Prison gates won't open up for me

The day before yesterday I took 'The Alchemist' from a friend. I started reading it that day itself but did a major part today - in the morning after fajar and in the evening just sometime back. I am on the 94th page an I hope to finish the book by tomorrow. It's not a big book like 'The Fountainhead'. It's small, precise, objective and teaches many things and inspires.

Today I left the college at 1:30 pm. In the morning I spoke to my aunt and I told her that I would be calling her around 12:30 pm. I called her after coming out of the networks lab. She asked me to come over to her house. We were supposed to go and buy tickets. She is leaving for Mecca shortly. When I reached her house she told me that she has already confirmed the reservation on phone and it would be fine if we go to the office some other day and pay the money to have the tickets in hand.

She will be encashing (is this word right? I couldn't find it on google; but have heard many people using it!) some demand draft tomorrow and get the money. We will go to the office sometime next week.

My heart sank when I realized that I could have remained in the college and attended the class - there was no real need for me the bunk the ALC class that was supposed to start at 1:20 pm. I would have spent some time with my friends. It was all so pleasant today. I would have been there to look around to have my heart smile to itself thinking of the dreams I have and then later cherish them to the limit of saddening my soul! I slept after having my lunch. I was fine and I kept smiling all through my stay there till 6:15 pm.

In the morning I didn't sleep after fajar. I had a bucket full of clothes already soaked in detergent-water and I had to load them into the washing machine. Before that I had to give some rubbing to the collars and handcuffs of all the shirts to cleanse them from the dirt that had made me put them for washing. With the clothes in the machine, I was busy reading the novel. I even took a walk outside to buy tomatoes. I had to go the way to Tolichowki cross-road to make the purchase.

When I left home in the morning for college I was in a hurry. After sometime on the way I realized that I had forgotten to take my networks textbook with me and I recollected the lecturer's words that he won't be allowing anybody to sit in the lab if he/she is without that book. When he said that a few days back I thought to myself about the meaning of the word 'pedagogic'.

I knew the worst case in the lab would be that I will be asked to leave immediately. I also thought about the shirt and the watch I was wearing. My shirt was a bit shiny made of some synthetic material of which not everybody likes to have their shirts made. My watch was somewhat flashy - white dial, silver strap and golden linings.

I had my sleeves folded twice to give the watch a chance to appear in front of every person who took notice of me. My only purpose of folding the sleeves was to prevent them from hanging down my hands carelessly - they were a little lengthy. The size of the shirt was larger than what fits me.

All the while I was also worried that some witty person would think that I was considering the show off of that watch. I never meant that. I can't help sometimes when things show up this way by themselves. All I can do is forget of what is being shown! (Do I make sense here?)

When the lecturer came to know that I didn't bright my copy of that book, he scolded me. He asked me if I can ever forget wearing clothes. The second question was about the watch - if I can ever forget wearing a watch? I had no guts to answer. If I had, I would have asked if books were more important than clothes. I would have also said that I would have reached the college late if I had not worn the watch.

But I know he wasn't referring to clothes and watches in general. He was referring to those particular clothes and that particular watch I was wearing. They seemed ornate. Perhaps. He wears a 'sherwaani' to the college almost daily. Need I write directly that I felt insulted when he said that? No, I didn't feel insulted. I smiled at myself as I had expected this and also something much bad.

Things were too calm in the house. The silence was of the kind I don't like. Though everything seemed alright, it was trying not to be so. I am hanging on to the memories of all the pleasant past and also to the hopes of a clear tomorrow. We understand present better only when it becomes history.

He will do one of two things

I didn't write an update yesterday thinking that there is nothing I have that I would like to put up here - for reasons including that I wanted I hide. But later I realized that I could have written some things! Never mind ... :D

I came from the reception party of Monday's wedding at 11:40 pm. Things got over a little today. We didn't meet many people. Just had the dinner, sat there for a while and left. The function was grand enough. I thought of sleeping the moment I came home but was reminded of this blog I have :)

Just sometime back I also realized that there was no coffee at home. It got over wen I had a cup in the morning. So I went out to get it from the near by medical store. It's so pleasant outside.

