Nothing much for today

I didnt do anything more than going to the class at CL. Rest of the time i spent silently in front of my computer and on the bed reading and thinking.

I asked my father to take us for some outing but my brother had to study so we stayed indoors.

Today afternoon and evening I wasn't me

I had only one class in the college today but I was there till 5 pm. I left home at 8:30 in the morning and was back at 9:10 in the evening.


The class I had in the college started at around 10:25 am. I went to the lab for print outs at 12:15 pm I guess and was there till 3:00 pm. I would have spent more time but there was a power failure. There were 4 sets of print outs I will along with a friend and we took around 200 pages for our work. It hasn't been completed yet. Till here my day was wonderful - full of happiness and cheer.

When I left the lab and was on the stairs I saw somebody sitting there with a friend. I kept my face bowed down as usual but this time I raised my eyes to have a look. That person had already turned the face away from me. That person knew I was there and wantedly didn't look at me. It seemed as if I am being ignored, dumped, hated ... it was hurting. I must learn how to keep my eyes to myself. Should I have not looked up at that person, I had been writing a jovial post today.

I sat behind the library with 2 of my friends and had kunch. I was not fine. Then we went to our football ground where some students of Mechanical department were constructing something like a helicpoter which they were terming as ... I don't remember, sorry. Without even telling my friend, I started moving towards some corner in the ground to sit there. They followed me. I simply can't write down the way I behaved there. I spoke what came to my mouth, I was playing with leaves, stones, ants, everything I could find around me. I was not conscious and not in control of myself. I was laughing but all the time I was afraid I would break into tears.

We sat there till 4:50 pm. My friends left me and I was alone. Perhaps lonely. I had my class at CL from 6:30 pm and it was hardly 5 pm now. I roamed around for some time. I dont know why I did that. I hope I would find someboday but also hoped that I dont get to see anybody.

Then I thought I should leave the college. I went to a near by busstand and stood there for sometime. I wanted to sit but there wasnt any place there. I went to 2 more busstands after that thinking that I would get some pleace to sit but all I got was some rest from the busstop's shelter columns. I had to pass time and it wasn't moving. Ther was nothing I could do. I think I felt that way.

I didnt go to CL because there again I would be alone till the class starts. Somehow I escaped those 70 minutes and I was at CL. I was very tired and was in no mood to concentrate in the class. Somehow I managed to participate in all the discussions and came back ome at 9:10 pm. My friend who is also my classmate there dropped me home else I would have reached home only at 10 pm.

My father had not parked the car properly so I had to take the weel in my hands after some weeks. I took it as a chance and drove for a few minutes. I took a turn in the dark streets of military area near my house. Then into Salarjung Colony and back to tolichowki speeding at 75kmph. I broke the rules today. I drove so fast with some havy flow of traffic. I hope nobody comes to know about this. I think I was feeling some anger when I was driving and it was evidnt from the force I was putting on the accelerator. I had the vehicle in my control no doubt. My father drives at 80 kmph sometimes.

I have been listening to slow songs since then.

It takes two to speak the truth. I don't have the other person to listen to it.

I am doing fine.

I don't want to live somewhere staying between being known and unknown, between visible and invisible, between being liked and disliked, between being spoken of and neglected, between being loved or hated. It is like hanging between the two ends of life that are defined as having life and also posessing it as one end and ... huh! what the heck ...

I do not know what I am doing and what I have done in the last 5 days. I am not getting the right person to talk to and express myself about this. And this blog is not the right place to do it. I want somebody who would talk back - blogs don't talk. But I also hope I never get such kind of a person. Its too much to handle. Actually the truth is that I don't deserve to have anybody like that because I don't think I can be the same kind of person for that person. I don't think I can myself listen to things I want to share now. So when that person has something like this to share I may not be willing to accept it. All this would be because I may not be loving that person. It is necessary that I love that person.

