also told him that I have liked the way Sify has served me till now and I hope that they will continue the good work. I liked the way they replied me in ours of my mailing.

In the evening I played a little football with my brother in the living room. The ball we used was made of plastic - the one kindergarten kids play with. We both played until it went under a divan and my brother didn't feel like going or putting his hands under it. I even talked to his friends today. My brother said they had been calling me 'Don bhai'. One of them was about to save my number on his phone with that same name but refrained when I jokingly asked him why he called me with that. We had some good laughs.

Today I finally finished watching the movie 'National Treasure'. I had been seeing it in parts. I have developed a sort of aversion towards watching movies at home in a single go. I prefer having them in parts giving me enough time to have the right mood!

Yesterday and today my mother had holidays and she was home. It was nice being with her around me. Her presence is cooling for my eyes. Just that I have to listen to so much she always has to say. As I kept reading a book today I understood how well my mother knows about money. I have written about it yesterday on the blog. I furthered my knowledge today about her even more. I am proud of her.

Wise or Conservative?

Some days back when I told my parents that I was not going to the farewell party, they thought I was keeping away from it with money as the reason and they said they would pay for it. I never expect them to know the reason. I refused to take any money even when I could have taken the money and used it for some other thing. There were a few friends of mine who too thought that I wasn't coming because of money. For all of those, I can perhaps mention that today my mother gave me Rs.40,000. It was not cash but in the form of two bank receipts of the money she deposited in my name. She directed that I must be spending it on a specific thing but we both know that that thing hardly takes more than Rs.5000. The rest is mine. I have no intentions of getting it liquidated.

All along these days, I have also told a few of my friends that I neither discourage nor do I encourage the farewell party. Today, I somehow feel that I should have tried to stop it. I should have spoken directly to some people and asked them not to give any money. There were some already who told that they wouldn't give money because I wasn't and I had insisted that they must go ahead with it. I regret not trying to stop anybody. I ended up encouraging. That was my foolishness. I am glad that I kept away form it.

Today I also got to know from my mother a little about how she manages her money. I was amazed to know how meticulously she takes care of her finances and I realized that she is doing a lot similar to what the book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" was saying. Mother understands the difference between an asset and a liability. She knows how a house is sometimes not an asset but a liability. She knows how important it is to have a balanced balance sheet and how important assets. She perhaps also know that an asset is an asset only when it can create income. Perhaps the way she has invested her money till now makes things clear.

My mother never bought luxuries until she had sufficient assets. She gave more importance to assets rather than luxuries. Those people especially from poor and middle-class who do not have financial education try to acquire more and more luxuries because they want to show that they are rich. They end up digging holes in their pockets and acquiring more liabilities in the form of loans and credit-card bills. My mother knew how to save taxes and how the government can eat up a big chunk of her salary if she didn’t knew the rules and laws related to the constitution which can help her save taxes.

Wealth is the number of days is the number of days I can live the same lifestyle I am living if I stop getting money now. There is a golden rule. Those who have gold make most of the rules. My college masters in producing students who are good employees. No doubt so many companies come to my college to hire students. So the college has to create good employers for them. My college doesn’t know how to create employers.

I thank Allah that my mother could teach me so much about money and finances. I remember when she explained me how a penny saved is a penny gained. I have also learned that it is not about how much money you earn. It is all about how much money you keep with you. Money is my mother’s area of expertise. I learnt so mush just by looking at her. When I go to college, study my syllabus and do many things just so that I can get a good job to earn money, I find it necessary that I must learn what money is and how it must be kept! And I am learning. My mother is helping me. My father is unfortunately not interested in money. He knows how to earn what he earns. He doesn’t know what has to be done after that. Many people don’t know that. I can give several examples. But not here!

Until sometime back I felt as if I should break my computer screen’s glass or take the car, go for a drive, drive as fast as I could and bang into some wall. To contain myself I thought of calling up some friend and pacify myself. I went to the Asar prayer and came to write this. I feel better now. It’s Magrib now. Alhmdulillah.

Smile

I reached home around 6:30 pm today. My friend dropped me at Mehdipatnam from where I thought I would find some means to come back home. I had to walk upto Tolichowki from Mehdipatnam. The foolishness of the State Government in coming out with the protest struck me hard. I walked for more than 30 minutes continuously.

Before that along with four friends of mine, I had been to Abids to do the shopping for the Farewell party which is supposed to be today, the 5th. I felt a little uneasy being into this so much when I had decided not to get involved into anything related to it. Being with my friends made me give time to it. I won't be going for the party now - obviously. It will be a not-so-good feeling staying at home all day. I will learn a new thing.

It's one of my very good friend's birthday today. As I had decided earlier, I prepared a blog to make the greetings instead of an e-card. I have done it twice before. I may get out of my house tomorrow if my friends decide to celebrate this occasion. Perhaps I hope that it happens.

That stupid song ... guess you never felt that way

Yesterday just before sleeping I had set the alarm in my phone to wake me up at 5:31 am. At 8:00 am I was wondering if I was so much into sleeping that I don't even remembering turning it off especially given that snooze requires pressing of the exact button which I believe is not humanly possibly to do when I am so much into sleep. Perhaps I need to get my brain's abilities revisited!