Yesterday after having my dinner I stayed online for sometime. Just after 12 midnight I felt like eating something It was not exact hunger I felt but I wanted to eat something. I saw some biscuits. I didn't feel like eating them. There were some slices. I opened the refrigerator. I saw a cup of curd and thought that it could have been so nice if I never had to hate it's taste. Then I thought of eating peanuts. I was reminded of the allergy and boils I suffered with when I ate peanuts about a month back.

I ate a banana and a tablet, Actifed Plus. The medicine was to prevent any cold hurting my throat when I would wake up today. I usually get a throat pain when I eat a banana just before sleeping in the night! So complex everywhere!

Yesterday I bunked the class after lunch break in the afternoon (of course afternoon!). I spent the time with my friends sitting behind the library. We had lots of jokes and some good time together. Sometimes I feel that I am being touchy whenever I write anything like "it was a good time spent" or "I felt great being there". But I mean it and I like everybody letting know what all I like. Perhaps I need to find some other way of expressing myself - a one that is straight enough to explain what I feel yet keep away from anything all that that may appear sentimental!

My cousin sister left India on Wednesday early morning. She will be in Decatur in a few hours I suppose. I will be waiting desperately to see her online. My other cousin brother who came here from Kyrgyzstan too left today morning at 11:20 am. He will reach there tomorrow. I met his brother and father today at the function. I will miss him too. Yesterday night we had a chat and we bid goodbye to each other emotionally. We shared some "sorries" for not being able to visit each other's houses anytime in the last few days.

Something happened Monday morning and I was feeling guilty about it. I even thought of taking a big step towards solving things - or perhaps worsening them. Yesterday night I was feeling like having a talk to somebody on this and discuss it out. Thankfully a friend came online and we had a chat. I got the right advice form the friend and I won't be doing anything now. Just pray :) for everybody. I can't forget what happened but I won't think about it - at least with my own will.

I expect some mistakes - typos and grammatical - in today's post. My ears were wired to earphones all through the writing time I had - 15 minutes I guess. I was continuously listening to "The Reason", "How to save a life" and "Savin' Me" :D

I know something you don't know

I have been finding it very difficult to go to the gym in the evenings. I am even planning to start preparing for CAT seriously now - it's already high time. Then I even like to spend time on the internet daily for some good time. Somehow I have to manage time. I am getting tired when I reach home after college. I am thinking of going to bed a little early - at least by 12 midnight and go to the gym in the mornings. I hope I am able to handle this. InshAllah I will.

Today after the college we 7 friends went to have 'chaat' at Keshav Reddy which is close to our college. It was nice being there. I reached home at 6:15 pm and since then I feel like taking a nap. But I have some work to do - I have been postponing the washing of the car and my father is getting restless with that (he is presenting a very sweet face whenever he mentions about that but he is sarcastic I know!) - so, will clean the car now. Then we have a wedding party to attend.

I have been lately thinking of how exciting it becomes when we have some secrets with us. And it becomes even more thrilling when we share a secret with a close friend. It feels as if we are superior - something like "see I know something you do not know ... I am above you"!

The trick to being a bore is to say everything

Yesterday something held me back from writing for the blog. Perhaps I felt that there was nothing substantial to write. Though I was tired, I was up here, sitting in front of the computer chatting with 2 of my very good friends. I was too happy with that and I didn't care to take the satisfaction I usually obtain from updating this blog. Somehow, I am back here in words again!

Yesterday night I slept around 2:30 am. I woke up at 6 once, tried to sleep again, got out of bed at 8 m. I was at CL 5 minutes before the start of the class. It was a class of quantitative analysis and we did algebra in that. It was a class just to help all of us revise the fundamentals of the topic.

