A Bookmark On My Life

Yesterday night my mother did something and I told her that there is nothing she can do more than that. I was about to leave when my father put his arms around me and consoled me. I was crying. There were no thoughts of any past and of any future. It was then, and it was making all the difference. I was shouting at the pitch of my voice - I didn't care who else other than my parents and my brother was listening. They meant nothing to me because those who meant everything were in front of me. Apart from these 3 people, I was thinking of 2 more and was in tears. Friends, relatives, acquaintances ... nothing seemed relevant or important.

A few hours before that when we were leaving my aunt's house after having dinner, my eldest cousin sister asked me to take care of my mother. I said 'yes' even though it seemed a little strange to me that she had to ask me for that. Later I understood that she already knew several things. Out of all my cousins from my father's side she is the closest to my mother.

I know these words are making no sense to anybody. How much I wish I had some person - a friend - with whom I could share everything and relieve myself of the pain I have inside me. I felt lonely yesterday; I feel the same way now. I have nobody I can sit and talk to about this. I can't share it with anybody. I know it's only my sister who got married a few days back with whom I can talk on this and she will come online only after 11th of January; but I wouldn't want to trouble her with all this. She will be there in US with her husband.

I write all this with only one reason - some years later when I read my old blogs, I will know that I was in this state on this particular day. Not that I will forget what happened yesterday - I can forget myself but not that. I write this just to put a bookmark on my life. I may see worse moments in the days to come. I pray to Allah that everything becomes fine and I am happy. It has nothing to do with my friends or anybody outside home.

Last Sunday I had a term assessment test at Career Launcher. I didn't prepare anything for it but still attempted it. It was a 2 and a half hour test but I did what I wanted to in just 2 hours and left. My friend did the same thing too. I was satisfied with the way I attempted the questions in considerations to what all I had studied till now. I didn't attend the analysis class after that. Not even the Sunday's class. I was on my way to Guntur.

Sunday morning I woke up at 6:30 am and started the preparations. By the time everything was ready it was 8:30 am and we were at my uncle's house at Surya Nagar at 8:45 am. They were waiting for us and we were already late. We started of immediately. My uncle had hired an air conditioned bus with 2 televisions in it. It was a Volvo ... very very comfortable and completely sealed with glass.

We took the ring road and took the exit from Hyderabad via Rejendranagar. A few kilometers from Ramoji Film city we took a stop for snacks (break fast) at a restaurant. I don't know if restaurant is the exact word but its close to what that place actually was!

It was connected to a Reliance petrol station and it was a wonderful place with a beautiful scenic location and well built structure. We had some south Indian food there and took some photographs. All through the journey and even in Guntur I didn't miss any opportunity of taking nay pics except once - on our return journey we took a stop for lunch at some village where we had meals on 'pathrolis'. There were several curries including 'saambar' and also a bowl of curds which I didn't even prefer to look at. When we stopped at that place, I asked my father if there could be some alternative to that food - he asked me to search for McDonalds. I tried looking around for some bakery but with no success. The hotel smelled of all milk and curds and I did not want to sit there. I was hungry and had to eat something.

While we were in the Volvo bus we saw a telugu movie - 'Athadu'. We coudln't watch the last part as the CD wasn't available. This telugu movie's CD was all that was avalable in the bus. There was no other option. At the Reliance station we bought some CDs of video songs but didn't watch them completely - we were busy enjoying in the back seats of the bus. There were 3 - 4 cell phones, an i - pod and lost of music. My niece and nephew were entertaining us with their dances and we were enjoying bugging them.

I sat most of the time with my cousin who is from Deccan college and rest of the time with 2 others one of whom looks similar to 'Athadu' - Mahesh Baabu in that movie! We have been using that name for him since then.

Several times I tried to sleep but couldn't. I thought about many things and tried to think all those things in many ways. I was watching at the fields we were driving past. They were so well organized into parts - squares, rectangles and other designs, with plants and saplings planted in perfect rows and columns that appeared to be flowing against as we were moving past them.

The plants close to the road seemed to flow very fast. The ones a little away seemed to be a little lazy. Those far appeared to be crawling away from us. The ones very far seemed to be stationery for a lot time before we had to get away from them ourselves. I compared this to different people in our life - some that stay for long and some that move away quickly. Someday everybody leaves and all that matters is we, ourselves and nobody else.

We reached Guntur around 5 pm. My cousin's husband was there to receive us at the hotel - Hotel Annapurna, near the bus stand. It was very close to their house in Guntur and also to the function hall where we had the reception.

My cousin's husband is one of the sweetest and the most shy people I have ever met. He received us at the hotel, then took us to the function hall for our lunch - was there to look after us, even while the reception was on he was there to take care of the serving of food while we were eating - all this in his own reception! The next day too he was with us till we left the town.

Almost everyone of us took our suits and jackets for the function along with us in the bus. There, at the reception, along with the host, we were the only people wearing such clothes. It looked odd to me with so many people staring at me - as if I am an alien or some different human being. But I liked it - I was being looked at.

