Priorities invariably play a very imperative role in a person's life. If something bothers me would only let me know that it makes a difference to me and it is verily there on the ladder of priorities. It is a ladder because with time, people and maturity - inanity including - those 'priorities' keep moving up and down. The problem starts the day any one or more of them get stuck at on of the steps of that ladder. I refer to the things that refuse to change but should change. On top of the ladder one is supposed to have religion and parents so the top never attempts to differ. The rung just below that is the critical place that can make or break.
When my priorities cause to break me, it perhaps means that I couldn't be the kind of person I wanted to be and I need to revisit the moral codes of conduct I was attempting to follow. I don't say I have anything concrete decided but my mind-set guides me to some logics and they can be erroneous. It makes me poignant. The whole of me. That amounts to self-destruction. There is no excitement in self-destruction.
Before dinner I spent almost 30 minutes on the terrace again. The was only the moon to be seen. I don't remember the presence of any diamonds in the sky that sometimes make me feel offended when they twinkle. It looks as though they are smiling with some unknown mischief and mocking at me. I didn't feel that today and so, I am sure there were no stars in the sky.
When I was walking up the stairs my mother asked why I wanted to go there in dark. I said "simply". My brother asked if he could accompany. When I asked him a why, he said "because it is dark up there". I said it doesn't matter. Yes how can darkness matter when the 40 watt fluorescent tube was pinching my eyes. 20 minutes after my stay upstairs, my mother called me again. She had a kind of tone one would have when he or she is asking happily a beloved person to stop doing something that makes him very serious for that moment and he is not supposed to be that way. Though I didn't see her face when she called for me, I am sure she had a smile then.
I asked her why she was calling me. Instead of answering to me, she told my father what I was asking. Sometime later my brother called me for dinner and I heeded. And responded in a few minutes. I finished the dinner with my parents. My mother asked me why I ate so less. I ate enough. Usually I don't eat so fast, this time I did. And I was asked for eating less.
I thought somebody would come online and I would chat. I found nobody. I am sure all my friends are studying for the exams. The first of these externals is the toughest one for me. It is all Allah's will. I wanted somebody to talk to. Nothing particular in ideas. Just about something to make myself feel that I am not lonely. I asked my father if we could go for a stroll outside. He agreed. Then I said we will drop the plan. I had no plans to tell him anything in particular. I just wanted somebody to be by my side. And walk with me.
I can't bear to be fooled by a person who might be on that priority ladder. It would hurt me. Hurt my ego; hurt my heart. Heart my soul. It would hurt even more because I don't feel like weeping. It feels as if everything is over and it is only me that is left. Sometimes not even the memories. Not that I had many. And not that I know that I have been fooled. But it matters and I don't know why. And I don't see if the knowledge too could make any difference.
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