Sunday Evening

My blogs, my appetite and my studies have become the most neglected parts of me in the last 4 days. Today I slept almost all day. Today was the 4th fast I missed. I wanted to fast but my mother didn't allow. InshAllah I won't miss tomorrow.

Yesterday and today I didn't go to CL. I was at my grandparents' house yesterday evening. It was one of those old days when everything used to be cozy when we all met. It remains to be that way every Saturday but without me. It was my mother's b'day too. Last year we had a dinner outside. This time we did nothing.

On Friday I went to bed at 10:40 pm. And I fell asleep the moment I closed my eyes. I woke up at 4:30 am yesterday morning and wished my mother then slept again. I had a program to attend in the college and my mother wasn't allowing me to go. I wanted to go as staying at home alone is too lousy and makes me lethargic. I called my friend, asked him to pick me up and took along to the college. I had good time there, Alhamdulillah!

On Friday I thought of doing some maintenance things of my computer using the built in recovery system. It didn't work. Some file seems to be missing. Now I will have to call the customer care for assistance and I know its going to take a lot of time before I could have things fixed.

Practice what you preach; preach what you practice

What am I doing ... none ... both ... or something a kind of antithesis to both!

Today afternoon I was having some cough syrup. As I poured a little syrup in the spoon and started to raise my hand toward my mouth, my hand started trembling.

3 hours I ha a terrible cramp in my feet. It was as if some bone in my feet had got dislocated from its position. Even till now I can feel soemhting uptill my knee. It was actually some nerve that got strained.

The moment I m touching water, I am getting shivers. I havent taken bath for the last 3 days. I feel so bad and guilty too!

I missed my fast today and even all the prayers. Such a pathetic time.

But still I am doing good mentally.

Every few hours either my mother or my grandparents are caling me to ask abt my health. Soem how I don't feel like telling them how I am doing exactly. Everytime I sopke, I told that I was doing better. Now I days I am not liking telling ppl how I am doing. My answer is always or usually 'I am fine' unless the person is somebody very close who wouldnt call me a neagtive person!

Down

Yesterday I couldn't write anything - had fever and a lot of cold. In the morning I used 3 hand kerchiefs - my nose was flowing; all 3 got wet. I had a lab internal today and I did it terribly bad - no regrets for that - I couldn't study anything; just gave some reading and spent 30 minutes with the book.

I have another lab internal tomorrow and I have no idea if I am going to study for it. I am not able to sit at one place for long - feel like lying down.

I don't want to be envied, I wan't to be loved

Just wokeup at 4:30 am today, had the early breakfast - sehri, and switched on the computer. I thought of just checking a few things, updating the blog, then perform my prayers and sleep. But I saw something that got me really angry. I really don't know when it was the last time that I got angry this way. I performed my prayers and since then I am trying to think if there is something that would set things right.

There is (was) a guy in orkut who was in my friends' list. He is supposed to be some friend's friend. Everytime we met, he was good to me and I was good to him. But yesterday he reacted to a scrap written by a friend of mine in my scrap book. I don't want to get into whose mistake it was, but what this #@&%) guy did after that was and continues to be intolerable. He created a fake profile and is trying to hurt my friend.

I wish I knew the right thing to do now. I even feel like going and banging him. But thats not the right way I suppose. I will wait to hear what my other friends have to say. ... damn hell! what a bad person I had as a friend. And what a wrong way to know what he is. I hope to forget all this but I know its going to be here for long.

I have prioritised all people I have with me. At no moment of time will I have any problem in selecting whom to support and whom to fight against. I have done this after a lot of thinking and even if in some way I am wrong, I am not going to mind. I am ready to face all consequences. And again I take all responsibility of everything that happens within me and around me.

Hardly a day passes by when I don't ask Allah to make me a good person. I beg Him for goodness in me. I ask Him to make me a person who would never do anything wrong, never hurt anybody, never say anything bad ... a person who is liked and loved by eveybody. I really don't care if I am the richest or poorest of all the people in this world, but if I am not good, I know I am the wrost and i can never forgive myself.

I will become a good person not by just avoiding bad things. I need to do good things to become good. And I ask Allah that He helps me, and makes me, do good things.

