It is enough to breath?

It was a good and satisfying day for me. There were still things I had wanted to do but didn't. I woke up a little before 12 noon. Had my breakfast and sat in front of the computer. My father had asked me to prepare a few questions in mathematics for students of 4th to 7th standard. He is going to have some test taken for them in his school. I took around 30 minutes to make the question paper. I took the help of internet and framed some questions by myself.

In the evening I finished the reading of a book. I had stopped reading that book some days back but just because I wanted to start this new book I bought , I found the necessity to read it till the end and finish it. For those who remember reading the name of 'Magnet People' in my blog, I would like to tell that it is the very book I have completed! I spent months with it. It was very small - 115 pages. I brought it this far. I read so many other things in the meanwhile.

The book I have bought is 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad' by Robert T. Kiyosaki. I came to know abut this book from an instructor at CL while in the Personality Development Program session. One of my classmates at CL has started reading it he is already impressed by it. The book teaches business and its related strategies and how money needs to be made and not earned. I understand that no person will get rich by reading such books, but I also understand that people who are rich know all these things and it is always good know all of it without getting rich! I accept my answer is not convincing. The book is supposed to be a 'must-read' and I will be reading it. Our life never becomes a perfect story if we read novels.

We finally got a light fixed on the wall behind my computer. I had always wanted it because the light from the one on the wall opposite to it directly pinches my eyes when the computer screen reflects it on them. With the new light on it seems as if something big has changed in this living room. We also got a similar new lamp fixed in one of the bedrooms. My brother sits there while studying and he wanted it.

From tomorrow start my brother's final examinations. It is his Arabic paper tomorrow and her went to bed just a few minutes back. The exam starts at 8 am and the examination is some college at Rethi Bowli. My father would be dropping him and he will come back home by himself. Its 5th tomorrow and on 6th is his birthday. He will be busy studying and won't have any celebration. I have to gift him something and I do not know what to give. I asked him if there is something specific he wants. He didn't say anything.

Since many days back I had been wanting to write something for Flowing Emotions. I have already mentioned about this in one of my recent posts. Today I also got a comment on Gridlocked asking telling me that a post on Flowing Emotions is awaited. It was like a motivation for me and I posted something a little while ago. The title is 'Nationalism and Patriotism and Dangerous Ideas'. This can be a provocative piece of writing but I mean to write it. I have been thinking about it for some time now.

My last post on Flowing Emotions was in January. I didn't write for more than two months for that blog. Today when I opened MS - Word, it was hard for me to find the right ideas to type. I didn't know what direction to take and what all to tell. I typed some things which I later deleted thinking that they would be more naive and silly. I also felt a few things as useless to be written and some things as subjective enough to be left behind.

I didn't really keep a track of what I was writing until I came to point where I thought I could end the post. And I did it. I wasn't satisfied with what all I had written but after reading it and editing it a little, I felt better and happy. I still search for some person who can help me learn how to write effective and how to keep on writing. I am also afraid that I am not growing much with my English skills. There is a lot more to be learned. I am not a writer yet! :D

Today I told my parents that I wrote about my mother calling my father as Mr. Bean. My mother after hearing it said that she didn't mean to call him Mr. Bean but she only meant my father was behaving like Mr. Bean. Father coolly said that was what reporting is all about - a thing compared to something is equivalent to that thing being called that something! He was in a casual mood and he didn't mind me writing about all of it the way I wrote it. He read nothing and I hope he never reads anything. My brother didn't like my idea of having all this on my blog.

Currently I am nervous about something. I spoke about it on phone wit a friend and he advised me what all he could think of. I needed it all. There is something very important for me that is to be done. I pity I can't write anything about it here. If I could, then perhaps it would have made me feel better. I always feel nice after letting my blog know how I am feeling about a particular thing or anything, mostly.

If I am able to do what I am thinking of, then my life will change forever. It can be good and it can be bad. But in any case it won't effect any person. Except me and maybe one more. If it is bad, then the person moved will be me alone. If it is good, it is going to be the best thing I can think of presently. I am sure anyone knowing me will get a clear hint of what I am saying here.

There is a blog I read regularly. It is written by the same person who left a comment on Gridlocked (I mention this just to tell who the person is). I can't write any names here. I found a good article on her blog and I feel like sharing it. I have taken her permission to publish it here and it is very much her intellectual property. I just share it here.

"To Orkut or not to Orkut, that is the question

Scene 1 (on orkut)
Boy: hi, wanna be friends?
Girl: sure
Boy: so where do you live?
Girl: Chicago, how about you?
Boy: London
Girl: wow I’ve always wanted to go to London
Boy: oh really? you should visit then, I could show you around ☺. By the way is that your picture on the display?
Girl: yes it is, and is that you too?
Boy: wow you are pretty, do you have a boyfriend?
Girl (blushing and feeling happy): no I don’t.
(The chat pursues for a while and they end up exchanging chat ids)

Scene 2 (at a party, a guy walks up to a girl)
Boy: hi, are you enjoying the party?
Girl: naah I’m getting bored.
Boy: me too, so what do u do? Work or study or both?
Girl: I just finished my bachelors in -----, looking for a job, how about you?
Boy: I work at ------
Girl: Wow, that’s a great company to work for.
(the talk goes on for an hour and they end up exchanging phone numbers)

The two scenes have the same end, the boy and girl after a few interactions realize how irritating the other person is and they move on to the next person on orkut or another party or club .

