Saturday, August 11, 2007

So bad it hurts inside

I can't understand why I am living my days this way. The only thing I did today was getting the CAT application from the bank. I slept again in the afternoon. I haven't had a single proper meal since morning. I am hungry but I don't feel like eating. I am getting frustrated with everything that is being said and asked to me. I know my father is hiding things from me. Last Saturday I explained him how it will cause me more pain if he did that, but he continues. It's not just my father, but some other people too are hiding facts and truth from me. I am more interested in the truth.

I don't feel like talking to any of my friends. In the last two days the phone calls I have received were the ones with new numbers; I rejected the rest of them. I don't feel like talking much. I can keep control on my facial expressions but it's a bit tough to do that with the tone of my voice. I am fine with chatting online but I am preferring being invisible. Yesterday a cousin started a chat even while I was invisible. I took some time to think what would happen if I spoke to him. The chat lasted till 1:40 am.

When I am saying that I am ready and willing to take all the responsibility of everything that happens relating to me, many people are taking it for granted that everything can be thrown at me. Some days back my mother asked me if I had written letters to somebody. It seems there was a complain that I did. My first response was "Letters?". I said I didn't write any. Then I recollected that a day before my father had asked me if there were some mails exchanged. I replied in negative, but I didn't think much about it.

The first letter given in person was in January 2006. Then a year later, a friend forwarded an article. Then a couple of months after that, there was a message sent through 'Orkut'. If anybody had found this as bad, I could have been told. The way my mother asked me looked as if she was angry that I wrote "letters". It made me cry that this became a matter of grave concern. I didn't know I was a cause trouble with the three so called letters. I wonder if they were really letters. I don't know who all has read them till now. I feel so embarrassed and insulted.

I wish I could really write a letter and send it. I wrote so many of course. But never sent them. They were just deleted even before being read for the second time. How many people can I explain this to? I am afraid if this continues, even the people who are supporting me now will begin to show indifference. But it all boils down to only one person who, unfortunately, won't speak up. I support this person. I understand how important it is for her to never get into all this. I will keep myself at the receiving end, but I plead that it is not overdone.

All these years I have tried to make myself a better person. I removed so many words from my vocabulary, I kept away from even repeating so many words. Everyday before sleeping I recollect my whole day asking myself for the erroneous things I have done. For many acts done by me I have spent hours thinking if they could be wrong and how the consequences would be. I have discussed so many things with my elders, made so much effort to correct my behavior, learn good manners, etiquettes, and take in every possible good character. I understand that even then I am very much like an average human being with fallacies in me. But after having done so much to myself, after having deprived myself of so many luxuries I could have enjoyed, keeping myself reserved, when somebody questions my character, I simply cannot let that thing go down my throat.

There are various definitions of character we all know. I wonder if even one is understood comprehensively. Just because I started liking a girl in the first year of my engineering, decided that she should be the one I live with all my life with, told my parents about as much as I could when the situation demanded, insisted them to go and talk to the girl's elders, prayed and cried for hours that the proposal is accepted, hoped that things would be in my favor, I don't think makes my character questionable. Please, please somebody teach me if I am wrong with my belief. And also tell me why I can't be relied upon. Please talk.

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