I don't want to be envied, I wan't to be loved. I don't want to envy anybody, I want to love everybody. But when anybody does anything wrong, hurts me or any of my friends, I can't tolerate that. I am usually quiet ... usually taken as calm. I don't like telling people thing like 'you have never seen my anger' or 'you don't know who I am and what I can do'. Even I don't know things like these but I know one thing - Allah is with me and with all people who are dear to me. I am forget some personw ho troubles me, my friends my forgive a person who troubles them, but I can't guarantee that Allah will forgive. He is just and He takes into account every deed done by a person.

I simply can't understand how people can even think of hurting or causing trouble to anybody. How can they ever forget that Allah is watching them? I like learning things from everything I see and experience but this time its not affordable. I can't hold my and my friend's respect at stake.

A day wasted

I don't remember doing anything today. Just helped my mother in washing some clothes, brought some snacks from outside, went for shopping in the evening, missed prayers and slept for many hours. That's what I actually did today - sleeping. It was a lousy day; I didn't feel like doing anything. Read Young Muslim Digest for sometime. The articles I read were from Arab News and The Guardian. Nothing much ariginal from the editors fo the magazine.

My father and my brother had to buy some clothes. My father asked me to accompany them and we all 4 took along. Then at the shopeI was asked to buy a shirt for myself and I did. Then we went to the tailor, spent soem time there. He also happens to be my father's friend. He was telling me about his sons who are studying in Australia.

I had a lite dinner and I will sleep a little early today. I plan to study for sometime tomorrow morning. I really don't know if I am going to study or not!

I think even my post for today is the same as my day today - boring!

What does 'being alone' mean?

This is my second post for today - just felt like writing something about today evening. I went to a friend's house after Asar prayers. Other friends joined us and we had the iftaar meal at Pizza Hut. We were 9 people there. I had almost 6 slices of pizza - more than one slice more than what I had on Friday.

We bought some softdrinks outside and went to Jubilee Hills. We were 8 people now on 4 bikes. The ride on the empty streets was too good. Some of my friends were upto some non-sense and they started shouting. After some good riding we reached KBR park. We had the drinks standing in the parking place. Then we took to the walking track. I, along with 3 others kept a distance from the other 4 who were too weired and illmannered to be had as company. Somehow time passed and we were on bikes again.

We reached a friend's house around 9:30 pm. Its pretty close to my house so I was comfortable here. We took many pics here and had lots of useless talk. It was good - got to have a lot of laughing and shouting. But I was me - and I didn't forget that.

I have so many friends and they are so different. Each of them teaches me something. Even if he is not doing something good, I learn from him that I shouldn't be doing that bad thing. Sometimes I appreciate some people's company and sometimes I prefer staying away. It was fine today even though I didn't like a few things. Nobody makes me feel bad; I am respected, never laughed or joked at. So as long as this continues, I am sure I will never have any problem.

But among all the friends I have, my group at the college is best. I am at the best of my comfort lavels with them and I really love their company. . . . . but even this won't last for long. Less than 2 years is all I have. I lose them after that. They will take their own ways and I will take mine. Nobody knows who is going to remember whom - I will never forget anybody. I shall remember every time we all spent together, every nice talk we had, every online chat we had ... everything.

I had a holiday to CL today. I woke up at 11:30 am after sleeping at 7:15 am. I did a lot of small things after that and even got a hair cut. I feel relaxed now. A lot of weight form my head is gone now!

May be I am being too emotional

I had my early morning meal an hour back. Just thought of spending some time on the internet so didn't sleep. Yesterday night I opened the blogger.com website to update the blog but didn't feel like writing anything. I even went to the compose-page but logged out after that!

Yesterday I reached home at 9:00 pm from CL. I missed my taraveeh prayers and even the evening ones. I had my iftaar at a bakery near CL - it was a heavy spring roll. This was for the first time that I sat alone in a place like that and ate something. Everytime I eat something outside I have somebody wit me; if I am alone I get things home and have them. I was alone today. Felt different, but I know things like these are going to happen more frequently now.

