Anything mild looks severe when we favor the effect

After a lot of 'yes' and 'no' I come out wiht my post of Flowing Emotions. And this time I am satisfied with what I have written - not like previous ones that had made me feel otherwise. A few days back I had posted a poem too on Gridlocked.

I wanted to write for Flowing Emotions but my cold prevented me from doing it. It was as if my brain was closed. Only one of my nostrils was staying open which was a big discomfort to me. It is a little similar even now but it is better than yesterday. I have been immidiately put on antibiotic medication and that has removed all taste from my tongue. I feel something bad in my mouth now. This will continue till I am done with the capsules.

I took up a big part of 'Becoming a Person of Influence' today. I expect me to complete tomorrow. I will start with the reading of a novel next. I am waiting for my cousin to get 'The Da Vinci Code' to me but if that doesnt happen in a day or two I will start 'Nothing Lasts Forever' by Sidney Sheldon. I have taken it from my aunt and I have to return it. Next (whenever it comes), I will go for 'Emotional Intelligence' by Daniel Goleman. I have read some pages from inbetween this book and things look pretty interesting.

Yesterday my medicines kept me sleeping for most of the time. The medicines for coled are usually mild sedatives. Anything mild looks severe when we favor the effect - here sleeping.

Immature Superhero Entertaining Immature Audience

When I woke up in the morning at 5 am I had a terrible cold. It was not that terrible but something was wrong in my throat and nose. I took a tablet and slept again. When I woke up again at 9:45 am I had to take another tablet. My mother asked me to feed the cold. I knew she was joking with me. I had some hot coffee afterward and ven now I can feel something uncomfortable in my throat. It is not exactly pain but it is irritating.

I had thought of writing for my blog in the early morning. But I guess I will have to wait for that till I am perfectly alright. I can't use put other efforts on myself as long as my throat is taking all of it.

Yesterday night (actually today very early morning) I slept at 2 am. It was nice to see that I slept immidiately after falling in the bed.

Earlier yesterday I had been to a movie. It promised to show me the first superhero if the Indian cinema. I was wondering why that superhero behaved childishly in the first half of the movie. According to me superheroes are supposed to be mature. But he was everything but that. It could have been a box office hit if it was not targetted at children. The worst part was the audience clapping at some of the stunts. Were they clapping at the superhero or his computerised stunts? Don't they know the whole world has seen better things in english movies and thi was just an immitaion of that? But this movie will definitely work, it has everything the 'Indian' audience wants - a hero (this time 'super'), a heroine, some (or many) songs, a vilian, beautiful locations, Singapore, stunts we can laugh at, and a happy ending!

Yesterday I had a very nice chat with my cousin. It was nice talking to him after a long time for a long time. We spoke about various things including my cousin's marriage in July. I was telling him why I don't want to attend any parties but still I am compelled to. He was shocked when I said this but later he too agreed with me and he said even he doesn't like to attend any but this time he willbecause it is our sister getting married. I hope everything goes out smoothly with nobody asking me questiong which I may not be able to answer with integrity.

It's 26ht today and I am left with 13 more holidays. I am glad I will be back there but I feel sorry for all the things I had planned to do but couldn't do. But this was for the first time I can say I didn't waste my days. In comparison to my past vacations, I have done a lot this time. These was probably the last time I had so many holidays, the next year I may be busy preparing or some tests.

Somedays back someone asked me about my plans after engineering. I said I will be persuing post-graduation in business administration - MBA. I was asked back in a manner that looked as though I was a fool in deciding that. I was asked why I won't be doing MS. The reason for this question, as stated by that person, was that this would give me a good job. I gave a small reply. I said I will do MBA beacuse I am interested in doing it.

When the first time I saw a computer when I was in kindergarten, at my mother's office, I had decided that I am going to learn to use it. Later in my 7th standard I decided that I shall do my engineering in Computers. After 2001 I was told by many people many times that computers were 'out'. I didn't listen because I was not for something that was 'in' or 'out' but for something I liked. I had no intentions of making a job out of computers for myself. I was interested in business management too.

I took computer sciences because I liked computers and I wanted to study them, not get a job. I will do MBA because I want to, not get a job. A job is secondary and my interests are primary. In the near future should I get a chance to lear more about journalism and arcitecture, I will do that too. Just to fullfill my interests and not to get a job. Right from my childhood I was told by my parents that I am studying for myself - not for the market (to become it's slave), and not for others' interests.

I waited for more than an hour waiting to get soemthing to write on with the blank screen in front of me. I got nothing. Actually I didn't feel like writing what I thought. So thoughts are really mad and foolish, this feeling was one among them. I will write tomorrow morning when I drive crazyness out of me!

A few days back in one of my updates in this space Ihad written the following -

"Today when I woke up at 12 I found no one at home. The main door was open and I was shocked to find that my brother who had not gone to his college today was not home. When he came back from his school ( thats what he said), where he had gone to take his certificates, I scolded him. He said he informed when I was sleeping and replied too!"

Today some one anonymous commentd on it saying it was bad of me scolding my brother. That person also said "no offence meant".

I have no idea who that person was but I can tell a lot about the mindset of his/her. But all I would like too say is that my father too was unhappy at mu brother later in the vening because of the same reason. I was not wrong in scolding him. He knows he should have awaken me completely before leaving. But as soon as the scolding was over everything was normal and we forgot everything.

Yesterday I went to my college. I had to take some signatures for my bus pass. It was raining and my friend and I were complete drenched. We enjoyed a lot. Later in the evening we found many ppl at the bus depot so we submitted the pass today. We met early in the morning at 8am. From there we went to meet another who was sleeping. We sepnt more than an hour with him. I didn't do anything much today. Tomorrow I will be going for a movie with mu couzns. I wil surely enjoy that.

Good Mornings now a days!

I couldn't write an update yesterday. It was already 1:15 am when I finished with my post on Flowing Emotions and I went to bed. I remember staying awake till 2:45 am just lying. I woke up at 4:50 am. I took small naps after that till 8 am but I know I will spend the rest of the day today sleep deprived. Today I had my breakfast early too. It is maybe after several weeks I have had it so early.

I finally completed the editing of the post that was lying. I changed more than half of it. I removed 2 of the 3 examples I had written ad even converted the third one into a complete different form. I kept it more straight.