Yesterday I banged into the classroom at 6:50 pm. 20 minutes late. The moment I opened the door I saw a lot of students sitting there. I was thinking to myself "my batch's students never come in such large numbers". I just opened my mouth "may I come in sir?". From behind the student instructor asked "Which batch?". I was still at the door. The instructor from inside said "come in". I turned and replied "A3". She pointed towards the door of other room. I silently slid the door back and went into my classroom. We had a class for English Usage.

In that class we were asked to prepare a word list of some new words and weave them into some skit which too had to be designed by us. We all were just 7 people in the class ans we were split into 2 groups. I was in the one with 4 students. We didn't write the dialogs down unlike the other group. We prepared the word list and planned the scene. We thought we would somehow use the words spontaneously. We used less than half of them. We forgot the words while trying to be impulsive.

We were all laughs after we finished. We enjoyed. We even got to have some interaction with other students. I made a couple of friends. The class ended at 8:50 pm and I was there till even after 9 talking with my class mates. I got to know more people and socialize. My friend from my college wasn't there in the class so I had to take a bus back home. I reached home just a little before 10 pm. I was tired.

Today after the class I went to attend a lunch party. It was a friend's birthday. He first planned a lunch at Tadka, Ohris - road number 11. I was there with him on time. 12:30 pm with another friend. He was continuously in contact with our other friends and few of them told him that they can't come up. He felt bad I am sure. Because the number reduced, he thought of having some other place as the venue. We had ordered a bottle of water. He paid Rs. 50 for that! And we left for eat street.

There we had 8 people totally. 2 more turned up just on time. We had some heavy things and the cake too and I was home at 4:45 pm. I did a lot of walking too after the lunch with a friend. We crossed the Khairtabad flyover to reach the bus-stand. After coming home I slept.

Slaughter. Not Hang

Today I didn't attend even a single class. I had planned of bunking the lab in the morning and I did. I spent a very nice time in place of the networks lab that I had to attend. In the afternoon my friends pulled me out of the class and took me to watch 'Miami Vice'. I wanted to attend the class - my attendance is on a fall. The movie: I liked whatever part I understood!

After that I went to my grandparents' house. It was my aunt's wedding anniversary too and I wanted to meet them all. I had my lunch there even though I already had the lunch box in the college itself. I left for home at 6 pm.

My parents and brother were going out to make some purchases and were expected to come after 9 pm. But before that my mother's cousin called home asked if she could talk to my mother. I said that mother is not home and I will call her and make her get in contact as early as possible. I could hear her voice crying. I called my mother immediately and informed her about the call.

Some minutes my grandmother called me and told that my mother's aunt has expired. My parents didn't come home and rushed to their house immediately. The came here sometime back, had dinner an left again. My mother would be staying there in the night. We had to get dinner from outside.

Sometimes it becomes necessary that we have people we can share even the smallest thing we have pressed in our hearts. I have mentioned the importance of having such people in our lives already. And I say it again. I find myself as the luckiest (if at all there is something called as luck) person I know. Allah has blessed me with such people. I don't know how to thank Him for that. I do not know how to thank these people for that. I guess having tears in eyes while writing this is enough to show how much I mean it.

But I fear losing them. I fear that someday everybody will take their own ways and I will be alone. Who knows if I will find more of such kind of people in the future. All I can do is pray and also pray that these prayers are accepted!

Read it. Please

A few minutes back I finished adding names and title to the photographs I have posted a few days back on a blog. It took me more than 30 minutes to make the additions. There are 50 pics posted.

I came home a little before 5 pm today and took a nap. Before that I had the lunch I had taken to college. At 8:50 pm I went to the gym. I had to work out for my lats. It was tiring. I missed one exercise as the machine was too busy with other people.

It was a fine day today - no ups, no downs. Simple and lovely. I had some time with freinds but one of them was missing. He wasn't there to bug us! Tomorrow I will be having the college at 10 am and I am thinking of bunking the lab in the morning. But I will go to the college on regular time.

I had 'nahaari' today in dinner. It was cooked at my grandmother's place. We still have our 'things' in the freezer. Mother will cook them when she gets time. I had 'gaajar ka halwa' today again.

