Today after fajar I went online for a little more than an hour. I logged into MSN messenger after a lot of time and found my cousin sister from Austin online. The last time I spoke to her was when she was in India in February 2006. We had a chat for about an hour in the morning. We renewed old things and recollected the days we had some years back.
When I was small I once asked her if she knew how to write poems. She said "yes". I was amazed that she could write and I also had told that it seems impossible to me to rhyme anything. Now, every time I write a poem I think about her. I told her about this. She told me that she remembers me whenever she does calligraphy.
It was she who taught me this art I cherish. She said she help her daughter with her school work and gets to do a lot of calligraphy. So, she said this way she remembers me every few days. I was flattered. She was closest to me in those days and she told me that I am always special for her. I didn't know how to respond. I smiled. I meant that smile - the smiley :) and also the one I had on my lips when I was keying those 2 characters.
My friend who celebrated his birthday on Sunday wanted to give a small treat to some friends he missed out. So, he took us out to have ice creams at Snowies. I had 'Chocolate Yummy' there. I reached home at 4:20 pm after that.
In the evening I was busy with my cousin sister who visited our house. My parents were not at home so I was talking to her. Then I turned on the computer and logged into yahoo messenger. My friend started a chat and told me that the result of the last semester were out and he added the word 'mubarak'. I was confused. I was surrounded by my niece and nephew and wasn't able to type anything. I took a break from them to learn that I scored 68.4%. I don't know how exactly I feel now. Perhaps ambivalent.
It was my father's birthday today. I wished him a little late - at 12:30 pm when I was in the college. In the evening we had a small party kind of thing and we got food from outside. I had tandoori chicken, butter chicken and biryaani. Then my parents went to my cousin's house to drop her back. Her husband is in Behrain and she is staying here alone with her children.
Today I was thinking about how different every family is. Right form the way they live, eat, dress and sleep. I tried to wonder how my niece and nephew feel about their other cousins who again are my niece and nephews. I tried to put myself in their place. I felt that I am better off with the cousins I have. I am happy with the sent of aunts and uncles I have. I am glad to be where I am now. I can't imagine taking any other person's shoes.
Though this can be a good thing for me, it's really not that good. Being this way means that I didn't learn how to adjust with different atmospheres. perhaps I don't like changes to happen with and around me. May be I am obsessed to the way things are now. This will meant hat it will hurt me a lot when things will no more be the way they are now. I am confused.
Yes ... I know. Today I am confused. I need to be either logged in or logged out of the commitment I am thinking of. I don't know what to do. It looks as if I won't get what I am asking for. Some people seem to be so far. I was wondering if there is some way that can let me know what is right - to stay determined or to give up. Sometimes even refusing to give up can be a mistake. I need to destroy somethings before they destroy me. I am attempting to destroy a hope. I try it even when I am reluctant to do so.
Most of my friends scored more than me. I am happy for them. I don't know if I am frank with what I am writing but I wished I never had to see my marks. Not because they would be less. Just because they would be more than what I deserve. I was supposed to fail in one subject. At a time when getting 30 in that subject (Microprocessor Systems and Interfacing) seemed impossible, I got 55. How do I give solace to my conscience? What face will I how to Allah? I feel so ashamed.
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