Earlier during the day yesterday I bought an inkjet printer. It's from HP. I had an old friend of mine to accompany me. We went on his bike. Then there was another problem with my computer - my optical drive wasn't working and I needed it badly to install the printer drivers. So, I called up my uncle who lives in Saudi Arabia and asked him if I could take one of the 2 ROMs from his computer here. He agreed too happily. I took it home and by the time my computer was ready with the printer it was already 12 midnight. I took some printout just now and I am satisfied with everything.

Now that I have a ROM in my computer, I am thinking of having a format done. It will be one of those recoveries of the data wherein all the registry is reset and my computer will be rolled back to what it was when I purchased it. None of the data will be deleted but all the software I had installed will be removed. So, its going to b a task for me to reinstall everything. But it will be worth that hardwork given that my computer's performance will bettered by a good measure.

Yesterday sitting at the bakery alone I looked out of the huge glass window staring at the busy street below. It was on the first floor of a small building overlooking the Green Lands Guesthouse. I felt real lonely. I was waiting for the rolls to come and was terribly hungry. I felt as if I live alone in the city and there is nobody who knows me here. I was getting into too many deep thoughts when the spring roll arrived. It was quite a lot in quantity but hardly took any time for me to finish it up. I was already getting late for the class. Just reached there before time.

Yesterday morning I got out off bed at 11:30 am. I remember getting up a lot earlier than that but was just lying there - trying to think! When I came out and sat in the living room I felt as if I ws going to waste the whole day. So I called up my friend and asked him if we could go out to shop for the printer. He was too friendly and agreed.

My brother has his last 3 days of Dusserah holidays. Today after the morning prayers he went out to play. He is fasting and he didn't listen to my mother's advice that he should sleep. He plays cricket and football usually. Today he is playing only football - with his Sudani friends he has made. He plays with them every Sunday and they have socialized.

My brotherly is more friendly than me. Quite a few times I have been told by people that I talk less, and that I am cold by nature. I can't help with this - simply. My friend know how much I can talk. They know they can't stop me when I am on. But this doesn't happens always and whenever it happens, it's only with my friends. I find no reason why I should talk to new people unless there is a need. And I always hope that no need arises. Even when there is something I need to know I prefer acquiring things by myself. Probably I am wrong with this; probably I don't know how to make friends - I never made friends by myself; and probably I don't know how to socialize with people and get acquainted. But this is how I am - I wish I can learn things and change myself.

My friend at CL has already made a few friends. I spoke to a guy last week - actually he spoke to me; he was the 3rd one to talk to me. He told me his name and I forgot. Perhaps I didn't take it seriously. Later I asked my friend about him. I hope I don't forget anything. There is one more guy who greets me everytime I am there - I need to know his name too. It is essential for me to be more friendly and loose my cold nature so that I get to meet more people. People in turn are essential to ones success - but right kind of people.

I have also learnt about myself that I take a lot of time to get close to a person even after getting well acquainted with him. I never feel like sharing anything with any person unless I totally trust in him. I fear being laughed at - may be not in front of me but behind my back. I find myself at comfort with a person after a long time of staying together. But over the years I have found many people like these and I have a long list of friends. But I don't find any person who became my friend when I tried to forge a friendship. I never tried that with anybody. I don't know if I will ever do that. I suppose as long as I keep trying to become a good person and behave well with others, I will get friends without any trouble. But this nature of mine tells me about a problem that may arise in future ... may be I am being too emotional!

I had been trying to write something for Flowing Emotions but I am not able to find time at night. I am getting too tired and crashing out earlier than usual. There are 2 topics I had decided long back and they are waiting for my attention and time!

I am so blessed

Today while in taraveeh prayers, I could hear every muscle and bone I stretched and bent telling me about the pain it had. They were complaining that I was being too much of a sadist causing them to strain. I kept praying but hardly concentrated. I wish I am forgiven for that. I had a very tiring day.

I didn't attend the afternoon class. I had to go to each of the 1st year classes of CSE and IT and ask them to send their articles for MJ Communique. I had a completely new experience today. The first confrontation was in the workshop when I called some students at one place and told them the details. I asked them to inform about it to their other class mates. This was simple and easy.

Then I went to a chemistry lab. I was packed with confidence when I entered the lab. The lecturer was explaining something to the students at the board and around 30 students were around her. Then moment I told her that I wanted to make an announcement, she waved her hand and asked me to go ahead. I turned towards the students and went blank. They were all staring at me. All faces - as if I am being judged for something. Some faces were poking if between from other faces. I somehow said a few words to start with. I was literally trembling. I had a friend with me who took some responsibility of the announcement and helped me out. I was relaxed when it was over.