My question is, aren’t the 2 situations alike. How different is orkut from a club? Yes you do not have people drinking or dancing on orkut, but every person is out there showing off his/her personal info. People put up their pics or videos for the whole world too see. Every person checking my profile knows how I look like (if I have my pic), what I do for a living, what I do for fun and what movies I like without even interacting with me. Isn’t that like giving away bits and pieces of yourself to everyone out there? Shouldn’t we be sharing those things with friends and people we are close to?

Girls like me, who’ve always believed that dating is wrong, talking to guy unnecessarily is wrong and hanging out in mixed gatherings is wrong do not think that doing the same online is wrong. And it is only because the other person cannot hear us or see us face to face.

Networks like orkut, facebook and hi5 are the biggest fitna these days because they lure people who are anti-dating. They make us feel that its ok to interact with guys as long as they can’t see us or hear us. I agree that watching someone or hearing their voice plays a major role in attraction, but according to me chatting with someone and finding out the other person’s thoughts and beliefs plays a bigger role in instigating attraction.

Here are some reasons why I believe chatting with someone online is worse than meeting someone (and when I mean meeting someone, I mean just meeting without getting intimate):
1) People can put on a different face on chat very easily. (We’ve heard of 60 yr old men pretending to be 20). You cant do that when you meet someone in person.
2) It is easier to lie online than it is in person. A person chatting can write with confidence that he has never dated any woman in past but would feel a little hesitant to lie about it face to face (although there are some people who have mastered the act of lying online and offline)
3) You can never judge a person’s character online. When you meet someone in person, you can assess the person’s character (in some way at least) by the way he/she looks at you, treats the waiter, walks and talks. Again you cannot be completely certain about a person’s character in just one meeting or a couple of meetings but you get a better picture of it.
4) People are more blunt and open online. For example an average decent guy wouldn’t really go up to a girl and talk to her for no reason but would not hesitate to do so online. The other example for this openness can be seen in scene 1 where a guy does not hesitate to comment ‘you are pretty’ the first time he chats with a girl.

The point I’m trying to make here is NOT that it is better to meet someone and date. I am trying to prove (mainly to myself) that chatting online is not as ‘ok’ as we have made it out to be. This blog maybe misunderstood or rather not understood at all by a lot of people who think differently than I, but I am sure there are one or two souls out there who will agree.

I will conclude with a hadith- The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, is reported to have stated that “Whenever two strangers of the opposite gender are alone with each other, Satan becomes the third one between them.” (At-Tirmidhi)” I have always thought to myself ‘As long as I’m not physically alone with a guy, I am fine’, but now I realize that this hadith would also apply to being alone with a guy online.

Times have changed; technology has advanced, and unfortunately, so have our values. I feel like I have lost myself in the swarming online world…..I need to find a way back."

The link of her blog is http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-gSUS22wieqjajm_Gl2P2yA--?cq=1

A Bit of Madness!

This is my second posting for today. I won't stretch it for long. I can but tell that I do not know what I am going to write but the reason that prompted me to open the 'create post' page of my blogger.com account is that just a few minutes back I read my last post - yes I did it; I don't usually read what I write on this blog of mine - and I found many spelling and grammatical mistakes. I enjoyed reading it though!

I do some time read my own writing and wonder if it is really me who has written it. I am no mood for any self-praise. If being frank sounds foolish then I think I need to reattach my brain in my skull. I can't, sometimes, stop myself from writing a few things even when I know they say good about me. But when I see that I do write bad things too about myself, I feel that I must do a little good too!

While starting from home for my grandmother's house I was sure that I would go there and finish a book I was reading. There are hardly 35 pages left and I thought I can manage them within an hour. I was wrong. I didn't even open the book. I don't know why but whenever I see that bed in my grandmother's room, I can't think of staying awake. I did the same thing today - slept for more than an hour before the time for leaving for CL came.

I can never for the tea my grandmother prepares. She uses all milk and no water and pends a lot of time stirring it and boiling it. Perhaps instead of the word 'spend' I should have the word 'invest' there. It will make the meaning more accurate given the worth her hard work gives to the tea. It tastes awesome. We usually ask her not to strain herself with it. There is no talking to her on that.

At CL I had a class on geometry. The concepts discussed were interesting and I enjoyed them. But when the exercise sheet was given, I could hardly answer anything. Even my friend didn't do much - I mention this because his inability stopped me from feeling myself weak. The paper was tough. There was no discussion on it. It was already time to go. But I badly needed one. I ought to know the solution of all those questions. They were tough.

By the time I reached home it was almost 9:15 pm. I had a lot talk with my friend who is also a batch-mate of mine in the college. We are good friends now and what I spoke to him today was very important. Not for CAT or studies, but something else I can't mention here. It was important that I start a conversation on this with him. He can help me access some people who can simply make me fall and walk away stepping on me. Alhamdulillah this friend of mine listened and was positive that he can help me.

A little while ago I started an online chat with a close friend and he told me that he thinks I am crying now with tears rolling down my cheeks. He has read Gridlocked he says and he think I am depressed. How do I explain him that I am very much in control of myself? He can because he knows he has to think. I didn't reply when he said that. I just asked him to wait for sometime until I am done with the publishing of this post and he can read it's answer in it. I didn't mean to tell him that I was writing some answer or an explanation to how exactly I am doing now. I understand that my blog and my posts can talk enough on my mood and so will this particular post.