I have not spent much time on the internet in the last 10 days. I was not at home for a few days and at the other times I was busy reading or sleeping.

Yesterday morning just after the sky was filled with light (not sun rays) I went to my terrace. I wanted to some snaps of the sunrise and the horizon at that time. It was overcast and all I could get were some shots of clouds and a few birds. I don't think I can ever gt a clear horizon to see from my house with so much concrete around. The weather was pleasant and I spend a lot of time under the cloudy sky.

I was carrying an emotional baggage with me - some pieces of paper. I thought it was silly to have them with me. I was not getting enough heart to dispose it off. I burned them yesterday. The burnt pieces were still there but I kept away from them. The rain might have swept it away by now.

For the last 2 days I have been taking care of my father's and brother's breakfasts and lunches. Yesterday I had to prepare sandwiches. Today it was a little easier. My mom left at 6:50 am today. Tomorrow will be her last day at Mahboobnagar.

For the past 3 days I have been trying to go to my college. But my friend is too busy and he is not able to give me the company I require. Today he is ready and I hope I make it now.

This update is unedited - mistakes obvious

It was Sunday morning when I came to know that my grandfather's elder brother was coming to Hyderabad. He lives in Warangal. He was in Hyderabad after a year. The last time he was here when my grandfather was hospitlised. This Sunday he dropped in for a little more than 2 hours. I met him.

Later in the vening that day I came to know about my aunt's arrival from Mecca the next morning. Later that night I stayed at my aunt's house who lives in old city. Early morning I went to pick my aunt. The day was spent at my grandparents' house where my aunts lives in India.

I did a lot of thing on Sunday and Monday. I had a very hectic kind of schedule - all things with my will and interest - and I enjoyed it. I slept for hardly 3 hours on Sunday night. I woke up at 4:30 am.

Yesterday I went to meet my friend. I was with him the complete afternoon.

Yesterday night I slept early - at 11:33 pm. I woke up at 5 am. I slept again at 8:30 am after everybody at home had left.

My mom has to do some inspection work in Mahboobnagar. She left early morning. She wanted to stay there but didnt find a good suitable place. She will make trips to that place daily. She has a tiresome job to dof or the next 3 days till Saturday. She is commuting by train.

I really had many things in mind all these days. I wanted to write on one of the topics I had listed on my blog. I am just not able to get enough. I am reading and not using my computer much. I did a lot of cleaning work today. The shelves near my computer are clean now.

I have 18 more holidays to go. I had decided to write on 25 people. I did start but didn't spend much time on it. I will do it now. I will veen finish that list and also an unedited post still lying. I have that 'unfinished letter' too to be completed. I have a few books to read too. I know I can do all this if I want but I do not know if I'd want to do it or not. I wish I had someone to give a boost to me. I am living a lonely life now a days and being interfered when I am needed. I liek being this way. I was never enforced with any responsibilites and my parents, right from my childhood, have been telling me that I have only one responsibility and that is me. Good but empty for me!

I am still happy. I am doing great. I wish I had autarchy too.

I am leaving this update incomplete. I have seen and thought about many things in the last few days, of course as usual, but I don't feeling like sharing them. I had some hard times with myself too with some old endeavors disturbing me. But I am doing great. I like theses kind of disturbances. They teach me a lot. I was aware of everything that was happening to me and I didn't allow any mood swings to occur :)

Yup!

I was not at home for 2 days. I am very tired today and I will write tomorrow. I have a lot of things to do.

A hard copy finally

I finally took the printouts of some of my blog postings - 'Humilis and Purpa', 'My Perceptions of My Own Life' and 'Reality is Larger Than Life'. I even went for an essay by Ayn Rand on objectivist ethics and one of her interviews. Later in the evening I got my dad to read 'My Perceptions of My Life'. He red it with good interest and also pointed out some corrections in grammar and also adviced a few things. He didn't comment on the ideologies I have oresented there. I was happy he didn't comment. He asked for a final copy with the corrections made along with my mail ID on it.

Today I even got some books for reading. Two of them are novels by Sidney Sheldon and the third is a non-fiction self-help. I first have to finish 'Becoming a Person of Influence'. I shall pack up with that in next couple of days.

My aunt who had gone to Mecca is coming back much against my wish. She says she has no one to talk to during the daytime. She says she is getting bored being home all day. She doesn't seem to like the life in Saudi Arabia. She is the first person I have seen who has this kind of complaint. She says she will now prepare herself so that she can live there forever starting from next year. Hope she sticks to this.

In the vening I got completely drenched in the rain. I had the option of taking some shelter in the shops nearby but I preferred walking back home. I wanted to enjoy the rain too. Further I didn't even know if it was even going to stop - my prayers are always fulfilled - all praise is for God.

Then there was no power at home. I had my dinner in candle light, discussing about novel writing about my dad. He was also telling about a huse his friend is getting constructed in the outskirts of the city - he says it will come out as a masterpiece. In a day or two he will take me to the site. I am eager to talk to the architect who too is my dad's friend.

I was searching for 'Atlas Shrugged'. But my aunt who had it said she had given it to someone who has not returned it yet and she has forgotten who that somebody was. I have enough things to read now - all taken from her. I will try to finish all the reading before my colleges start.

The start of my colleges also coincides with the start of several functions in my family and relatives. My cousin sister is getting married in July and many of my relatives come to India during this part of the year. This time a few more relatives who have not visited India since a long time are expected to come. I do not know but I am not so eager for these reunions. I hope I get along fine with all this.

Flowing ...

This time I wrote what I wanted to write in 2 days of deciding it. But still the list is there. I will work on that soon. It took me a little more than 2 hours to write this particular post and it contained excess of 2600 words. I started writing it and it was only after completing it that I realised its size. I was satisfied after reading it. It was really what the name of my blog says - Flowing Emotions.

Today when I woke up at 12 I found no one at home. The main door was open and I was shocked to find that my brother who had not gone to his college today was not home. When he came back from his school ( thats what he said), where he had gone to take his certificates, I scolded him. He said he informed when I was sleeping and replied too!

I didn't think much today. It was just reading and writing. Then in the evening I watched the television too for sometime. To be frank, I do not know what to write for today.

If the whole world followed me, would it be a better world?