There are in two ways that the title of today's post is applicable to me. I will write down the first way. In relation to the previous paragraph, when I have something to say and when I don't find anybody - even if what I want to say is a big truth and it is necessary that it is said - it hurts. So I have no way to let the truth out. I can well write it here on the blog. But as I have already said, blogs don't speak.

Bottom line: The first line of today's post has no integrity. I don't say it's wrong. It just lacks intgrity.

Oops... ... ...

I just lost the idea that I had to update this blog. Its already 1:15 am now and I suppose this is not the right time for them to write - I am feelilng dead sleepy.

Yesterday I was cut off from teh internet as there was some mingling of the cables with some ganeesh procession! Its back now and I am glad it is. I posted the article I had written yestday night and it was something I had to think several times before publishing it. For those who may questions my intentions, there is only one thing I would like to say - I am not a sadist or a masochist.

Since yesterday my keyboard had been giving some problems. I was getting disconnected from its receiver. It has a small button that pairs with the one on the receiver and it was getting connected back again after I was pressing them simultaneously. Today I realised that it was time for me to change its batterries. I have been using the some ones - Duracell - since September 14th, 2004. Amazing capacity!... and of course - keyboard is mightier than sword!

Not bad - I think this is big enough to be called as an update!

Fool me to forgetting

I wrote 2 poems today. I gave no thought to what I was going to write - I opened MS-Word, started and what I got in words is on Gridlocked.

My yesterday's post was too lengthy - of more than 2100 words. But today I felt I had written a little more that what I should have actually written. I had no intentions to prove anything about my mother; I just wrote everything thinking that someday after few years I would read it and recollect the incident. I love my mother and I have nothing against her. She has a right to stop me from doing anything. But sometimes it may happen that I will be doing things against her will but those all shall be ethically and religiously correct. I will do my best not to hurt her yet get along with what I wish to do.

Today I was in the college at 9:20 pm. My sir was already in the class but he had not started teaching. In the afternoon I had a lab and I had decided that I would attend it at any cost. Only 3 of us were ready to attend it. Other followed us. Around 10 attended finally.

I didnt get to chat with any of my relatives or my friends today except one. Though 2 of my cousins are online presently (11:45 pm), I am invisible to them and I dont feel like chatting with anybody. I dont know but its simple ....

I had wanted to write things like I am a fool that I dont feel doing anything or I am not happy. But I guess I become more unhappy when I tell myself that I am unhappy. I think I will watch television for sometime before sleeping. I somehow have to change my mind and there is no crazy thing like the television that can fool me to forgetting.

Tomorrow is a holiday and I hope to do several things including the washing of the next set of my clothes and reading some papers I had kept. I also hope I get the right mood (again) to make me write a post for Flowing Emotions. I feel pathetic when I find my blogs starving for updates!

A strategy cut off from its 'origin of necessity' results in a tragedy

I had lately developed a sort of aversion towards all the songs of Westlife. Today I heard one - 'I have dream'. Then another - 'If I let you go'. I closed Media Player because I was starting to like those songs again' all those songs that have pulled me into deep.

Saturday: Just before leaving for CL I told my father about my plan to go to Gulbarga with my cousin. Some minutes before that I had very nice talks with my father and I knew he was in a very good mood. I thought it was the best time to tell him about my plan. Then I saw him fall asleep. I thought it would make things easier for me as telling him anything after waking him from sleep wouldnt get him annoyed because he wont be able to think anything on what I say. I had to wake him up anyways as I was leaving and he had to close the door. It was natural that he wouldnt mind if I wake him up. Just as he was closing the door I said, "my cousin is planning to go to Gulbarga on Sunday evening and even I would like to go with him". Even before he would say anything, I said, "we will talk about this in the evening". He replied in positive and I left.

