When you close your eyes you can see what you want to see

I am just back from a reception party. I had attended the marriage on Thursday. It was the marriage of my second cousin whom I never met. Precisely she also happens to be the dughter of my father's friend who by coincidence became a relative 21 years back. It was on Thursday that I took 'The Da Vinci Code' from my cousin. I had asked him to get the book for me from somewhere and he took it from his friend's sister. So, I had to return the book in a very short time. My memory was telling me that the reception was on Saturday so I gave full commitment to the book and finished it in a very short time. Later I recollected that I could have delayed the finish by another day. But I was happy I could do it so fast. Yesterday night I even packed up with the other book I was reading - 'Becoming A Person Of Influence'.

Next I wanted to read 'Nothing Lasts Forever' by Sydney Sheldon. But the first page I saw in that book was its last page - the epilog. My eyes fell on the sentence - "... Mallory was imprisoned for life...". I was sure I had destoyed all the pssible suspense. I won't read that book now. I started 'Emotional Intelligence'. It is a research work on human psychology and emotions. It is a good book.

I was searching for 'Personality Plus'. Today I had detailed discussions with my uncle at the party on people skills and he shared with me his life experiences - I shall write about them shortly. I enjoyed talking to him and he told me that he will give me 'Personality Plus' shortly.

The last few days I was totally cut off from the world around me. I just had the Holy Grail running in me! I enjoyed the book. I didn;t know I could finishe 489 pages in a little more than 2 days. It was Saturday on which I cou;ldn't continue the book in the morning, I had to wait till 3 pm, I was at a relative's house.

Int he last few days I passed by manythings in my mind but unfortunately I couldn't record them anywhere. I didn't update my blogs and so I missed writing my thoughts. I really felt bad that I had to skip few days of updates.

And by the way I had seen my 2nd year's 2nd semister's results. I got 71.58%. I was happpy seeing that I had passed in a subject I thought would let me down. In fact I got 20 marks more than the passing number. But still I h wished a better % ... I am very happy though. No regrets for what has passed. I have my ;life open in front of me.

Tuesday early morning an aunt of mine is coming to India. She is my father's younger sister and she lives in Mecca. I am desperately waiting to meet her and her family. Its always a month filled with lots of happiness when they are here. Meeting them itself gives me a lot of pleasure. My cousin sister who is 6 years of age has a good rapport with me. I remember last year when I would sit with her and helped her read her story books. She is really a fast learner and she reads words and sentenses which usually the children of her age are not expected to. She is amazing so are her other brothers and sister. My uncle is a fabulous human being.

On Saturday when I was at my grandparents' house reading the novel my cousins were continously with me in the drawing room where I wanted some silence. Once 2 of thm came to me fighting with eachother. One of them asked "am I the height that reaches your shoulder?" He reaches below my elbow when I stand. I was busy and I said "no". Both of them continued their fighting and went away. Then it was the less-than-4-years one. He was continuously playing on the sofa and I seldon paid any attention to him. Every few minutes he would sit on my legs, play with my hair, kiss me and run away. I was deep into the book - I had to return it shortly then!

My cold is still bugging me. I have completed my short course of antibiotics. Though my throat is fine, my nose isn't.

I am currently having a frenc beard. Every who meets me says that I look many years older than I am. I am not paying any attention to this comment but this is just a short time in which I thought of having this style. I have reduced the density of the hair today using the scissors and by the time my colleges start, it will be no more - most probably.

At 11:15 pm today, Saturday, I finished my date with 'The Da Vinci Code' which I had started at 12 midnight on Thursday - between Thursday and Friday. It was a continous rendezvous with the exceptions of deliberate breaks for prayers, meals, sleep, trips to nearby stores, trips to bathroom and a visit to my gransparents' residence. It was deviod of any disturbances through the telephone, the internet and any personal contacts with any outsiders.

Anything mild looks severe when we favor the effect

After a lot of 'yes' and 'no' I come out wiht my post of Flowing Emotions. And this time I am satisfied with what I have written - not like previous ones that had made me feel otherwise. A few days back I had posted a poem too on Gridlocked.

