Perhaps it is better for me that I must not write when I am in a mood rather to feel than to think. But yesterday apart from this logic there was a thing else that didn't let me update my blog - I was uploading the pictures on the previous post. After writing that post, I forgot to upload them and I realized it only after switching off the computer. Yesterday when I uploaded them first, I didn't like the way I arranged them, they all seemed scrambled all over the text of the posting. I had to delete them and arrange again. It was 1:30 am already and so, I didn't take the pain to write after that. I slept at 3:30 am, but I was not at the computer.
Some time back I typed a big post on 'change'. I got more in the depth of the second part of the title of that post - 'some things refuse to change'. I really don't know why I still believed that I am destined for a few things to happen to me even when they hardly look possible. There are, I feel, some forces that don't want those things to happen to me. Of course it is all Allah's will but writing and presenting it this way sounds more emotional. Obviously, no doubt, why I used the word 'feel' for all this. I couldn't keep myself away from this idea. I am human and emotions are an integral part of me.
Two days back when I wrote the last post I said that I can't cut my hands and picture to present the stupidity on my blog. It was again a feeling I tried to express. It was more of exhibitionism than expressionism. And while all this, I understand I have only one problem with me - I know everything yet I am inactive. Or maybe I do not know the things that would bring action in me. Perhaps all I do is just fooling around myself. But I am happy usually. Usually, until something meets my eye and brings me back to square one - the point from where I can only see the end and the improbable destiny which will just remain as a destiny that would never be reached. Life will end before that, and it will prove it was something else but not what I thought it to be. It was a dream which was more than a necessity - or perhaps I perceived it as a necessity and in reality it was nothing but a lot less than a dream - and when I get to realize all this, its going tobe too late.
It is always helpful to have people who would hold my hands and take me to where I have to go. Even in the most conservative of families this thing happens. I am not like that. I have been given freedom which is virtually seamless and I can't imagine it's boundaries. But it becomes uncertain at times when I am told that I have left the boundary behind me, and there are times too when I am told that there is no boundary at all because I am trusted. I do not know if I deserve that trust considering the things I can't say and the things I must not say. It is pathetic that I have such kind of things with me and within me.
Sometimes it s in our well being that we don't come across some things or as a matter of fact, some people. They can just turn everything - not upside-down - but towards ruining every dream, every life and every destiny. The problem again boils down and sucks out air from only one thing - the requirement of precise and necessary action. I lack this.
Being mediocre, living always with a smile on the face no matter what dreams are lost and what are suffocated, desiring nothing but a little satisfaction from some small figures and lesser digits, residing in homes made of walls that smell hard work but not dreams, having people who are very close to us because they were meant to be that way and not because they are the necessity of the soul, living with them for the constraints that never hurt because God has put them on us but always have left wanting for something else. All these may be just abstracts, but they make differences that cause to effect the whole.
Yesterday I reached the college a little before 11 am and I knew I was getting late. On my way I got calls from my friends and a message from a senior asking where I was. All I could do was to tell a 'sorry'. It always works. At least with me. I don't mean to use them in lieu of my inactions, but just to show that I am guilty for so and so thing and I regret it with heart. It is not rhetoric when I say that. I mean the same with words like 'thank you' and 'please'.
And iff at all anybody thinks that I am addicted to internet, I would like to mention that this is after a lot of Sundays the I am spending time on the internet during the day time. Even in the evening after coming from the college I always have the option of being online, I do it only after 8 pm usually. I like spending time here but it is not a necessity for me. Some times it becomes important. Most of the time it is just a luxury. Yesterday night it was important.
When I try to reflect where I am going, I walk across many thoughts but in the end the first post of my first blog 'Flowing Emotions' says it all. It was titled at 'Dare to See Failure'. The first post was something else and I had to remove it making this one as the first. I am the same person I was in the November of 2005. I refused to change. But I should have. I couldn't move on. http://xubayr.blogspot.com/2005/11/dare-to-see-failure_16.html
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