At 10 pm in the night, I told about this again to my fahter. I asked him if he can allow me. He was looking positive again when my mother spoke up. She said she wont allow me to go. She said she is not going to give any permission even if my father agrees to it. When I turned to my fahter for help, he said he has no objection. My mother started all things about my studies and it was clear that she had no substantial reason for stopping me. I tried hard to know why she was stopping me and I could have no answer. I found myself fully correct in my request and as even my father was in my favor, I faught back. I spoke several things and we had some arguement.

Things calmed down in some time and though there wasnt any final decision made, even after I said, "I AM going", my mother was back to normal. If she had been really angry, she wouldnthave spoken to me so well after that talk. She was so sweet untill she went to sleep.

Sunday: She had to go to her office. I was trying to contact my cousin to inform him that I have the necessary permission and he had to finalise everyhting. I was trying to contact him but his cell was switched off and he was not at home. In the meanwhile I had a chat with my cousin in Gulbarga and he said he is waiting for us to arrive there. All I neede was a confirmation from my cousin.

He finally spoke in the evening around 5:30 pm. He said he was busy and he would take the permission from his parents and get back to me shortly. We even decided that we would leave early morning on Monday.

Around 8 pm I told my father that i would be laving the next mornig. He said fine ... but after tha followed an hour of arguement between me and my mother. she said what all she could speak without thinking. I was wondering all along if there was a single thing she really meant to say. I knew her blood pressure was high and she looses her control over herself when this happens. I simply didnt mind her telling all this. I also knew that she was trying to show anger and it looked so clear that she had already given me the permission to go and she was just throwing some left over talks on me.

After that everything was fine again and I was waiting for my cousin to call me back. I had soem nice time wiht my parents and my mohter asked me about the time I would be leaving and if I want her to cook something for me in the morning. Everything was pleasant and decded.

At this moment of time I felt I had become successful in understanding my parents to and extent and when I know I am not wrong, I can convince them for anything. Along with that I also told myself that I would never be doing anything wrong that is religiously and ethically incorrect. I knew that me going to Gulbarga had nohting wrong in it - I wasnt missing any of my prayers of doing anything bad. It was just 2 days of college that i was missing and that I knew is never a big problem.

He finally came online around 11:10pm. After greeting me he said, "sorry". I initially thought he was kidding. He then told me that he had been spending a lot of time with is friends and was coming home only in the nights so his parents didnt give him the necessary permission. My heart sank. He said he tried a lot and there seems to be no hope.


After hearing that from him, I started thingking who was wrong or what went wrong. If my cousin had got the permission from his parents, then we both would have been so happy. I knew even he was hurt. We had been planning this for the past 1 month and still were waiting for the right time. Everything collapsed.

I had faught with my mother for no reason - I didnt get anything from it. I faought with her and that itself is a personal loss. The way I was calling this a strategy came down crasing and turned into a kind of tragedy! I was in a big low after knowing that I wont be going.

Thenext day, today - Monday, I woke up at 8 am in the morning. I had slept late and I had to leavefor the college immediately. I was still sleepy so I thought I would sleep a little more and leave the first class. I woke up at 9:30 a. It was just 10 minutes my mother usually leaves for her office. I went straight into the bathroom thinking that I would tell my mother, that I am not going to Gulbarga but to college, after brushing my teeth. She was bit busy and I started ironing my clothes. I heard the door closing in theliving room. I realised that my mother had left. I was confused for a few seconds - she had spoken to me in the morning. It was for the first time that she didnt tell me that she was leaving or she had not even asked me to close the door. I had to tell her that I was not leaving for anyother place but was just going to the college.

She was angry with me. I was amazed thinking about that. I thought it was her ego. My father was supporting me and she didnt like that. She didnt like to see that I was going against somehting she was doing - stopping me. She didnt like me not listening to her. She had no other reason. I simply asked myself - 'are all girls like this?' I smiled, finished the ironing and got ready and went to take the lock just before leaving. I didnt find the keys there. It a kind of lock that doesnt require any keys for locking, just for openeing, and my mother had taken the keys with her thingking that I was leaving for Gulbarga and I wont be needing them. I understood tht I will be staying outside the house today at least till 6:30 pm when my brother arrives. He always has the second of the pair of keys.

