I hope I am forgiven .... But by whom?

It was a long day today. I slept yesterday at 2:30 am and woke up today at 9:15 pm. I was at Career Launcher at 12 pm sharp. I had my first class there as a back up for the ones I have missed till now. I was the only student presnt in the class and the instructor was too good. The class was very interesting - on english usage. After some explanation, I wrote a test of 45 minutes. I had to attempt 117 questions and the marks I scored, according to the instructor, were better than what other students do for that particular test.

I was the only student in the class. I never knew it would be even this way - they take a class even when only one student is present. I even have the facility of getting a class scheduled for me if I happen to miss any of the regular classes. And sitting alone in the class was a new thing for me. I had all my concentration with the lecture with nothing disturbing me. It was the same in the evening too when I was ther at 6:30. I wrote 3 more tests in the evening.

The classes are a lot different from what I see at my college. The lecturers here are more comitted towards the students and they give personal attention. They already know my name. I am constantly being asked if I am following. Unlike at the college, I will never think of anything else sitting in the class room here.

Yesterday in the college, after listening to some comment from my DBMS sir, I got some new thing in my mind - I dont care which section I am in, all I need is to finish my engineering as soon as possible. I know it will be hard for me to part from my friends, but this is exactly what I want. I am desperate to get away from this city and study at some very nice business school before I leave for US. I will give my best to be in US in the same city my sister will be.

I had a chat with her today and felt very good after that. We had lots of jokes and kept some old things away from the talk. But I told her that when we are in US - whenever it is - we are never going to talk about somebody. She said 'yes'. Then I told her that I am going to save this today's chat and she it to her if she talks on that. I even said that I will keep reminding myself again and again that I never have to talk about that somebody. Then we spoke on several things before she left. She said she ill be here in September.

So things are more clear for me now. After engineering, its MBA and then US. All I have to do is get through CAT, GD and PI successfully and put myself under a lot of strain for 2 years. And never allow myself get disturbed with any unwarranted things. I have hard ties ahead and I am alo worried about my performance at the college. I need to somehow keep the percentage above 75. This is a it of shame for me but things have mde me that way - settle for less. I blow away everything in a laugh. . ... thats the best way to hide things!

The class ended at 9 pm and thnx to a friend who has joined CL, I was home at 9:30 pm as he dropped me on his bike. His house is around 7 kilometers from mine.

I was just thinking what would happen to me if I fail to get through all this. There woul be no place for me to hide my face from myself. I dont have much to think about what others would say, but I cant face myself if anything goes wrong.

And I am in a grave problem if somebody is expecting something from me in the final year. I had given my words to that person saying something I meant will all my heart. I am going to break those words. I hope I am forgiven .... but by whom? Am I being silly? Phew! ... again.

My post for yesterday: Huh and Phew!

In the picture of my school days, I am the rightmost person in the row second from down. It was taken in my 10^th standard. The teachers, from left, are Mrs. Laxmi Krishnan, Mrs. Rupa Kulkarni, Mrs. Jukta Ahluwalia, Bro. Prabhakar Reddy, and Mrs. Pavitra …. I have forgotten the names of the last two of them. My favorite sir, Mr. E A Francis, who taught me English from class 8, is missing in the photograph. Even the most hilarious sir, Mr. Bakshi, who taught me Physics in class 10, is also not there. I don’t remember much of my school days except of some old memories that come into me when I am in some weird mood. I remember my first day to the school – on June 13^th, 1990. Before that I had been to some school near my house at Mehdipatnam, Amba Gardens. I had joined that school when I was 2 and half years of age.

Today, after coming home I arranged all my books, put all old news papers in the right place, cleared my table, cleared my computer, and even arranged the shelf where I stack all my books and CDs. It looks nice now. I still have to put my clothes in the washing machine. I haven’t done it for the past 20 days and I have a big heap of clothes lying in some place in my parent’s bedroom. It will take two rounds of washing to clear them. Then I will have to give them for ironing to the laundry person who visits every Sunday. I haven’t gotten any of my clothes ironed in the last 2 weeks and I had been managing my clothes somehow by wearing them repeatedly. I usually don’t wear any shirt for more than once in 19 days. I think I didn’t do that – I broke a rule I had on myself.

As long as my books were lying on the divan in the living room, my parents were constantly after me – I knew they were right. But now, after I have put everything right, I didn’t even a word from them about that. I don’t want any praise about that, I just need to know that they have sent hat I have done the work.