So finally I got to my keyboard. I wanted to write the whole day today about many things but things couldn't be sparked in a way I prefer to have them like. I have finished the reading of 'The Fountainhead'. It took me 6 months to do it. I had almost left it untouched for a month in between. Whenever I read, I just gave in for 3-5 pages. I went for 50 pages once too. Sometimes it so happened that I got into some idea while reading and I surrendered to that idea for more comprehension over it.

But finally I am done and now I am reading 'Becoming a Person of Influence' by John C Maxwell and Jim Dornan. This book is creating a few conflictls in my mind because it preaches 'live for others'. I like having this disturbance and vibrations. They settle the matter perfectly with the heavy substance in the depths and the lighter ones at the top. It helps in better understanding and in decision what to stand for. I remember reading once 'if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything'.

I also got into the thinking about what would happen if every person started following everything I want him/her to. I felt it would be better to give the Holy Quran to everybody and enforce the beautiful book on them. But still I found that I need to learn a lot more before I can understand exactly how it would be if the whole world would have to follow me. It is better that I become someone I should follow first - with everything defined and everything decided - ready to be used - fresh from wars with self - fresh for wars against evil.

Yesterday I was at my friend's house. We had long discussions - on the 2 books he bought which are pirated, on people who are always after college syllabus - whose dreams are just to serve the ideas of their parents - those who don't like a life of their own - most importantly those who waste their potential, then about my parents because of whom the things I must stand for are being defined - implicitly, then more on subjects I can't write about here!

Then in the evening I played cricket with him. It was after a long time that I played any game outdoors. His brothers and cousines were with us and I enjoyed a lot. Here winning was never on my mind - it was more with the game and the satisfaction through the play - the desire and not the object - again!

I came back home late in the evening and was glad to see my father after 2 days. Then we both spoke on several things. I asked about the books he had read. He said even he has no count of that. I asked him how he felt after reading the books of Ayn Rand - he said he took all her philosophy as just her point of view and nothing more. I wondered if I am a fool taking her philosophy so seriously or is it fine for me to learn things this way. I still need an answer for that.

I was too tired so didn't write eanything much yesterday. I woke up early today (at 9:50 am... :D when my mom leaves for her office). I had some work to do and after that I had a half mango, some snacks and slept again. There wasn't much I did during the day and I do not know how the time went by. I don't think anything can bore me. I can make myself enjoyable to me in every way. I like holidays the same way I like the college days - just that there are lesser people involved in the later.

On tuesday when I went out to get a copy of a newspaper to read (a second one that day), I lifted my gaze to look at people around. Usually I do not lift my eyes beyond 6 inches from my feel. I have faced a lot because of this way I have adopted while walking - poeple have sometimes taken to an understanding that there is something mysterious with me when I look down and walk, it has been taken that I am a coward, or always something which I never meant. But I do see up several times and on this particular day I saw many things - abstractions I should call them. I shall later describe in detail what all I felt.

On the same day when I was at my grandparents' house in the night, on that huge bed, alone, I couldn't sleep easily. I went to bed at 10:45 pm and was awake till 1:30 am. This was the time I last saw. I was not bored in any way.I was thinking and learning. I shall write that too. At around 12:30 am, the same night, my aunt from Mecca called and she was asking the size of my clothes and all. She was doing her shopping and she didn't look at her watch before calling!

Sometime back I just got a feeling that I am writting less and less for Flowing Emotions and other blogs. I felt the reason is this particular blog - The ME Daily. I am sharing so much here itself that I don't find anything more to go in depth at any other place. But I know there are many more things to be written now and I shall do them as and when I feel like. I am searching for a nice thing or a software to write a review on for The Technology Blog. Writing for this blog is easy as I don't require any preparations and its just a walk on the things I have thought and done the whole day. Writing for others demnads preparations and some scraps of data and information which may or may not help me - it fires me into the writing atmosphere.

But I understand one thing - it is easier to write on than to read from a computer!

It was not plagiarism

The first paragraph of my previous post on this space had in an unreserved way the perfect explanation of what was to be expected in the next paragraphs. If anyone thought of me as a plagiarist then there must be something wrong with the working of thier muscles around the lens in their eyes or with the language of english they seem to understand.

I had a good day today spent with a friend after a night at my grandparents' house. I feel a bit tired now and I do not intend to force myself into a chain of words and thoughts that I would end today's update right in the next sentence. I have got many things to write on from the last two days I have spent thinking, reading, finishing 'The Fountainhead', and several more actions on the street and at home, that I shall write in detail when I wake up tomorrow and feel like letting the words off on the keyboard without any feel of effort - neither on my hands nor on my brains.

Learn How to Destroy the Men, the Masses and the World

I wanted to share this. After completing the editing (90% is not my original) I had to spend time in thinking the exact blog that should hold this article. Then I remembered the words on the top of ‘The ME Daily’. I found my space.

Not for those who have read 'The Fountainhead'.

Destroying people is an art that can be learnt. I am writing the following after reading a part of ‘The Fountainhead’. This may seem to be a little of unbecoming of me as I am writing on destruction, not just simple destruction, but the destruction of people. I have taken almost all lines directly from the book and I take no credit for any part of this complete explanation; I take the responsibility but. The words here have been made to be said by a character Ellsworth Toohey. I am using them. Simply.

The purpose of me putting this on my blog, as would definitely be doubted by everybody, is that rather than helping to destroy someone, I intend to let them know what can destroy them; or is destroying them. This piece of information can be used in a disgraceful way – for an evil purpose. My purpose of writing it - help others understand the evil being inflicted on them - due to anything they might have done, or not done.

The so called thinkers or philosophers, or principally the preachers of ‘good’ have done a great deal of teaching on how people must be happy or what they should do to be happy. I, for the help of making things understood better, for the next few minutes, will call myself a successor of such kind of men, till the end of this text. A person who wants to rule the world by destroying people’s ‘self’ is narrating his ideas and intentions.

I want to rule the world. I intend to rule. Like all my spiritual predecessors. But I’m luckier than they were. I inherited the fruit of their efforts and I shall be the one who’ll see the great dream made real. I see it all around me today. I recognize it. I like it. Enjoyment is my destiny. I shall find such satisfaction as my capacity permits. I shall rule the world.

It’s only a matter of discovering the lever. If you learn how to rule one single man’s soul, you can get the rest of mankind. It’s the soul, the soul. Not whips or swords or fire or guns. That’s why the Caesars, the Attilas, the Napoleons were fools and did not last. I will. The soul, is that which can’t be ruled. It must be broken. Drive a wedge in, get
your fingers on it--and the man is yours. You won’t need a whip--he’ll bring it
to you and ask to be whipped. Set him in reverse--and his own mechanism will do
your work for you.