I wanted to write for Flowing Emotions but my cold prevented me from doing it. It was as if my brain was closed. Only one of my nostrils was staying open which was a big discomfort to me. It is a little similar even now but it is better than yesterday. I have been immidiately put on antibiotic medication and that has removed all taste from my tongue. I feel something bad in my mouth now. This will continue till I am done with the capsules.

I took up a big part of 'Becoming a Person of Influence' today. I expect me to complete tomorrow. I will start with the reading of a novel next. I am waiting for my cousin to get 'The Da Vinci Code' to me but if that doesnt happen in a day or two I will start 'Nothing Lasts Forever' by Sidney Sheldon. I have taken it from my aunt and I have to return it. Next (whenever it comes), I will go for 'Emotional Intelligence' by Daniel Goleman. I have read some pages from inbetween this book and things look pretty interesting.

Yesterday my medicines kept me sleeping for most of the time. The medicines for coled are usually mild sedatives. Anything mild looks severe when we favor the effect - here sleeping.

Immature Superhero Entertaining Immature Audience

When I woke up in the morning at 5 am I had a terrible cold. It was not that terrible but something was wrong in my throat and nose. I took a tablet and slept again. When I woke up again at 9:45 am I had to take another tablet. My mother asked me to feed the cold. I knew she was joking with me. I had some hot coffee afterward and ven now I can feel something uncomfortable in my throat. It is not exactly pain but it is irritating.

I had thought of writing for my blog in the early morning. But I guess I will have to wait for that till I am perfectly alright. I can't use put other efforts on myself as long as my throat is taking all of it.

Yesterday night (actually today very early morning) I slept at 2 am. It was nice to see that I slept immidiately after falling in the bed.

Earlier yesterday I had been to a movie. It promised to show me the first superhero if the Indian cinema. I was wondering why that superhero behaved childishly in the first half of the movie. According to me superheroes are supposed to be mature. But he was everything but that. It could have been a box office hit if it was not targetted at children. The worst part was the audience clapping at some of the stunts. Were they clapping at the superhero or his computerised stunts? Don't they know the whole world has seen better things in english movies and thi was just an immitaion of that? But this movie will definitely work, it has everything the 'Indian' audience wants - a hero (this time 'super'), a heroine, some (or many) songs, a vilian, beautiful locations, Singapore, stunts we can laugh at, and a happy ending!

Yesterday I had a very nice chat with my cousin. It was nice talking to him after a long time for a long time. We spoke about various things including my cousin's marriage in July. I was telling him why I don't want to attend any parties but still I am compelled to. He was shocked when I said this but later he too agreed with me and he said even he doesn't like to attend any but this time he willbecause it is our sister getting married. I hope everything goes out smoothly with nobody asking me questiong which I may not be able to answer with integrity.

It's 26ht today and I am left with 13 more holidays. I am glad I will be back there but I feel sorry for all the things I had planned to do but couldn't do. But this was for the first time I can say I didn't waste my days. In comparison to my past vacations, I have done a lot this time. These was probably the last time I had so many holidays, the next year I may be busy preparing or some tests.

Somedays back someone asked me about my plans after engineering. I said I will be persuing post-graduation in business administration - MBA. I was asked back in a manner that looked as though I was a fool in deciding that. I was asked why I won't be doing MS. The reason for this question, as stated by that person, was that this would give me a good job. I gave a small reply. I said I will do MBA beacuse I am interested in doing it.

When the first time I saw a computer when I was in kindergarten, at my mother's office, I had decided that I am going to learn to use it. Later in my 7th standard I decided that I shall do my engineering in Computers. After 2001 I was told by many people many times that computers were 'out'. I didn't listen because I was not for something that was 'in' or 'out' but for something I liked. I had no intentions of making a job out of computers for myself. I was interested in business management too.

I took computer sciences because I liked computers and I wanted to study them, not get a job. I will do MBA because I want to, not get a job. A job is secondary and my interests are primary. In the near future should I get a chance to lear more about journalism and arcitecture, I will do that too. Just to fullfill my interests and not to get a job. Right from my childhood I was told by my parents that I am studying for myself - not for the market (to become it's slave), and not for others' interests.