And yes, its a holiday to CL tomorrow. For 'holi'. I confirmed about today's class before leaving home in the afternoon. I called up my friend and asked him. He had already made a call to the office. It hardly mattered. I am ready to attend any number of classes any time of the week.

Two days back when I was checking out the visitors to my blogs, I found that one of them had searched in google.com with the keyword 'Adsophos 2k7'. When I opened that page, I found that the link to my blog topped the list and was above the official Adsophos website. No question if that made me happy of not.

A little more than three minutes back the same friend who told me that he thinks I am crying said "sometimes you are so irritating"! And I replied "ya I know". Then I continued "but according to your ego, you never get irritated". And before he said anything, I wrote more: "or am I joking?". Now what can I do when he asks questions that irritate me. I have friends to keep and all of them are very important to me.

He always keeps pressing on the idea of priorities. I can't let anybody know about my priorities but I am sure they get obvious from how I behave and what all I speak. It's not at all that we have a rude chats online, but I do like irritating him some times. Today I did just what he did to me - irritate. Funny? I never do it with anybody else. My talk with him and also the topics of these talks are always very different and more complicated than what and how I talk to others. But slowly I am finding more friends who can be with me at this level. I love people who talk this way! They are a reflection of me. I wonder how 'some people' are.

Every minute, very hour, every day ...

Yesterday I typed more than three paragraphs and while doing so I didn't know that I was not going to post them. I had saved the first one of them and the other two were lost when there was a power failure. This thing has been a mischief now a days with nothings keeping itself reliable - even me. I deleted the partially saved draft and didn't publish the rest of the post. I am here up again.

Yesterday my mother called my father Mr. Bean. And my father straight away asked me to write about it in my blog. He even wanted me to write the reason why my mother did so. I don't think I can. I am not doing comedy here. But still I would like to have a mention of it. I will perhaps avoid.

My brother keeps calling my father as black. He once told that father has teeth like those of sheep. He pushed him several. Once kicked him too. There are several such incidents and my father has asked me to write about them in my blog. I understand any person who doesn't know my father would not believe all this - that we enjoy recollecting these fallacies of my brother and create a lot of fun. Once in a year when my father talks to his elder brother in US, he tells him about all this and they make more fun out of it.

My father tells us that all the students of his school fear him and are afraid of him always. My brother and I laugh whenever he says that. It sounds unbelievable that they all fear him especially when my brother can be all that I have mentioned above. I can also make a point that what all I am writing here is a bit opposite to the word exaggeration. It is a perfect antithesis of exaggeration. I can pen thousands of words on my father's sense of humor. Even my uncle says that everybody at the school fears him. We all laugh again.

Yesterday along with my friends I went to a restaurant at City Center - Sahib Sindh Sultan. We had a lovely time. The restaurant and also the food was of fine quality but that because I was very hungry, I enjoyed things more. The major part of the bill was paid by one of my friends - of course - and the rest was shared by the others including me - of course! There were several reason that we went there - many - I wonder how many! Do I sound silly?

Being a Friday we had just the morning session and our lecturer for computer networks felt like having all the 200 minutes of it with him. He left us a little early. When the class started, it was too drowsy and I hardly listened to anything. But when the new topic was started, I couldn't stop myself from enjoying it - the topic was Network Security.

Today morning my father woke me up asked me to take him to some shop that would let us have some color printouts of very high quality. In the first place he asked me if we could do it at home. I said I would rather prefer a printer of superior quality and our printer is just good for regular printing and not photographs. He wanted to take copies of some jewelery in which his friend was interested. There were seven pictures and each of them costed us 40 bucks. They were taken on photo-paper.

We went to Mehdipatnam for this and I took home Idly and Wada for my breakfast. I had Wada for myself and my brother took the other thing. Now I am here in front of the computer trying to write something so that my blog finds itself updated. And I think I am done - almost. Today is a holiday here, the occasion being 'Holi'. I am still not sure if I have a class at CL today. The schedule says that tomorrow is. The schedule is prepared in Delhi and the celebrations for 'Holi' in north India are tomorrow. In south it is today.

Yesterday though I didn't write anything for this blog, I did find something interesting coming out of my mind and I posted in on Gridlocked. I wasn't sure if I must post it there but then I preferred not to think on it and I did it. All through the evening I was preparing myself to write something for Flowing Emotions. It's sad that I didn't do it.

All that finally matters is .... huh! I can't write that here.

It was already 8:30 pm when I left the college yesterday. I had three of my other friends with me and seven seniors. We spent some time after the closing ceremony of Adsophos in deciding where we can go and have something like a treat. After a lot of time pass we decided to go to Ohri's of road no. 12. One of my seniors gave the treat and we had a wonderful time. I never thought I would ever be spending so much time with my seniors and have so much fun.

For almost one week I have been spending time around them preparing for Adsophos and also organizing things with them. It all started when we first went out for the promotion of our festival to other colleges. Then it was the preparations of charts. It was decoration the next. Then it was the Adsophos itself where I spent most of the time at the help desk with few of my classmates. Finally it was the cosing ceremony where, for the first time in my college, I took to the stage of our famous Ghulam Ahmed Hall - one of our lecturers asked me to hand over a bouquet to the chief guest and I also stood up there with the certificates and prizes in my hands while they were being given to the winners; I had to give them one by one to one of our professors who was in turn giving them to the winners.And not to forget the time at Ohri's.