The style in which the food was served was a bit different - not like the kind of tables in chairs we have in Hyderabad. There were several tables arranged in a line with chairs on only one side. The food was served from the other side by waiters who were carrying large containers with them. There were continuously moving around asking us if we want that particular dish they were serving. It was different, but it was good.

After the dinner I had detailed discussion on this with a cousin and an uncle. Before having this talk I wasn't happy with this style. But my uncle said wonderful things to me. The most important thing was that by opting for this way wastage of food can be reduced almost to null. Also that people will have in their plates only what they need in the quantity they need. There was a lot spoken of on this and I was satisfied.

I learnt a lot form this. I learnt how simple people live in small towns and villages but still they are so good and beautiful with their heart. We living in cities waste so much and yet aren't contended with even the best we get. Those people give us so much respect and concern when we visit their place and we are exactly opposite of that. But I fond many things very confusing.

When my cousin's husband was looking after the serving of the food, the waiter put 3 pieces of chicken on my uncle's plate. My uncle said that he wanted only 2 and one would be wasted. My cousin's husband was there and he simply took one of the pieces and he ate himself. I wasn't there to see that but when my uncle told me about this, I realized that my sister couldn't have had a better person than him as her husband. My uncle said he was highly impressed of this.

This may seem a little weired that he takes the piece and eats it but that is what goodness is all about. He didn't want anything to be wasted and he respected my uncle. He knew my uncle didn't want to eat it. he knew it wouldn't be nice to force anybody to eat. I don't know how to frame what exactly I feel on this but I am very happy.

After that we had the photo session when I finally got to meet my sister. I couldn't meet her on the wedding day. I couldn't even wish her and congratulate her that day. Sunday, I did. She came to meet all the elders and after that she stood for a while with my and my cousin. We asked her a few things, she told a few things, we teased her and she also told us that everybody other than people at home talk in telugu and she is finding it real hard to understand a thing. I asked her to com online as soon as possible so that I can teach her a little telugu!

I was glad that she came to talk to us. It was not at all a formality. There were many people around and she could have sat at one place with her head down. I wanted to talk to her badly - just to feel that she is there and she was there! I had even prayed that I get to talk to her personally before she leaves for US. I even had a good talk to her husband - he is wonderful.

After all that few of us - including me and my father - started for the hotel on foot. We waled through the empty road. My father wanted to have tea and it was 1 am. We were searching for some hotel when somebody told us to go inside the bus-stand. It was a big place. The entrance looked somewhat like an entrance to a subway. The tea we had was far better than what we were being served at the hotel we were staying.

We returned back and by the time I slept, I am sure, it was 2:15 am. In the morning we had planned to visit my cousin's house once before leaving for Hyderabad. We had our breakfast at the hotel and reached her house. Now we had another bus - it was air conditioned but not a Volvo. But it was good enough except that we were falling short of 2 seats. We adjusted somehow.

The bus didn't take us to the house. We had to walk almost a kilometer through a narrow street that took us to a bigger place - that was probably a vegetable market. We crossed that place to reach her house. I was glad to meet her again. This time it hardly seemed that she had been married just a few days back. There were some cool drinks bottles and I casually told her that she should serve us as we are visitors to her house. few minutes later I saw her serving sweet to everybody! She was surely at home.

I even told her about the pain I am having on the right side of my upper jaw. She asked me to go to a dentist for a check up if the pain continues for some more time. It was nice being there - it was worth that walk. It was rightly termed by one of my cousins - "jihad to meet your sister"!

We started from Guntur at 1 pm. We stopped at that hotel to have food on the leaf-plates. The journey was very slow and we couldn't enjoy the way we did while going. We listened to some music and tried to sleep. I couldn't. I had several things in my mind - even tears.

I can never forget the tears I saw in my sister's eyes. She and her husband came to see us off and she was standing outside the bus. Tis particular bas had small narrow windows and I spoke to her a little from there. My other cousins were all resting on me to talk to her from that window. She had tears - she had just met her parents. I asked her "you are crying". She said "keep quiet, don't tell". Later I realized I should have called he husband who was standing near by - but may be I think I did good by not calling him; she asked me to stay quiet. She told my other cousin that she was crying because we were leaving. I can never forget those tears.

It was a good trip. I got things to learn, I got time to spend with everybody and most importantly - I met her. I am happy for everything. Everything up to what happened before I reached home yesterday night. I can't talk on that with anybody and it hurts me a lot.

Today my mother told me that she lives for me me and my brother and we all should be happy. I am happy. Fine. But everything is incomplete and things are to be set right. My parents are happy with me - they said they love me and they need me. I need them too - even my brother. Things look foggy now - I do not know whats happening. Allah knows everything and I should accept everything he gives and takes away. He is my creator and we are all His slaves.

Today I went to the college but missed the first class. I finished my sleep then left home. It was simple day - I smiled, laughed, went to have a burger in the afternoon - calm, but had everything in my mind. I took a nap after coming home but didn't go to the gym. I need to manage time, need to cut on computer usage. I even wrote an article for MJ Communique.