I opened my computer today. I broke its guarantee seal. It already 11 months since that thing expired. I even broke my optical drive’s guarantee seal. I got to learn so many things from all this today. I removed the AGP card from my cousin’s PC and tried it on my computer. His mother board seems to have some problem. I tried his monitor with my CPU, and then my CPU with his monitor, tried things with the VGA ports, and finally concluded that it is his mother board that has some problem. I had my friend with me to assist me with all this.

I have been thinking about writing some poems for the last 3-4 days. I don’t know why I am not writing. Tomorrow I have to attend 2 classes at CL. One at 12 noon which will help me catch up with the syllabus I have missed and another at 6:30 pm which will be the regular scheduled class. I have found something interesting here in CL – if I miss some class, I can get it scheduled for myself at a time suitable for the instructor and me. I have never seen this kind of thing before given that I no institutes ever care for students who bunk any classes. It’s different here.

I have my first internals starting form Monday. After some serious thinking I found myself a bit of uncomfortable with 3 of the 5 subjects I have. I will give some brief reading for them tomorrow. I have to manage time properly in the coming days. I have many tings to learn. Its not enough that I call foolish – I need to work it out and change myself. I am thinking about it for several months. That’s all I am doing. God save me from my … whatever it is! … :D Huh!

I missed my afternoon class today just because some of my class mates told me that they are not going to attend it. I thought they would be no class and I left college for home. Later my friend told me that there was a class conducted and some students did attend it. I don’t want to miss any classes now; I have already missed a lot because of y cousin’s marriage, and several other things I am not convinced with.

Today I had a birthday party to attend. It was of a small girl who lives on the ground floor of my house. She is the daughter of my neighbor. They had invited us, but I didn’t fell like going. My mother scolded me and even my father wasn’t happy with me. Whenever my mother had not felt like going to some party, I was the one who used to shout at her. It was her chance this time. It is a compulsion that we attend a function when we have been invited – this is according to the holy Sunnath. I violated it today. I simply didn’t feel like going. I got a chicken roll for myself and had it sitting in front of the television. I hardly remember what I have seen on it.

But later after my parents and bother were back, my neighbors sent a few things for us - biryani, chocolate cake, etc.. I ate a little of these two too.

Now that I have arranged my books, there is some kind of new feeling in the living room. It looks a part of my house! Now, when I sit in front f the computer and turn towards my right, I find all the books aligned into the shelf evenly in respect to their sizes. It looks as if I am a very studious and a hardworking person!

The first book on the right is Linux 6 Unleashed. Then the next are Managerial Economics, C How to Program, Database System Concepts, Microprocessor Systems, Data Communications and Networking, A diary in which I store all the currency notes of various countries my father and I have collected over these years, then a book that is a collection of some 12 works by Khaleel Gibran (I don’t understand why he used to paint pictures portraying nudity – some of them are included in this book and it has always made me uncomfortable while I read it), Operating System concepts, Compact Oxford Reference, Personality Plus, Dictionary of Phrasal Verbs, Dictionary of Idioms, Northern Nights (I have ‘stopped’ reading it now), The Fountainhead, Rage of angels and Nothing Lasts Forever. Then there is the stereo that fits into my car’s music system followed by a telephone directly which only my father maintains. There is also the digital assistant (which is not working) lying in the corner.

I have written all this just to write something. It was interesting for me – writing what exists on my left when I sit in front of my computer - because this is what I see so frequently everyday. I have reviewed nothing in this post … I write this so many times, phew!

There was some problem with blogger yesterday. Even today it did trouble me.

Where am I standing?

I opened the 'create post' page long back and was ting about what I am supposed to write for today. I started writing something that was more of directness and may be God didn't want me to post it. The power went off. Now that I am writing again, I think I should put things from a different angle - more sarcastic!

Today I went to buy books with my friend. Thnx to him; he helped me bargain - I am not good at it. Before buying the books we went to his house and also had chicken rolls. I reached home by 6:30 pm

In the morning I was at Career launcher's office. I have enrolled myself there and my classes will be on Saturday and Sunday - 6:30 tp 8:30 pm and 9:30 to 11:30 a respectively. I have taken this schedule so that even if I have any tests or exams going on in the college, I will not have to skip any classes here. Now after taking the admission, I feel something different, a kind of responsibility of the expectations my parents have from me. They dont know the size of my expectations I have frommyself and how badly I have been hurt in the past ....

I am now trying to relive some old dream I had.

Today a friend of mine asked me "what are YOU doing now a days?". The toughest question I had faced before was from a friend which was in reply to a very 'foolish' letter I had written in the month of October last year.

