Heavy in my heart

I had quantitative analysis at CL today and we studied Permutations. It was a bit tough and cumbersome. I even got the next packet of preparation books. The tension is beginning to build up with November nearing. This might seem ludicrous for any person who is not writing CAT! Time is moving fast and it is faster especially at times when things begin to appear threatening.

I just now set the washing machine for 'spin'. I had my clothes long back but totally lost the track of what was going on in the house after having dinner at 10:15 pm. My brother reminded me that I had to finish the washing thing. The machine is showing some problem when ever it is set for all the tree functions at once - wash, rinse and spin. I am doing the last one separately.

In the evening I had been to my grandmother's house. Last Sunday I took mu uncle's CR writer and I had to return it. I spent more than 2 hours there and felt the sorrow left by my grandfather's death. It is more than two months now but whenever I go there I still get a feeling that he is still in the house, in his room. We have not yet cleared his things - we didn't get the will to do it. But it hurts more when I see his bed and his table with all his medicines and books arranged they way he used to keep it. A layer of dust shows that he hasn't touched them for two months now.

I remember reading a quote. I read it long back, but recollected it just yesterday. "In three words I can sum up everything I have learnt about life. It goes on." Maybe I have moved on in my life, but past is always recorded in our brains and we can seldom erase it. I miss my grandfather. He was one of the dearest people in my life. I will miss him till I die.

We see some things and we perceive that it has no light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen a few myself but every time this happened, light came in from somewhere. Perhaps that quote means more than what really it makes apparent to me. Greatness of Allah is beyond any measure.

I had 'nahari' in the dinner. There was some chicken too to make the dinner perfect. I didn't eat much even when there was so much offered. I don't have an answer why I didn't. Something seems to hurt me and the problem is that I don't know what it exactly is. Calling myself a fool can't be a good thing to do now. It can make more sense if there was nothing like love.

I have been giving myself some extra doses of Hindi songs. I have lost many English ones to the crash of my computer's operating system and now, the only numbers I could assemble on the drive till now are the ones given to me by one of my friends and a couple of CDs I had made long back. Songs from DDLJ and some remixes are finding me enthralled!