The last two days I spent with a sense of doing something. I understand that things would have still gone fine even without me and I was just a part of the whole system. But what was important for me was that I was a working art of it and I was working for myself and the event and not for any extra attendance or a certificate. I wouldn't mind if I don't get these two. I have already received what I had wanted - a chance to a part of something.

I have seen volunteers who were just volunteers sporting the badge and the t-shirt but were of little significance. They were just spending time with people who were working. Neither were they participating in any even nor were they contributing anything to the events or the organization. I am glad I was not one among them.

I was respected by my seniors. There were others who gave importance to me. Some lecturers gave me more preference. I felt best when a faculty member called me to write the certificates. I know it is nothing much. But I know it is something I liked. But the end of this post, I will explain why all of it was important to me. There were two reasons. I can't mention both of them. And of course it was a nice feeling sitting at the help desk registering the participants and also guiding them with their participation formalities.

For the first time I wore a t-shirt to the college. It was a one with Adsophos printed at the back. There were lot of people who commented and I liked it. The shirt was white in color. I wore a t-shirt even today. I was at my aunt's house in the night and I had to have my cousin's shirt. It was black in color.

I went to the college today just to submit my examination form. It was the last day today and for the last 4 days I have trying to find some time to have it submitted. Today I was expecting a huge crowd at the counter but it took less than 2 minutes for me. I was prepared to stand there for hours. But by the help of a kind friend I did it in hardly any time and I felt a little different - I have been used to stand in long queues; this wasn't a long queue; I took some time to digest that my work has been done!

Yesterday, along with a friend, I participated in wen designing contest. We qualified the first round and out of the 20 teams, we were among the 10 that were selected for the finals. We could manage the second position. We shared it with another team. I didn't reflect mush on this as I was already filled with many other feeling and experiences. I don't know if this is something substantial, but I am happy that I participated in something and I was amongst the winner. Thanks to my friend who was my partner in the team who made me participate. I would have never done a thing on my own.

All these days I was thinking that I was a fool and a lazy bug not submitting the examination form before time even when my bank receipt was ready a long back. It took me time to have my photographs ready. I agree I wasted some time but Allah helped me and made my decision to submit on the lest day as the wise one. I don't say that I had planned it this was or I knew that there wouldn't be many students on the last day, it was just Allah's wish that helped me do it so easily. He has always been extra kind towards me and I need not cut my hands to show how much I mean this!

Yesterday around 8:15 pm my cousin called me and asked me to come over to his house. Two of my other cousins were also there. After the time I spent at Ohri's, I directly went to his house. We slept at almost 5 am int he morning. We watched two movies - one of them just by having the important scenes seen. I had a little tough time with my parents in getting the permission to stay over night at my aunt's house. I found it perfectly reasonable to be there. The first two talks on the phone were a bit tense. Then the third time when my mother called, it was very sweet.

Today I spent a lot of time in the sleeping. In the afternoon a friend came over to my house and we had chickens roll at a nearby bakery. After he left, I was at my computer and just before sleeping I read some part of a book. I even wanted to read the newspapers today but didn't get the right mood for it. I was interested in knowing more about the budget that was presented yesterday by the finance minister.

Next academic year it will be we people who will be organizing the fests in the college - if at all anything is there. So, my basic purpose of liking the last few days was that I was learning. I saw my seniors and the way they were getting things done. I learned how to be like them and what all it takes to get an 'Adsophos' organized!

The second reason is something I would rather love to write on. but its pathetic that I am still the same person I was a couple f years back. A few days ago I wrote a little on this referring to one of my old posts on Flowing Emotions. I won't get much into that now. I am not writing the book of my life, presently!

Sometimes it is nice that I 'sit down and relax until some feelings go away'! When I started writing this post, I was wanting to write several things that would have brought a lot of emotions in it. I took a break for my dinner and I changed my mind. Things can go anyways sometimes and at time they go nowhere. I can be a little foolish too when I sit to write for this blog!

So sweet, so beautiful ...

Today I was in the college till almost 7:30 pm. We were doing the decoration work for Adsophos which starts tomorrow. I am very tired now and my legs are aching like hell. Not literally though! I had my dinner around 40 minutes back and I will go to bed in sometime. Tomorrow I have to be in the college by 9:30 am at least. Now, I am not sure if I will make it by then.

Until Saturday I was in no mood to participate in any of the events. Though I kept hearing that so and so person is getting into so and so event, I hardly got any motivation to anything by myself. Then one of my friends persuaded me to contest in something and we both are participating in web designing contest as a team. We will be given content and the application software to work on, which will most probably be Web Page Maker, and we have to put in t mind to have the most appealing web designs.

Today I had to make a visit to my house in the after for a very embarrassing reason. It became necessary for me. Never did I think that I would have such a problem. Thanks to a friend who brought me home and took me back on his bike. JazakAllah Khairan.

Today I even sat at the registration counter some some time. It was a nice feeling being there. I frankly understand that it is in no way a big deal but it was for the first time that I made myself comfortable with a place like that and I enjoyed. I was sitting there with the same friend who brought me home. While we were our, two of my other friends took over.