Too shy to ask, too proud to lose

Just some time my uncle, with whom my father works, came to meet us along with aunt. We already met them for Ied yesterday at their residence. We had a nice chat today. Even a few of my father's friends were here. A teacher from his school too paid a visit. After they all left, I felt that I got some news good enough to put on our family blog, and I did it.

Today I did go to the college. There was only one class in the morning which I wantedly skipped as I was late. There were no classes after that. Nice for those who didn't turn up today. Bad for those who did. So, we played cricket - we were 12 people. I got to bat, bowl and of course, field. I mention this because the last time played I only had to field.

While playing cricket I hurt myself. While fielding I closer to the fast moving ball to take a catch. The ball was too low and when I brought my hands in font of it, it hit me hard on the middle finger of my right hand. It was enough to hurt my nerve that my hand is now aching upto my shoulder. The pain is more at the finger, elbow and the top of my shoulder. I even couldn't lift any extra weight when I went to the gym today... :D

Yesterday my father asked me to get ready at 9 in the morning. I did. He asked me to drive the car. I did. He asked me to have the breakfast at a cousins house, when we went to meet him just after the prayers, without even meeting my mother first. I did. He asked me to cut ("Zubaa") the 2 sheep. I did. He asked me to sit with the butcher and supervise. I did. He asked me to have the lunch with him when we had some guests. I did. For all this I said a 'yes' and then agreed. In the evening he asked me to give a dusting the car. I showed a "ugh" face. I didn't say a 'yes'. But I did!!!

All this was just to show how much I don't like cleaning the car. It looks weired to me. Some months back I used to enjoy. But now it looks different. I dirties my clothes. As we park the car outside everybody stares at me while passing by. And further more, I feel that sometimes even my brother should do it.

Yesterday I had 4 different sweets when I went out to meet my relatives in the evening. Of course I know, many people might have had more! the first one 'Sheer Khorma' was a tome itself. It was not like what my mother prepares usually. She said that the 'pheni' was not nice.

The second was at my mother's aunt's house. It was 'Gaajar Ka Halwa'. The third was at my grandparents' house - 'Chaanwal Ki Kheer'. The fourth was at my uncle house (the one who visited my hose today). It was 'Khubbani Ka Meetha' along with custard on it. In between, at an aunt's (my father's elder sister) house, I had another dose of 'Gaaja Ka Halwa; but it was a little different from the previous one - I think it had some milk product in it. It was nice.

The night before yesterday's I slept at 3 am. I was uploading some pics taken during my sister's marriage functions on a blog. I first had to select some from around 250 pics. Then I had to edit them - also enhance them a little. Then came the uploading part. It was boring. After adding 50 pics on the blog, blogger.com refused to work. My account was getting logged out. Then I learnt that I was exceeding some limit blogger.com has already set. It is either that it won't allow anything more than 8 MB to exist on a single blog, or it doesn't allow more than 50 pics to on one blog. I still need to clarify.

The days are going fine. It's amazing how things work themselves out towards goodness. It's all Allah's wish. I am fine and happy.

Since Sunday I have been having a lot of chocolate! It was all Dairy Milk on Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday night and today it was some chocolates from Kyrgyzstan - full of nuts. Then today some Hershey's. The Kyrgyzstan are still there in the refrigerator!

I have already stopped reviewing my posts on this blog before publishing them. The browser I am using while writing, Mozilla Firefox, takes care of the spellings. I use IE 7 for other browsing and usage.

Like a dream come true ... but still a dream!

Yesterday night I was too flimsy to write anything. I had been to the college in the morning just to find that we had only one class to attend. I was in the college till 1:35 pm and left for my grandparents' house and was there till 5:40 pm. Then I had my class at CL.

My classmates were playing cricket and they asked me if I would join them. I wanted to play but I knew that it would make me tired and I had a long day ahead to be out. If I had played, I would have to wait in the college till 6 pm which, I felt, was foolishness. So, I left the college.

At CL I had analytical reasoning class. It was perhaps the most difficult of all the classes I have attended till date. We did detailed analysis of 3 problems and we were taught how to create charts and tables out of the raw and incomplete data given for any particular abstract.