Today was a different day for me. 'Confusing' and 'precarious' can be the right terminology. As I always believe that some things happen for the first times in our lives and it is nice that they happen. They further increase the knowledge base and experience more into maturity. This is what I need - more maturity - badly.

I don't have much to write for today. I know I have reduced the size of my posts to a near one-third of what I used to write until a couple of weeks back. What can I do? Things change. They change people. Most importantly, they cause to change perceptions. My idea of trying to be a better person will never change.

Good happens only when good people are involved in the endeavors. Perchance, when the bad start anything worth a talk about, the good fall into apprehensions. That would be a clear case of negativity which must invariably be throttled to naught. A mirror speaks of what it can see. A mirror inside my heart can be more helpful. I find it troublesome at times I look in there. It's a pain in my neck.

On the left side of my computer - the left of my perception - is a printer that might well be wondering if it is ever going to work again. If it could ask me about the same, I would start with a humble apology, then continue saying that I may consider some action only when my summer vacation starts. That will be after 18th of May. Allah is great. I realize it every time I know that I am real. this happens every second. Alhamdulillah.

I have a reason

Yesterday afternoon one of my friend took my computer's hard-drive with him. He had some back-ups of the data I lost. So now that I have almost everything back, I feel glad for sharing my data and also for having a person who respected it. I understand he had nothing to do with more than half of it but yet he kept it with him! He was kind enough to come to my house, take the disk with him, again come back again today.

Yesterday evening I went along with my friends to 'Dastar' near KBR park and 'Saarvi'. We had hukka and lots of fun. I returned home at 11 pm. Earlier in the college I had my last theory internal. After that there were some discussion going on about the farewell party. I was there in the class. I was just there. To be with my friends.

Yesterday, the 31st of March, marked the completion of one year of this blog. Today's past is the 271st.

If it is done again ... Allah help me

I was reading a book around 9:30 pm and I don't remember when I fell asleep. I woke up by myself a little after 10 pm and kept my eyes closed. I felt as if I was still into the book with just only one thing running in my head - money. The book is about money. My parents were calling me for dinner but I was so much into the ideas of the book spreading within me that I was hardly bothering to respond to them. I finally had dinner and came in front of the 17 inch screen at 10:45 pm.

I don't feel like writing about when I woke up in the morning and when I reached the college. It makes me feel guilty as I wasted a lot of time and I know I am going to do almost a similar things tomorrow. I spent almost the whole day with my friends. There was a class in the morning which I missed; I reached the college when it was getting over.

In the evening, around 5 pm I accompanied my friends to Taj Banjaara where they were booking the place for farewell party. The name of the hall booked is 'Anjuman' and the date decided is the 5th of April. And as I have already said, I am away from everything.

My friends have been asking me about it. Today I told my parents that it can be possible that any of my friends would call them to ask why I am keeping away from it, and I asked them to tell that they have no idea about anything. They had the same question my friends were asking - "who do you want to skip the party?". They even said that I won't get such chances again in my life. I don't agree with them. There are bigger things I value.

It has been a quiet evening after I reached home; just had some talks with m parents about the farewell and I stay with myself. I had been thinking about my friend who tried to convince me to come to the party. I felt bad I had to stick to my word. I can't explain how I feel every time I am tell a 'no'.

Heavy in my heart

I had quantitative analysis at CL today and we studied Permutations. It was a bit tough and cumbersome. I even got the next packet of preparation books. The tension is beginning to build up with November nearing. This might seem ludicrous for any person who is not writing CAT! Time is moving fast and it is faster especially at times when things begin to appear threatening.

I just now set the washing machine for 'spin'. I had my clothes long back but totally lost the track of what was going on in the house after having dinner at 10:15 pm. My brother reminded me that I had to finish the washing thing. The machine is showing some problem when ever it is set for all the tree functions at once - wash, rinse and spin. I am doing the last one separately.

In the evening I had been to my grandmother's house. Last Sunday I took mu uncle's CR writer and I had to return it. I spent more than 2 hours there and felt the sorrow left by my grandfather's death. It is more than two months now but whenever I go there I still get a feeling that he is still in the house, in his room. We have not yet cleared his things - we didn't get the will to do it. But it hurts more when I see his bed and his table with all his medicines and books arranged they way he used to keep it. A layer of dust shows that he hasn't touched them for two months now.

I remember reading a quote. I read it long back, but recollected it just yesterday. "In three words I can sum up everything I have learnt about life. It goes on." Maybe I have moved on in my life, but past is always recorded in our brains and we can seldom erase it. I miss my grandfather. He was one of the dearest people in my life. I will miss him till I die.

We see some things and we perceive that it has no light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen a few myself but every time this happened, light came in from somewhere. Perhaps that quote means more than what really it makes apparent to me. Greatness of Allah is beyond any measure.

I had 'nahari' in the dinner. There was some chicken too to make the dinner perfect. I didn't eat much even when there was so much offered. I don't have an answer why I didn't. Something seems to hurt me and the problem is that I don't know what it exactly is. Calling myself a fool can't be a good thing to do now. It can make more sense if there was nothing like love.

I have been giving myself some extra doses of Hindi songs. I have lost many English ones to the crash of my computer's operating system and now, the only numbers I could assemble on the drive till now are the ones given to me by one of my friends and a couple of CDs I had made long back. Songs from DDLJ and some remixes are finding me enthralled!