Later in the evening when I was coming back home on one of my other friend's bike, it took us around 20 minutes to ride form Panjagutta to Masab Tank. There was too much traffic. And by the time I was home, I guess it was 8:40 pm. I am not sure, I didn't see the time then! I know nobody would be interested in that.

Today two of my cousins came to meet me in my college. It was really sweet of them to think of it and come. But they couldn't stop doing mischief here. As far as I know they didn't cause to 'damage' anything, but they could have. They will be in my college tomorrow again and I hope they won't bug me! I want to have some time with them tomorrow.

It's been long since I had a chat with two of my cousin sisters. My MSN messenger doesn't allow me to login saying a download of the latest version is necessary for me to login. I am in no mood to spend time in downloading it. Perchance I will do it my weekend. And now a days, the time at which I come online doesn't match with the times they come online. InshAllah I will talk to them soon.

The Luxury of Being Zubair

Perhaps it is better for me that I must not write when I am in a mood rather to feel than to think. But yesterday apart from this logic there was a thing else that didn't let me update my blog - I was uploading the pictures on the previous post. After writing that post, I forgot to upload them and I realized it only after switching off the computer. Yesterday when I uploaded them first, I didn't like the way I arranged them, they all seemed scrambled all over the text of the posting. I had to delete them and arrange again. It was 1:30 am already and so, I didn't take the pain to write after that. I slept at 3:30 am, but I was not at the computer.

Some time back I typed a big post on 'change'. I got more in the depth of the second part of the title of that post - 'some things refuse to change'. I really don't know why I still believed that I am destined for a few things to happen to me even when they hardly look possible. There are, I feel, some forces that don't want those things to happen to me. Of course it is all Allah's will but writing and presenting it this way sounds more emotional. Obviously, no doubt, why I used the word 'feel' for all this. I couldn't keep myself away from this idea. I am human and emotions are an integral part of me.

Two days back when I wrote the last post I said that I can't cut my hands and picture to present the stupidity on my blog. It was again a feeling I tried to express. It was more of exhibitionism than expressionism. And while all this, I understand I have only one problem with me - I know everything yet I am inactive. Or maybe I do not know the things that would bring action in me. Perhaps all I do is just fooling around myself. But I am happy usually. Usually, until something meets my eye and brings me back to square one - the point from where I can only see the end and the improbable destiny which will just remain as a destiny that would never be reached. Life will end before that, and it will prove it was something else but not what I thought it to be. It was a dream which was more than a necessity - or perhaps I perceived it as a necessity and in reality it was nothing but a lot less than a dream - and when I get to realize all this, its going tobe too late.

It is always helpful to have people who would hold my hands and take me to where I have to go. Even in the most conservative of families this thing happens. I am not like that. I have been given freedom which is virtually seamless and I can't imagine it's boundaries. But it becomes uncertain at times when I am told that I have left the boundary behind me, and there are times too when I am told that there is no boundary at all because I am trusted. I do not know if I deserve that trust considering the things I can't say and the things I must not say. It is pathetic that I have such kind of things with me and within me.

Sometimes it s in our well being that we don't come across some things or as a matter of fact, some people. They can just turn everything - not upside-down - but towards ruining every dream, every life and every destiny. The problem again boils down and sucks out air from only one thing - the requirement of precise and necessary action. I lack this.

Being mediocre, living always with a smile on the face no matter what dreams are lost and what are suffocated, desiring nothing but a little satisfaction from some small figures and lesser digits, residing in homes made of walls that smell hard work but not dreams, having people who are very close to us because they were meant to be that way and not because they are the necessity of the soul, living with them for the constraints that never hurt because God has put them on us but always have left wanting for something else. All these may be just abstracts, but they make differences that cause to effect the whole.

Yesterday I reached the college a little before 11 am and I knew I was getting late. On my way I got calls from my friends and a message from a senior asking where I was. All I could do was to tell a 'sorry'. It always works. At least with me. I don't mean to use them in lieu of my inactions, but just to show that I am guilty for so and so thing and I regret it with heart. It is not rhetoric when I say that. I mean the same with words like 'thank you' and 'please'.

And iff at all anybody thinks that I am addicted to internet, I would like to mention that this is after a lot of Sundays the I am spending time on the internet during the day time. Even in the evening after coming from the college I always have the option of being online, I do it only after 8 pm usually. I like spending time here but it is not a necessity for me. Some times it becomes important. Most of the time it is just a luxury. Yesterday night it was important.

When I try to reflect where I am going, I walk across many thoughts but in the end the first post of my first blog 'Flowing Emotions' says it all. It was titled at 'Dare to See Failure'. The first post was something else and I had to remove it making this one as the first. I am the same person I was in the November of 2005. I refused to change. But I should have. I couldn't move on. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2005/11/dare-to-see-failure_16.html

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Today I fought my sleep in the evening and I am awake even now. I am real tired now but I am sure, like every other time, its just the motivation I lack to do anything. I have been wanting to write a post of Flowing Emotions but I just don't do it. Laziness.

