Here is a challenge

Just some time back I spoke to a cousin on phone. I had been wanting to talk to him since long and today finally he called me up. He is doing his DNB in a corporate hospital here in Hyderabad; he is the best in class in the whole state of AP - he had secured the first rank in the entrance some months back. I have always looked up at him as my inspiration and also a person in whom I can put my trust blindly. He is in no way a book worm or a nerd; he is intelligent, a genius and pure wisdom. His support is what I needed.

I just updated him about me and he showed how I shouldn’t care for what others say behind me or even think. Though he told me things I already knew, his words do made a difference to me. Terming some people as dumb and foolish he made me realize that I don’t become bad just because somebody has said so. I listened to every word he said. I am waiting for next Sunday to come when InshAllah we would be meeting.

I had mixed emotions today since the time I woke up. I have been seeing my weekends go grey now days. It has the backing of all my previous experiences and I see this as a consequence of every word said and heard these 20 years. I don’t live an average life. I don’t know how others live theirs, but on my side it’s totally a fiction. Everything looks so perfect, even when it is foolishness, lies, betrayal or even dumbness. I learn so much even while hating some of these teachers.

There are only a few selected people I am willing to talk to. I am avoiding much talk with my parents. I want to keep away from my relatives but today my cousin told me that it would make them feel as if I am showing some kind of pride and avoiding them because I feel myself superior to them. He asked me to be proud of what I am and what I can do but be friendly with others. All this can’t be made lucid as long as I don’t put the context here. It would be a sin to give a form in words.

I also understand that if someday I explain something to a person and if that person understands something else or takes my words in some other way than what I was trying to tell, I would be the first one to be held responsible because it was me who couldn’t explain it well. I cannot blame that person for not understanding me. I can’t tell him that he understood only what he preferred understanding. It’s my fault if I am not clear with what I am saying. It’s my fault if I am not direct. Alhamdulillah I have always kept myself clear.

I have always tried to write things clearly in my blogs. Though I never used any names, I was more or less direct. Even when there were faint ideas, they had some backing of some previous knowledge any person knowing me is expected to be aware of. I don’t know how many people know me in my college but in now way can anybody tell me that I appear like a person of bad character. No rational person can ever point a finger to something I did or am doing telling that it is bad for the society or is against some ethics.

My cousin told me that people only know how to talk about others and they don’t understand what it means to talk the truth. He told me I never did anything that was unIslamic and that even if somebody questions me, I must ignore that person. Here again it is the context that makes the difference.

I am keeping my mouth shut only because I don’t want to comment on others. If I start that, I know how reason and Islam can prove them wrong and how much it can hurt their character. I still support them. There is an idea that I term as exception making and it is still alive. If I kill that, it would be time for chaos. My words might look big and absurd. I know how I can be called ridiculous. I know how I can be called immature. I have done that already with myself and I am prepared to fight.

I hardly have 10 more months in Hyderabad. Whether it is an MBA or Infosys, I will be out of this place. I am looking ahead for that. I won’t care of how much damage I do before leaving. All I will care is that I follow my religion well and don’t end up causing pain to people who matter to me. I am starting to draw lines and prepare a list of who is going to matter to me and who must be taken for granted. I am not afraid of this list. It just hurts me to do it. But it’s an emotional baggage and I must get rid of it. I pray that Allah gives me more wisdom and makes me do the right things.

So having said all this I openly challenge any person interested in showing hell to me to prove that I am not a good person and that I have a bad character. I openly warn everybody against any illicit or unpleasant action towards me. I don’t say that I can do big things. I warn reminding that Allah is looking and I still don’t find any of my prayers not being accepted. I have always tried to measure my words and actions with what I find as lawful and wise. I don’t like people who talk and shout with no knowledge of themselves.

I like the way sometimes I can show my anger and frustration on my blogs. I love the way it feels to exhilarate power that comes out of pride and anger. I love myself more than anybody else. I will never cause any harm to anybody. I only have faith in Allah.