The Minarets Of Credence

At night, I see their faces. All the men I've killed. They're standing there on the far bank of the river Styx. They're waiting for me. They say, "Welcome, brother."
- Achilles, Troy

Two days back I was thinking of writing about the vehicular traffic in Hyderabad. But today's experience makes it necessary for me to pour out! But I won't do it except for writing this first paragraph. The movement of traffic in this part of the world looks like a cavalcade of warriors moving is every available direction with an aim - the only purpose of being the first to get out of the procession. Everybody tries, some win, the rest loose. Those among the losers are the ones who obey traffic rules, respect the signals and keep their lanes. The winners being the majority, the losers are at the receiving end for only one mistake of theirs - trying to adhere to the rules. Minorities are always at the receiving ends.

It's the most sensitive of the time of the day for me when I go to bed for sleep and try to analyze the spent day or sometimes even ponder upon the life I have lived so far. It's not the fear of sleeping that keeps me awake till early mornings, but it's this sensitive time I have to spend thinking with no prejudice and no insolence. But in a way it always turns out to be harsh on my sleep. I have been having pleasant nights all these days but yesterday it was different. It was that fickle in time in the sequential thoughts of my mind that I imagined about the last moments I would be spending with my friends as a group. It felt painful but I said to myself that this is how I will grow up more matured and emotionally strong. But the next question was even more threatening - "Do I really need such maturity when I don't have my beloved ones close to me? Is that emotional intelligence worth the pain? What's the point in being strong when I am lonely?"

I have spent hours trying to decide the names of the universities I must apply for MS. It hardly gave me success. There are so many where I can apply and even get an admission into, but I don't want to fall into some college which is lesser than my profile. I am finding it difficult to find the right colleges in the city of my choice, with a fee I can afford, and a ranking appropriate to me profile. I am decided on only one university till now. I need to finalize five more. Anybody who knows more on this, knows me, and also my scores, please help me. The only favor I can do in return is pray and say 'JazakAllah Khairan'.

I am in a bit low in spirits right now. There is apparently no reason for me to be like that but there are some worries relating to the coming days. Like all engineering students I have seen the transition from schooling to college but I have never experienced how it feels to go through the transition of 'with them' to 'without them'. I know it's a matter of time and I will get used to everything. Even they will get used to it. We all will move on. Somehow it sounded unfair to me that I move away from these people. We spent so many wonderful times and then suddenly one day it will all be over. That reminds me of a quote "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happens". That hurts more.

I never miss my school days. I don't want to meet any of my friends I had then. I am over them completely. I hardly have attachments to those from pre-university days. I don't like attending any reunion parties, I don't like going back to school to meet anybody; I don't even want to talk to any of those people. I just have some memories of those times, and I have the memories of the times I had with my parents, grandparents and cousins. And then it's all about my present friends. I cannot conceive of not having them around me. I wish the learning could be worth the separation. I wish I could mention some people here.