Before leaving I wanted to call my fahter and inform him that I was not going to Gulbarga. His phone was not getting connected as his school always has problems wiht the network of Airtel. I left for the college. I was feeling as if I had no place to go with my parents thinking that I am not in Hyderabad and no keys with me. I was feeling week and different - I had never felt like this before. I tried calling my father several times even from the college but couldnt get him. Then I informed my uncle who works with my father to tell my father abut this.

He did and my fahter called me a couple of hours back on my friend's fone. I told him everything including that my mother didnt talk to me int he morning. He said she asked him if I am leaving and he told her that I wouldnt do anything without taking their permission. He said I would call them before I leave. I told him I felt very bad when she didnt talk to me. He said, "take it easy, she is like that always". I knew I had got he answer for the question I had asked myself some hours before 'are all girls like this?' If anybody likes to have a say on this please tell me. I know my mother was not angry with me, she just wanted to show some anger.

Before leaving in the orning she had kept eveything for me on the table - a boiled egg, then milk in the refrigerator and even food. She wouldnt have done it if she was angry. SHe just wnated to show that she wasnt happy with me. She wanted to ignore me, ... it looked like mischief to me. It looked childish. She spoke to me in the evening so well again as if nothng had happened. I dont know if my parent have discussed but I am sure they had some talk on this even before coming home.

Everything is perfectly fine now. My mother is all normal and she isnt showing any ego now! She was successful in stopping. Now a different thng that i didnt go due to some other reason.

I was ina very bad mood. I wanted to change it and when my friends spoke of going to a movie, I got ready immidiately. It was 'Lageyraho Munnabhai'. It was a nice, entertaining movie.

Some hours back I had a chat with a friend - actually an acquaintance. Since then I am into some mental unrest with my heart pounding. Its oemthing I cant discuss with anybody and my tension will continue till I get something pacifying to know. It will take time and till then I will be reeling under under pressure to know the truth. I simply dont understand why some people are not so direct and frank. How long am I going to wait to know the truth? Till the time I am done with my engineering? I expect to see the worst part of my life then. And yet I am waiting for that day to come. It going to sweep me off my feel.

I was thinking if I have one single person with whom I can share everything I think, feel and decide. I dont have anybody like that. I have my sister but I dont get to talk to her so frequently. Perhaps the person I need is called a best friend and nobody can be my best friend staying some 210 kilometers away from me. This needs a lot fo thinking.

Anyways I am still keeoing myself with 'The Island'. I am still planning what all to write. Even some other topics are going on but I need some matter that would give me a complete post and not some small sentences. I suppose even the topic 'best friend' would be good!

I have already written so much and i dont have the patience to review and correct it.

A long day today

When I went to bed yesterday (today morning) and was setting the alarm on the phone, I saw the time 2:30 am. I set the alarm for 8:13 am and woke up even before it went ringing. The phone was with my father and he came to me to let me know about it. I was at Deccan college at 10:30 am.

I had planned to meet a friend there. We had to talk on something and yesterday night we decided that it would be here. I came back home at around 1:50 pm. On my way back home I preferred walking some distance - a little more than a kilometer. I simply felt that I should take a stroll. But there was a lot of pollution and I realised I should have taken some bus or auto.

I slept after coming home. Before that I had a chicken roll. My grandfather was not well so my parents had taken him to the doc. They were back till I arived and mygrandfather is doing fine now. I woke up and at 6:35 pm I was at CL. There was a lot of traffic on my way to Ameerpet and I was late by 5 minutes. But as the class started even more late, I missed nothing. I had the class till 9 pm. I was back home at 9:50 pm. It was my first class of LRDI (logical reasoning based data interpretation).

