Surreal But True

Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.
- Khalil Gibran

I know there is always something that touches people, makes the right connection, and gets things working. There is something that goes deep inside the heart, tells them what they like to hear, and overwhelms them with bliss. The more I can get to say such words, the better relationships I can have with everybody around me. On contrary to what I wrote yesterday, after talking and thinking, I somehow came to an understanding that there are two friends I think and talk to. I can narrow on these two names not considering several of my friends who are just friends.

I get a lot of time these days to thinking about my friends – each of them in detail - and some in lesser detail because I have already given a lot of thoughts to them. It was today when I was talking to a friend that I realized more on how I can never be same with all those around me. We spoke in great depths. I felt bad about a few things. I felt great about others he said about. I somehow wish I could write everything here but that won’t be a part of my premise. I still wish there could be a source from where I could derive all the wisdom and make more sense out of what all I think.

I know my parents would be with me and for me always, but it’s the friends I am worried about. I sometimes wonder if I could do something for them, something unusual, something immaterial, and something to make them very happy, and let them remember that happiness forever. I know it won’t be possible for them to remember me always, but happiness stays in the heart. I just want to leave a mark before I leave them. We might then never be meeting even after the eternity ends.

I simply can’t believe that these people are not going to be with me a few months from now. It looks like so impossible and unbelievable. It looks like those nightmares our parents told us would never come true. But they are just here around the corner. I love them. I cannot see living through the farewell times. I wish I could tell them I love them. I wish I could prove it; prove it to each of them; then leave. Just the satisfaction I would get after letting them know about my love for them would be an answer to my love. I would need nothing else in return.

But our being of the individuals we are doesn’t help me even a bit. It makes shields and creates limits. I sometimes think if I could be so neutral that I can say what all I have to and keep the goodwill alive. I still cannot believe that there could be some people called as friends who can have sincere concerns for me. Whenever somebody is nice to me, I just feel like crying. Even if it is my parents. Sometimes I get an immeasurable desire to thank all of them. Sometimes I just want to say a sorry to them. I can’t do it because I cannot put the reasons in words.

There is a friend from college who makes me thinks so much. Though we got close enough I always wished we were closer. But that inherently is not possible. If selfishness can indeed be taken as a virtue, I am selfish and for that reason I cannot get much closer. I use this phrase a lot “I wish I had the right words to”. I use it again. I wish I had the right words to let my friend know about the irrefutable respect and regards I have for that friend. I hope I at least give a higher level of happiness to that friend at least once before we take our ways. Perhaps that friend is the only one I can spend any amount of time without speaking a single word. But that is unnecessary.

I had mango ice cream a few hours back and I can feel a mangled throat already. There is a slight pain which I am sure would grow if I don’t take some medication immediately. The picture I have put up here was designed by a classmate of mine for the upcoming technical fest we are planning to organize in our college. We have a long way to go before we can see it come alive. The distance between happiness and reality seems so less that I am worried if I would get used to being happy. Only if I could put the right size of praise for Allah in words; I wish I could hold His hands and let Him take away my life in return of what all He has given me.