We had just the morning session in the college and I attended not even a single of the two classes in it. I came late on purpose and was with seniors. I pasted a few charts and tried to do all what the bracket in which my name is written in, wants me to do - 'promotion and logistics'. I am a volunteer who is supposed to work for promotion of Adsophos and work for the logistics involved in the organization of the events and also the publicity. I am enjoying it but I wish I had a little more responsibility on me. There are just two things I am in charge of - changing the countdown numbering daily morning, and today I had to carry the stationary home to get it tomorrow! Aren't these ...? Huh! But I am learning quite a few things observing people around.

Tomorrow I will be purchasing the t-shirt we volunteers are supposed to wear on the two days of the festival. I have never worn a t-shirt before to the college and I may never will. Maybe sometime later in final year - just for what we can term as thanksgiving! But for the fest, I will wear a full-sleeved shirt and wear this thing on it.

My cousin was telling me that though I have written about my father's friend's house, I didn't write it the way I usually write things and the way the house must be described. I mention this also to say that he particularly told me the house was much more than what I had written about it! It definitely was. But I also had in mind that there are always things that are not believed until they are felt or seen. I can't write a thing and make people feel or see it unless they have their full trust in me. Anyways I am posting a few pics we have taken of that house. As I have already mentioned, the house is still under construction, the pics too will show the same. Pictures help people see things. But how about feelings? I can't cut my hand and picture it to put the stupidity on my blog!

Yesterday night my aunt and my elder cousin left for Gulbarga. When my cousin was leaving, I felt as if he is leaving the moment he arrived. But he had to - he is busy with his studies. He was here just to finalize his wedding which would be in 2008 inshAllah.

Another cousin brother of mine came along to pick them from my house to drop them at Imlibun Bus Station. They asked me and my younger cousin to come along with them. The but left around 12 midnight and we went to have ice creams at Moazzam Jahi Market, Shah Ice Creams. I didn't know that those people serve ice creams even so late in the night. We had to go inside the market to have them serve it. The shop from outside was closed. I had two flavors, 'cheeku, and 'anjeer'. I reached home at 1 am. My younger cousin is still here in Hyderabad and is residing at an aunt's house at Masab Tank. He is there thinking that he would disturb my brother who is busy with his exams. But he is wrong!

McDonalds; we entered it, felt that we should have something more spicy, and left for the 'Zaitoon' at Mehdipatnam where we had a grape flavored 'hukka'. We didn't eat anything atJust before starting from my house to drop my aunt to the station, I and my younger cousin arrived from a nice 'outing' with another cousin. We both had been to McDonalds, and Crosswords at City Center, a local 'kabaab' shop that served wonderful 'kabaabs', and a restaurant named 'kabaab' shop. We even went around 'e zone' but spent some good time at 'Crosswords'. The 'hukka' at 'Zaitoon' was the best of all the four I had till now. Eve Cafe Coffee Day couldn't match this. It was the first time for my cousin who is here from Gulbarga.

Earlier yesterday I attended all the classes in the college including the Networks Lab. The servers in the assigned lab was down, so our batch of around 16 students was split into two and was made to share some other labs. The time spent was no way productive. I did fine today!

The other pictures are of my father, brother, cousin and two of my niece and a nephew.

I have to carry myself wherever I go

Today morning at 5:15 am the door bell was ringing. I was sleeping in the living room and when I heard it, I felt that I was hearing it in some dream of mine. But I realized that it wasn't a dream. My aunt was already awake and I woke up to reach the balcony. I asked who it was and my elder cousin brother replied. I opened the door. He had just arrived from Gulbarga.

In the evening a few of my close aunts and uncle with my cousin went to finalize his marriage. the wedding will be after a year. There will be an engagement in some time. There was a lot of sound in my house today after a lot of time with my cousins' children playing and shouting. I was silently sitting in front of the computer. I was very tired and I was badly in need of sleep. I went to bed at 8:50 pm and woke up a little after 10 pm. I am surly going to crash out early. But I also want to spend some time with my cousins. I feel bad. I can't fight sleep much. I slept for hardly 4 hours yesterday.

Today I attended the morning session and in the afternoon I was with my seniors, classmates and friends preparing charts for Adsophos. I didn't make even a single chart completely but I saw many being completed in front of my eyes! I was int eh college till 5 pm. In the days to come, especially on Monday, I will be there till very late in the evening.

While we were all in the room busy with our work, a few of our seniors came inside the class. I didn't know they were our seniors. They started troubling me and stopping me from doing my work. My other seniors, who happen to be their classmates were out. They came in and somehow got these people away from me. I got back to work. But in a few minutes I heard some loud sounds. These seniors who were here to trouble us were fighting with a senior under whom we people work. I was afraid to do a thing. Though there was nothing physical, the words used by those hooligans were very vulgar. Alhamdulillah it got over soon.

I have been feeling very drowsy since evening. I wanted to be with all the people who were here at home today, I wanted to talk to my cousins, but something kept stopping me. I wish I could fight some mood out of me and behave normally. I have hardly kept myself productive these days and I am pretty unsatisfied with myself that I feel guilty.

I am not spending much time on the internet and not chatting much with my friends. I am not getting time for anything. Evening once I begin to have as much time I used to have until a few days back, I hope to get myself occupied with my preparations for CAT. It is high time that study for at least 15 hours a week. It is more than necessary for me to that if I want to clear all the cut offs in the test.