I still wonder what made me so nervous when I was there. After chemistry lab I went to 2 more classes and I was extremely comfortable with the students. One of the 2 classes was in the other chemistry lab and the other in a class room. The class room thing was the best feeling. All students were paying all attention and were listening to me eagerly.

I am sure I learned a lot today. I am also sure that the next time I have to say anything this way, I will be definitely good at it. I have spoken in front of many people before when in school but I didn't know I would fear this at this time. I was so confidant that I would have no problem - I had no problem actually save the chemistry lab!

Yesterday my friends had decided that we would go t Pizza Hut today to have the iftaar meal. We were 11 people there and had a lot of fun. One of my other friend was there too but with cousins on another table. I even met (an 'hi' from far away) a classmate from school. I met my cousin brother too.

The best part of today evening was I sat with my friend who had not been talking to me for the last few days. He (or probably we) was (were) back to normal. I felt so good and glad about this.

After reaching home I lay down for sometime. I sat beside my father. It was such a good feeling again. I wished I could take rest on his hand and relax, the way I used to do until a few years back. I realized I am too old for that now and I may never get a chance for that again. I even wished that I could sleep on my mother's lap ... Even that is not possible now. I have taken myself too far.

I had a terrible pain in my legs - thighs, knees, calf muscle, ankles, toes, palms, the complete feet. I usually give a massage by myself by pressing he muscles. I wanted to do that but had no time to relax. I left for prayers at 8:30 pm. I had already missed Ishaan. I prayed it individually and joined the taraveeh.

151

I prepared the notice on behalf of MJ Communique today and most probably tomorrow it will be on all the notice boards of CSE, IT and MCA. I hope we get a good response from the students. I have begun to like what I am doing :)

Yesterday I forgot to update the blog. I was awake till 12:15 am but it didn't strike me that I should be writing. I realized only after switching off the computer.

Today morning I reached college late by 30 minutes. I was afraid that sir wouldn't allow me into the lab but he did. I guess he saw that I was heavily sweating! I felt bad that I was late ... Probably it was something against my self-respect -- entering the class so late. Somehow I am fine. But all the while in the lab I wasn't feeling good - not because I was late - for something else. Simply. I had a 'low' time for 2 hours. I didn't do much in the lab except for what I had remembered sir teaching on Tuesday. Later when I met my friends, I felt better. Great actually. No doubt how much I need them.

I received my study material from CL through post yesterday. Things are piling up and I need to get working with them. I feel I would be fine with English and data interpretation; quantitative analysis would be the area I need to work hard.

Soya chunks!

Today perhaps I heard the most beautiful recitation of the Holy Quran in my life. There was also a moment where I almost had tears in my eyes hearing the Maulvi recite the holy verses. He is also an engineering student just a year elder to me. He has learnt the holy Quran in Saudi Arabia. I had always like listening to him in the prayers but he is getting better and better. JazakAllah.

I was a little late home today due to the unavailability of buses. I reached at 5:30 pm and till then my brother was already out to get the snacks. I handled the vegetables and milk part later in the evening.

Today when I opened the google videos page where the video 'ya ali' has been posted by my cousin, I found that there were already more than 100 visitors. I do not know how many have really seen the complete video. Mostly we, in India, do not hav fast internet connections; people from other countries, especially western, do have it. So, may be all the people abroad, who were sent the link have seen it. My aunt especially had asked me if she could share the video with her friends ... I was glad that she liked it.

But not everybody liked the idea. I undersand it was something connected to religion. But in general, that song itself is wrong. Music itself is incorrect. The song selected by my cousins could have well been some other one but 'ya ali' is one of the latest hits and any person who has listened to it on a good music system or with sub-woofers will know how amazing the bass is and how mesmerizing the beats are. We couldn't find any song much better than this. We hardly had thoughts of the word 'Ali' being used. The song was the focus, the music was the required thing, dance was just for entertainment ... If somebody has not liked what we have done then there are 2 questions for him/her- "did you listen to the lyrics of the song while watching the video? if so what did you understand?", "but I am sure you were more occupied with the dance because you were getting entertained!" Entertainment was the objective.

