Reflection and contradiction

If we believe a thing to be bad, and if we have a right to prevent it, it is our duty to try to prevent it and damn the consequences.

— Alfred Milner

A friend's call woke me up at 10:20 am. He made me do a few things before I could sleep again. But I was continuously being disturbed by messages on my phone. I finally had my breakfast at 1:20 pm. Before that I had a couple of bananas. I was, without any doubt, feeling hungry but laziness and lack of reason kept me on the bed till so late.

I have always known that I have tried to keep a distinguishable wall around me that only I can see. The wall reflected my priorities and I knew it could at times cause discomfort to me as a direct consequence. Now I understand it can do more than just that. It becomes difficult for me to choose between friend, cousins and myself.

I sometimes decide to be alone at home or be with parents and somebody calls me up asking if he could come over to my house. At times I plan to go out to some relatives house and the same thing happens. There are occasions too when I want to be with my friends but my parents compel me to opt for something else. In between all this, I feel neglecting my cousins.

I don't know if others too face these situations. I sure do have some - very few friends - I am always ready to meet and be with. In fact so many times I long to be with them. They are not available always. These are my friends with whom I have shared almost everything that runs within me and I find no difficulty in having them as my top priority among people. I don't know if I know them well but I have always tried to keep myself transparent for them.

The problem comes when other friends vie for the priority. Not that they are aware of it but the situation makes me have some preferences used and I don't like using them. Sometimes I simply don't fell like meeting a few of them. I never complain but my mood does. The friends I have mentioned above - the ones I try to be transparent with - suit all my moods. I guess saying 'suit all my moods' would be similar to degrading human dignity; I don't mean to do that. I just like them always and I prefer their company at any given time. The other friends do not comply with such idea.

I know being this way can have me loose some of the good friends I have. I fear being called a hypocrite. I dream being left alone. I do not like being a bad person even if nobody would ever come to know about the distasteful me. I don't remember losing my temper outside my house or in front of people other than my brother and parents. I will continue with that but having to reach a point that requires a control in itself is a pity. I am not suppose to reach such points. I am not expected to get angry at all.

I really, really don't know if there is anybody else with any similar complexities. I don't want to say that it is all perfectly human. Even if it is, I don't want to know. I cannot hold my subconsciousness in my hands and make it work in my favorable and so-felt logical way. I would simply leave it.