Tell me I am...

There are always things that prompt me to write. Many times it so happens that something hits me so well, it immediately makes me design and phrase how I would be writing it on my blog. But, I somehow think it must happen this way, I lose the desire to really put all that in words or even share it with anybody by the time I finally get hold of the black keyboard. I ran through so many currents today, I thought and tried to understand so much today, I am still not confident of putting it all here. I will try. I don't want to have a reason for that.

After attending the Distributed Systems lab today, I ran to see if I could get some books from the library. It was heart-breaking in a way to find nothing for me there, but I took it well telling myself that its easier to buy them than to spend time here waiting for the books. I know that would make me spend money taken from my parents. I wish I could help. The last time books were being issued, I couldn't come to the college. I had to collect my passport from the post-office and also accompany my mother for some shopping.

Having spent some time with some friends, I went to meet my injured friend along with another friend who had been wanting to meet him. On our way back home, we got caught in a very fiery rainfall. It was not the rainfall that brought chaos on the roads, but the stagnated water. We waited for more than 20 minutes for the rain to slow down. We were happy it was raining. But our bike was already one-third down in the clogged water.

Somehow my friend managed to get the bike out and bring it to a safer side of the street. The tyre, we found then, was punctured. We walked with the bike for about a kilometer before we could get it repaired. The rain which was a drizzle had turned into a heavy shower which could drench us by the time we reached our homes. It was almost Magrib when I entered the house and my brother opened the door.

I spent most of my time after reaching home in frustration and despair. I can't hold my patience for long. I found myself loosing my temper frequently, even when I was made to talk something I would have been interested at any other time. I don't want to discuss things with my parents yet. I wonder if they had forgotten it. I am worried. Allah will decide for how long I am going to wait.

Yesterday I had signed a withdrawal form to take money from my bank account. I had given the form and the passbook to my mother as the account is in the bank she works for. Today she did bring the money but also told me that the specimen signature which I had given to the bank authorities twice is now lost as the manager who was in-charge till now has been transfered. On top of this, the new form my mother asked me to fill had a slip attached to it stating my name and my mother's name on it - the spellings of both the names were incorrect. 'Z' was replaced by 'J'. There were more errors. I agree that Telugu speaking people find it difficult to read 'Z' but I didn't knew they find it difficult to read and write words seeing from a printed passbook.

I was already in a volatile state of mind with things really bothering me from within. An error in my and my mother's name and also the irresponsible behavior of the bank in losing my signature got me angry. I thought discussing the fallacy with my father would calm me down but my father was somewhat in support of the bank. Even my mother was. I had some arguments but the moment I realized that anger was getting out-of-bounds, I closed my mouth shut. I allowed my parents to say what they had to and I stayed calm. even till now I am still hoping that I understand how the bank is not wrong when it can lose my signature. I can't seem to get the point in my head. I can well cry in search for this wisdom. I am crying for bigger things already. Allah knows it all best.

I have fixed deposits in my name in the bank. I have had this account for more than nine years now and I have also used to as a proof of address to get my passport. Maybe I am still a small customer of the bank, I am not convinced that they can do what they want. The argument with my father is that my father said the bank makes the rules so they can do anything. He said government offices work this way. I am still in search of wisdom.

I am asked where I stand today, my answer would be "between tears, pride and intellect". Whatever brain I have draws a line between emotions and rationality, and tells me that I need to strike a balance in such a fashion that both look equally important and satisfactorily appealing. Pride says I must look ahead and kill every piece of emotion in me. Tears say that I must cry until the fear and pain is no more.

I am happy. At least today. Now. If tomorrow comes with tears in it, I will seeks the help of the intellect part of where I am standing. If that doesn't work, I will try for some pride. But I know, in any case, I will stay with the third contender. It gives what laughter can't provide - satisfaction. I am very happy that Allah has brought me till here. That itself is a miracle. I won't question him. I don't have a right to do that.

Unlike yesterday I couldn't go to sleep early today. I wanted to but the frequent power failure kept me away from completing all I wanted to do. It went off twice while I was writing this blog. Even the browser keeps on getting stuck every few seconds. It looks as though they are testing my patience. I am glad I am fine. Small things won't perturb me. I can't put into words Allah's greatness. I am not checking today's post for errors. I don't do it always.