I waited for more than an hour waiting to get soemthing to write on with the blank screen in front of me. I got nothing. Actually I didn't feel like writing what I thought. So thoughts are really mad and foolish, this feeling was one among them. I will write tomorrow morning when I drive crazyness out of me!

A few days back in one of my updates in this space Ihad written the following -

"Today when I woke up at 12 I found no one at home. The main door was open and I was shocked to find that my brother who had not gone to his college today was not home. When he came back from his school ( thats what he said), where he had gone to take his certificates, I scolded him. He said he informed when I was sleeping and replied too!"

Today some one anonymous commentd on it saying it was bad of me scolding my brother. That person also said "no offence meant".

I have no idea who that person was but I can tell a lot about the mindset of his/her. But all I would like too say is that my father too was unhappy at mu brother later in the vening because of the same reason. I was not wrong in scolding him. He knows he should have awaken me completely before leaving. But as soon as the scolding was over everything was normal and we forgot everything.

Yesterday I went to my college. I had to take some signatures for my bus pass. It was raining and my friend and I were complete drenched. We enjoyed a lot. Later in the evening we found many ppl at the bus depot so we submitted the pass today. We met early in the morning at 8am. From there we went to meet another who was sleeping. We sepnt more than an hour with him. I didn't do anything much today. Tomorrow I will be going for a movie with mu couzns. I wil surely enjoy that.

Good Mornings now a days!

I couldn't write an update yesterday. It was already 1:15 am when I finished with my post on Flowing Emotions and I went to bed. I remember staying awake till 2:45 am just lying. I woke up at 4:50 am. I took small naps after that till 8 am but I know I will spend the rest of the day today sleep deprived. Today I had my breakfast early too. It is maybe after several weeks I have had it so early.

I finally completed the editing of the post that was lying. I changed more than half of it. I removed 2 of the 3 examples I had written ad even converted the third one into a complete different form. I kept it more straight.

I have not spent much time on the internet in the last 10 days. I was not at home for a few days and at the other times I was busy reading or sleeping.

Yesterday morning just after the sky was filled with light (not sun rays) I went to my terrace. I wanted to some snaps of the sunrise and the horizon at that time. It was overcast and all I could get were some shots of clouds and a few birds. I don't think I can ever gt a clear horizon to see from my house with so much concrete around. The weather was pleasant and I spend a lot of time under the cloudy sky.

I was carrying an emotional baggage with me - some pieces of paper. I thought it was silly to have them with me. I was not getting enough heart to dispose it off. I burned them yesterday. The burnt pieces were still there but I kept away from them. The rain might have swept it away by now.

For the last 2 days I have been taking care of my father's and brother's breakfasts and lunches. Yesterday I had to prepare sandwiches. Today it was a little easier. My mom left at 6:50 am today. Tomorrow will be her last day at Mahboobnagar.

For the past 3 days I have been trying to go to my college. But my friend is too busy and he is not able to give me the company I require. Today he is ready and I hope I make it now.

This update is unedited - mistakes obvious

It was Sunday morning when I came to know that my grandfather's elder brother was coming to Hyderabad. He lives in Warangal. He was in Hyderabad after a year. The last time he was here when my grandfather was hospitlised. This Sunday he dropped in for a little more than 2 hours. I met him.

Later in the vening that day I came to know about my aunt's arrival from Mecca the next morning. Later that night I stayed at my aunt's house who lives in old city. Early morning I went to pick my aunt. The day was spent at my grandparents' house where my aunts lives in India.

I did a lot of thing on Sunday and Monday. I had a very hectic kind of schedule - all things with my will and interest - and I enjoyed it. I slept for hardly 3 hours on Sunday night. I woke up at 4:30 am.

Yesterday I went to meet my friend. I was with him the complete afternoon.

Yesterday night I slept early - at 11:33 pm. I woke up at 5 am. I slept again at 8:30 am after everybody at home had left.

My mom has to do some inspection work in Mahboobnagar. She left early morning. She wanted to stay there but didnt find a good suitable place. She will make trips to that place daily. She has a tiresome job to dof or the next 3 days till Saturday. She is commuting by train.