Use him against himself. Want to know how it’s done? There are many ways. Here’s one. Make man feel small. Make him feel guilty. Kill his aspiration and his integrity. That’s difficult. The worst among you gropes for an ideal in his own twisted way. Kill integrity by internal corruption. Use it against itself. Direct it toward a goal destructive of all integrity. Preach selflessness. Tell man that he must live for others. Tell men that altruism is the ideal. Not a single one of them has ever achieved it and not a single one ever will. His every living instinct screams against it. But don’t you see what you accomplish? Man realizes that he’s incapable of what he’s accepted as the noblest virtue--and it gives him a sense of guilt, of sin, of his own basic unworthiness. Since the supreme ideal is beyond his grasp, he gives up eventually all ideals, all aspiration, all sense of his personal value.


He feels himself obliged to preach what he can’t practice. But one can’t be good halfway or honest approximately. To preserve one’s integrity is a hard battle. Why preserve that which one knows to be corrupt already? His soul gives up its self-respect. You’ve got him. He’ll obey. He’ll be glad to obey--because he can’t trust himself, he feels uncertain, he feels unclean. That’s one way. Here’s another. Kill man’s sense of values. Kill his capacity to recognize greatness or to achieve it. Great men can’t be ruled. We don’t want any great men. Don’t deny the conception of greatness. Destroy it from within. The great is the rare, the difficult, the exceptional. Set up standards of achievement open to all, to the least, to the most inept--and you stop the impetus to effort in all men, great or small. You stop all incentive to improvement, to excellence, to perfection.

Don’t set out to raze all shrines--you’ll frighten men. Enshrine mediocrity--and the shrines are razed. Then there’s another way. Kill by laughter. Laughter is an instrument of human joy. Learn to use it as a weapon of destruction. Turn it into a sneer. It’s simple. Tell them to laugh at everything. Tell them that a sense of humor is an unlimited virtue. Don’t let anything remain sacred in a man’s soul—and his soul won’t be sacred to him. Kill reverence and you’ve killed the hero in man. One doesn’t reverence with a giggle. He’ll obey and he’ll set no limits to his obedience--anything goes--nothing is too serious.

Here’s another way. This is most important. Don’t allow men to be happy. Happiness is self-contained and self-sufficient. Happy men have no time and no use for you. Happy men are free men. So kill their joy in living. Take away from them whatever is dear or important to them. Never let them have what they want. Make them feel that the mere fact of a personal desire is evil. Bring them to a state where saying ‘I want’ is no longer a natural right, but a shameful admission. Altruism is of great help in this. Unhappy men will come to you. They’ll need you. They’ll come for consolation, for support, for escape. Nature allows no vacuum. Empty man’s soul--and the space is yours to fill. This is the oldest one of all. Look back at history. Look at any great system of ethics, from the Orient up. Didn’t they all preach the sacrifice of personal joy? Under all the complications of verbiage, haven’t they all had a single leitmotif: sacrifice, renunciation, self-denial? Haven’t you been able to catch their theme song--’Give up, give up, give up, give up’?

Look at the moral atmosphere of today. Everything enjoyable, from cigarettes to sex to ambition to the profit motive, is considered depraved or sinful. Just prove that a thing makes men happy--and you’ve damned it. That’s how far we’ve come. We’ve tied happiness to guilt. And we’ve got mankind by the throat. Throw your first-born into a sacrificial furnace--lie on a bed of nails--go into the desert to mortify the flesh--don’t dance--don’t go to the movies on Sunday--don’t try to get rich--don’t smoke--don’t drink. It’s all the same line. The great line. Fools think that taboos of this nature are just nonsense. Something left over, old-fashioned.

But there’s always a purpose in nonsense. Don’t bother to examine a folly--ask yourself only what it accomplishes. Every system of ethics that preached sacrifice grew into a world power and ruled millions of men. Of course, you must dress it up. You must tell people that they’ll achieve a superior kind of happiness by giving up everything that makes them happy. You don’t have to be too clear about it. Use big vague words. ’Universal Harmony’--’Eternal Spirit’--’Divine Purpose’--’Nirvana’--’Paradise’--’Racial Supremacy’--’The Dictatorship of the Proletariat.’ Internal corruption. That’s the oldest one of all. The farce has been going on for centuries and men still fall for it. Yet the test should be so simple: just listen to any prophet and if you hear him speak of sacrifice--run. Run faster than from a plague. It stands to reason that where there’s sacrifice, there’s someone collecting sacrificial offerings. Where there’s service, there’s someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice, speaks of slaves and masters. And intends to be the master.

But if ever you hear a man telling you that you must be happy, that it’s your natural right, that your first duty is to yourself--that will be the man who’s not after your soul. That will be the man who has nothing to gain from you. But let him come and you’ll scream your empty heads off, howling that he’s a selfish monster. So the racket is safe for many, many centuries. But here you might have noticed something. I said, ’It stands to reason.’ Do you see? Men have a weapon against you. Reason. So you must be very sure to take it away from them. Cut the props from under it. But be careful. Don’t deny outright. Never deny anything outright, you give your hand away. Don’t say reason is evil--though some have gone that far and with astonishing success. Just say that reason is limited. That there’s something above it. What? You don’t have to be too clear about it either. The field’s inexhaustible. ’Instinct’--’Feeling’--’Revelation’--’Divine Intuition’--’Dialectic Materialism.’

If you get caught at some crucial point and somebody tells you that your doctrine doesn’t make sense--you’re ready for him. You tell him that there’s something above sense. That here he must not try to think, He must feel. He must believe. Suspend reason and you play it deuces wild. Anything goes in any manner you wish whenever you need it. You’ve got him. Can you rule a thinking man? We don’t want any thinking men.

You’re afraid to see where it’s leading. I’m not I’ll tell you. The world of the future. The world I want. A world of obedience and of unity. A world where the thought of each man will not be his own, but an attempt to guess the thought of the brain of his neighbor who’ll have no thought of his own but an attempt to guess the thought of the next neighbor who’ll have no thought--and so on, around the globe. Since all must agree with all. A world where no man will hold a desire for himself, but will direct all his efforts to satisfy the desires of his neighbor who’ll have no desires except to satisfy the desires of the next neighbor who’ll have no desires--around the globe. Since all must serve all.