Today I had english usage class. We worked on vocabulary building and had to form sentences out of given words too. I do not know if I should mention this or not, but I felt a little kiddish when the instructor put a 'good' for the sentences I formed. We were given a list of 20 word pairs and the 2 words in each of these pairs looked similar but had different meanings - we had to form sentences using each of these pairs in a single sentence. The class was a bit lengthy.

After coming home I didn't do anything but eating and sleeping. In the evening my father asked me to come with him to buy the sheep for tomorrow's Ied-Uz-Zuha. I refused: I didn't feel like going out into that stinky and dirty atmosphere. I was forced even by my mother but I kept myself home. My mother and brother went with him.

They bought 2 sheep - one each for oneselves. A few days back my mother was telling that she would be sending of her sheep to some orphanage but she didn't. I didn't even know how many we were going to buy. I didn't ask my parents anything - even if we were going to have anything tomorrow. I know nothing of anything except that I have to perform the wajib prayers tomorrow morning. I don't wish to know anything much.

Since the time I remember, I have been going along with my father every year to buy sheep. This is for the first time that I didn't go. I even wanted to break it. I did. I didn't do anything staying home - just made a visit to the chemist near by; had to get my mother's monthly medicines.

I don't feel like meeting anybody. I know people will come to my house tomorrow. We will be going outside in the evening - all as a formality. It would be a tortuous. I will learn to sustain. But things are becoming better day by day.

If i consider the Islamic Hijri calender, exactly one year back, this day I did something I will carry for long. The night after that day was miserable - I had a chat with a friend and I cried. The next few days were terrible. I was expecting the worst thing of my life. But nothing happened. But I had wanted something t happen - for good or bad - but it could have ended a few things and could have made the coming days better in someway!!!

Everybody seems to enjoy this thing called as 'New Year'. I do not understand what makes them so excited about it. The calender for me, this english one, is nothing more than just and index or a reference kind of thing. I do not know who originated it and when. But when I say this, I understand that it's my birthday too that I celebrate taking this calender into consideration - I just need an excuse to celebrate. And I celebrated. It was my birthday - new year has nothing to do with me.

My father has been invited by his friend to a party and my father is going there. Even my father needs an excuse. I won't talk to him on this. I have my own beliefs and my own ideas. Everyone has his/her own. I neither respect this time nor do I quibble about it.

All these months I have been told a lot about having close friends and people with whom I can share things - mostly through comments on my blogs. I have been advised - I thank those people for everything. But I can't trust anybody to extent that I can share everything within me.

I can never have a person called as best friend. The reasons are simply - every person has his or her own life and every person moves on - nobody if going to stay for me. At sometime the person may even share my things with others - every person will have priorities and their own very important people who would be more important to them than me. Its perfectly normal this way and I accept it happily. Even I may be that way.

I have already trusted some people - some friends and cousins. I have told them a lot about me. I have shared with them what I felt like, and to the point I am comfortable with. I have a few people to whom I have told a few things I never ever imagined that I would put them into words.

Sometimes I have kept no difference between a probable person who could ever be the most important person to me and these people with whom I have confided in- for some instance of time. I am too happy with the way these people have treated me in return. I thank all of them. I hold different perceptions, ideas and emotions towards each of them. Should anybody need me, I will give my best to be there. InshAllah.

I feel inferior to some people. Basically because I feel that they are more intelligent than me and that I can trust them. I like taking advices from them - I easily digest any criticism they put on me.

I somehow feel that I am becoming a difficult person day by day. Perhaps I have become a little casual towards the way I am treating people. Perhaps now I even have people who would be hating me - I do not know. I may be wrong but it can always be the other way around.

I also feel that I was a bit rude in the last few days; I have spoken things without thinking anything - leave alone the possible results of my rudeness. I hope nothing has changed with that. I hope no person has changed his/her view toward me because of a different attitude I have shown. I intend to correct myself - only that I must realize things properly.

Are we strangers?

