My Chocolate

It's all a game to you isn't it? You roam from town to town, bedding merchants' wives and temple maids and you think you know something about love? What about your father's love? You spat on him when you brought her onto this ship! What about the love for your country!? You'd let Troy burn for this woman!? I won't let you start a war for her.
- Hector, Troy

The evening of Sunday was all spent with friends. A blurred plan to study was made almost a week back when a friend called me. I confirmed it and asked other friends too if they could come over. We studied for a while executing some programs and left for a ride when it was all dark outside. We went past many places before having biryaani and fruit juice and returned home to finish only one more program. I could see a change in one of my friends who was beating me with silly ignorable reasons all the while. I too tried keeping it silly by letting my actions remain devoid of annoyance.

I somehow felt that I knew why he was behaving that way imagining a simulation of how I would be if I were in his place - if I were him completely, growing up the way he grew, having the kind of people he has around him, and keeping a psychology he keeps. I hoped that I was being prejudiced and I was myself - I am so happy about this always, I don't have to keep any masks and neither do I have to call anybody as a liar. Just sometime back I pondering on how a habituated liar would always think of others as liars!

Yesterday evening I was trying to run some programs when my father said that my brother, mother and he were going out for a walk. I asked him if I could join them. He was fine with it but also pointed that I had to study. I didn't like him telling that but I knew he was right and I asked him to go without me. Sometime later after I finished some time with the programs I called up my father and the first thing he asked me was to come over to Softy Den for having ice creams. He had just reached that place walking and I joined them within minutes. I had chaat and chocolate ice creams till my stomach could let in no more. We had a walk back home taking a longer route. I had my dinner after 1 am.

And that was for the first time in the four years of my undergraduate studies that I practiced programs at home. With a friend's help some days back, I had installed the .NET environment of Visual Studio 2005. Sunday the same friend had taught me a few programs. Yesterday I ran them myself and tried to perfect them. For the first time I was all happy to the reach the college with seven out of ten programs finding me comfortable. The test today went like an almost cakewalk with viva being the fastest section.

Once again when I was with all my friends, I had this particular friend irritating me. He was throwing water on me with no reason I could judge - not even prejudice caught me and gave any help - and I was just taking him as a friend who was probably trying to have some fun. Later in the evening when he came to my home with others, he continued his weirdness. And it was when he said that he seriously wanted to talk to me that I understood what he had in his mind. In fact it was the same thing I thought I had speculated on Sunday. He was aggressive and said that he wanted to talk to my mother.

He said that I will have to prove my seriousness before he does. I simply couldn't help myself from thinking how he was still not 21 years in age - I found no reason to stop laughing the way he was talking but I was clear with what was happening. Then he said that he wanted to ask my father if I had really spoken to him about something serious a few days back. I immediately started dialing my father's number but stopped it. If I had called my father, if I had let my friend talk to my father, I wouldn't have been writing all this here. Instead it could have been a story of how I made a friend and how I lost him.

I could easily recollect a day almost a year-and-a-half ago when he came to my house in the evening, all red, angry, heated up and ready to fight me. I am sure that day his heart-beat was a lot above normal and there was an uncontrollable burst of anger within him for me. He had come to ask me something direct and scold me, or perhaps even beat me up, but after some initial conversations he had calmed down. That day he had come to a friend's house to fight him for being a good friend of another person.

Today he wanted to beat me, and he did it several times, he was angry with me, frustrated, he had no belief in what I was saying and he wanted proofs for what I had done and what I feel. Later when I thought about his behavior I wondered what on earth made him think that I would be lying about my talk with my father. I couldn't believe he wanted to talk to my mother and ask her to take care of her son. I have nothing much to talk to others about why he was like that, I am feeling pathetic that he - this very friend - was saying all this. I know tomorrow will be a new day for him and he will be fresh again. For me the next day starts in 20 minutes from now when the clock shows 12 and it hardly makes any difference to me.

I have always believed that when I have to fight a person, I need to fight what he has done and not what he is. It is easy to dig out all about people, bring their lives in front of them and even make them belief what they never were, it is easy to show others what people are just by using truth in its most humble form. I can do that with myself. All I need to do is paste some already written text here and my self-defamation would be done. But that won't help anybody. It would help me instead for I know how self-vilification works the opposite. But it is always bad to criticise a person for what he is; it is better that we go for what that person does.

But what if that person is a friend? What if I know that that person has been trying to fool me all these days? What if I know that he is somehow the only one of all my friends who cannot be trusted? I am not writing all this to tackle him. I love him, he is my friend. I am just in awe of these kinds of complex human behaviors - not just of my friend but of myself too. It's interesting how we respond to changes around us, to the people around us and most importantly, the change within us. I just need to learn to carry all this with me without letting it effect my objective.

I find myself so happy always that I am clear with my objectives and I do things that are compatible and in coherence with them. There is nothing I am into right now that would effect the course I plan to take to pursue and to get to my objective and forward it. There are my ideas and my logics and I appreciate all those who have their own. I respect all those who know what they want; and even those who don't know because that is simple human behaviour. I believe that not everything can be learnt from experiencing - we can't experience everything, or by the time we get to learn from them, it is already too late. I am my best teacher and my teaching tools are the people around me and the books written by wonderful men and women and the great book given to us by Allah. I really don't have to worry about what others ask me to prove.