I can well say that I have a thousand things on my mind but it would be rather foolishness if I do so with nothing specific I have to define what they are. I sometimes feel I could run away from myself. But I can't do that. I have to carry myself wherever I go! And when I say 'I', it include many things and many people. If I present a confused picture now, it only means that I am easier to interpret when I write and difficult when I am quiet.

Right now my cousins and my brother are playing Playstation. Presently they are playing Crash Team Racing and until sometime they were engrossed in 'The Mummy'. I am not sure if this is the correct name of that game but it is based on that famous movie. Crash Team racing has been an all time favorite of mine.

This post takes the number of posts on this blog to 250. For all the things I wanted to write in today's post and for all the things I couldn't write today, there is just one thing I would like to say - nothing. I don't mind being called mad. I am used it by now. Everybody calls me that. What can I do?

Today I read some part of an old post on Flowing Emotions. I had tears in my eyes while I was reading it. I read some parts of it and couldn't believe that its me who has written it. Then I said to myself "I am like that". I am like that. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2006/11/guy-like-me.html

Adsophos

I was not able to write an update yesterday. Even today I was considering sleeping without writing anything. I have been keeping myself real busy with several things including the wedding functions. Today I attended the reception. The food was great. After coming back from the party, along with my cousin, brother and aunt, I had a detailed discussion about engineering and MBA and GRE too.

Today along with my seniors and a few class friends I went to four colleges to publicize a technical event, Adsophos, we are having at our college. It is supposed to be at national level and a lot od participation is expected. The colleges we went today were St. Francis, Villa Mary, Vasavi and CBIT. We even had plans to go to Shaadan but dropped it as it was getting late. We were in 15 cars and more than 60 students. We distributed pamphlets, pasted posters and enjoyed! It was a wonderful experience.

The festival is on 27th and 28th of this month. I have been not attending many classes and so the complementary attendance that I would be getting by working for the fest will help me cope up with the required 75%. InshAllah.

Things are going usual. For the 'trained' eye I am sure things are obvious when they look at me. Some ideas refuse to leave. New come in. The ones already left, keep haunting.

Those interested in knowing more about the fest can log on to www.adsophos2k7.com

Are you there?

I slept a little early yesterday. At 12 midnight. I was tired and sleepy. The day before it was 3:30 am by the time I went to bed. For 2 nights now, I have been sleeping at the place I have always wanted sleep - in the living room, on the 'divan'. I do have place to be inside any of the bedrooms but I am preferring this one!

On Saturday I had my classes till 12:30 pm but I was there till 4 with friends. I reached my grandmothers' house around 4:45 pm and was at CL just after 6:30 pm. The class started 10 minutes late. We had a topic test in Algebra and I scored above average Alhamdulillah. Even today, Sunday, we had a test - review test in Algebra. We didn't evaluate our scripts. We just discussed them.

After reaching home today, when my father saw me removing my shoes, he asked me to keep them on as we would be going to his friend's house's construction site. I said I will put it on when we are leaving. I had my breakfast at 12:30 pm and we left home just after that. My aunt and cousin were with us. We reached home at 5 pm after having a vegetarian lunch at a restaurant 'Raaga' on the ring road near Atta Poor. I am not sure of the name of the place.

The construction site of the house told me something - I may never get to see a better house in Hyderabad unless I get one constructed for myself! I am not kidding. It is just on the banks of Miralam Lake over looking and zoological park. The place has a lot of green cover. The house is being constructed after cutting down tonnes of rock on the hillock the site is occupying.

They did a lot of dynamite explosions and almost half the hill had to be cut down for the dream house. The house it half into the rocks. The same rocks formations have been used to decorate the house from inside. There are around 7 bedrooms if I can remember it perfectly. There are many halls, a place of bar, swimming pools, bathrooms with jacuzzi, ponds of ducks, 5 to 6 fountains - two of them inside the house, barbecue place, fruit garden, cacti garden, rose garden, 3 lion faces and a dolphin statue greeting the visitors at the entrance from the pond having a fountain, a separate guest house, servant quarters ... the list goes on.

The house will be built in another 4 to 5 months. The interior designing will be done once the house is completed, the outside landscaping will take time. The constructor and architect is a cousin of mine who has worked for several years in Dubai. He has amazing knowledge of different construction materials and he is very creative and daring. He specially got several huge rocks moved to the lawns to get the perfect landscaping. That costed a lot of money and the moving of those boulders was so impossible and dangerous that one of the laborers escaped death narrowly!

He explained us everything that has been planned. The placing of the porcelain, the lions and the dolphin, the work on the walls, the birds that will be imported to be displayed in a cage that will appear in the hall from the side wall with the huge rocks int eh background, the aquarium, the views from the special master bedroom and the other rooms - the bed in the master bedroom will be placed such that when a person opens his eyes, he will find the big green doom of a mosque near by, and when he turns, he will find Falaknuma Palace, Mecca Masjid and Chaarminar from the window - and every minute he explained us made that place more amazing and unbelievable. The location of the house makes a lot of difference. The architect has carved the difference into a thing of beauty and joy.

There is a special plan for having the ducks. They will live in a pond specially made for them, come out of it at some time of the day, stroll around the place for sometime, show their neck movements whenever some visitor arrives and go back to their pond when there is nobody around. They will be trained for all this. I understand this sounds unbelievable. there are many things we don't believe but understand ourselves as silly when we actually see them in our eyes.

