Between pride, tears and intellect

Blessed are they who have nothing to say and cannot be persuaded to say it.

Sometime back I felt like punching the computer screen. The fact that I may loose the chance of updating the blog stopped me. There were other reasons too that stopped me. I don't know. I will never be tired telling everybody that I am doing fine. It's Allah's wish. I am still trying to believe in it. It looks like fun and excitement to everybody else. Its nice that way.

I had a lovely talk with my aunt today. After coming from CL today I slept for almost 3 hours. I had my lunch after that and left for Salarjung colony to my uncle's place. We went outside from there and returned home around 7:30 pm. After that till 9:30 pm I was with my aunt talking all that we could. The thing that used to conquer all my talks ceased to exist here. As always, I repeat that among all the people I know, I am one Allah has blessed the most. Alhamdulillah.

The last 30 minutes I have spent thinking. That's of course what I happen to do most of the time, like everybody else. I find myself being consumed by the heat generated by the roughening up of my ego, pride, emotions, love, immaturity and happiness. They all vie for precedence and they burn me to hell. All I do is sit and try to understand what exactly it is supposed to mean. I am afraid it will be too late. I wonder if it is again just a perception. That's what I have been mixing life with all these days.

I wanted to chat with some friend after coming home. I found two of them but couldn't really go for the kill - pull out things from me. But somehow I feel better now - especially after writing the above paragraph. Even I am not aware of any meaning in it. But it means peace to me. It created it. But I am afraid it is a terse packet of what is going on. When I stand today and try to see the days ahead on the calender in my mind, I see many circled boxes.

I always see this calender. Then sometimes it so happens that the days I had looked at long back were already gone. The days I was waiting for or was expecting to see become the ones I see today. It feels nice that they are going. They also hurt solemnly. Its the ice cream that can taste amazing but causes cold. Not all ice creams hurt. Only a few. I am not ice cream.

Tomorrow I have a class at CL again. It will be on quantitative aptitude again. There was a small test today. I felt as if I was pulled out a bathroom and made to stand in front of an army that has been commanded by its army general to shoot at me at sight. I managed to escape by cheating them. It was bad. Though I could clear the cut-off.

I have always been told that I have to stand for everything by myself and nobody would be there for me. I have been told many other things too. Seldom did I choose to believe in them. I can't explain how much I want this blog to be public. But I also understand I must not do that. There are some people with underlying motives who have given me sleepless nights - almost. I wish I could walk on that rosy path and never had to turn away. I also can't explain how it feels now. Perhaps I don't know how foolish I sound this way. It's an irony. I am a paradox. But I am not a statement. Sometimes I happen to make some.