I do know what I am doing now a days. And I know that I am not supposed to do it. But I know what I will be doing in the days to come and I knwo that I am supposed to do that. I have compared somebody with me today, yesterday and even somedays back! I am still wondering who is better. Does anybody have a frank answer? I know people who know me have it!

Huh! ... too much is always bad!

I have been given some material by CL and I have already started reading it. They have also given me a magazine - Management Compass. I have read a few articles from it and I really found them of my interest. They are more fromt eh corporate world giving information about the present moves by many major companies int India and also the by the Indian government. There is also a section that speaks in short about the latest happening in India that can make some difference everywhere - all this just to prepare me for CAT. I am surely going to like it.

I was thinking that I really dont have somebody with me who would tell me about me so that I could turn myself into something much better. I always get different opinions and they come in packets which are hard to interpret. I know it is always difficult to be frank. I know even I am nt hat frank. But still ...

I also wanted to tell that I have stopped reviewing my posts on this blog before publishing them. There may be many spelling and gramatical mistakes. I dont feel like readin what I have written. I find it easier to write - rather!

I have walked through places for 12 years

My School: All Saints'

Where am I? This is my class pic taken when I was in 10th standard

CL

I was back home by 3:15 pm today. Our sir left us early and I didnt wait int he college for anybody or anything! I wanted to be at home. I slept for some time and just spent the time doing nothing much. Tomorrow I will start preparing for my internals that stat on Monday.

Tomorrow I may most probably take admission at Career Launcher. I was confused even till now, but I guess I have to take soem action and its for CL. I understand that its more of my hard work that would give results and not any institute. They can just guide me. Tomorrow I will leave home in the morning with my mother and we will directly go to CL's office. The office is at Amerpet and when I went there for the first time, it took me 35 minutes to search for it. I was feeling like a stranger to my own city. I was continously looking at the buildings around me searching for the place and I was feeling guilty because I didnt have my head down. I finally had to up them up and ask for the right location.

Today my father got some repair done to our car. There was soem noice coming formt eh front-left wheel whenever the car was being turned left. There was some problem with the axel an it has been fixed now. A complete wash couldnt be done as the person incharge of that at the place we take our car, wasn't present.

Why do people want to lose when they really have nothing to lose?

I spent around 3 hours with a friend today evening. We were trying to burn a few DVDs and we fell short of time. Then he had some tensed moments after receiving a fone call. He is fine now

Today I got 16,000 rupees as promised by my mother. I am supposed to pay for the caoching classes for CAT which I may take up shortly. I feel some more tension in my heart with every day passin by and CAT 2007 nearing to me. I have to get through it somehow. Thats my basic goal for the present moment.

Today is supposed to be a night on which we are supposed to pray. To be frank, I never came across any concrete proof that it is mandatory to pry all night. It was more than 1400 years back that this particular night was blessed because our prophet (PHUH) was shown he heaven and manythings. It nice if people pray but taking it as a compulsion and staying awake awake all night is somehting like unfavorable. Allah should be always worshipped ... we dont need any special events for that.

So finally I posted the last thing in series on the blog I had made to wish my friend on birthday. I am really happy that I could do it as planned. But now I am afraid - I need to find a new thing when I have to wish some other friend!

I read about the cricket match between Pakistan and England. It has been said by some fools that it was an insult to Pakistan. Why do they want to get politics into cricket? Do they think cricket or any other game is played between countries? Dont they understand that its just the name of the countries that are involved? Loss of a team is a loss to that team and not the country. Why do people want to lose when they really have nothing to lose?

I bunked the morning class and spent time at the library doing some assignment which I was asked by my friend not to submit cos they had not done it. I was glad being with them. We were never asked by our mam for anything related to that.

Huh!

I was simply thinking about how soon I would be leaving my Hyderabad. I have less than 2 years for my engineering to end nd I will leave this place for an MBA. I, for every reason I know, do not wish to stay here for long. I dont want to leave India before i finish my dtudies, and once I am done, I dont want to stay here. Memories shall tighten me bit by bit and I will learn to endure the tightness.

Today I had no class in the evning. I came home a little early and my friend accompanied me. Later in the night I had soe long chat with him. I tried to be frank. All along the talk I had only one thing in mind ... huh! Damn it!

TIME or CL

I missed two days. I dont know why I didnt update yesterday. I was using internet till 12 midnight and I knew all the time that I should be writing something for the blog but I jus didnt do it. Perhaps I wanted to be alone!

