I won't breath until...

I didn't write anything about my cousin's marriage. My two cousin sisters who got married some months back were written a lot in the blogs - not only this one but also the family blog. Somehow, I still won't be writing anything this time. There is too much to be written and I am sure I will end up being biased. I can't answer the question of how I can be biased. Those who know, know it. I am waiting.

There is some person I badly need to talk to. But I can't. That person won't heed to me and I have also given my word that I won't try to talk as long as we are into our engineering. There are things I have to discuss with my parents. I can do that anytime. But the only thing that troubles me is that I don't want them to come to know so much through others. They have always trusted me and I already told my father once that I am hiding something form him. He has a fair idea of what it is and he has no problem with it. He knows that I will let him know everything when I feel that the time is right.

According to what I had wanted, the time is not right. But time had done different things here. I don't control it. Allah has charge of everything. I find unbelievable things happening with me and around me. I am open now. I don't even know from where it started - who said it first, to whom, who all know it, who thinks what. I am sure nobody knows the right things in the right way. But to my astonishment, they all are positive. They talk about it among themselves but they never tell me whats going on. I wanted to have things said by me. The right things - that it is only me responsible for everything. That I am the one who should be questioned if at all something is found wrong. I don't know what lies inside. I don't know what lies ahead.

I meet my elders. They know about me. They smile at me. I sit with them. They stare at me. They look happy with me. But they never talk about it. I try to behave normal. I try hard. I know it shows. I love them. They are important to me. I never meant to hide things but I found that somethings are to be said only when there is substance in it. How can I share it when I myself don't know what resides on the other side of my story? I can't tell them I have been spending all this time thinking myself as a looser and then suddenly things have become so critical. I had become used to loosing.

Since the time I got selected by Infosys, life has changed. I am looked at as a very good student, as a person who is very confident of his future and who is going to do something big. I have my dreams. I will achieve them no matter what happens. InshAllah of course. I am confident about my future. No doubt. Alhamdulillah. But they don't know that there is something I want and it keeps on hurting me. I will never be able to explain my seriousness to so many people. I do understand that I don't have to explain it. But I am 'me' and I have always been doing it. There are people out there ready to forget some rules just because it is 'me'. It is getting complicated day by day. I am being spoken and I don't know what exactly is being talked.

I took the liberty to write all the above lines. It was necessary. For me. To relieve myself. Some people will read it. Maybe my cousins, some friends. I know I don't have to justify. My cousin brother who got married said the same thing - don't justify. He is sweet. He has always been so. I don't want anything to go wrong. I will take the 'wrong' on me if necessary. I am not fooling around here. Things matter to me. Its so easy to smile.

I respect everybody and I thank them for the positiveness they are showing towards me. But I want them to know that I have no idea what lies on the other side. I don't know if I should explain them what all I did in the last two years and that it was all done only by me. Just me. If somebody is impure, its only me. Nobody else. I don't know if I can explain anybody that there is some person to whom I want to tell a billion sorries but that person won't listen to me. Is that a punishment? I will take it. But please let me know that it is a punishment. Everyday I live, I understand that Allah is greater than what I had thought Him to be the previous day.