A world in which man will not work for so innocent an incentive as money, but for that headless monster--prestige. The approval of his fellows--their good opinion--the opinion of men who’ll be allowed to hold no opinion. An octopus, all tentacles and no brain. Judgment! Not judgment, but public polls. An average drawn upon zeroes--since no individuality will be permitted. A world with its motor cut off and a single heart, pumped by hand. My hand--and the hands of a few, a very few other men like me. Those who know what makes you tick--you great, wonderful average, you who have not risen in fury when we called you the average, the little, the common, you who’ve liked and accepted those names. You’ll sit enthroned and enshrined, you, the little people, the absolute ruler to make all past rulers squirm with envy, the absolute, the unlimited, ‘God’ and Prophet and King combined. Vox populi. The average, the common, the general. Do you know the proper antonym for Ego? Bromide. The rule of the bromide. But even the trite has to be originated by someone at some time. We’ll do the originating. Vox dei. We’ll enjoy unlimited submission—from men who’ve learned nothing except to submit. We’ll call it ‘to serve.’ We’ll give out medals for service. You’ll fall over one another in a scramble to see who can submit better and more. There will be no other distinction to seek. No
other form of personal achievement.

Everything that can’t be ruled, must go. And if freaks persist in being born occasionally, they will not survive beyond their twelfth year. When their brain begins to function, it will feel the pressure and it will explode. The pressure gauged to a vacuum. Do you know the fate of deep-sea creatures brought out to sunlight? So much for future egotistical. The rest of you will smile and obey. Have you noticed that the imbecile always smiles? Man’s first frown is the first touch of God on his forehead. The touch of thought. But we’ll have neither God nor thought. Only voting by smiles. Automatic levers--all saying yes.

What of me, the ruler? What of me? And I’d say, Yes, you’re right. I’ll have no purpose save to keep you contented. To lie, to flatter you, to praise you, to inflate your vanity. To make speeches about the people and the common good. I’m the most selfish man you’ve every known. I have more independence than you; I just force you to sell your soul. I use people for the sake of what I can do to them. It’s my only function and satisfaction I want power. I want my world of the future. Let all live for all. Let all sacrifice and none profit. Let all suffer and none enjoy. Let progress stop. Let all stagnate. There’s equality in stagnation. All subjugated to the will of all. Universal slavery--without even the dignity of a master. Slavery to slavery. A great circle--and a total equality. The world of the future.

You can say I am insane. There you sit and the world’s written all over you, your last hope. Insane? Look around you. Pick up any newspaper and read the headlines. Isn’t it coming? Isn’t it here? Every single thing I told? Everything I said is contained in a single word--collectivism. And isn’t that the god of our century? To act together. To think--together. To feel--together. To unite, to agree, to obey. To obey, to serve, to sacrifice.

Remember the Roman Emperor who said he wished humanity had a single neck so he could cut it? People have laughed at him for centuries. But we’ll have the last laugh. We’ve accomplished what he couldn’t accomplish. We’ve taught men to unite. This makes one neck ready for one leash. We found the magic word. Collectivism.

Every country is dedicated to the proposition that man has no rights, that the collective is all. The individual held as evil, the mass--as god, No motive and no virtue permitted--except that of service to the proletariat. That’s one version. Here’s another. A country dedicated to the proposition that man has no rights, that the State is all. The individual held as evil, the race--as god. No motive and no virtue permitted--except that of service to the race.

If you’re sick of one version, we push you into the other. We get you coming and going. We’ve closed the doors. We’ve fixed the coin. Heads--collectivism, and tails-- collectivism. Fight the doctrine which slaughters the individual with a doctrine which laughters the individual. Give up your soul to a council--or give it up to a leader. But give it up, give it up, give it up. My technique. Offer poison as food and poison as antidote. Go fancy on the trimmings, but hang on to the main objective. Give the fools a choice, let them have their fun--but don’t forget the only purpose you have to accomplish. Kill the individual. Kill man’s soul. The rest will follow automatically. Observe the state of the world as of the present moment. Do you think I’m crazy?



The rights to the above are reserved for the owners of all the works of Ayn Rand.

I hope I meet him at least once before we die

My friend who was here in Hyderabad for a month is leaving for US tomorrow; untill now he was in Riyadh. He came to meet me today. The last things we spoke were "we will meet again. After 2 years or 4 years or after 10 years!" The way this was said made it look like we will at least meet before we die. It was hard for me to hear this being said. It was harded after he left. I am fine now.

He is going to Chicago. I do not have any relatives in Chicago. So should I anytime go to US I may not meet him unless something happens out of hand. Untill I came to my engineering he was the only one who was close to me outside my house. For the last past year I have hidden a lot from him. I couldn't help it. And now when I saw him after more than 2 years all I came to know that he is leaving. Forever. I had to talk to him about so much. I had to hear so much from him. Hope I meet him soon. May be after years.

I was supposed to go to my grandparents' house today. They said they will manage alone. I will go tomorrow if they want me to come. So even my plans to finish the novel have been postponed.

Yesterday I started writing another article but I didn't complete that one too. So now I have 3 things left to be finished. And of course not to forget the editing of 'Humilis and Purpa'. This new thing which I had started writing is something I had learned from 'The Fountainhead'. I know it sounds silly when I say I learn things from a novel, but I know what I am learning is good and it couldn't have been taught to me in any other way (probably). I will choose things that should become my teachers for myself - regardless of what others say or think.

Today will be one of my days I will never forget. I know I will be seeing much worse times than these. I am reminded of a hindi song that translates to "On the walk of life the miles-stones crossed never come again ...".

My brother removed his mustache finally. He trimmed them using a scissors and he did it remarkably neaty. When I first saw him he looked like my dad in his old photograph. But there was something more that was coming to my mind and after a very uncomfortable thinking I found that he was somewhat looking like the Shar Rukh Khan in DDLJ. His hair style made the resemblence more close. Hehehe!

My mom was on leave today. She had to take my grandfather to hospital. She later told me about the fuss he created there. She is of the opinion that old age is like a curse. Old people act like kids and they require a lot of care. We all someday get to see these days and by the time we come to see them we forget what I have written here - that we act like kids and require a lot of care. God save us all.