Tomorrow I dont want to go to college, I dont feel like - I want to be alone for a day - but I will still go. I have to - ther is no rational reason, my attendance is less.

Yesterday we celebrated my friend' b'day. We got the gift, a bean bag directly delivered to the house. Then we went to the coffee day at Jubilee Hills in the afternoon. After that I went to the college to take prints outs of some lab and then to a friend's house. Later to y grandparents' house and back home.

Friday I didn't post anything because of a friend who hurt me. I asked to him to read my blog before sleeping and he said he is going to sleep early. I had wanted to write and vent out everything I had in my mind but I kept calm. I had to ... I was terrible. he said he believes me yes he also believes that I can lie. That means i am not a trust worthy person. This was the last thing I wanted to hear. At least from him.

Some months back my sister told me something - when you approach closer to the end of your professional course, you will clearly begin to understand who is your friend, your good friend, and your best friend, you will know who all are going to stand by you and who will leave you.

As she was saying this, I was thinking that she was wrong. I was thinking that I will never hav to see anything of such kind. I was wrong! Thanx aapi.

She was in Hyderabad for the last 3 days - shopping for her wedding scheduled in December. She came to my house in the morning today and I was overwhelmed to see her again. She said she will now be making up and down trips to Hyderabad regularly and she will definitely stay at my house sometime when she is here. I will be desperately waiting for that. My aunt, her mother, gave me a t-shirt. And also asked me to come to Gulbarga. My father never feels that way - he says its only when he wants, that I should go. The reason - I am too small to go without my parents. Am I so small or young?

Later today at 2 pm I went to the office of Career Launcher. I had written their test last Sunday and I scored a percentile of 84.57. They gave me some counselling kind of thing. I am going to join either TIME or CL in the next cmoing days. I had plans of joining this week itself, it got delayed as TIME has no batches starting at the moment.

Int he eveing my father took us for a drive. We went to some bakery on Rajendranagar road close to Bangalore Highway. I had some Pizza there. I am back home feeling something I dont like to.

ISN-TUNDUK

Today I finally uploaded the spoof of a song my brothers have made on google videos. It seems to be still under some processing and the final video is not out for viewing yet. I am waiting for it. It took me around 3 hours to upload it. When I first started it, it got stuck after an hour of uploading. I had to start again. I am glad its over.

Today i came home at 7 pm and I will write about the reason why I was late on Saturday. I had a good day today with chats with many people mostly my cousines.

I am posting here an article written by my cousin on an organisation he is working with, He and even I are now interested in having this here in India too and we are working on it. We plan to get it registered with the government as an NGO. We stillhave a lot of paper work to do and it will take a while. Those interested can read on ---

"Suggested Headline: “ISN-TUNDUK”: Boon to Student Initiatives.

Prepared by:

A Student of International High School of Medicine,

International University of Kyrgyzstan

Bishkek: Students’ are an important part of the society. They constitute the majority of the professionals in any country around the globe. Students’ have young, fresh and creative minds which can surely lead to the development of ideas that can be positive and helpful to the society, country and its people and the world. Many student organizations operate around the world and one such community was started in Kyrgyzstan also.

Keeping this ideology in mind, Students’ from Kyrgyzstan, Russia, Turkey, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Kazakhstan, India and Pakistan etc. joined hands in hands to form an international cooperative community called as the ‘International Student Network’ “(ISN)-TUNDUK” here in Bishkek, the Kyrgyz republic. The meaning of ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ is: ISN means the international group of students from different countries including Kyrgyzstan. ‘TUNDUK’ is the golden colored national symbol which is inscribed onto the center of the National Flag of Kyrgyzstan which depicts the total number of communities and tribes of people living in Kyrgyzstan; in short it can be bannered as ‘THE PEOPLE OF KYRGYZSTAN’. Together ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ can be described as the organization that deals in the development and welfare of the students, needy and poor people of Kyrgyzstan through student cooperation nationally and internationally. The main mission behind ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ is the development of communities through student cooperation.

The base which formed the office for ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ was officially granted free of cost representing its head office by International High School of Medicine, International University of Kyrgyzstan to promote student initiatives and fulfill their dreams.

First of all, it aims to contribute to the development of civil society in Central Asia by turning talents, skills and experience gained by student community to practical uses, such as cross-culture dialogue, improving educational standards for international diploma recognition, supporting poverty and encouraging tourism in Kyrgyzstan and the region among the youth etc. It conducts trainings, seminars, educational fairs and organizes meetings for representatives of universities, local governments and NGOs.

