A Best Friend!

Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.
- David Borenstein

Yesterday when I thought to myself that it was time to get matured and behave matured, I just knew that there were umpteen number of times I had said that to myself. There are sets of things I tell myself almost daily and only a part of them gets materialised. Then of course there are things I love thinking and imagining! I cannot mention even one of them but I can bet on the fact that everybody enjoys them. No doubt our brain is our best entertainer. This way I never get bored too.

At times I don't get to understand if the conflicts I get within after talking to my friends are justified and rational or just useless. Yesterday, for example, I had two of my friends at my house till 3:30 am and we spoke about some very interesting and important topics. No doubt any person knowing me and those two friends would guess what we must have spoken about. I was perhaps the one doing most of the talking - it has in a way become my expertise. After they left, I had this luxury to tell myself that I must grow. But growing up in the terms I told myself meant that I stopped talking! It goes round and round in circles.

There was a time when I used to think of what my friends would think on anything I would tell. Now sometimes I do and sometimes I don't because that very word, friend, is supposed to give me the freedom of being myself. I am sure by now my friends must have seen the avoidable things in me. I have seen some in them too. And I have loved them more for these rather than the good they possess! And while I write all this, the questions "what am I writing?" and "why am I writing it?" are asking for answers.

Being random and carefree is easy. Nothing I do or write would then ever make any sense and I will not have to answer anybody. But when I start constructing myself and my behavior on a premise, the restlessness starts. The internal conflict, the validity and the necessity of things I speak, the beliefs I share, the things I tell my friends when I am teasing them or perhaps sometimes flirting with them, the limits and boundaries my friends have set before themselves and the ones I have created around me, the desire to be close to them but the differences in ideals that come up, the differences in the very being that comes up, the need to tell them how sacred they are yet the fear of being called dumb and silly or perhaps over-emotional - all this can be left as passing thoughts but when I try to give them time, I end up worrying if all I am being an overly excited dumb who gets too emotional.

But there is of course some happiness of knowing that there are more odds of me being called dumb than being called as a good friend. And when I mention 'friend', it also defines my relations with my brother, cousins and even parents. No doubt it starts with those friends who don't share common DNA patters with mine because they are the ones I talk the most to. I sometimes wonder what they think when they hear me telling them all the weightless things. If I were them, I would laugh at me, ridicule me, and call me a sticky substance that refuses to become smooth. Things circling; I did mention the word 'conflict'. Didn't I?

Criticising myself gives some happiness to me. There, of course, is always a thought that it could bring some sympathy from some corners and create some in some other corners! There is pleasure in calling ones own-self a fool - just because when a person calls himself a fool, nobody does that to him! But I don't know what I can do with sympathy. So, I don't ask for it. I don't even have to do things to impress or please my friends. I feel like shouting it aloud - "I need not do even a bit to impress or please my friends". They are already my friends.

Now, that should be enough of self-talk I can publish here. I woke up after 2 pm today. There was a short 'staying-awake' session around 11 am after which I was again under the blanket. Because I was 'chit-chatting' with my friends till early morning, I went to sleep after 4 am. Yesterday I met a senior with some friends and we were there to discuss a technical festival we are planning at our college in the department. Then later yesterday I spent some good time with two cousins. We were first flying kites, then went to some places on one bike, then took a car and went to meet more cousins! It was all fantastic till I felt tired late in the night. But my enthusiasm to have friends around kept me burning whatever fat I have inside me. Not to mention my weight right now. Though I do not know what exactly it is, I can be sure that it is the lowest I have felt in some years. Obviously I was lighter when I was a kid. That should be it for today!