It was a better day for me. Perhaps because I didn't spend much time at home. I had been out to buy some books in the evening with 2 of my friends and so, I reached home by 9:40 pm. I went to Koti to buy books for this semester. I even had a 'cutlet-ragda' at Gokul - I chose not to take curds with it.

After college hours in the afternoon I played cricket. I didn't get to bat neither did I bowl. I just did the fielding part of the game and I enjoyed. It was fine but I would have enjoyed having a bigger part in the match my team - the team I was a part of!

A few minutes back I ended up writing a small poem on the same topic I have written on yesterday.

Strangers again...
My lips loose your name
You're no more in my eyes
For me it is of no surprise
You are a forgotten dream
Like a one I have never seen
The pain you caused to me
Whispers into me softly
A new day has now begun
And my world has again spun
I shall never again cry in pain
We are strangers now… once again…

I wrote it as a comment on the blog of a visitor to my blog. She happens to be a friend of my friend and it was actually an article by her which I read and ended up writing the first poem. This second one was after I read her new poem today.

Somehow I felt that things were a little better today - actually, a lot better. Alhamdulillah. And JazakAllah Khairan. "Positive" is always the idea. Humans need each other.

Tears don't cry

Three of my friends visited me at my house. I was just thinking today evening about the time that has passed since I had any friend visiting home. And they were here!

Today I thought of playing cricket after the college but didn't get the right thing - 2 of my confused me with what I should do. I think it was nice that I didn't play. I reached home at 4:35 pm and took some rest. To be precise - I didn't know what to do - I took things for granted and wasted a lot of time in the college. We were left 30 minutes early.


Celebrating Ied-uz- Zuha is a compulsion - the morning prayer is Wajib and the sacrificing of the sheep is Faraz. These 2 will be the only things I would be doing on Monday. I won't call it a celebration. Every person greeting me would give me pain - I know this is bad. I am tired of faking smiles.

I wrote a poem today and posted it on Gridlocked. My cousin wrote a post on our trip to Guntur and posted it on our family blog - http://timmapuris.blogspot.com . I read a few blogs today - the few I have been visiting lately without any knowledge of who is writing them. I even commented at a couple of places.

All I see at home is silence. I do not call it as peace. I hate whatever it is and I can't bear it for long. Allah is there. He knows everything better than anybody else. I wish I could just sit and talk to Him and hear from Him that everything would be fine someday and all this is just a nightmare.

2 decades, I suppose, are enough to teach people how to adjust, understand and forgive. If they fail, then more than themselves they would hurt others. And all these 'others' can do is wait, watch and cry. Allah will show the light - as always. "Positive" is the idea.

I am not able to see the road ahead ... but I am walking

On one of my previous posts somebody left a detailed explanation of the MIM party of Hyderabad. I didn't read it fully, I didn't accept it, I didn't reject it, I do not know what to do with it. I have no problem with that thing as a comment on my blog, but I do not support that party as such. I have no much idea of the truth. So, it will remain as an unmoderated comment with the blog unless I come to know who posted it. I would appreciate to have the knowledge of that person basically because the comment has nothing to do with me or my blog. It is wide off the beam.

I was late by a few minutes to the college but the lecturer let me in without asking anything. She was asking questions to each of the students and I felt embarrassed telling her that it was the first of her class that I was attending and I can't answer anything now. She didn't ask or tell anything but I could hear some laughs in the class. Interesting. But nice to know I can make people laugh even with something serious.

I had planned of buying some books today taking a friend along with me but it didn't happen. I didn't feel like going and the reason I gave him was that it was getting late in the evening. On my way back home I had another friend with me. He was talking and I was listening with some comments in between from my side. Thanx to him for keeping the conversation alive even when I was a little cold and not responding.

I finally read the blog posting of 2 of my friends. I wasn't getting the right time and mood to read anything - I got it today!

Today a friend asked me to upload the pics taken when I went to Guntur. I will do it whenever I feel like. My cousin has already put up a few, from the ones he has taken with his camera, on our family blog. I will do it later - maybe in a day or two.