There are many designs being used for the false ceiling and one of the rooms will have the ceiling displaying the first 'kalima' of Islam. My father's friend is an atheist and he keeps good knowledge of all religions.

When I first entered, I just saw a single floor from outside. I saw so many rooms there itself with a huge entrance hall and surrounding areas. There were four bedrooms on every corner of this hall with each of them providing very carefully selected and designed views of the lake and the hills. The my father took me to the terrace. It was amazing. It has been designed to cater to open air parties. The laws too are specially designed for parties with a separate room from where food can be served. the sceneries from the terrace too were awesome. Then he took us to the floor below the main floor I had seen initially. I couldn't believe that there was a flood below.

this floor had a big hall again with a bar attached to it. The planning here too was amazing with rock formations glamorizing the place. The outside view from here too was breathtaking. There was another bedroom here and a lot of space - to breath!

Then we went to the floor below! There wasn't much here except for a single room that looked, in a way, like the most soothing places of all that we had seen previously. It was a small room hanging from the rest of the house almost in the air - it was on ground, but it seemed like that, and it was jetting out into the lake - ostensibly; appearing like that. It had only rocks as one of it's walls. The whole place was like a fort on a hillock with beautiful gardens all around!

Tis part was on the hillock. At the ground-level is the swimming pool and the pond for the ducks, and the laws with other things. There is a circular column that rises from the bed of the swimming pool and goes up to support a hut like open structure having a kind of umbrella on it. The only way to get to that place is a bridge - just 2 feet wide! I can imagine how beautiful it will look once everything is ready. It will be difficult for any person to even think that she is in India!

All this comes at a price. I can't mention the amount being spent. If I estimate the whole expenditure in dollars, the word starting with 'm' will be used. The word will be plural to express the size of the bank account a person needs to have to afford such a beauty.

I even played cricket there - had a great time with everything. We took many pictures of the palace. Everything is still under construction but still, it is already mesmerizing. My present screen name of Orkut is 'Island Dreams'!

Later in the evening we went to my father's paternal cousin's wedding. It was grand. Very grand. Almost all of the Andhra Pradesh's State Assembly was there - Chandra Babu Naidu, Rajashekhar Reddy, and all the MLA's and other ministers I am sure. Sania Mirza, Salman Khan, many Tollywood - Telugu - actors, the cast of the movie 'Angreez', and several other people. I hardly saw any of them. Just came to know that they were there. We reached the place late. The traffic was too much with so many ministers making the roads and the people on the roads to stop moving. The security was brilliant. The function was grand. the food served was not hot. The taste was fine.

I reached home and finally appeared only on Yahoo messenger after more than 24 hours! It was such a fine feeling to have 2 of my nicest friends online. I have college tomorrow and the OOSD (Object Oriented Systems Design) lab where I have to submit the first part of our case study along with my teammates. I took a lot of printouts just sometime back. But I don't think we are done. These prints, I hope, will be enough to keep our lecturer cool!

In defense of my ego!

I don't know where to start from today. Since today morning I have just been thinking if I should really write all that I have been thinking for the last 24 hours. I had some serious talking with a few people and I have learnt a lot about myself and also about these people. I have always heard that it is easier to give advices than taking them. I understand it is very much true.

Among all the people who talk to me, of all those who listen to me, from every person who knows me, I find myself as the first person who needs to take advices and not only take them but also do whatever is needed. My first objective now is to fight my ego. Perhaps this is also a kind of Jihaad - fighting against myself to get myself in the right path, no matter how much it hurts.

I am usually told that I listen to people no matter what they say and I am good with everybody. I know what I have inside me. I constantly rate people with what they are saying and how their intellect would possibly be. While doing this - rating people - I found some of them to be intellectually superior to me. I have mentioned about this in one of my previous posts. So, I am ready to listen to what these people say and even take their talks seriously; enough to guide my actions.

The other people - who I consider to be intellectually inferior to me - too say a lot to me. It is just my perspective about them that I feel myself superior to them. But they may be knowing more than me and maybe perhaps wiser than me. But my perspective is deeply held within me and I have to fight it out. I have to fight my ego and listen - not only listen, but also apply things these people tell me. They can be better than me. I maybe a very bad person with a swollen ego. Maybe I am driven by lots of pride that is bad ethically and religiously.

Today I attended the 'sanchak' function of my father's cousin. My father's uncle is a renowned gastroenterologist in Hyderabad and his son is getting married to the daughter of a congress MLA who also happens to be the minister of Coal and Mining Ministry of the State Government. The marriage is on Sunday and the Valima on Tuesday. The 'Sanchak' was at Lake View Banjara function hall.

My father's elder sister and my cousin brother are here at my home. They arrived from Gulbarga today afternoon and I am glad they are here with us. My elder cousin brother will be getting engaged soon. My aunt has found a girl for her. She is in 3rd year of Medicine. Presently, I am having a great time with my cousin. But I have no explanations for the sudden silences I fall into. I can't fight a few things - I find solitude necessary for me. My cousin make me happy always and I very happy to have him here. My aunt always makes me very comfortable - she is so nice.

Today morning i cleaned all my tables and also my bed. I arranged all my clothes but still some clothes are waiting for me to wash them. I have some old books to discard. I have somethings I much get repaired. Huh!