Mixed feelings today

Just with the start of afternoon I began to feel restless. I knew why I was feeling that way and I also knew that nothing could be done then. I wanted to go out but everybody seems to be busy with themselves or others. I did hav some work at home, some cleaning, but I waited till I was back to normal. I the evening I was fine and smooth.

Later in the evening I got many e-books from a forum kind of website. I have all the books I wanted to have. Only that they are in electronic format and that makes them almost useless for me. I wish I had the patience and 'whatever we need' to read them from the computer screen.

The dinner again was from outside. I haven't eaten food that has been cooked at home since Saturday morning. And I like this happening.

10 days from today my mother will be leaving for a nearby district - Mahboobnagar. She has some inspection work to do there. She and her inspection teem will be verifying the working of the local Distric Co-operative Central Bank. She has to do the supervision and the other managers will do the work. This reminds me of her posting in Sangareddy that was a couple of years back. She will be there for 4 days and it will be me who will have to take care of the house. Not that I do not like doing it, just that I will miss her. God-willing everything will proceed fine.

Sometime back I started the editing of a post I had written a few days back. I removed a good chunk of it. It would have made me call myself imbecile. There is more to be done on it.

I am nearing the end of The Fountainhead. Actually crawling. No amount of suspense and drama has been able to grip me. Hope it is a good thing for me. Tomorrow I may have to be at my grandparents' house, so I guess I can complete it there.

Bad men are good teachers. Yet we can't be thankful to them.

I was wondering how much I can learn from people like George W Bush, Osama Bin Laden, Hitler and others of the same kind. These people have been successful with whatever endevors they had planned for themselves; let their objectives be kept aside. We have heard about them but never tried to find the kind of persons they are. We have judged them based on the reports by media and words of mouths, but have never tried to find out the truth underlying.

Take for instance the 3 names I have mentioned: G W Bush - it is not an easy to keep the office for 2 terms in succession, becoming the President of Unied States itself is a task, may be he has been unreasonable with what he has done (or what he has been made to do) but as a person there must be commendable traits within him that have brought him to such a position; O B Laden - he was (or is?) a millionaire, may be an inheritor, has formed such a powerful statement called Al Qaida, he masterminded so many events, may be a bad man, but takes a lot to become whatever he is now; Hitler - how many of us do really know him? or about him? we call him bad because he was called bad by the US led coalition, it takes a gem of an orator to persuade a whole nation to make them believe that they have been destined to rule the world.

We can learn the good characters these people have possessed. Not only the so called good can have good in them. Every successful man (in his own terms) has been a marvel and so the reason for his success. It is again the desire and not the object. The desire is to learn, the object my be anything as long as it is rational.

In the evening my dad took us out for a long drive past Rajendranagar. Then we had some creamy stuff at a bakery. The day was spent half at a relative's house, the prior half at home. It was good. I had put up a few updates on News and Opinions and I am struggling with one for Gridlocked. It is a poem.

Yesterday night (actually morning), after posting the update on this space, I went ahead to write a post for Flowing Emotions. In my update I had written that I was in no mood to write a thing - what I have written later exceeded 1600 words. It is not complete yet - I still have to add some more points and make it a polished article. There is a lot to be done on it.

I met a friend today at my house. Two more who where expected didn't turn up.

Finally my internet connection has been restored to the regular one - unlimited. I flushed out 400 mb in last 4 days. It was less compared to my regular usage - daily it goes beyond 120 mb. I can resume that now. It is accounted mostly by the music downloads.

Huh!

Writing about when I woke and when I slept is really naive.

I was out today to a relative's house in the afternoon and came back after 7 pm. Later I did a few households and ... really nothing worthy of being written. Actually right now I am in no mood to write but I have made doing this a regular compulsion and I am now writing out of it.

Blogger.com was down again so I had to post yesterday's update today morning. Then I updated News and Opinions too. It is really easy to do that - just search for news which I didn't get in the news paper and put it ther with a pic and link it.

I am really trying to get into gear to write my next article but I guess I am not getting enough. I have to start it today before going to sleep. I can complete anytime later. But I must be careful of not letting it remain like that 'unfinished letter - an open one (again)'. ... lolz.

There are sometimes somenay thing I wnat to share in this space but I am tied to my feeling that I don't waste it here and put it in a more refined manner in some other blog. Mywork on Operation Desert Storm is still. The work is just about thinking what stance to take - give out the facts in a plain way, or make it interesting by adding things everybody likes to read - good or bad, or put it in such a way that nobody understands what I am trying to do. The last one will be easire - doing things even I may not understand. But that would be against objectivism. But one ting is for sure: my lazyness is troubling me. I am even tired of saying that I am lazy.

I think it is easire to write than to read. reading from the monitor is always a pain to me. Probably that is a reason why I don't go for editing once I have finished writing something. I ahve so many flaws. The biggest problem is that I am not aware of all of them.

Starlight seems brighter than sun!

There was a problem with Blogger.com. I was not able to post anything - not even comments on other blogs. Good heavens it working fine now. For once I felt I won't be able to update today. (This is an update for Thursday ... the time now is 1:13 am. I love the number 13!)

I don't remember the time it was when I slept yesterday. I woke up at 9:40 am. I kept awake beating sleep - reading, thinking, laughing at myself. Though I was online during the daytime I didn't get anybody to chat with. I found my uncle online. He was at his office in Dammam but still I had a voice chat with him through Skype. The clarity was superb.

I came online again late in the evening and was happy to find 2 of my friends online. Felt good after having a chat with them. I was feeling real lonely in the though my parents and my brother were at home. But I am doing great now. The time I am spending with yahoo messenger is reducing day after day. No one seems to come online when I am online. May be others are not fools like me to waste their time on the net. Am I a fool doing it? What do I do then? Sit in front of the television? Sleep?

Yesterday night after going to bed (this is when my brain works the best) I planned my next posting for Flowing Emotions. This is not there on the list ans it may be a type of reproach, insolently. I will try good enough to make it worse. It is always good to find newer ways of writing. But with maturity and precision. I feel it is all about controlling emotions.

My dad's 2 wheeler broke down when he was coming back home in the evening. It was somewhere on the city ring road. He called his friend and got another vehicle sent for him through some worker at his construction site. Even this one broke down, but it was near my house. It was a tiring day for my father. There seems to be a problem with the car's battery too. I guess he will buy a new one tomorrow.