Secondly, the motto in this case is to make Kyrgyzstan popular to the outside world so that people around the world know the importance of Kyrgyzstan, its values, tradition, culture and people through which tourism sector could be developed. ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ believes in uniting students from the entire world as ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ is not restricted to Kyrgyzstan or the region but for students from the entire world in order to develop Kyrgyzstan mainly.

Thirdly, ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ is engaged in promoting English language and making members realize the importance of English and its use as an international dialect worldwide because all members and participants of ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ speak in English. Books, Pamphlets, Guides, Text books and Dictionaries are a part of the ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ library which acts as tools in the promotion process.

Fourthly, ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ is engaged in the process of uniting students from various universities across Kyrgyzstan and the world. Representatives of ‘ISN-TUNDUK’ personally meet the administrative staff of universities and discuss with them the need for nest cooperation among students of either university. Debates and game competitions are ensured that are the main events which promote such type of associations. Many such associations among universities have been formed yet. OPINIONS:-

‘Adult population has experience and money but have no time for implementation of their good will in development but this is contrast in case of youth as they have time but no money’, ‘Kyrgyzstan has strong natural and political recourse for support of student’s activities’ says Dr. Elena P. Alekseeva who is a Pediatrician by profession but is the founder and expert member of ‘ISN-TUNDUK’.

“Students have the potential to perform activities that are profitable to the humanity, with much zeal and enthusiasm when compared to other professionals”, says Mir Ali Muhzamedziev general manager of a Tours and Travel Company located at Kievskaya.

Students who are in the medical field (doctors) have taken up the task of educating people towards AIDS awareness and other dangerous diseases, proper usage and dosage of drugs, sanitation and hygiene. “Informing people about the prevention of hazardous diseases is more important than its cure” says Radhika Namburi who is a 1st year student of medicine and member of “ISN-TUNDUK”. “People should be educated on using condoms and having safer sex and should be emphasized in the usage of disposable and sterile syringes to prevent AIDS epidemic” feels SMRK Sagar, 2^nd yr student of medicine, also an active member studying in ISM, IUK.

Students constituting the economics, commerce and law field have taken the responsibility to educate the people on paying taxes on time, insuring themselves and setting up seminars and camps in order to make people realize the minus points of Kyrgyzstan and other countries joining the HIPC initiative. “Our organization will give an opportunity to each student to integrate and unite to overcome cultural misunderstanding and finally gain tolerance in our society”, says Altynai Djumasheva, a Kyrgyz law student who is also a member studying in Kyrgyz Russian Slavic University. “This is a fantastic opportunity to learn from each other, to achieve dreams and unite for a better future; Out of one smile we can make a laugh, and out of one action we can make a difference” feels Solomatova Alexandra, also student of Kyrgyz Russian Slavic University.

Students in the engineering and biotechnology field give advice to people on new agricultural techniques, water conservation and ecological education and also keeping the people informed regarding internet and its usage. “People should learn how to use the internet which is the basic necessity these days to bring nations and people closer to each other” says Zain Javed, Pakistani student, also a member. “It is very important to guide the people regarding the pollution and how to recycle waste products for a healthier ecology” says Cholpon Junusova, student of Kyrgyzstan Manas Turkey University, also a member.

Active ISN-TUNDUK members and students such as Zain Javed and Moazzem of Pakistan and Girish, Prince and Mustafa of India have similar views. All student members actively take part in charitable activities organized regularly by ISN-TUNDUK in Orphanages and Old Age Homes. Members collect donations, old clothes, buy candies and chocolates and distribute them in these needy places in the suburbs of Bishkek and other cities across Kyrgyzstan.

ISN-TUNDUK is determined to make a contribution in strengthening democratic process, fostering freedom speech and media with its promotion in Central Asia and overseas, providing better opportunities for professional development of students and developing contacts with colleagues from other countries. Such organizations will surely help in the development of the world and is the solution to many sociological problems oh humanity in the world."

Definitely the name of my cousin was there on top of this article but I had removed just to make it fit for my blog. I have a rule for not having any names on this blog - at least intentionally. There are many names in the above article and none of these respected are known to me. I have posted the complete article without reviewing it. But I do take its responsibility. The names here belong to the article and not my blog - I have nothing to do with them! I know I am a bit confused with what I am trying to write but whatever it is, it is with the best of intentions. There seems to be some problem with the formatting of this post - I dont have the patience to put it right, please.