I know. Do you?

Today we were expecting it to be the last day of Ramzan. Fortunately it was not. We have another day to fast and that means more blessings. Even those into various businesses get benefited. I am not going to tell how because there is a special reason that I am writing today's post and it is very important.

When I was in 7th standard (I am not sure but somewhere around), my grandfather gifted me a book by name 'The Big Book of Knowledge'. I used to read it a lt. It was a fat book - a real big one, and I read every single page of it. It was as if I have acquired a lot of knowledge on various topics and subjects and it was definitely something big for a student of that age. I used to feel nice knowing all that. The book was amazing and it included almost important thing on earth, in brief. I think I read it more than once; few pages were read several times!

I was proud of myself. I felt great knowing all that because there were very people who had that kind and amount of knowledge. I felt that way and I was almost right. I was really, really proud of myself. I felt pride whenever I used to share my knowledge with others. I felt superior to others that I had read all that and I had some knowledge. I even felt that others were inferior to me because they didn't know what I knew.

As days passed, even years, I understood that taking pride in possessing something is a sin. Though even till date I don't find people who have read that book and learnt so much from it. It’s a different case that I might have forgotten much from that. But my pride is no more. I grew up. I learnt. I learnt humility (though not to perfection). I began understanding that importance of knowledge and how to use it. I learnt sharing; not preaching.

Till my 10th standard my father taught me many things - religion and more. He used to get books and give them to me to read them. I used to read every book. I learnt things. I came to know more about my religion. But I didn't learn the implementation. I had the knowledge. I father taught me how important prayers were, he sent me to learn how to recite the Holy Quran, he completed all his responsibilities. He is a great father. But my parents never had the time to force me do anything. They trusted my knowledge, faith, maturity, intelligence or whatever it can be termed as. I knew the rules. I was following the ones I was comfortable with. I hardly took pride because by then I also learnt that I had to learn even more.

All those days I used to attend all religious sermons with my father. I understood more about Islam. But somehow I always used to feel that I was superior to many people because I had read some books that already told me what was right and wrong and the sermons I was listening were just a repetition of that. Though I liked hearing to a few people, there were some I always ran away from. It was basically because they spoke as if they were superior to me. I never liked being inferior. I like being equal to everybody.

When I got into my intermediate (+2), I had my Arabic Sir who mentored me. He had no pride. He spoke as though he loved his students and wanted them to learn what he has already learnt. I considered him to be someone equal to me; someone who really wanted to help me. I liked him. I listened to all that he said and tried to implement it. I started becoming a better person. But along side I continued my dislike towards the people who gave religious sermons and had pride in their voices. I didn't like listening to them because I felt they considered me a sinner. These people though they were cleaner than me and superior for that reason. I felt being downplayed by them whenever I heard them. So, I avoided them. But there were always some whom I liked and listened to - one of them being an Imam at a mosque at Mehdipatnam.

I got into engineering. My Arabic sir remained in my mind and I am sure I will never forget him. But now, I had nobody like him with me. I stopped listening to sermons for the reason I have said above. I hardly had any Alims I could trust. And I couldn't listen to their speeches as there were time and place constraints. To other 'speakers' I asked in my heart 'who are you to teach me?', 'why are you so proud of yourself and your position?', 'why do you think I am a sinner?' 'Do you think you know me? Do you think you know how much faith in Allah I have? Do you think you know what I do at home?'

I kept reading small things here and there and sometimes even listened to some people. But I never got anybody who could really perturb me. I never found someone who was my equal and who shared things with me rather than being preachy. I didn't get anyone who cared for me and told things so that I can be better person. I never found a person who could listen to me and the things I knew. Until now (I refer to the time I am spending in the college with my friends talking about Islam).

Though I know the rules, the correct and the incorrect things, I wasn't implementing them. Now I am getting motivated. I am getting motivated because I am discussing it with my friends. They are telling me their own experiences. They are sharing with me. They are making me feel like a sinner. They make me feel as if I can become a better person. I never feel inferior to them. I never feel as if anybody of them is taking any pride. I feel that these are the people who can tell me anything; who can set me right; who can make me implement what all I know.

I know the amount of faith I have in me. Or perhaps Allah know is better. Allah knows what I am from inside - He knows more than what I know about myself. Allah knows about me what others do not. The people who preach, the people who try to teach me, the people who take pride in the knowledge they have, they people who are better than me and have committed less sins than me (Allah knows better), the people who think they have more faith in Allah in me; they all do not know about me but Allah knows everything.

