Many times when a person goes for a job interview he is asked to talk about himself. I was wondering how a person can talk about himself without telling good - things in his favor. If he goes on to tell the bitter things in him then he would hold no chance of getting the job. And we all know that it is considered insane to talk good things about ones own self. I couldn't get the point how a person can be given a job on what he tells about himself.
There was something more interesting I was pondering upon. I see many people getting married - I see some marriages closely when they are of my cousins or close relatives. I often find that the guy selected (if it happens t be a cousin sister's marriage) is judged chiefly based on what all the parents come to know about him through others. Character of that person is said to be the most important thing. And it is also an essential matter to have a clear idea of that person's financial position - obviously because money is what everybody needs and many love.
To the best of my abilities to think, I don't think that a person's character can be judged merely asking a few people who know him. But the only thing that can be judged is something which is more apparent - money. Status can be flaunted in many ways. I am not aware of a single method to flaunt good character. Especially when somebody is in this scenario.
I have even seen some absurd judging done in colleges by lecturers. Now in no way am I writing that something unfair has happened with me in th recent past or the present. I have a different objective here might never be accomplished! Some lecturers see a student, look at the face, maybe even consider the marks, and decide the character of the student. I can list easily list out several people who score less than average but are better people than many others. I also know people who score a lot but ... I must not write much about them. Else, someday, somebody might question my character.
I have always tried to make my blogs a mirror of mine. And so, I wrote as much as I could. And more precisely, as honest as possibly. And for that reason I have been questioned too and even ended up being hated sometimes. Today I told a friend sorry for something I wrote about him some months back. In fact it was a complete post blasting at him.
My blogs give my character. I have always believed in being a person with an ice berg kind of outlook - ten percent visible to everybody and the rest hidden beneath the water but still accessible to anyone who wills to get closer - friendlier. But today as I write all this, I know I have crossed many lines. Perhaps I have only ten percent hidden and the rest open. Open, unshielded, unprotected from any possible threats and heat. I do sweat because of that heat quiet often now. But I am glad I have integrity on my side. I am not fooling anybody. I am not fooling myself.
I have written many times how I was a fool, how I didn't think before doing so and so things, I have mentioned that I am a lazy person, I have also stated how I can justify my inabilities. I have written as many bad things I could about myself. All with the purpose of becoming a transparent person. I have well been told sometimes that I wrote a little too much and ironically I have felt good about it.
I have always wanted to master the art of writing. I would never master it even till the time I die. But I have been putting some efforts and inshAllah I will continue doing so. Whenever I was hiding something in my words, I knew I was doing it. Whenever I was being tendentious, I knew I was. Even now when I write things that may or may not make sense, or may look completely irrelevant, I know I am doing it. That it my objective for today.
If someday some person reads my blog for the first time and complains to me that I write crap, then I would say "half of what I write is crap; but it is necessary so that the other half reaches you". If he says I am trying to flaunt some thing - some precise things, then I would surely ask "are you reading my blog for the first time? I have been doing it since the day I started writing. I had only one premise."
Every post I write, has in some way or the other, 'this' premise I talk about. I know I am not literally talking about it. But those who know me know what is inferred. Yes this thing - those who know me - it makes a whole world of difference. Those who don't know, can surely think me as a bad person. I remember a person calling me mysterious not once but several times. We are great friends now - nobody can believe how great.
I know my behavior is not like that of others. Especially the way I always prefer keeping my head down while walking in the open, giving as much respect as possible to people when I talk even if they are the closest friends of mine (the way I use 'aap' for everybody irrespective of the relationship and age difference), the way I dress always. I know one or more of these thing can make me appear like mysterious. I don't see how my character can be questioned. Now, in no way am I saying that somebody has done it. I have a premonition and I want to ward it away even before it knocks me out.
My brother who is a lot more than four years younger to me knows how we both brothers are different from others in the way we treat each other. On several occasions he has termed me as strange and I liked it. I liked it because I do treat my brother quiet differently than others treating their siblings.
My parents, especially my father, is more often like a friend to me. I have shared almost everything about me with him. I couldn't let him know the premise. I have that guilt always that I have to hide this from him and my mother. I can't explain how much I tell them about me. I can't describe how close I am to them yet how that premise effects things.
Some days back one of my friends was staring at some girls and appreciating them. I immediately started a debate about this - staring at girls with no reason. He, along with another friend, argued that it is normal for men to look at girls this way. I asked if I was not normal if I don't have the same belief. The answer I got from them was a 'yes'. To be frank, I liked when they said I am not normal - especially for this reason that I don't like looking at any girl except for when I have some valid reason and I hardly find valid reasons for this. I took being called 'not normal as a compliment.
For the first time in my blog - in all the blogs I have - I will mention something like this; I won't repeat it again: one of those friends was a girl and she too said that it was normal for guys to look or stare at girls. So, I did take it as a compliment. I can't simply imagine myself looking at a girl with no reason.
Now, one could say that I am praising myself here. Yes I am doing that. I started todays post with something mentioning about this. I am talking about myself. I am talking about what people have to tell about me. I am talking about these people who are good friends of mine. I break one of the rules I had for my blogs just to explain a point that I am not like the other guys. Yes, this might sound absurd here - me calling myself different from other guys. Again somebody might say I am praising myself. That person doesn't trust me.
The reason for what I did - wrote - the above was the premise again. That premise has made me start writing in blogs. It has changed my life. And if that premise tells that everything I write relates to it directly sometimes and sometimes indirectly, I will agree without a doubt or a question in my mind. Thats the premise. And if the premise says that my talking and writing about it defames it, then it is going to hurt me more than how many things could hurt because I remember that when that thing became my premise I fell from grace. I was humiliated. I lost all the image I had in front of some of my friends who were with me since my childhood. I lost a few friends because of this. I lost respect. I lost pride. My ego was hurt. I felt myself a looser. I cursed myself. It changed my life. But no matter what happens to me or what has happened with me or to me, I can never ever even think of hurting the premise in any way. I would kill myself than do that.
If that premise says that my blogs' existence can be bad for it's image, I will delete all of them - all my blogs with several hundred posts in them; all that had taken hours and hours to be built. If that premise says that my existence is a problem for it, then I am sorry to say I won't 'delete' myself. I know that I belong to Allah and that I have no right over the life he has blessed me with. I can think even when I can be mad. At least here.
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