I wasted this week. Didn't get much to do. I still have 2 more days to go and I plan to spend somet ime with my old friends on Saturday. One of them is leaving for US shortly and I am dying (not really!) to meet him.

The logic of all my dreams

Dreams are of 2 kinds - the ones that are seen when we are asleep and the ones seen consciously i.e., when we are awake. Thinking about the dreams we see while asleep is foolishness. Not thinking about the dreams we see when we are awake is a bigger foolishness. The logic of my dreams is rationality. One of the reasons I try sleeping less is to avoid any dreams. Dreams hurt, even when they are good. Sweet dreams hurt the most - they can never be true - they are sweet - they are silly - they make us feel sweet - they deceive us.

To be precise with my day, it had nothing in it. I could have finished off The Fountainhead today, but I didn't. I remember a few days back in this very place I had written that I will finish this novel in the next 4 days. I even said "I will do it". i din't. I failed. My own weak will. . . Today I woke up at 9:50 am. Slept for sumtine after noon. Spent a lot of time in front of the 17 inches. Every inch glaring at me in anger. I read a lot today. Got a few new ideas too.

Since a few days I am regularly praising my brother's mustache. He is growing and his mustache is getting thicker. I remember the day I had removed mine. I remember my brother had told me that he would never remove his. Now he is trying to turn away from his words. I have hidden both the electric trimmers and he is searching for them for the past one week. Dad said he will organize a party and remove his mustache on that day. I am getting excited and my brother irritated. I had removed mine on December 24th 2002. It was my cusin sister's engagement function and I wanted everybody to know about my new look. Nobody laughed at me except my brother. He is the only one who gives me least respect. I enjoy being that way. I want someone to let me know regularly that there are things called as disrespect and rudeness that I can face. Of course my brother is the only person who is with me at house on so many occasions when I am alone and he uses 'aap' for me. I address him the same way. Anyhting less than that is always a joke. Now a days I am avoiding those kind of jokes.

Do not think bad. Do not make others think bad.

So I finally started with the list on Flowing Emotions. I knew it was possible only because I have posted that list there. So that I write just because I have said it. Its a kind of force I put on myself and it works. I will have to adhere to the words I say (or write). This present post was about the people I tend to develop a dislike for right from the time I meet them. I hope not everybody is so opinionated and choosy like me.

I also started taking scrap for my article on Operation Desert Storm (the first Gulf War). It will take time. It requires me to read a lot of papers I have downloaded. I will put facts as the premise but my emphasis will be on what we can derive from these facts.

Today both my parents brought home lots of mangoes. None of them had the knowledge that the other was getting them home too. The refrigerator is full of manges and there is little space for other things. There is a lot of Mazaa too left. Tangy things everywhere now a days!

Today I finally decided to the watch the movie 'Sarkar'. I had the CDs since long and I wasn't getting enough courage (yes courage) and patience to sit in front of the television for long. I didn't watch the full movie. Not even the first CD is done. I will continue it tomorrow. I can't watch it on my computer as the DVD - ROM is still unhappy with me. I don't feel its necessity because of the USB drives.

I got a call from a call center today. This was just one of the many calls I get every few days. Long back I had registered at Monster.com and a few other job portals (I have reoved my CVs now though). Once I had an on-telephone interview too. I was asked to narate the story on any movie. I narated 'Hitch'. I was asked to come down for an interview. Today too it looked as though Mr. Harinath was testing me with my lingo. He asked me to drop in for an interview tomorrow. I am not going. I am no more interested in doing any jobs now. I will be joining any of the institutes that shall prepare me for CAT which I must attempt in the November or December of 2007. My parents are happy with this. My mom was always against me doing any job.

I can definitely got there just as an experience. But I am too proud to go there and fail. I won't do anything with half heartedness. If I don't fail then I can't beat the temptation money offers. One of the reason can be lazyness too!

Today I even updated News and Opinions. It has an important topic discussed. I got that as an e-mail from a friend and I thought it was a must-read. I can't forward it. I can flaunt it!

Today's title talks about two important things Mr. Gandhiji missed out while preaching virtues. He forgot to convey through his monkeys 2 things more important than the 3 he has delivered on. The two are: do not think bad, and do not make others think bad. I wonder how he would make his monkers say these 2.

Lesson Learnt by Being Deprived

Yesterday's midnight saw me left deprived of a statement that gives me the satisfaction I demand every day before going to bed. It was the last day of my internet connection's account and unlike every month it didn't get renewed by itself. For the first time after taking this connection I faced a problem of this kind and I was unhappy switching of my computer due to a problem. I had never seen any problem with the connection in the last 6 months. I telephoned the provider's office 4 times today and they finally restored it in the evening at 9 pm. And the package they have given me now, according to them, is temporary. It is some damned 'download limit' package but promises a higher speed. Glad to know its temporary - I don't want any limits on my usage, and my usage hasn't got anything to do with a vey high speed.

So I spent my time on The Fountainhead. I spent more than 3 hours on it but read less than 45 pages. There were so many instances that asked for rereading. I obeyed to these instances. But while being engrossed into this book, at one ocasion of time, I obstinately felt a sort of uneasyness for not being online. I didn't like myself feeling that. I kept it untill I felt good again after sometime. Felt good for not continuing with a senseless anger.

I had planned to write an article for News and Opinions but it required some study on a recent history and that was possible only through the web. And this was not available to me. I wanted to complete an unfinished letter. Didn't even do that - week commitment to it might have been the reason. Wanted to write on one of the topics I have listed on Flowing Emotions. Laziness prevented me from writing. Wanted to get ahead with a long pending exercise of writing on some people. But that required thinking and I was too week for that today. (This is the self-guided thinking I am refering to; it requires a lot of effort and gives me a lot of strength - all that is required here is motivation. I understand many other things implicitly. Some things come from nowhere - I mean, without any intention to find them.)

I will be writing on Operation Desertstorm on News and Opinions.

It's not the object, it's the desire

In the evening my parents and my brother were going out for some casual shopping and while getting ready my father put on a new after shave. It had a peculiar flavor of lime and it shocked me. It was something as though I had smelled this fragrance long back and it had left a powerful mark on me. I tried hard to recollect if there was something I remember connected with this fragrance, but I couldn’t. I thought about it for sometime and found nothing. I was amused. I will never use this aftershave for myself. I don’t want to confuse myself my smelling it again and again.