When I recite the second Kalima, I know what I am saying. I am proclaiming that I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and Muhammed (pbuh) is his prophet. I say that I am a witness to this fact even though I haven't seen Allah. I bear the witness only because I know Allah is there, He has created me, He is there with me always. I bear the witness for several reasons including the fact that I have personally felt many things that have made me cry. I am a witness to Allah's presence.

Now, today. Today a friend of mine told me 2 things. He told a lot and I divide it into 2 parts. One of which is correct and the other a prejudice, speculation or his foolishness. Yes, I use this word 'foolishness' here. First he told me about the things I was wrong in. It was fine. He wants me to be on the right path. I agree I am doing many things wrong, so being a good friend he reminded me of my mistakes and faults. JazakAllah. He wants good for me - of course.

The second thing: he said I am forgetting the main purpose of life - having enough merits so as to reach heaven. He said that my priorities and not right and I am not bothered of the hereafter. He said I am not worried about my life after death and I am more engrossed with the world. He said I am giving more importance to this world and not the world that would come after my death. He said I am a sinner. He said I am asking for so many favors from Allah that my merits wouldn't be enough to get me to heaven. He said that if Allah accepts all my prayers, He won't send me to heaven. In a way he said that there is some quota that I am using up here in this world instead of using it to reach heaven.

I didn't understand what made him say that. Does he think he knows me completely? Does he think he knows all about the prayers I perform? Does he think he knows what I ask Allah for? Does he think he knows about my faith?

I am not here to let anybody know about the faith I have. I don't want to talk about the prayers I perform or the tears I shed. I am not in any mood to tell anybody anything I do for my life after my death. I don't what to tell how I thank Allah for everything He has done for me. I don't want to talk about how I ask Allah's forgiveness. I don't want to share how my 'Duas' are. Allah knows it and I think it is enough that He knows.

But this guy is my friend. He has gained more knowledge than me. Some day back he gave a speech about the Holy Quran and I liked it so much. It was so wonderful. I like it and also him for that. He has definitely learnt a lot more than me. But today I found him to be the kind of person I have discussed above - the person I don't like listening to; he was to me like the person who considered me to be a sinner inferior to him. My heart ached because he is my friend and till now I loved what all he used to say. Today he made me believe that I can include him among the people whose talk I dislike or have an aversion towards. I felt pride in his talk. He was the person I have described above.

I wish I am wrong. I want to be at fault. I want somebody to make me believe that I am wrong and he is right in everything he said - including the way he said and also what he thinks about me - a sinner.

And also I felt that I can't share with him a few things I used to share with him until now. He said they are wrong. I know they are wrong. He listened to me till now. Now he gained some knowledge that according to him makes him superior to me - because I am a sinner now. But now I don't feel like sharing something with him - the something I am talking about is known to people who know me personally and also to him. I wish I am wrong. I pray that Allah guides me and puts me on the right path.

He is my friend and its a fact. Facts don't get altered even when they are made to cease to exist. Facts are facts.

Somehow I feel that I am becoming a heavy person to carry - a difficult person to be with. In short I am becoming a complex personality. I know there are many people who like calling themselves as complex - my blogs define me better.

The biggest problem with me is the implementation of the knowledge I have - for reason I know and also for the reason I do not know. I pray to Allah that He guides me and puts me on the right path.

One last thing: Allah has everything in measures we can't imagine of. When I ask Him for something, it never means that He will 'cut' something else from something due to me. I ask him of materialistic things in this world, and I also beg for heaven. I pray for both. I remember both. Allah knows it well; better than me; a lot better than my friend or anybody else.

I like being criticized - but in away that is devoid of any pride and complexes. I like my equals telling me that I am wrong - equals are the people who consider themselves to be equal to me.

Allah save me.

Today I also told my friend that I 'burn' because of a guy who has 'something' which I don't. It was something equivalent to me saying that I am jealous of that guy. My friend recited Surah Falaq. This surah has the verse that asks Allah to save us from teh evil of jealousy. My friend perhaps didn't understand me or perhaps he didn't understand himself. He never tried to imagine himself in my shoes. He doesn't know that this guy - of who I said I am jealous of; or I 'burn' because of whom - is among those I respect a lot. My friend doesn't know that I have prayed for this guy's wellbeing so many times - all this because I know this guy is a good person. I want good for him. I don't want to hurt him. It just so happens that he makes me feel like a looser.

Allah save me.