To be frank I don't appreciate my cousins or my brother doing anything like this. All this was done just for fun. I know it would have been better if fun was derived from something more decent and acceptable; I was the only one who wasn't interested in this act. All my cousins were. I gave in. If somebody sees the original video - the unedited one - he/she will hear my voice in that. My voice's sound was above the music's. I was the one shouting and telling my cousin and brother what kind of things to do and the way they should be done. So if at all any person has to take any responsibility of the video, then its me. If anyone has to take the credit, then its my cousins and my brother. Nothing more on this. I can't help if anybody is offended. The offended may write an complete blog in objection and post it in the open. There is no point in telling things being a coward.

Yesterday and today morning I had soya bean chunks. They were added to a curry prepared by my mother. These chunks were somewhat like nuggets. But they were completely vegetarian. They appeared like meat and also tasted almost the same. I like every piece I ate. There was no fat and no bone!

My friend has not started talking to me yet. We have confronted a lot in these 2 days but nothing more than that happened. Twice I was almost about to laugh looking at the reaction he had on his face when he saw me. Perhaps he will take more time.

Today's post is the 150th on this blog :)

The month of Ramdan

I went to bed around 11 pm yesterday. I remember getting up again at 11:20 to have some water. Then it was at 4:30 am when my mother woke me up. I had a heavy meal, prayed and slpet. I wanted to stay awake and read something but gave in to the luxury my bed was offering!

The first day of fasting was very much like other days. I thank God for making it easy for me. I reached home at 4:30 pm when he door was locked. I waited for my father for sometime, and when he came, I crashed out again. I asked my brother to wake me up at the call of Azaan but when I opened my eyes, even he was sleeping. I ran out to get snacks and Haleem. I prayed, and had the 'iftaar'.

Today I was asked to start working for MJ Communique. The article I had submitted made through and I will now be working as the editor of MJ Communique. I am definitely happy and I guess it is a kind of acknowledgement to what I have been doing all these days - my other articles, blogs, poems, letters! I hope to make myself even more better than what I am right now and I will live up to all the responsbilities I will be given. I am thankful to all my friends who have been encouraging me - especially 3 people who have read everything I have posted on my blogs till now and even more. I even thank my cousins and my aunt. If there was nobody to read my blogs, may be I might have stopped writing long back and would have never learnt what all I have till now. There is a long way to go - I choose a path less travelled; which is not even a bit promising unless I am several times better than those who are alreay at the threshold.

God willing for today I will start my taraveeh prayers. I didnt go yesterday. I wanted to have a friend of mine with me. He lives at Mehdipatnam and he is going to some other place. He has his other friends with him. I was thinking of going to some place where the Holy Quran is finished in 5 days. This is because I wont getting time later when I have my practical internals. I even have classes every Saturday. Anyways I will start with it near my house - will see if something feasible is there later. It is also a known thing that finishing The Holy Quran so fast is not good.

ALLAH IS MY GOD

I came back from Taraveeh prayers a little before 10 pm. I felt good after spending some tiem in the mosque. I was late for Ishaan prayers and had to pray by myself - not with the congregation.

While I was standing for the prayer, I felt some insect crawl on my right feet. I tried not to think about it but it was too much an irritation for me that I couldn't ignore it. I first thought it as a mosquito that would fly away after having some blood - I have allowed this happen many times. But it was more than that. It was crawling too slowly and was such a discomfort for me. I could see some people around who were shooing away the mosquitoes even while in prayers but I preferred not to do anything like that. Then suddenly the movement of the insect intensified. It wasn't moving around much but perhaps circling on my feet. For once I thought it had pierced into my skin and was moving beneath it. I somehow had a look at it. It was still on top. Then it started moving up and got onto the sleeve of my trouser. I was finally relieved. After the prayer I shrugged it away.

I had perhaps never mentioned the name 'Allah' before in this blog of mine. I have always been writng 'God'. I don't know what had stopped me but today suddenly I felt that I must have things clearly mentioned. Allah is my God.

The first part of today's post was written around 8:15 pm. This at 11:15 pm. ... an extention. :)
I am not reviewing or editing anything.