This happened while I was in the 501st page of The Fountainhead. I was struggling with a small sentence on the last line of that page. I read it 5-6 times and yet I was not able to get it. There were no new words - just simple vocabulary that was laughing at me. I have seen this happen before with much simpler ones and this time I was thinking about the aftershave more than the sentence. After reading it I found that I was missing a small word – ‘for’. I was so preoccupied with that smell that I was not seeing this little ‘for’. The sentence was – ‘That special sense of living I thought this marriage would destroy for me.’

The very next page made me silently thank my friends again for gifting me this book. The middle of the 502nd page had this –

‘I love you, Dominique. I love you so much that nothing can matter to me – not even you. Can you understand that? Only my love – not your answer. Not even your indifference. I have never taken much from the world. I haven’t wanted much. I’ve never really wanted anything. Not in the total, undivided way, not with the kind of desire that becomes an ultimatum, ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and one can’t accept the ‘no’ without ceasing to exist. That’s what you are to me. But when one reaches that stage, it’s not the object that matters, it’s the desire. Not you, but I. The ability to desire like that. Nothing less is worth feeling or honoring. And I’ve never felt that before. Dominique, I’ve never known how to say ‘mine’ about anything. Not in the sense I say it about you. Mine. Did you call it a sense of life as exaltation? You said that. You understand. I can’t be afraid. I love you, Dominique – I love you – you’re letting me say it now – I love you.’

Long back in one of my posts on Flowing Emotions I had written “its relations that are more important than people”. I was confused after writing that. I didn’t know if what I had written was right or wrong. One of my friends said he didn’t agree with me. I had no answer to give. I thought about it a several times ever since then. I had never been confused so much with something I had written, myself. Then I read this today. I read it several times – just to feel the pleasure of being right, to enjoy a victory, to relish an answer I had been searching. This character in The Fountainhead, though has a few bad traits, is the second of the two in the story that are close to objectiveness, and are the heroic ones. They are probably the ones that have described the philosophies of Ayn Rand. I am in the 508th page now with almost 200 more pages to go. This is what I have perceived till now about this second person – Gail Wynand. The first of course is Howard Roark.

I am spending a heck lot of a time reading this novel. It is not heck I mean here. I mean the ruthlessness the word ‘heck’ describes. I have, at many instances, read a few paragraphs very fast – using a few techniques I had learnt sometime back – but it was just out of curiosity. The zeal to get deep into the book had made me come back and read the sentences slowly again – to feel them and to learn from them, to absorb them and cherish an understanding, and capturing every part of them. It’s making me happy and proud. I don’t know about this proud thing!

My day was good today and I have learnt a lot from it. I even learnt how car batteries are charged and repaired. I learnt how to be calm when I feel the throttling urge to shout back. I learnt how weak I am.

I arranged an old table for myself in a new place. It is front of a window now from where a lot of light comes in at all times of the day. I will do all my reading and writing work here from now on. It’s beside my computer so an added advantage. I will fix a tube light tomorrow on the wall behind my computer. The light from behind me, forming a glare on the monitor, is giving me a head ache.

Do they really don't think of their future?

I woke up to see light at 7:30 am today. I had slept at 2:30 am. So this was exactly they way I wanted to see it happen - me sleeping for not more than 5 hours. I later went to a friend's house and was there till 6:30 pm. It was truly a good time I spent there. I had my lunch at his house and we spoke for hours.

Another friend was with us too. When the talk of our future - what after engineering? - came up, both of them said they were still undecided on it. I know they have their own ways and life and in no way am I supposed to question them but is this the same way others too are? I mean how can they not have anything decided till now? Don't they have any ambitions or any dreams? Ok, even if they don't want to do anyting, they should at least know by themselves that they want nothing!

After having a great time with him, I came down to my grandparents' house and then finally back to home at 9 pm. I came online sometime back and I shall be here for the next 3 hours atleast.

An hour in front of television today

When I left for dinner today at 10 pm, I had all my messengers logged it and were simply set to 'away'. I wanted to be back in 15 mins. But I got carried away. I was watching a comedy with my father for an hour. It was good except for the fact that I am going to write much against this television shortly on one of my blogs.

Today I couldn't beat sleep. When I woke up early, I was happy with it. But soon I found that the thing I was fighting against took me in its arms. I was fighting sleep and I had to sleep again. Today I read around 50 pages of The Fountainhead and I plan to finish the book in the next 4 days. I will do it. I am reading for the first time by keeping the book on a table and sitting erect on a chair. This looks as though I have turned out into an obedient student religiously using his study table in the most proper method. It just looks that way. I am reading a novel.

Today I sat with my mother for sometime. I was reading and she was readnig the newspaper. But she was sitting beside me and she was happy with my calmness - lately she had been saying that I have anger on my nose. I was in deep concern about her complains and I decided to be calm even when she bewilders me. She always complains that I don't allow her to touch me the way my brother does. She says I am still a small child. She was treating me like a child today. Good.

I downloaded the latest version of MSN messenger today. I was expecting it very new. I was not pleased. Did I ever tell how much I use MSN messenger? Well, it is not much of use now but I had hardly used yahoo untill 2 years back. I have more than 25 contacts in MSN and they are in regular contact - all of them my relatives.

It rained a little here. It was less than what I was told about the rains in other parts of the city. I was lying in the living room when I heard something like the falling of water drops. When I saw outside it was raining (obviously - what can I expect then?). I was not expecting the rain with so much light outside. As was I correct - it didn't rain much.

Yesterday I went to bed at 2am. For the past few nights whenever I go to sleep I hope for only one thing that I get fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes and the necessary requirement had been met when I open them again. It looks like a waste of time sleeping. But when I wake up, I don't feel like waking up. May be it is because I am lacking some will power to get out of bed. I will learn it.

Nothing much here

I, along with a friend, had decided to go to another friend's house but we came to know that he is still out of station. I know nothing how this misunderstanding crop up but it was probably something between 'thursday' and 'tuesday'. So the plan was cancelled.

I woke up at 7:30 am after sleepig at 3 am. It was a short sleep so I compensated it by sleeping for an hour in the afternoon. I didn't want to sleep but I had to.

The rest was as usual except that I wrote a letter. An open one - again. It is not finished yet. I will do it tomorrow.