I finally spoke to my father about myplan for Gulbarga. I told him about that just before leaving for CL. He was sleeping at that time and I told him that we would talk about it in the night. When I spoke about it during dinner he was in my favor - he was ready to let me go. It was my mother how is stoppin me now. But I guess somehow I can manage and I shall leave tomorow evening unless my cousin plans some thing. I hope this time nothing goes wrong. Its about just 2 days and I will b back on Tuesday evening. I really hope I leave tomorrow evening. I still have to get the final confirmation from my cousin.

"The Island"

The title of my next post on Flowing Emotions will be the same as the one of this update. Its going to be more personalised where I intend to speak of some things I had never written or spoken about. Now it will be a different thing what I would be posting - I may have to be more creative and give out more thoughts better than the way I write.

Today I had a good day - spent lots of time joking wiht my friends. After coming home I didnt sleep even though I was feeling sleepy. I had wanted to control myself and I did it today. Then I arranged all my clothes I had washed yesterday. I felt so relieved seeing my clothes arranged in perfect order. I have more such exercises to do!

Since many days back my cousin and I had been secretly planning to go to Gulbarga. The time has come when I will be speaking to my father about that. And I know his answer. He wont let me go and I am going to spend some hours depressed about it. How amazing I know beforehand how things are going to be framed by my parent's understanding that I can't take care of myeslf. I dont expect them to believe that I can - I know how misserably I failed with something when I was in the first year of my engineering!

If at all there is something called as luck, then I am the luckiest.

When 2 of my friends told me that they were going to bunk the class in teh afternoon today, it took me no time to decide that I would be accompanying them. I later found that it was a wrong thing I had done. They ragged a junior (asked him to act as if he is driving some F1 car then a bike), and wasted a lot of time near the canteen. I could have left for home and did something productive. I had thought of starting with some homework I have to complete before Saturday, but I simply couldnt get the right things to start on that.

Yesterday I received the CDs I had ordered on canonical.com The CDs were of UBUNTU, an operating System based on Linux. I want to have it instelled on mysystem but unfortunately my CD ROM isnt working. They have sent me 5 copies of the software and all this was free of any charge.

I had writtn the title of this post 2 hours back and saved it as a draft. It is what I have always felt and had already written once on this blog. I have what I had always wanted to have ... even more than that actually. All things came at the right time. Further more, it feels nice when I call myself the luckiest; I doesnt make me feel like a looser.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party of a friend. Actually we are not friends but as I was invited along with my other friends, I went along. Initialy I was a bit uncomfortable being there, but it was fine later.

My sister's wedding date has finally been decided. It will be 21st of December. I am eagerly looking forward to the occasion. Again I will get a chance to have all my cousins here except for those who live abroad. But its going to be a little of emotional for all of us I guess - my sister is perhaps the most cuddled one. She may be leaving for US as soon as she gets married. But thers a problem - I will have to go to Guntur to attend the reception function!

I do not know aht I am writing today but I have been tring to put manytings. I have already typed and deleted so much. Until some weeks back I had the freedom of writing anything I wanted do, but now its different - I am being made to think about who would read it and what he/she would think about.

Today I finally started with the washing of my clothes. I did the first set today. I think I will have to do 2 more of them. I had accumilated more than 30 shirts and trousers. It was big task - I first had to wash some dirt out from collars and cuffs and then load them into the machine. It hardly took an hour once I switched the machine on. I will go for the next 12 clothes tomorrow.

Emotional crap!

I shall write more here, as I have been doing all these days, starting from tomorrow. Though I had time today, I didnt wish to write because if I had written anyting, I felt I may end up regretting it! I didnt find myself in the right frame to write a post that would be decent enough to be here. It could have been another emotional crap!

Where am I standing again?

I have my internals going on. I did the first one a "little not so good" but the second was fine. All this time in the evening I have been trying to study but there is only one answer I have gone through till now. I do not know what I am going to write tomorrow. Heheh ...