I really had many things in mind all these days. I wanted to write on one of the topics I had listed on my blog. I am just not able to get enough. I am reading and not using my computer much. I did a lot of cleaning work today. The shelves near my computer are clean now.

I have 18 more holidays to go. I had decided to write on 25 people. I did start but didn't spend much time on it. I will do it now. I will veen finish that list and also an unedited post still lying. I have that 'unfinished letter' too to be completed. I have a few books to read too. I know I can do all this if I want but I do not know if I'd want to do it or not. I wish I had someone to give a boost to me. I am living a lonely life now a days and being interfered when I am needed. I liek being this way. I was never enforced with any responsibilites and my parents, right from my childhood, have been telling me that I have only one responsibility and that is me. Good but empty for me!

I am still happy. I am doing great. I wish I had autarchy too.

I am leaving this update incomplete. I have seen and thought about many things in the last few days, of course as usual, but I don't feeling like sharing them. I had some hard times with myself too with some old endeavors disturbing me. But I am doing great. I like theses kind of disturbances. They teach me a lot. I was aware of everything that was happening to me and I didn't allow any mood swings to occur :)

Yup!

I was not at home for 2 days. I am very tired today and I will write tomorrow. I have a lot of things to do.

A hard copy finally

I finally took the printouts of some of my blog postings - 'Humilis and Purpa', 'My Perceptions of My Own Life' and 'Reality is Larger Than Life'. I even went for an essay by Ayn Rand on objectivist ethics and one of her interviews. Later in the evening I got my dad to read 'My Perceptions of My Life'. He red it with good interest and also pointed out some corrections in grammar and also adviced a few things. He didn't comment on the ideologies I have oresented there. I was happy he didn't comment. He asked for a final copy with the corrections made along with my mail ID on it.

Today I even got some books for reading. Two of them are novels by Sidney Sheldon and the third is a non-fiction self-help. I first have to finish 'Becoming a Person of Influence'. I shall pack up with that in next couple of days.

My aunt who had gone to Mecca is coming back much against my wish. She says she has no one to talk to during the daytime. She says she is getting bored being home all day. She doesn't seem to like the life in Saudi Arabia. She is the first person I have seen who has this kind of complaint. She says she will now prepare herself so that she can live there forever starting from next year. Hope she sticks to this.

In the vening I got completely drenched in the rain. I had the option of taking some shelter in the shops nearby but I preferred walking back home. I wanted to enjoy the rain too. Further I didn't even know if it was even going to stop - my prayers are always fulfilled - all praise is for God.

Then there was no power at home. I had my dinner in candle light, discussing about novel writing about my dad. He was also telling about a huse his friend is getting constructed in the outskirts of the city - he says it will come out as a masterpiece. In a day or two he will take me to the site. I am eager to talk to the architect who too is my dad's friend.

I was searching for 'Atlas Shrugged'. But my aunt who had it said she had given it to someone who has not returned it yet and she has forgotten who that somebody was. I have enough things to read now - all taken from her. I will try to finish all the reading before my colleges start.

The start of my colleges also coincides with the start of several functions in my family and relatives. My cousin sister is getting married in July and many of my relatives come to India during this part of the year. This time a few more relatives who have not visited India since a long time are expected to come. I do not know but I am not so eager for these reunions. I hope I get along fine with all this.

Flowing ...

This time I wrote what I wanted to write in 2 days of deciding it. But still the list is there. I will work on that soon. It took me a little more than 2 hours to write this particular post and it contained excess of 2600 words. I started writing it and it was only after completing it that I realised its size. I was satisfied after reading it. It was really what the name of my blog says - Flowing Emotions.

Today when I woke up at 12 I found no one at home. The main door was open and I was shocked to find that my brother who had not gone to his college today was not home. When he came back from his school ( thats what he said), where he had gone to take his certificates, I scolded him. He said he informed when I was sleeping and replied too!

I didn't think much today. It was just reading and writing. Then in the evening I watched the television too for sometime. To be frank, I do not know what to write for today.